What is it about being abused, isolated, in very SMALL town-like communities, catholicism, and colonization that lead a mf to want to be treated like a dog?
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Feeding The Dark
Left alone to reel from the morning's events, Chip doesn't know what anyone wants from him anymore. Captain was unusually gentle, which has him torn in two. He just wants to be left alone, to stop, to breathe.
But, he isn't granted peace when alone.
And Vow's encounter caught upper management's attention.
TW: mentions of sh (history, not recent), suicide, sexualization, manipulation, attempts to get high, toxic relationships and just a bit of a backstory drop </3
don't read if you might get triggered by any of these things!!!! please
at this point, a year ago, i was in a relationship with someone. i don't want to name them, so i'm calling them "kurt" cus they had a huge, unhealthy obsession with kurt cobain ^^
back in october, i asked them out, hoping they'd reject me so that i could get over myself, because i thought i liked them at the time, and they actually said yes. i was super excited because i was like "oh my god, someone actually likes me, this is super cool". this happened on 18th oct 2024, and well uh...i used to vent to them a bunch, and beforehand, they called me "adoptive mother" and "goth mommy" and stuff like that......so yeah.
we instantly started doing basic relationship stuff, like saying "ily", and i'd take funny photos of her and say that she's really pretty, and she would say that i was hot, and send photos of her cuts, and make rape jokes and we both really liked nirvana and she used to talk about how she was just like him and then talk about restricting herself from eating and try to huff nail polish remover to get high...
and yeah! i stayed with her for uhh...three months i believe? it felt like longer tbh but yeah this sort of stuff repeated for three months. she'd show me her cuts, i'd tell her to stop (please), she'd promise not to do it, and then she'd do it again.
not only did she do this sort of thing, but she also frequently sexualised me. she mentioned before we started dating that she suffered from this sort of thing due to online exposure of porn and things like that, but she made the habit of bringing that into the relationship, where we were BOTH minors, mind you.
every time i posted a selfie? "omg ur so hottt". each time i mentioned how i didn't like being fat? "nonono im into fat girls please stay fat". before we started going out, she made it very clear she saw me in a different light than romantic. even while we were dating, she used to say that i was a goth mommy!!!!!!! whilst actively posting/saying things about gooning!!!! i cannot exaggerate this enough!!!!!!!!!!!!! omd
the first time i tried to take a break from her (literally said "let's take a break and then get back together" because i was so scared of her doing anything drastic) didn't go too well. multiple times before, she said things like "i don't know what i'd do without you" "you're my only reason to live atp" and so, as a result, she um. she tried to take her own life the day after i asked to take the break. as a result, the break only lasted a day, and i suggested we start dating again and she pretty much leapt at the chance.
it was a bad decision to get together, as we were both struggling at the time. she was doing far worse than me, of course, due to problems past my control, and she ended up indirectly dragging me down because of it. this sort of thing led me into a rabbit hole of my own sh, suicide attempts and overeating as well.
i'd show up to school with cuts all up and down my arms, from my shoulders down to my wrists, and my legs being fairly similar too. i also attempted these on my chest, due to some severe body dysmorphia at the time as well, but i stopped because it started having serious problems. getting changed at school was a problem, and even at one point, when we were watching the christmas movie (the peak of how bad the relationship was), the jumper had made the cuts all itchy, and not realising they'd bleed, i scratched them, and my friend had to clean me up.
i'm only wording this out loud because i realised i never actually mentioned any of this very well over tumblr, and i was sitting scrolling through pinterest wearing like a tank top and i realised i can STILL see the cuts from then, though they're just long, white raised lines. on my legs, they're far more visible, still red marks etched along my skin. a permanent reminder of how she indirectly triggered me into my own spiral.
i've gotten better, and by february 15th, i'll be an entire year clean, both of sh, suicide attempts and speaking to her. i've not associated myself with her in a while, and i figured it would be nice if i just posted this to get it off my chest. if anybody's read up until this point, i appreciate it :D i'm completely fine, healthy, and i'm making good decisions. i have the girlfriend of my dreams, great friends, a load of money, stuff to look forward to, and more. i just wanted to put all of this into one thing to look back and be like "damn that wasn't really cool"
i'm actually really curious about yi young's backstory. some time has passed and she's becoming a better doctor but her heart isn't 100% there. really, really curious what happened...hmmm...
