Here I go, making it awkward.
I just realized that my main tagline came from someone who I no longer talk to for various reasons. He used to tell me "If you stop thinking something is awkward, it won't be. It's only awkward because you make it awkward." Which sounds wise, but looking back I'm noticing that he only ever said it when something wildly inappropriate was said by him and I didn't know how to react. So, I have finally let go of that tagline after... 6? Years.
Little context as to why I want/need to change it for anyone who is curious:TW for manipulation and/or grooming.
I grew up talking to this guy, starting at age 13 for me and 16 for him, when I met him on one of those virtual world chatroom sites that are a thing. (I'm not an angel in this story. I was telling everyone I was 22 at the time. He also was lying about his age, as were all of the people we used to talk to.) He always had a specific way of speaking to me, which I read as a loving brother type rather than someone interested in me in any other way. We used to say we loved each other every night when we talked, and I guess I clung on to the affection I was receiving because I didn't hear it much at home. He began making more suggestive comments as we got older, making it more obvious that I needed to tell him my real age. (Y'know, being a literal child and all.) At age 14, I revealed my true age to all of my online friends at the time because it was getting to the point where I couldn't lie anymore. We began skyping a lot after the truth was told. Our friendship even got to the point where my mother had conversations with him while we were talking. It wasn't too weird, as it was more natural than typing, but eventually he began commenting on how gorgeous he thought I was and made it known that he found me attractive. I, once again, shrugged it off because brothers can say stuff of that nature and I wasn't exactly the most confident so the compliments made me like myself a bit more.
Years passed and we continued to talk. He lived in Australia and I lived in the US, making the times that we talked very odd sometimes. From age 13 to 16 I talked with this guy almost every single day and shrugged off weird behavior and comments whenever they would arrise as to avoid confrontation because, as I stated before, I clung on to the affection.
Around my 15th birthday, he informed me that he wasn't good for me and that he was going to stop talking to me. He said that he would just end up hurting me and that I shouldn't subject myself to dealing with that. Looking back, I wish I had let him leave, but instead I sent him a long paragraph begging him to stay in my life because I couldn't lose such a big part of my life. He ended up responding and we went on as if it had never happened.
A few short weeks passed and we were completely back to normal. He would invite me to play games with his friends where he would use only the nickname he gave me and didn't really like when I would introduce myself as Erin. Feeling a bit uneasy, I stopped hopping on to hang out with them.
It wasn't until he began speaking as though he controlled me and expressing how much he wanted to have sex with me at age 15 or 16 that I really got uncomfortable. He would always comment about how, if I was bad, I would have to be punished. (Want to throw it out there, it wasn't the dominant nature of the encounters that grossed me out. There is nothing wrong with that sort of conversation when both people are consenting adults.) There were a couple of months in which I played into it, teasing in ways that I shouldn't have been at 15 or 16, but in my head this was the internet and there were no consequences for jokingly playing into what he was saying. Even still, I would always remind him that the relationship we had was more of a family or sibling relationship and nothing more, to which he would always reply, "Hey, incest is wincest". I laughed at it the first time. And the second. But by the third time he said that phrase to me, I realized that maybe he wasn't joking. He once went on to explain it as something along the lines of "You're not my actual sister. It's not like I want to fuck my blood relative. But you're a different kind of sister to me." I began distancing myself, and he did the same. I had the mindset of If he wants to talk to me, he'll reach out which I guess I was correct about.
Around my 18th birthday, he sparked a conversation with me to catch up and whatnot which I assumed was going to be light-hearted and fun. Turns out he was just very excited that I was legal now and began pushing the idea of doing something over Skype. When I called him out for him being gross, for lack of a better term, he replied that it was his right as he earned it for grooming me for so many years. I was taken aback, mainly because I had to look up what exactly grooming meant. When I read up on it, I felt sick. I knew he wasn't joking, even though he swore he was. It made me look back on our entire 4 or 5 year friendship and take notice of everything that felt... Off. And it all made too much sense. I cried to my mother, who informed me that I shouldn't continue talking to him. I told all of my other internet friends and they all were horrified but not shocked, as they knew the kind of person he was. If I'm being honest with myself and anyone who has read this far, I continued to talk to him on and off for a couple years after that. Reaching out to complain about college or being an adult, I would willingly invite him back into my life, even if it was just for a moment.
The last time I talked to him was during the bad wildfires in Australia. I sent a quick message, shorter than a proper sentence, to make sure he was fine. He replied in the same way, short and to the point.
He's still a friend of mine on snapchat... I notice when he watches my stories. I take note of when my face or voice is showing/being heard. Maybe I like the idea of him seeing how I'm still standing and how I'm okay, or maybe I don't know how to let go of someone completely... Either way, One day I will be able to move on. Maybe if I manifest that thought, I'll be able to let go.
