#transconfession

[power2thesol]

My manhood may not have been created on school football fields during recess with the boys or guided by a father teaching his son how to change a tire on a random afternoon. It was found later in life, somewhere deep inside my mind, and pulled out and crafted by my own hands; and it is no less than yours.

[atransreflection]

Trans Childhood Confessions #07

I think this is a very big thing for me to realise, and its only a recent realisation. I feel like I get a lot of voices asking about how I could go through all my formative years being fine wearing dresses, having my chest visable, wearing makeup and so on.. basically looking 'feminine' (what ever that means) without having an issue with it, but now in recent years it makes me dysphoric. When I was a teen I loved dressing up, wearing dresses, I thought it was sexy and that I looked good. But, and this is a big one, it wasnt me. I looked in the mirror and saw a sexy female, not to sound big headed, BUT, that wasnt me, I was looking at what might as well of been a picture of a women on the wall. I saw someone else, and thought they looked good - as more people told me I looked sexy or nice, id want to do that more for other people. But it wasnt me, it never was. Eventually I realised this, so I started to dress differently, I wore a binder and 'masculine' clothing, looking in the mirror, I cried. I actually cried, because thats me - right there. Yes theres some things that stuck out as not me, but I cant change those things just yet, but one day it'll be me to the fullest in that mirror, and itll be amazing.

[tragicintrepid]

ripping the bandaid off hurts more than the shot

[power2thesol]

When it's 'acceptable' to be androgynous or hyperfeminine, and when it's not

When I first started presenting more masc, I cut my hair insanely short and dressed as boyish has possible. Like we’re talking straight up jock here. It was gender euphoric and helped me pass more when I was pre-T and in the early stages where HRT hadn’t done it’s magic yet. It was nice, but it wasn’t me.

I’ve always been the type to wear jewlery, whether it be subliminal layered necklaces, bracelets, earrings, rings, I even have an eyebrow piercing. I started wearing it again. I’ve always liked having longer hair than short hair, so I grew it out since I’ve had it buzzed into a fade and no longer have an undercut. It’s a mullet shag kind of look that just suits me better. My style has been less jocky and more ‘androgynous boy nextdoor’ and I shave all the time, take care of my skin, keep up on grooming, etc. All of these things are just habits of an old routine and a personal style.

None of these things help me pass. I’m popular on multiple social media platforms. I get comments like ‘you don’t pass’ ‘you look like a lesbian’ (leave lesbians alone omg) ‘i can tell you’re trans’ which I could care less for because I know it’s just a few trolls with nothing better to do. People in real life approach me as a woman only sometimes, but it comes in subtle ways like when men offer for me to get on the public transport bus first. (to which I say thank you in my voice that’s dropped like 100 octaves)

What I don’t get is why it’s invalidating for me to be feminine as a trans masc person. I see people fall head over heels for the ‘boy that looks pretty like a girl’ trope on tiktok all the time. The memes, jokes, or comments about ‘boys with long hair >’ and ‘guys who aren’t afraid to be feminine’ ‘androgynous guys>’ that people praise online and in real life. They should emphasize they’re talking about cis guys.

When I do any of these things I’m clocked or am told by my audience ‘you’re not really trans’ and ‘you don’t pass’ and other transphobic things and also the ‘you don’t pass’ comment from cis people. I just don’t get it because an attractive cis guy can do it and he gets praise, but me as a transmale, I am just met with transphobia. I can’t dare to be hyperfeminine or even a little bit fem because I’m just faced with transphobia. Like …the gender box of hypermasculinity cisgender people have made on the transmasc community is paralyzing. You either gotta be hyperfeminine or hypermasculine according to the gender you’re transitioning into or you’re not acceptable. I hate it here.

[tealflowerboy]

Dear Mom,

When my foundation started crumbling around me you took a sledgehammer to it. I fell, scrapping both my knees. But I have found my footing on rock bottom, and you cannot knock me down any further.