#true conversations

[formerfundiekid]

Conversations with my dad:

Two weeks ago: The coronavirus is being blown out of proportion by Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats.

One week ago: The governor’s stay-home order is just another example of liberals panicking.

Today: Coronavirus is a massive crisis and is probably a sign that the return of Christ is imminent.

[mymoony]

Easily pleased

James: So how was your first date with Moony?

Sirius, dreamily: It was so good Prongs, I’m definitely in love...

James: Wow Pads, that didn’t take long?

Sirius: James. He parallel parked the car on the first try like it was no big deal! He doesn’t even have a rear-view camera!! God that really turns me on...

James: Merlin above please tell me you didn’t have sex in my dad’s car

[bewareofchris]

Me: The one thing I could never, ever write is the story where Altair figures out that Phyllis let Umar die on purpose

Sister: ABSOLUTELY NO

Me: ok but what if

Sister: .......you're going to do it aren't you

Me: (having already written 25k of it) noooooooo

Sister: this is why you can't have nice things.

[inconclusionray]

friend: Is the author dead?

me: OF COURSE THE AUTHOR IS DEAD. INTENT IS NOTHING. TEXT IS ALL. TRANSFORM EVERYTHING!

friend: ...I meant that one dude. Who wrote the thing. That we were just talking about.

me:

me: Oh.

me: Yeah, he's dead too.

[comicreliefmorlock]

INFP: You're not allowed to die first, FYI

INTJ: I'll do my best

INFP: No, you'll just NOT DIE FIRST

INTJ: wait does this mean if I get a terminal illness I have to murder you

INFP: Yes

[katdvs]

Axton: Happy Easter Day!

Me: Happy Easter Day!

Jess: Happy Easter, also Happy Zombie Day!

Me: I'm not explaining that one to him.

[ensembleoocnsfanyonereally]

MFWIZARD: I would sob uncontrollably if it didn't mean the Gawd Damned Paladin would mock me for it. Asshole.

Booze Ho: What Paladin?

MFW: He doesn't exist and mom does not like him best. Shut up.

BH: Okay, so how do you get to the heart? Please enlighten me.

MFW: With a spoon. Or a spell. That's messy though.

BH: What about silver-tipped arrows?

MFW: Naw. Just does damage. And costs money. To much money.

Possibly an Assassin: An ice pick about 2cm to the left of the center of their chest, Booze Ho. That usually works if you are enthusiastic.

BH: Thanks!    

MFW:  Well sure if all you want to do is kill... but I harvest those. Good black market money for working ones.

BH: Have I ever told you that I love the way you think?

MFW: Booze.

BH: (Bringing out a fresh vat, Vera mixes 1/2 Everclear and 1/2 Absinthe, with marijuana garnish.)

MFW: Then yes, yes you have.

[ensembleoocnsfanyonereally]

Damned Right.

Me, the MFWIZARD: The fuck you been?

Booze Ho: Fuckin drinkin and playing some fucking rockband. Where the fuck have you been

MFW: On the floor a lot. Sometimes awake.

BH: pssh lightweight

MFW: Fuck you and your lack of mixed booze.

BH: Mixed booze? You don’t know my life.

MFW: I don't need to. I know your liqueur cabinet. Much preferred.