#tumblrshenanigans

[kchasm]

I love extrapolating unintended lore from a video game's text. Yes, yes, it's probably a translation convention for the player because characters aren't actually speaking English in-universe, or something like that, but that's no fun. You know what's fun? Insisting that the world of Fire Emblem must have included the existence of a "Hamburg" due to the word "hamburger." That's very fun to me.

[matan4il]

Happy FFWF! What's your favorite story that you've ever written and why?

Thank you for this ask lovely! xoxox

TBH, I feel like giving a whole list. Blue Against Blue, which feels like my first Buddie fic (even though working on it for four months means I ended up posting other, shorter things first), and it has so much of everything, or Jerusalem Bells Are Ringing, because being about a Jewish version of Buck makes it personal in a whole different way, or Every Journey, because I love getting to write in different styles and this one was so lyrical, or Fuck Me Yourself, You Coward, ‘coz it was my first humorous Buddie fic...

Really, I don’t know how to choose because each fic I’ve written has something that is ‘the most' in some way.

But right now, I feel like I’m loving extra hard my recent babies. I worked so hard on them and I think there’s a lull in fandom that means a lot of people have missed them, so that’s what I do in such cases. I just love extra, you know?

So that would be Many Moons That Leave (a time travel adventure starring Buddie’s daughter Luna traveling to the past, to the day her dads got together), Footprints in the Sands of Prayer (Buck has a thing for a handsome bartender in a leather jacket, who turns out to have a secret) and Forever Hold Your Peace (about languages of love. My first Buddie drabble).

And right back at you? Would love to hear from you and others about this! If you see this post and you write/make gifs, please make a post of your own about what your fave creation of yours is and tag me, I’d love to hear!

[kchasm]

I Have a Small Question About the Pre-Title Sequence of “Thunderball”

Have you ever watched the beginning of Thunderball? Yeah, the James Bond movie.

The pre-title sequence doesn't have much, if anything to do with the rest of the movie, so I'll summarize it up here real quick: James Bond is on a balcony, watching over some fancy funeral of Colonel Jacques Bouvar, an enemy agent (SPECTRE agent, actually) who Bond's actually kinda steamed he wasn't able to kill himself, since this guy killed two of Bond's MI6 agent buddies in the past. It's a real fancy Catholic funeral, real nice huge black shut coffin, priest doing his blessings with the little smoke thing, the Colonel's wife dressed in funeral dress all black, dark veil, looking pretty distraught (well, you'd think, since all you have to judge by is body language, anyway).

Eventually, the funeral ends, and Bond watches as the dudes who attended the funeral leave. The Colonel's wife is flanked by all her dudes - that whole entourage that rich folks have, you know, their menservants and buttling-dudes and the chauffeur and all that. She opens the passenger car door of her fancy rich folk car and the chauffeur gets in and drives her away.

Transition to: Mrs. Bouvar's mansion, or manor, or whatever they call it. She gets out of the car, alongside her chauffeur, walks up to the front door, another buttling manservant opens the door for her - you know, the whole servants-greeting-their-master kind of deal. Mistress. Whatever. She separates from her company, then walks upstairs into a big fancy mansion kind of room, fireplace and antique-looking furniture and everything, and Bond's there, where he's definitely not supposed to be, but that's Bond for you. I'm not even gonna bring up how he got there and settled in so fast.

Bond offers Mrs. Bouvar his condolences. Then he punches her in the face, sending her sprawling - and the opaque veil flying off, revealing that Mrs. Bouvar isn't Mrs. Bouvar at all! She's actually...

He's actually Colonel Bouvar, disguised as Mrs. Bouvar. He's dressed in women's clothes, black skirt and stockings and high heels and everything. (He might even be wearing makeup, but I can't be sure about that.)

Like, I just want to let that soak in for a second, okay? Okay.

So, what exactly was Bouvar's plan here? Like, I get the whole agent faking his death angle. If you're an agent, and you think your enemies are closing in on you, faking your death isn't a bad idea at all, if you can pull it off. It gets your enemies off your back, and since they're no longer looking in your general direction, whatever you do next is going to be a surprise. Yeah, okay? That I get, I promise.

But why dress as your wife? That's a totally unnecessary move! What was the logic behind this? Oh, having a funeral for myself is all swell and good, but it's lacking that je ne sais quoi, which is a phrase I can use unironically because I'm actually French. I've got to add that hint of realness. That shade of verisimilitude. I've got it! (He says, slapping his knee in triumph.) What puts the fun in funeral? A grieving widow! I'll attend my own funeral, dressed as my wife! This is a clever plan.

Like, you couldn't have gotten your actual wife to play herself? Or no, wait, maybe you don't actually have a wife, I don't know. So just hire an actress to play the wife, and then get rid of her afterward. You're evil; you don't have any qualms about ridding the world of another theatre major. But no, apparently, if you want to do a job right, you've got to do it yourself. And that means Bouvar, dressed in high heels and stockings and a skirt, attending his own funeral.

And remember, this guy spent the whole ride to the funeral, and the whole funeral, and the whole ride from the funeral flanked by his own men. Yeah, that veil was straight up black and dark and non-see-through, but you're telling me none of them were in the know? Some of them must have known. In which case, Bouvar must have briefed them ahead of time. Can you imagine being a fly on the wall for that conversation? Can you imagine how that conversation must have gone? "I'll have to fake my death," says your boss, and you nod, because, yeah, that seems kind of drastic, but your boss is a spy, so drastic is the name of the game. "Set up a funeral - a big fancy funeral, big black coffin, priest swinging around his little smoke thing and everything. I’m talking pulling all the stops, here. We want to make this real. As if I truly died in my sleep and this is the funeral a man of my stature deserves."

You nod, again. You think you know a guy for the job, plus the names of a few churchfolk who understand privacy -

"And to make the funeral seem extra real, I'm going to attend it disguised as my wife."

You start to nod. Stop, mid-gesture. You can't have heard that right. "Ah, sorry?" you say, which is two more words than you usually say when your boss is giving orders.

"My wife," explains the Colonel. "To make it seem all the more real, I'll be disguised as my own widow."

What, you think.

What? you think.

What, you think.

But the fact of the matter is this: Your boss, Colonel Bouvar, is a member of a secret criminal organization that's awfully quick to reward failure and/or disobedience. And by "reward," you mean "trick conference chair that runs a fatal electric current through you at the push of a button," and also "drop a subordinate into a pool of piranha." If your boss says he's going to dress up as his own widow - well, maybe someone's going to stop him, but it isn't going to be you. You're a minor baddie in a James Bond film, for god's sake. Your days are numbered as it is. You probably don't even have a name.

...So anyway, there's a fight scene, and then after Bond kills Colonel Bouvar he puts on his jetpack and flies away from the mansion.

Bond movies. I dunno, man.

[kchasm]

I reference it enough that I figured I ought to make it into an image already. Yes, sorry, graphic design is my etc.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BdZPFzH2JY ("I'm scared of rollercoasters. Can I get over my fear?" on the account "Tom Scott plus")

[kchasm]

I like that one song that goes something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. (pew pew, pew, pew) Something's in the air. (pew pew, pew pew) Something's in the air. (pew, pew, pew pew pew) Something's in the air. (pew pew, pew pew, pew pew) Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. (pew pew) Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the air. Something's in the.

(pew, pew. pew pew pew pew. pew, pew pew pew pew pew, pew pew. pew pew. pew, pew, pew.)

(pew, pew. pew pew pew pew. pew, pew pew pew pew pew, pew pew. pew pew.)

[kchasm]

Halloween Candy Ranked Worst to Best (That I Have Received)

Warning: Opinions, obvs. I’m no authority. Feel free to make your own lists.

26. Sour Patch Kids

Like, I’m sorry, but have you heard that this is Halloween? What are you doing, handing out this sour stuff that’s a chore to eat through? Listen, Halloween is a game of numbers. You have just this much energy to make the rounds and catch as much tooth-rotting candy as you can, and you’ve got to spend it wisely. Sweet puts zip in your step, pushing you on an extra one or two houses, but sour? Sour just stops you straight.

Also eating them feels kind of cannibalistic.

25. Candy Corn

I’m not sure how this is even a thing. The rare case where the candy imitation of an actual food actually tastes worse than the original. Has anyone, ever, managed to eat candy corn that isn’t stale? I swear it comes out of the factory that way. It’s just blegh. Still, better than Sour Patch Kids.

24. Reese’s

Okay, I actually debated with myself for a while before putting this here. Here’s the thing: Reese’s are good. Like, I can tell they’re good. Something close to objectively, they’re good.

But this is KChasm opinions time, and when I was a little kid someone gave me a Reese’s without telling me there was peanut butter in it. I was expecting the chocolate. I was not expecting the peanut butter. Just the sheer unexpectedness of it made me gag, and ever since then my first reaction to eating a Reese’s is the nausea of that memory.

This isn’t fair to Reese’s. I like peanut butter, dammit.

23. Cachews

Here’s the thing. I’m not a fan of nuts. Nothing against them (I’ll chow down on some trail mix every now and then, even), but with few exceptions (see below) they just aren’t my thing when I’m out for sweets. Nuts? Grand. Nuts in my chocolate? Man, hold that stuff.

Cachews go this low, though, because they’re mostly nut. Like they’re basically nut lump with a thin chocolate coating. GUYS, THAT IS ALMOST THE OPPOSITE OF CANDY

22. Rocky Bites

Another nut-filled candy. The funny thing is, I don’t mind the larger, regular-sized version of this stuff, but the fun size? Sometimes you get a good one, one that tastes fine, but then you chomp into the next one and it’s practically all nut, minimal chocolate. In other words, the chocolate-nut ratio is highly unstable, and I don’t want to be spinning the roulette wheel every time I reach for a sweet. That’s all.

21. Hershey’s Kisses

Not actually kisses.

20. Chonglets

Points docked for the frankly stupid name and the quasi-racist wrapper design. Past that, though, there simply isn’t much to recommend in this one. You just sort of eat it, and it fills stomach space that could have been used for much better candies. This is the start of the section with the “yeah okay” candies, basically.

19. PB Snaps

See, these have “PB” right in the name, so you know what to expect!

In all seriousness, I shouldn’t rank them this high (they’re mostly peanut butter and wafer; the thin layer of chocolate feels like it was put there out of obligation than anything else) but...what the hey, right? They go down easy, and you can pretend the lesser amount of chocolate means they’re slightly healthier than the rest of your stash (in reality, that peanut butter is doing a fine job of clogging your arteries on its own, but like I said: “Pretend”).

18. Zig-Zaggers

Another guilty wafer pleasure, except with less peanut butter (read: none) and more chocolate. I’d put them higher on this list, except the pale color of the wafers and the fact they come in bars always makes me remember that Stephen King story, the one where the guy ends up eating his own fingers.

Listen. I know I have problems.

17. Maxwell Chompers

Here’s the thing about Chompers: They’re so plain. Not only in ingredients (chocolate and...that’s it), but in design. Even if you do like chocolate (and I do like chocolate), there’s something about them that’s unsatisfying. Like, the inkling of potential gone unfulfilled.

Then again, there is elegance in simplicity. I’ll go back and forth on this depending on the state of mind I’m in, but today feels more like a “back” day. So.

16. Wafer-Stix

Funny, that the candy that actually touts its waferness should have the smallest wafer-to-sweet ratio. Wafer-Stix (Stixes?) innovated the entire wafer-and-chocolate concept by putting the wafer on the inside. Brilliant! Get a stack of these and just pop them into your mouth, one after another.

15. Chocca-Nutties

What? A nut candy, this far up the list?

Yeah. Listen. I have no proper explanation. I just know what I like. And when you get through all the layers of sweet to find the nut in the center, it always feels like a success, even if you don’t like nuts.

And then you realize you have to eat the nut on its own, now, and, you know, less success. Still, something something journey destination.

14. Zeppelins

In Mexico they know the genius of mole poblano. This isn’t anything like that, but it’s still somewhere along the road vaguely in that direction. A combination of sweet and tangy (or is it spicy?) probably shouldn’t work this well, but somehow it does anyway.

Still, there are times when you don’t feel like spicy (or is it tangy?). I’ve split the difference and put this stuff a bit lower on the list than I would on another day.

13. Big Berthas

A chocolate that’s hedonistic and knows it. Seriously, you give your four-year-old this and they’ll be revved up for days. I love ‘em. So why are they so low on my list?

Because like I said, they’re hedonistic. And while kid me was all for hedonism, now me is, uh, not so much. When something becomes more “guilty” than “pleasure,” it’s time to stop.

Also the woman on the wrapper is creepy. Shut up, she totally is.

12. Wesker’s

From here on up is the good stuff, no hemming or hawing about it. Which means that starting from here I had an absolute pain of a time deciding the order.

Anyway, Wesker’s. What can I say about them? You bite into a Wesker’s, and you get chocolate, but you also get that sweet berry filling that is just at the right consistency. I half admire this one on the construction alone, and seeing as it’s my list, that actually counts. So there.

11. Lumps

Lumps are ridiculous.

I mean it. They’re just...chocolate chunks stuck to other chocolate chunks with more, less chunky chocolate. There is no universe in which such a simple throw-it-in candy should rank this high, but here it is.

It’s the crunch. The crunch is satisfying.

10. Moose!

Okay, full confession. Moose! (with the official exclamation mark and everything) makes it up here mostly on chutzpah. Lumps are ridiculous in an “I can’t believe this works” way. Moose!? Moose! is just ridiculous, period, from the chocolate-covered moose on the wrapper with the googly eyes to the...what’s in this stuff? Chocolate? This is just chocolate, trying to pretend to be something more. They’ve even got that little trail of hard barely sweet white not-frosting on top of each one, like someone at the last minute tried to shoot for fanciness (and failed, obvs). They aren’t even anything like mousse. That was the point of the pun and you couldn’t even get that right.

I love it. I love them.

9. Boowahs

Okay, let’s get out of the irony zone, now. Boowahs are unironically good. You think this is just another chocolate bar? Wrong. white chocolate and chocolate chunks, buddy! Bam! Another candy with a satisfying crunch, even though there’s less of it.

Also, I have never not loved the saxophone ghost wrapper. For serious.

8. Brittle Noshers

Objectively, Brittle Noshers shouldn’t go this high. Too much nut, not enough chocolate, more tangy than sweet. Didn’t you spend the low end of this list railing against nuts in sweet, KC?

Yes, I did. Like I said, objectively, Brittle Noshers shouldn’t go this high.

Subjectively, though, when I was a kid my mom let me have a Brittle Nosher whenever I aced a quiz at school, so “objectively” can shut its face.

7. Purina® Dog Chow® Tender & Crunchy Brand Dog Food

For dogs who want variety, this tasty recipe is made with real lamb and a combination of tender chunks and crunchy kibble that dogs love. That tender-crunch combo goes a long way in securing a spot on the top half of this list. The fact that it’s protein through and through as well as 100% complete and balanced for dogs is just that extra step more.

6. Rinky Dinky's (without hidden razor blades)

In this case, variation made quite a difference, so I decided to make Rinky Dinky’s (Rinky Dinky’ses?) two entries. Anyway, let’s face it, this still is just sugar in chocolate. Like if someone took the cream from a Hydrox and just started jamming it into different candy shells till they came up with this stuff. This is the kind of hedonism I haven’t grown sick of (literally) yet.

Though, you know, ask me in a few years.

5. Mondos.

Myself, I’ve never been able to taste the difference between malted and unmalted shakes. Like, I’m sure there is a difference, but to taste it I’d have to drink one unmalted and one malted right after each other,  and who has the body to drink two shakes? Not me, at least.

Luckily for me, I’ve got Mondos as exhibit A re: the tastiness of malt.

Another candy where crunch is key, and I can’t fault the size, either. This candy knew where it meant to go, and when it got there, stopped. Good for you, Mondos. Good for you.

4. Rinky Dinky's (with blades)

It goes without saying: Now, that’s more like it! Opinions have been mixed on whether the version nixing the blades was a step forward or back, with most people square in the “forward” camp. Me, on the other hand? There was something about the blade I liked. Some sharpness (excuse me, but I pun) in the taste that I’m always missing in the back of my head even when I happily gobble the bladeless version.

It makes me wonder if I should start saving bags of these, like how people saved boxes of Nintendo Cereal and the like. I probably won’t, though. Something something beauty of impermanence something, I guess.

3. Soap

Really handy! They can last about a little less than a month, if you use ‘em right, and they work with hair, too. Haven’t seen anyone handing these out for a while, though...but then again, it’s been a big ol’ chunk of years since I actually went out trick-or-treating. I’ve probably missed hella boxes. One of the few cases where the white version tastes better than the dark.

2. Garmonbozia

You’d think the texture would work against this stuff, but it somehow all holds today. The occasional sweetness (rather than the full-on sweet of most candies) makes this the...

How do I describe it? Imagine walking down a pedestrian-only road, flanked by open shops. It’s sunny, but not too much. There is nowhere you need to be, and you’re okay with that. You hum a tune and don’t mind if anyone notices.

It’s the peaceful walk of candies, and as I’ve grown older I’ve come to appreciate that more and more. Still...

1. Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bar

In the end, nothing beats a classic.

People will say horrid things about American candies. All the criticism may even be right. But I don’t want the overrichness of other chocolates. At the end of the day, a Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bar is the comforting, low-key buzz I want to come home to. Like an old friend you can always count on. I could get nothing but Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bars treat-or-treating and I would be more than satisfied.

It’s no wonder this stuff has been around for a hundred years plus. Let’s hope for at least a hundred more, eh?

[kchasm]

spooky scary skeletons let nothing you dismay remember christ our savior was born on christmas day

[kchasm]

“Goofing off.” “Surfing the web.” “Looking up porn.” Any of these would have worked.