#trees'brain

[completely-simplicity]

Devils Poison

Every drop slowly tunes his soul into the making of a Devil. Each and every thirsting quench is glazed by the 'ointment' I call; The Devils Poison. His body is taken captive, his mind taken with anger and his heart robbed of its blissful memory. Each sip; the soul, body, mind and heart of once a loving man is thrown into destruction. With no control over his emotions, nor actions, a once loving man will succumb to the Devils Poison. No longer does she feel loved, no longer does she feel wanted, and no longer does she feel safe when the poison starts slithering through his veins. An empty void is created between the once loving man and the Devil. And by default any one of these drops could be the one to forever close this divide. The man and the Devil will be brought together, leaving what once was his love for just another sip of the Devils Poison.

[completely-simplicity]

Where have I gone wrong?

I'm yet again no longer happy. And it's hard to come to terms with why. Everyday I try and cover my sadness with the fact I'm surrounded by the most beautiful scenery you could imagine and that I'm constantly with new friends. I live in Canada; what more could I honestly ask for? Well happiness within my relationship is what I'm missing. I thought that with Nick I'd be forever happy, but clearly I was wrong. I never thought I would be writing a negative diary entry about him. I really thought I tossed them all away with Peter. Clearly I was wrong. I thought before that it simply couldn't of been me. But looking at my relationship now, perhaps I was wrong. I still love Nick, that's one thing you can't get me wrong about. I love his kindness, his compassion and his generous love for me. However, I find that these qualities diminish when alcohol touches his lips. I feel that he might be on the verge of alcoholism. Something that I can't fix. Nor can I avoid. I feel that he turns into a completely different person when he consumes alcohol: someone I frankly don't want to be around. He becomes rude, manipulative, simply uncaring and most of all angry. Lately, future plans have been discussed and I've noticed that unless I nudge him then I'm not initially included in these plans. Maybe we're not meant to be apart of each other's futures, and perhaps we're both just learning curves for one another before we meet our 'true' soulmates. Who knows? Just writing this is making me feel completely sick. I don't know if it's finally allowing me to face facts or if it's helping me see if I still want to fight. I simply don't know. Loosing him makes me want to (a word that I'm not going to use). He's my everything. And that's why I'm getting destroyed. Funnily enough tonight was our designated 'date night' but I'm here writing this after traumatically crying in the shower after he decided to leave me and potentially our relationship to go meet friends around you guessed it- his fuel; alcohol. I don't even know what else to say. I'm tired and I feel sick to my stomach, that's all I know. I clearly need help, I clearly need my rocks. I clearly need my sisters. I'm struggling.

[completely-simplicity]

Home?

I don't know where my home is anymore... Where do I belong? Is it here in Australia with my friends, family and pets? Or in Canada with my loving partner and the new home and life we've built together? When I first got back I kept subconsciously referring to Canada as 'back home'. Something I believed as it technically is my new home, however just as I'm preparing to set of again it's hitting me that this time I'm not leaving with the know that I'm returning in 4 months for a wedding... As this time I'm leaving with no know at all. I'm leaving my beautiful family, friends, other loved ones and our silly cat Yoshi and Nicks little teddy bear dot, Tara. How is this possible... How do I jump from this home completely into one across the other side of the world? I have a new house, bed, fridge with photos of just nick and I. New neighbours, new job, new friends. A new life. And I guess, a new home. I just need the confidence to jump into it with everything and not hold back. I've noticed that everyone is always going to go on a life time journey at some point in their lives so why should I hold back on mine? Just because I'm the first person to do something like this, doesn't mean I should be scared or held back by others who are scared themselves to do the same thing. I need to spread my wings, jump off the edge and fly into my new life and only land when I'm ready to come back. I'm ready to completely settle into my new home and no one can or will ever hold me back.

[completely-simplicity]

I guess you know you're with the right person when you start to fear their health. What if he ever gets hurt? What if he ever falls ill? What if he ever dies? It's a fear I constantly think about, something that just rattles my mind. Normally I'd say that I hope I'll be the first to go, then those fears would never be faced. But, in hind sight that pain would be so brutal that I wouldn't want that on him either. So then I guess I'd want him to be the first to go so my fear of him ever getting hurt in that way would never ring true. At least then I'd be able to control that possibility. I know this means I'm with the right person as this topic, never, not once, crossed my mind in my previous relationship. But in all honesty, it's just a daunting topic, though it is reality. So therefore I know I'm with the right person if I'm thinking about this reality. As in my mind it resembles that I want to be with him until 'death do us part' for as far as I know, we will be each other's 'daunting topics' for he'll be the one I'll love forever.

[completely-simplicity]

On Sunday I had my 21st, A Gypsy themed sanctuary where friends, family and loved ones gathered. Peace, joy, drinks and tunes flowed throughout the entire day. And for my speech I just said some short, sweet and simple kind words: "So for my speech today I've just written a little passage to portray my thoughts, in what would probably have been a drunk mess if I didn't write something down. So here goes; There's always a time in life when you look around and notice everybody around you is here for a reason. A reason not always known right away, but that comes apparent further on. Well in my 21 years of life I've been made into the person I am today by the people I surround myself with. With receiving passion and encouragement from dad, and nurture and creativity from mum I have blossomed into a healthy, happy hippy. With honesty, listening and companionship from my sisters, And protection, caring and role modelling from my brothers I have bloomed into a helpful, loving and safeguarded friend. With loyalty, silliness and strength from my friends, And trust, believing and most of all love from my partner I have flourished into an energetic, honest and loving girl. So it's safe to say I wouldn't posses these qualities and be the person I am today if it wasn't for all of you. So with that I finally say thank you." On looking back to this special day, viewing photos and sharing memories and other sights, it is safe to say I can see all my connections further made apparent, further made strong and further made ever lasting. Quite a few people were caught out crying through my speeches, not just mine but my friends, parents and sisters. The person I was most surprised about was my beautiful and loving partner, Nick. He's stronger than me and to this day I've never seen him shed a single drop. Knowing that his emotions are so true that they flood his thoughts and cheeks when I'm being celebrated streamlines our connection together. I love him with all my heart and will never let him go no matter what. He's my night in shining armour and I'll love him forever. I couldn't have asked for a better person to come along and bring my life back to life. Forever and always, I'll be happy.

[completely-simplicity]

Bubbles

Stress. What is it? Where does it surface from? And why does it bubble over? I’ve figured out that it’s hard to answer those questions. It’s hard because who really knows how they might react to something and how they’ll deal with a stressful matter or situation. In our circumstance it’s the fact we’re picking up our Australian lives and shifting them both over the other side of the world to Canada in exactly 4 weeks today. In 4 weeks we have so much to do, to organise, to pack. So much that it’s starting to ‘bubble over’ into a dangerous territory. It must just be a coincidence that both Nick and i’s star signs are ruled by the planet Mercury and the fact that a thermometer is filled with it. As this coincidence is fuelling our lives right now. Like a hot thermometer rising, Nick and I begin to 'bubble’. How is it so that all this Mercury and stress has just hit us all at once? Why is it putting a dwelling on our relationship when this should be the happiest time of all? And where do we need to find our inner peace and comfort again? I love him with all my heart but it’s getting hard. Help us focus on the 5th week and not dwell on these stressful 4. Help us see the light at the end of the tunnel and be there for each other throughout. And help us get through this bubbling thermometer.

[completely-simplicity]

Thank you.

I just wanted to say Thank you. Don't ask why; just accept it. I love you.

[completely-simplicity]

Addicted

Fuck. I’m so addicted to you. Your face, your hair, your stance. Your smell, your touch, your kiss. Not for a second there’s something inside me that doesn’t yearn for you. I’m addicted to you. Your voice, your laugh, your smile. Your compassion, your honesty, your love. Not for a second there’s something inside me that doesn’t want you forever. I’m addicted to you. Our relationship, our adventures, our sex. Our dreams, our life, our future. Addicted.