she’s still reeling from the high of the news. still couldn’t quite comprehend how everything managed to work well in the end; just as she had always hoped for them to. when the shock has passed away, she’s left with the overwhelming happiness of knowing that she was able to make it. that all the hard work of the past few months did not go to waste and that her dreams are just right within her fingertips. of course, not everything is meant to be easy -- this debut project was the perfect testament to that. she could still lose her position if she doesn’t play her cards right.
which is why she still pushes herself to work hard. things could change in span of a moment but in preventing this from doing so, she must do all that she can to make sure that her position in the group won’t be challenged. practice, practice, practice -- was the steady mantra that goes through her head. thank goodness she’s never been too overconfident, because being one right now could cost her more than she can ever dream of.
“yubin unnie,” she says as a way of greeting, smiling warmly at the older. “are you busy right now? i’m sorry to bother you.” joy moves closer, clutching her music sheets close to her heart. “i was just wondering if it’s okay to practice with you? i haven’t mastered our vocal performance song yet and i really want someone to tell me if i’m doing anything wrong.”
she sits crossed leg on the floor, catching her breath, a bottle of water opened and grasped tightly on one hand. after a moment of seemingly staring into nothing, she puts the bottle on her lips and takes a large swing, slowly starting to feel her breath return to normal. despite this obvious display of exhaustion, there’s a smile on her lips. with the day of their evaluation coming closer, she sees their progress and is proud of how far along they’ve come. with this being their last evaluation as participative members of the trc girls project, everything feels sentimental somehow. it’s like ending a chapter in a book which contributed so much to the overall story; she’s sad but she’s also looking forward to the next.
in consideration of this month being their last special evaluation, joy constantly feels the need to compliment the others in all their hard work. they have all been through so much and the least that she could do is to offer kindness and a handful of positivity where it’s needed. which is why when she turns to the other girl next to her, her words were filled with purposeful intention wrapped up in a happy smile. “sana-ssi, you did good back there.” she leans closer, smiling warmly at the other. “would it be okay if i practice with you as we go through it again? i think i can learn quite a lot from you!”
— TRC/G december evaluations ✰
⤷ solo performance ― only you by miss a brave girls
― skill shown ! dancing and singing
every month comes with new challenges to face -- ones harder than what was given to them the month before. sometimes she wonders if she can still be able to push through everything; to live up to expectations and to emerge better than she had ever been all without giving up a huge part of herself. lately, she’s been entertaining these thoughts far more than what she would like to admit.
but joy knows she can. she will. giving up was never a part of her vocabulary.
she doesn’t know when this would end or if it would even end anytime soon. all that she knew was that she has to start focusing more on herself as she tries to look at different ways to show her skills for her individual performances and as she contributes to a group effort. starting back at one for the previous month had been a relief to her for as much as she was troubled preparing for it. it means she was given the opportunity to start over -- to not let the embarrassment from october be the end all be all of things. she had gone for a song that was more of her calibre but this time, she’s upping the game a little bit. throwing in the hand of a challenge because she knew she can’t wrap herself in security all the time.
she chose this song because the singing wasn’t too difficult that she had to throw an extra limb just to be able to sing it. it was manageable by any means and with how much she’s worked to be able to improve with her singing, she thinks she can handle it. she wouldn’t last things long if she can’t.
with her back turned, she stands in the middle of the makeshift stage. big breaths in and out, she composes herself and puts on the mask she would usually don when performing. before she knew it, her music began playing across the expanse of the room and she starts moving; one leg out and down, moving to position as she starts singing the first line.
no other guy but you
no other guy but you you you you
the performance is in full swing now and because it was a lighthearted and playful song, she’s given the liberty to smile every now and then. the choreography for the song was fun and not at all too difficult for her to master which is why by the time this performance came along, she’s able to dance easily. she’s able to rely on her stability, having learned the skill of dancing and singing at the same time and barely losing her breath. she’s grateful for this because while she already deemed the dance as being not too difficult, it was still fast paced and energetic making it a little bit challenging.
her favourite part of the whole song would probably be the pre-chorus as it builds up the focal part of the song. it’s also the part where she gets to showcase a little bit of her vocal colour as she thinks it shares the same level of difficulty as that with the chorus. she skips into position with one leg, hands dramatically on her throat as she sings this part. feet quickly tapping the floor before jumping right into the chorus.
i’m different from other girls, i don’t want a typical love
i don’t care if i like you more,
i only need you
you’re different from other guys, now accept me
you’ll be my baby baby baby you
no other guy but you
she’s relieved to say that so far, nothing seems to be going awfully wrong. she’s able to hit her notes, she’s singing stably, and she’s having fun. all the work of this whole month seems to be going steadily well but she’s worried her current judgement is too far off from what the coaches would have to say. it’s just going to be even more of an embarrassment and quite a huge dose of failure to believe that she’s doing well when it turns out, she’s already crashed and burned.
this is the train of thought that had her pulling herself in for this performance. it is evidently more challenging than the previous month’s song in the sense that it has a high note they’re probably expecting her to hit. yet joy has learned from previous mistakes and took their words to heart. which is why for this performance, instead of pushing herself to work on the high note, she’s just going to sing over it. it helps that the high note fell on the word ‘baby’ and that while the original singer was hitting it, the chorus plays on at the same time. after the word ‘없어’, she’s going to jump right into singing the chorus again.
when she approaches this part of the performance, she carries on as to what she has practiced. it still took a couple of days before she was able to master singing the bridge and she’s glad to have been able to pass through it without any difficulties. in just a few seconds, she’s wrapping up the song. ending the performance with her body turned to the side and her face facing her panel and the camera, a smile tugging the corners of her lips.
just like that, all of december’s hard earned effort draws to a close. the moment she leaves the room, she’s left going through this seemingly never-ending cycle of worrying about what they have to say. in a few weeks time, they’d be back with a mixture of kind and harsh words as she and all the other girls are left quietly to listen. who knew what other surprises they have in store for them by then. at this point, she can only hope for good things.
❝ fall in more deeply you and i,
let’s fall in deeply you and i together ❞
— TRC/G november evaluations ✰
⤷ solo performance ― into you by yuri chi chi’s park semi
― skill shown ! dancing and singing
sometimes she wonders when this would all be over, for nearly three months in and it seems like they’ve been fighting against endless criticisms since forever. joy dislikes how aside from the physical exhaustion, she feels mentally drained out; she hadn’t felt like this about training in so long.
but because this is a dream worth chasing, she’ll chase restlessly until her bones wear out.
the comments she had received from the previous month’s evaluation had initially embarrassed her at an overwhelming rate. she knew she only felt that way because she agrees -- she definitely overestimated her singing abilities. it just sucks that it had to be for a performance she genuinely enjoyed and one that made her feel confidently happy. she’s never felt that way about her singing before and it hurts her more to think that this one time she’d felt it, things had to go sour.
although with that thing done and dusted, she’s learned from it. for the whole month of november she’s poured all her energy into making sure that she’s not putting herself through dust again. joy thinks her chosen song fits her singing capabilities perfectly and it wouldn’t seem like she’s trying too hard. the choreography lacks the kind of power she would have normally gone for but there are some sacrifices that had to be made. besides, she’s established her position as a great dancer well enough that it wouldn’t hurt her reputation to steer clear from doing hard choreography for awhile.
or at least that’s what she says to placate herself.
at this point, yumi-ssi’s authoritative persona had gotten familiar to her. the cameras too -- with its red blinking light indicating that it’s recording her every move. one that tells her that if she even as much as makes one noticeable mistake then she’d be regarded yet again with harsh words and a questionable future.
fall in even more deeply, you and i
let’s fall in deeply, you and i together
the one thing i want
you seep into me, you spread inside of me
even one small scene
i want to fill it up with you
fall in even more deeply, you and i
let’s fall in deeply, you and i together
there’s a certain sophisticated sultriness to the song and she tries to match the charisma it exudes with one of her own. there are a lot of hips swaying back and forth and the movement comes to her easily as she stares at the camera with unwavering attention. here comes another outpouring of hard work and all her effort.
endlessly unfolding
the sky-like horizon
like a small island on top of that
you and i float
at that smile that sees my eyes
for me, the whole world is bathed in light
hold my hands and i close my eyes
i hope this time stops here
what also drew her in when she first came across this song was its fast paced melody and how it allows her to move with each second that ticks by. there’s no dull moment even if the song is more mature in nature and doesn’t necessarily appeal to all audiences. she likes it for that reason too because it allows her to explore different sides of herself as a performer -- a less powerful but more alluring side that gets overshadowed when she chooses to show a stronger concept each time.
she definitely sees now that the singing is more toned down how she sounds a lot better. she’s not struggling to hit her notes unlike last time and this makes her feel more at ease knowing that she wouldn’t have to belt out a note she can’t quite reach once the song hits its climax. even with dancing and singing at the same time is more manageable because she doesn’t have to think about exerting more effort on one above the other.
joy continues, from singing the chorus yet again to dancing through the parts whereas she has to make it seem as if she’s sitting on a man’s leg and not on air. afterwards, she lands on the first dance break where she amps it up a little in flair. while she’s still following the original choreography, she just put in a little more power and made her movements a lot sharper. then afterwards, she’s back to singing again.
after singing the chorus one last time, the song erupts into the final dance break and a smile splays across her lips before she works through it. it’s fast as she sways her hips, twirls, and raises her arms in time with the music. by the end of it and as she moves into her final pose, she’s breathing heavily. she finishes strong by looking straight at the camera, with a fierce look matching the aura of her performance.
this time maybe she’s a lot stronger. all of their words may hurt at first but she’ll take them in the best way that she knows how; by listening and making sure that she takes their word by heart. this is because by then, she would use their criticisms as her armour when she comes back with a performance that takes everything they said into account and more.
joy had always thought herself good at receiving feedback, especially the constructive ones. they were meant to make her stronger. when they point out the areas where she needs more work on, it only propels her to do better -- to prove them wrong. yet the backhanded comments take one swing at her singing and it’s as if she lost all the confidence it took years for her to build. it’s as if she’s back at square one; afraid to sing because of what she’ll hear the moment she opens her mouth to do so.
but if she wants to make this work. if she wants to debut, she has to rise above all of it. she needs to face her anxieties headfirst because otherwise she’s only setting herself up to fail and she can’t. not when she’s this close.
this is why aside from practicing for however much she can, joy seeks out the help of one of the trainees whom she knew had the vocal prowess she can only dream of. “unnie, how do you sing this line again? i’m having trouble with it.” she frowns pointing at her song sheet and looking like a kid who had been grasping around for help. “i’ve been trying and trying but my voice gets stuck and it doesn’t come out prettily.”
❝ we were distant stars from the beginning,
will you shine together with me in this moment? ❞
— TRC/G october evaluations ✰
⤷ solo performance ― free somebody
in a lot of ways, she considers herself lucky. they did not drag her name to the dust unlike what they did to some of the other girls. joy shivers at the thought of what she had to sit through, hearing hayoon-ssi give feedback in the cruelest of ways and then seeing the faces on the other girls; the girls she had worked with so closely for two months now. she hates seeing some of them look so defeated but this is something where her personal affections have no role to play. so like a diligent, good trainee, she had kept her head down until it was finally her turn to be spoken to.
that was almost a month ago and everything had sped through so quickly since then. she had found herself in more practice rooms and with different songs and choreographies to practice. she works hard a lot but perhaps even more so this time around because someone getting kicked out of the project weighed on her a lot more than what she had expected. somehow, everything feels a lot more real and the nagging thought that she would be taken out of the project too had she not worked hard enough often lingers at the back of her mind. day in and day out, she practices -- leaving just enough time for herself that she wouldn’t feel so trapped in the end.
perhaps one of the many reasons why she’d been practising more than she did last month was because they told her to sing. they didn’t even give her much choice for in her head, it all sounded like, “sing. or sing and dance, we don’t care what you choose to do. the important thing is that you’ll sing.” and so she chose a song where she would sing and dance at the same time.
she wasn’t scared of singing as much she used to for she knew she has improved a lot. over the years she had gotten a lot better, enough that hayoon-ssi even complimented her singing voice. in a lot of ways, it’s a dream come true but she knew that there’s still a lot of polishing that needs to be done if she wants to actually solidify her spot as a stable singer.
free somebody is a definitely a challenging song but she admires how it pushes her both as a dancer and as a singer. as preparation for it, she had learned how to make her way around the more higher notes so that she wouldn’t have to struggle so much. overall, the adjustments she had to make were fair enough that she doesn’t feel as if she would fail so much by the end of her performance.
서로 다른 색에 물들고
다른 향기들로 가득하지만
오감의 끝이 몽환에 젖어
이 모든 감각 일어나는 그 곳에
she starts by looking the camera recording her with eyes that sends a message. it’s as if she’s saying, “look at me, here i am and i’m singing.” she smiles once the choreography starts, feeling a bit free as she tries to enjoy the performance she loves so much. even if she doesn’t admit it a lot, she had grown to enjoy singing -- feels a certain sort of high when she does it along with dancing. the slew of practices must have helped a lot and she’s grateful for that. because now, she can smile and enjoy herself when the worries have passed and she can move and sing confidently unlike how she used to.
‘cause i just wanna free somebody
느낀 대로 말해
tonight 너와 나 이 순간에
자유로운 밤에 ey yeah
i wanna free somebody
the choruses were the parts where she had to hit some high notes. toning this part down to where she can reach it had made it pass effortlessly and she’s left feeling a lot happier now that everything’s going through smoothly. now all that’s left to do is to power through the rest of the performance and with it, highlight all that she’s learned as a trainee for the past three years and more.
by the end of it, there’s more dancing than singing and so she takes comfort in this as she ends her performance as strongly as she possibly could. throughout her performance, she takes notice of how she was able to hold a note, not once wavering even when she’s singing the harder parts. her breath control was stable, enough that she still managed to put in a lot of energy into her dancing despite singing so much. overall, she believes it had been a great performance. she holds this realisation close to her heart for as someone who used to dislike singing before, she had definitely flown above and beyond this now.
it was sort of like a ‘pinch me, am i dreaming?’ moment, when the ball was dropped and the reason as to why they were all gathered together was finally announced. it feels surreal to think that after three years, the chance to debut was finally handed out to her. for the longest time joy feels as though she was grasping through thin air for when debuts were emerging left and right, she feels a little left behind. one day, all the questions just came flooding in and the most prominent one was the question of whether or not she would be able to debut.
now the answers are all within reach and yet she still has to fight for it.
she’s anxious as she looks at the faces of the other girls around her. she does not want to have to compete with them. she should celebrate her triumph as she was told that she already has one foot inside the door but she still feels as though she’s losing somehow. joy had always pictured that it would be all of them together and the fact that such won’t be case makes her heart ache more than she can ever imagine.
she glances at one of the newer trainees. recognising the shock of blonde hair and the pretty, fairy-like features from the recently concluded survival show and she feels a surge of worry. “hello! you’re jinsoul, right? from the mgas?” she approaches the other once the meeting was over, a warm smile on her face. “i’m joy. hayoon-nim called me sooyoung though, but don’t be confused! that’s just my name on papers.” she grins, hoping to lighten the otherwise highly tensioned environment. “i’m looking forward to working together!”
the options are endless and that really should delight her but instead, it stresses her out. having an array of songs and performances to choose from just ultimately makes it so hard to decide what she wants to do. suddenly, it seems as if she wants to do a million things all at once simply because her indecisive mind just couldn’t narrow down her choices.
they want her to sing even more and finding the perfect song should have been easy enough. although joy finds that lately, nothing ever comes as easily as she had hoped it would and it sucks that this aspect of life would carry over to something as simple as song choosing. still, she perseveres, and with all the rightful and well needed help.
“somi-yah, what do you think?” she asks the younger with a tentative smile splayed across her lips. “should i sing and dance like what i did last month? or should i just focus on singing, and just singing?” it’s the first battle to cross; deciding on what she should do. she’s not opposed to doing either, which makes it difficult for her to decide by herself. she’d be fine with just singing because that would mean highlighting her progress in terms of her vocals but dancing and singing at the same time would showcase her stability. she can’t choose which one fairs better than the other.
for a moment, she pushes these thoughts aside to comment on something. her attention span as erratic as ever. “you know what, i’m really sad we’re not doing the full performance together.” she frowns, having looked forward to their practices together as an integral part of what they do.
