okay, bear with me on this little bonrad rant real quick.
Belly forgot Conrad collected stamps.
Belly forgot Conrad was a geek. she admits it, stating that she always just remembered him as cool and adult like when they were younger.
Belly doesn't even seem to know that Conrad is allergic to peaches, probably bc she always just watched him eat whatever made everyone else happy.
Belly remembers wrong, forgetting that CONRAD found the dog and CONRAD cries when the dog is taken away.
Belly, taking pride is always remembering everything from when they were kids, is now terrified of what else she got wrong.
a LOT of things Belly. a lot.
all of this to say, Bellys memories of Conrad are all messed up - they're all clouded by emotions of a love sick girl and a heart broken teen.
now hear me out...
the Conrad Belly thinks she knows isn't really Conrad, it's just what she's created in her mind to fill in all the gaps. Conrad was stoic and reserved, to keep the peace, so she always just filled in the gaps when it came to him with her own perception.
Belly also remembers things wrong like the day of the boardwalk. while Belly acts like it was something Conrad didn't even want to do but did it to flirt with another girl, meanwhile Conrad spent most the day trying to win her Junior Mint bc he KNEW she wanted it without ever even asking her, he just knew her. this is bc she never thought CONRAD, perfect, cool, all grown up Conrad could ever want to be with HER (a complex that never went away when they were dating btw).
even when Conrad states "great, then be with be with me then", Belly is acting like she's dreaming and can't wake up. bc CONRAD FISHER was way too cool, grown up, and perfect to feel that way about her.
okay, still with me? cool cool okay, so Conrad states that Belly always saw him like he hung the moon and stars and a HUGE reason why their relationship fell apart was because of the pedestal Belly had placed Conrad on, and how much Conrad tried to stay there. he never could amount to what Belly always saw him as without always lying to her and pretending he didn't have feelings or flaws.
Conrad knew that Belly had a warped perception of him, due to her rose colored glasses, and he tried to let that image of him persist. to do that, he had to continue to stay dishonest and keep things to himself.
Conrad always kept things locked tight inside and what he NEEDED was someone to confide in, but he couldn't even do that with Belly, in case it would ruin the perfect idea of him she had.
Belly saw Conrad as perfect, so the moment the perfect Conrad she always saw started to crack, she thought it meant he hated her, that he didn't want her anymore. when in reality, Conrad was just too broken to keep up the act anymore. he needed someone he could be raw with, he could have a panic attack in front of, cry in front of, but he wouldn't let himself do that bc he seemed to think it would ruin the image of him she had.
okay stay with me. so the only way for Belly to make sense of him acting in a way perfect-Conrad would never act, she decided it meant the whole time, she was being played. he really always was perfect, too grown up, too cool Conrad, and he just was done putting up with her childish ways. he never cared for her the way she cared for him. he was just tolerating her.
(in Bellys defense Conrad DOES call her a child at the funeral but in Conrad's defense Belly WAS acting like a child so...)
so when she finds Jeremiah there as an option, she calls what she has with him REAL bc she really thinks she was just being fooled the whole time she was with Conrad. whereas Jeremiah, she never loved him, so every memory of him was never clouded as anything but just nostalgia.
she also remembers a lot of her childhood as being in love, so it was easy for her to warp her memories onto Jeremiah, since he was there the whole time anyway. memories like Conrad crying over a dog, reasons that made her love Conrad, was put onto Jeremiah to make herself be convinced it was Jere all along.
when in reality, it was very real for Conrad and with Conrad, but Belly really was still blinded by her childhood crush that she couldn't see past the image she had of him. he could do no wrong, until he did, and one wrong didn't fit in the image she had - so she decided it must of been her. he just didn't love her. he just lead her on bc he didn't want to break her heart.
(obviously Conrad feeds into this when he tells her he didn't meant what he said that night in the motel, all bc he was once again afraid of hurting her.)
OKAY IM ALMOST DONE I PROMISE
so for 4 years she's convinced herself she really always just loved Jeremiah, it was always Jeremiah. until suddenly her reality is shattered again bc Jere cheated.
now Belly is GRASPING, she is STRUGGLING to hold onto this image she's had since she was a kid. this idealistic memory of kids who are all warped by the naive perception of childhood. she has to marry Jeremiah, bc that's how's its always supposed to have gone. if she's wrong about THIS, what all is she wrong about? is she right about anything anymore?
and now the Conrad who she convinced herself never loved her is looking at her like she hung the moon and stars. he cleaned her face with his shirt and it was the most intimate things she's ever experienced. if she was wrong about HIM not loving her then what else was she wrong about???
not to mention he's gone to therapy and grown up away from Cousins, so now he's even opening up to her. he's showing her the Conrad he always should've shown. he's ready to be completely and totally Conrad for her.
and THE ONLY WAY for her to ever move past this childhood pipe dream is for Belly to discover HERSELF away from Cousins. away from the Fisher boys. away from everything her childhood and identity had warped into to fit the mold her and Susannah had created for herself.
then, FINALLY then, she can come back to Conrad, and see him for who he is. just Conrad Fisher. not perfect Conrad, not too cool Conrad, not too mature and grown up Conrad. just him. raw, authentic him. only then can she finally truly be in love with him the way he had always loved her.
just for who he is.
okay I'm done. this one's been stirring in my mind for a while now, had to get it out.
It's actually quite crazy to me when Conrad calls Belly out "who are you". Because it has so much impact. After the relationship with Conrad ended and Susanah died she NEEDED someone so bad, and the only person that NEEDED someone as much as her was Jeremiah. So she clung to him and got in a relationship just to not process the grief of everything happening.
So for, the past four years all she has been doing is convince herself that this is who she is when she's not. Because she let go of who she is in the process of trying to unlearn loving Conrad. Her childhood, the entirety of which she spend loving Conrad is WHO SHE IS. They are her foundation. Being optimistic, calling people out for bad behaviour (asking Conrad to stop smoking), being confrontational and seeking answers to everything IS who Belly is. But in the time jump she's become this mothering girlfriend who forgives everything her boyfriend does and gives into his every whim. Does not confront anything, does not question anything and blindly tries to convince herself this is what she wants. Because when she faces reality she'll have neither Conrad (since he was in California and she thought he didn't love her) nor Jere (because Jere is not what she wants).
THIS is not Belly at all. But Belly is in her bubble of denial, constantly telling herself it's who she is. But all it takes for all this to turn around IS ONE DAY. ONE DAY IN THE VICINITY OF CONRAD. NOT EVEN SPEAKING A LOT. That's what it takes for the first cracks in her denial.
Then to strengthen her denial she says yes to the wedding. But yet again, Conrad. Staying with him is a reminder of who she truly is, of who she truly wants. So she does what she does best and avoids him. When she can't she lets one moment of weakness slip up. Then goes back to the cycle of denial. All of this to protect herself from reality. To stay in her illusion of happiness.
So now, even after having sex with jere why does she have a montage of Conrad in her head? Why does she reveal she'd always imagined Conrad? That this wasn't her dream wedding? Why does she break down crying not once but twice after Conrad's confession?
Because it HURTS. It hurts her to face reality. The mere possibility of being hurt by conrad again is way worse than any real hurt jere causes her. Because with Conrad it's hard to pretend. It's hard to create a bubble of delusion and denial and this illusion of happiness. Because everything is way too real with him, the love, the feelings, the passion, the heart break. All of it. And she doesn't know if she's ready for it yet.
Okay, I know I just had a whole analysis about Jeremiah and why he is the way he is, and how I want him to break out of this mindset, but now I'm mad so I'm just going to rant about my rage. That's literally all this is; rage.
So.
I'm tired of everyone placating Jere and getting angry at Conrad like it's not 50% (honestly it's more like 80%) Jere's fault that his relationship ended up the way it did. Him and Belly together was bad even before Conrad said he loved her, and if they'd gotten married it would've only gotten worse. They were in this toxic relationship where Jere needs to constantly have his way, unable to have a disagreement with Belly without forcing her to give in or provide him emotional labor. Jere has never put in the work to try and put Belly's needs or feelings first, only thinking them an extension on how they can make him feel better. And in the rare times when he did do something purely for her, and it was usually something small and ultimately meaningless like the cake thing, he always told her like he wanted some sort of credit, like it was some grand thing she needed to thank him for. Taking your partners wants and needs into account is the bare fucking minimum, not something you get a fucking cookie for. And Belly is stuck in this romanticized version of love and trying to make it work with Jere, giving away more and more of her identity and who she is to be what she thinks Jere "needs". They were so stagnant in this awful, co-dependent dynamic, and if they were to get married, Belly would've just kept being a ghost of herself and Jere would continue to get worse in his behavior, needing to constantly be babied by her.
And we even see proof of this dynamic in this episode; the way he calls her, acts all weepy and hopeful that she'll come back and get back together with him, only for her to explain she needs space and time for herself, he immediately flipped on her, acting hurt and like he's the victim. He didn't care to ask what about her did she feel was lost, about her mindset; she just said she didn't want to get back together, and he snapped and turned on the victim act, trying to make her feel bad. Like, fuck you, genuinely fuck you. You don't care about her, you care about having her around, that's all. Every time Belly talks to him she always has to placate him, to work around his feelings, even now. You can see it in her face, the way she measures every word, the way she takes on all the responsibility for what happened rather than it being partly Jere's fault for how their relationship was in the first place. So no, Conrad did not ruin everything, and I'm sick of everyone in this episode pretending it is. Like, half of them already saw and pointed out flaws within their relationship, but suddenly Conrad saying he loved Belly was the only wrench in this whole relationship? No.
And the way he fucking relished in taunting, mocking Conrad. He loved seeing him hurt, loved being the one to hurt him. Conrad never wanted Jere to be hurt even with the Belly situation, has always taken Jere's feelings into account, but no, not Jere; he wants Conrad to fall from the pedestal Jeremiah has imagined him on. He fucking loves hurting his brother, has this entire season, and it's sickening to watch. Jeremiah wants pity for Belly having slight alternative motives for getting with him to get over Conrad, as if Jeremiah wanting to get with Belly didn't have anything with Conrad. Belly truly felt a spark with Jeremiah, truly wanted to move on from Conrad; this was a real desire of hers, there was no ill intention there. Jere, on the other hand, wanted to "have" something Conrad wanted. Their relationship has been haunted by Conrad from the very beginning, and Jere knew it, and he did it anyway. Now he wants to act like the victim, like Belly did something wrong when Jere did the same fucking thing, but being self aware about it. Like it was somehow Conrad's fault he haunts their relationship when Conrad literally moved to California and avoided everyone to avoid this from happening. Conrad let his relationship with the people he knew since he was young become fraught simply because he didn't want to get in the way. He shows up once, and they break up? If that's the case, that's not on him, that's just a relationship that wasn't meant to work in the fucking first place.
I think I'm so angry because I went into this wanting someone to get angry at Jere, to tell him what he did wrong, to have Jeremiah wake the fuck up. Not Adam, cause he doesn't do it correctly; no, he needs a peer to tell him this, like Steven, or Conrad. Or maybe an actual mature parental figure like Laurel. But no, we continue to let Jere deflect the blame on everyone else, and I'm so sick of it. And I'm sick of everyone dog piling Conrad like it was his fault cause it's fucking not. This isn't going to give Jeremiah character development, it's just reaffirming that he didn't do anything wrong when that isn't true. He needs to get over his fucking inferiority complex and and move the fuck on, and I'm scared, based on the way the episode ended with Adam, that he's just gonna follow in Adam's path after all.
Bro I can't believe people are still team Jeremiah after everything he did to Belly. I see if you don't have a team but if you still blame Conrad, that's insane. He's probably one of the only sane people in that show and y'all hate it. Conrad is over here working on himself and trying to be better while Jeremiah Fisher is being a man child. I don't agree with most of what Adam has said to Jeremiah but he needs to grow up. He's letting his insecurities get the best of him and it shows. Maybe instead of rushing to get married because of your stupid mistake, try to talk to Belly and have an actual conversation. To all my lost and confused men/women out there not knowing how to make up with your lover, try to communicate with them instead of doing some impulsive thing that'll ruin each other's lives. Sorry about the rant but...
this is probably an unpopular opinion but i am so, so mad at susannah.
long rant ahead.
i cannot pretend to even begin to understand the position that susannah's in, but her willful oblivion towards conrad's attitude all summer is so unfair.
from the moment the conklins arrive, susannah makes quips about how much conrad's changed. she does try a few times to talk to him or have someone else do so, but in my opinion she's not nearly concerned enough about him.
for example, the scene when she comes home after drinking at the bar and sits on the staircase. conrad comes in, immediately lifts her and says "no falling tonight", making it clear this has happened before, and nearly has tears in his eyes as he walks her up the stairs. how could she possibly not notice that he's aware something's wrong with her?
she says it herself at the end: "i should've known, i didn't want to believe it." i get it. it's similar to what conrad said to cleveland, about saying it out loud making it real. but susannah is a mother. she saw her normally happy and loving son completely withdraw into himself, quit his hobbies/pastimes, distance himself from friends and family, begin drinking and smoking (all huge signs of depression) and acted like he was being annoying and inconvenient instead of noticing that something was really wrong with him.
another example: when susannah jokes to jeremiah that the "storm cloud" over conrad's head has wandered. to reduce his clear suffering to something as simple and melodramatic as teenage angst felt so devastating to me. whether she knew the reason for his mood or not, it hurt me that someone supposedly so close with her children couldn't see him breaking down.
i know susannah wanted the happiness of one last good summer, but instead her blindly demanded optimism traumatized conrad completely. laurel tries to stand up to susannah and i think that's a really important scene - when susannah refuses adam's help, the implication there is that then conrad and jeremiah will be the ones who have to take care of her. obviously they would do anything for their mom, but they're the children and they have other options. i was really behind laurel in that scene, but because of the parallels - her keeping the knowledge of susannah's cancer in all alone - it really makes me sad that she never once considered conrad could be dealing with the same.
idk. i just think that susannah, and laurel to an extent, really failed him.
everyone says that Conrad confessed his love to Belly and then he just couldn't stop, which is so so true, but a lot of ppl are acting like this was bc therapy taught him to express his feelings and this was just some kind of new and improved Conrad or something.
I disagree.
when Conrad told Belly how he felt in s1, he never had any hesitation telling her how he felt. once he felt like his mom had a chance and he saw hope again, he didn't feel weighted in grief, and he felt like he could be with Belly and not burden her. once he felt like he wasn't a burden, he had zero problems telling her his feelings. he was more vocal than Belly tbh.
remember, it was Conrad who drove hours to meet her at her door and tell her he will never get over her and wants to be with her. Jeremiah was why he wasn't even with her right away in the first place.
Conrad stayed away from Cousins, from Jeremiah, from Steven, from Belly, because he couldn't trust himself with her.
he says this himself to Agnes.
Conrad on a regular basis does things that make his feelings clear to Belly and then he takes it back because he didnt think he was good for her - but this is bc he couldn't control himself when he was around her. Almost kissing her on the doc, telling her how he feels in the motel, he did these things out of impulse, because holding it in HURT.
Conrad always left because if he stayed, he wouldn't be able to keep it in anymore. He says this to Agnes!!! he spent a day with her on Christmas and had to leave because he didn't trust himself if he stayed. It physically hurt not to tell her how he felt, and he wasn't keeping it in for his sake or his incapability to express feelings. He was keeping it in for her and Jeremiah.
He didn't want to stay in Cousins because he didn't trust himself around her. He avoids her for most of their time there by occupying himself with the house because he can't hold it in and when hes around her all he wants to do is kiss her and touch her and tell her he loves her. and he CAN'T.
so yeah, when he says it finally, he just keeps saying it but that's because Conrad always wanted to keep saying it and now that he has, there's no more reason to put up a front. he always wanted to confess his love to her time and time again. he always wanted to tell everyone he was in love with her. he told Jeremiah he loved her so casually, with no hesitation. when Belly said, "I thought we loved each other," he didn't hesitate to say "we did," not telling her killed him!!! but she wasn't ready to hear it.
when they dated, they were so young, I'm sure he never said "I love you" in words because, for one, he didn't seem to think it was necessary. to Conrad, there was no need for words. It was obvious. but also, saying "I love you" is something so serious and intimate, and they really never got much time by themselves because of long distance. plus, they only dated for a few months!!! that's a scary thing to say as a teenager!! (not to mention Conrad often said things that were basically "i love you" without saying the exact words).
but once Conrad realized Belly needed the words, it was too late. but I don't think he ever would have hesitated if he knew Belly needed to hear it. it was more of waiting for the right time that never happened until they were out of time, and the more he never said it, the more he was like a shaken up soda bottle.
he said himself that he loved Belly so much that he forgot about everyone else. every time he was with her, he had to do any and everything not to tell her how he felt.
then on that beach, the bottle cap finally comes off, and he explodes. "fuck i still love you," the words he wish he yelled to her 4 years ago when she declared they didn't love each other ither enough, but he couldn't bc she was too drunk. he's been keeping it in for so long and literally physically can't anymore.
Conrad says it wasn't his intention to confess his love to her, and it wasn't. it just happened because what he knew would happen. he spent enough time with her to the point that he couldn't hold it back and longer.
after that, holding it in anymore was pointless. he was overflowing with love confessions because he's been dying to say this for years!!! Belly knew, Jeremiah knew, so what's the point in holding back.
this wasn't therapy-Conrad that can express his feelings now. this was normal-Conrad, that he spent years of therapy trying to suppress. though similar, they are also both very, very different.
Conrad thought he didn't deserve Belly bc he would eventually be his father. He was afraid it was inevitable, he saw too much of himself in his father and no matter how much he tried to extinguish that part of him, he couldn't. We are our worst versions of ourselves in grief, and I think his grief just made him see himself being his father again and again and he felt like he would only hurt Belly, like his dad hurt his mom.
Conrad saw Jeremiah like their mom. He saw Jeremiah as pure and loving, never would hurt anyone, just wanted to bring the life to people's eyes again and would do anything for a smile. He thought Belly deserved Jeremiah because Jeremiah was like their mom, and their mom would never do anything to hurt Belly.
When Conrad realized that Jeremiah cheated, suddenly everything came crashing down. Conrad wasn't like their dad, Jeremiah was. And he had pushed Jeremiah onto Belly all these years, thinking that it would protect her, when instead it made her complacent and unhappy.
He finally confessed bc he realized he wasn't his father, and he never would be. He COULD make Belly happy. He would never in a million years hurt her like Jeremiah hurt her.
Only, what Conrad didn't realize, was that whatever Jeremiah did, it would never hurt her like how Conrad hurt her. Because Conrad was who she truly loved - Jeremiah was just a substitute.
I can't get over how Jeremiah says "you still love her Con," to Conrad after literally being broken up with Belly for like two months. as if Conrad had the audacity. yeah no shit Jeremiah, did you expect your brother who told you he loved her sm his chest ached not telling her to get over her in 2 months???? like actually insane behavior??? like why are you mad that he still loves HIS ex girlfriend who only is his ex bc Belly broke up with HIM bc he was depressed that his mom was dying???? like yeah making out with her on his car was a shit thing to do???? I actually just can't fathom it. and then you ask him if it's okay with him (kinda) AFTER pursuing her and making out with her - like dude what did you expect him to say? "yes I love her and you can't have her"???? it's just crazy like he's so infuriating. just the concept of Jeremiah is rage bait god.
