i thought you cared
you rub your hand up and down my arm, such a soothing gesture, forcing the person to feel safe. you looked at me and told me it was ok to talk and let it out. thats so rare coming from you. you say you wanted me to talk. i should've known better. i shouldve thought before i opened my mouth. i shouldnt have been so gullible to think you actually cared. but i thought you cared because youre suppose to. i think i can trust you because youre my mom, so shouldnt i be able to speak up? not in my case. as i soon as i start telling you how i feel you beat me down, yelling, blaming me being unhappy on me instead of what is happening in my life. as soon as i opened up you made me want to shut down again because i just wanted to talk but you just were trying to find a way to twist my words and blame me. sometimes i ask for another mom, not because i dont love you but because i want to be treated better. a girl shouldnt fear her dad, choking everytime she tries saying something. im fucking 15 and i pinch myself to sleep just to feel something. cutting isnt an option because when dad sees he will call me weak. just another thing to add on his list of whyim a disappointment. i cant wait till im 18, not because im excited for bills, taxes, college, worrying where to live, but i wont be in a toxic household and ill learn how to speak up for myself because you always made me be quiet. its sad to me that i wish i never end up like the people who made me, watched me grow up, and supposedly “love me”. i dont think u dont love ur kids, i think you just have a fucked up way in showing you care.
i hope you understood, took responsibility like a fucking adult, and apologized. i guess your pride is to far up your ass huh?
sometimes i just want you to tell me im not a coward, disappointment, or a screw up. sometimes i want you to take a break from yelling at me. sometimes i want you to put the belt down. but you wont let me speak, never did and when i do you point fingers at me.
its all me
like i said, cant wait to move out.