i need to vent to someone but i know no one will want to talk to me right now, i cant talk to my family because they suck and dont know how to handle me atm, and if i post about it and no one interacts I'm still just sitting here alone panicking
and i dont want someone to take pity on me and feel like they HAVE to talk with me
i dont want to upset anyone
i just feel like everyone couldn't care less about me
i mean
my dad walked in the room after i had just had a panic attack and asked if i was okay, i said no, and he stood there, said "i love you" and left me alone again
"Ever since I came back from the clinic I have to force my form back. I am a poor copy of whom I once was. The expressions of my emotions come and go. My true self fades in and out. How can one miss misery. Why do I miss the blemishesthat littered me with so much agony?"
"My soul is no longer firm. Soon it will puddle, I will become bliss once more, before I remember who I really am. Misery, resentment, and I shall return to the embrace of Aminadab. For why should I turn my soul fair to forget all have endured."
what would the RFA + V and Saeran do if the Male!MC dealt with hypnagogic hallucinations + hallucinations caused by autophobia, and he was always wanting to be around his partner and just overall never wanting to be alone or sleep alone in fear of the visual/tactile/auditory[/etc] hallucinations?? sorry if this is too sensitive or anything; it's just that i have these types of hallucinations and im curious as to how everyone would help/react to them hng;;;'
hi boo! You’ve been in my inbox for a while partially bc ive been hella busy and also partially bc I wasnt sure how to write for this initially but I’ll give it a go! Hope you like it! :) sorry for the wait.
For those who don’t know:
hypoagogic: of or relating to the state immediately before falling asleep (similar to sleep paralysis)
autophobia: also called monophobia, isolophobia, or eremophobia, is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated. Sufferers need not be physically alone, but just to believe that they are being ignored or unloved.
I will tag trigger warnings for these (and I apologize if these definitions were incorrect or not what you meant!)
Zen: He has a little trouble with it at first because he’s constantly worried for you. I imagine that Zen’s after ending would be doubly effective for someone who suffers from autophobia; it ensures that you’re always on set working on his schedule or overseeing his acting, and keeps you from being alone for long periods of time. He probably insists that you two get a dog so that you have a companion when you have to be at home alone. Zen is very protective of you as his boyfriend and is so worried for you because of your hallucinations, and he’d definitely encourage you to take your meds (if you have them) and be very supportive of you. Also often plans out group activities aside from your Alone Time with other RFA members to make sure you feel surrounded and loved.
When you are trying to fall asleep, he’ll hold you close and help talk you through hallucinations if you start having them. He definitely sings a lullaby for you every night. Strokes your hair, rubs your back, shows as much physical affection as he can to try and ease you through it. Watches you for a while to make sure you’re really asleep because he can’t sleep peacefully until you are.
Constantly reassures you that he loves you through physical affection; kisses you a lot, holds your hand, smiles at you, compliments you, etc. You should have no doubt in your mind that this man is head over heels for you at every point of the day, no matter what. Even if you have doubts, he’ll reassure you gently but firmly that you are the best thing to happen to him.
Jaehee: Similarly, Jaehee’s after ending would be an ideal situation for you. Working at a coffee shop is busy work but it’s very rewarding because of all the social interaction you get. There are all different types of people you meet at a coffee shop! She’s always watching to make sure that if you start hallucinating, you get a break or two to recover. She’d also be sure you take your meds (if you take them). At first, she’s a bit overwhelmed because she doesn’t understand how hallucinations work, but she’s a quick learner and pours hours into researching and understanding your conditions to better accommodate you.
She doesn’t sleep much on average, but she makes sure that you have a regular and adequate sleep schedule (since lack of sleep can make hallucinations worse). She will give you massages or play with your hair, or do things that relax you to try and reduce your stress levels. If you let her, she’ll also try to make sure meals are balanced at home so that you are getting proper nutrition. She definitely watches you fall asleep before falling asleep herself. She’s the mom.com, except like, your girlfriend. Her boyfriend means the world to her and she will make sure you’re well taken care of.
She writes you little letters every day, even if you live together, about how much she appreciates you. If you like, you have a little correspondence this way, so that you don’t miss too much interaction together even on busy days. She likes kissing you in private, but she’ll hold your hand and rub your back or shoulders in public to reassure you. She loves you deeply and truly, and will not hesitate to remind you.
Yoosung: WhoAaAaAa this is way out of Yoosung’s league, but baby boy tries his best!!! He mostly tries to be Super Positive and reassure you that he’s here to support you, but he’s not sure how to do so. He probably needs you to tell him what to do first (i.e. ask him to hold you, or talk to him while you hallucinate to distract you from it, etc), but he gradually gets into the rhythm of helping you when you need it. He’s constantly by your side, even if you’re doing different activities - he’ll cuddle you while gaming, sit in the same room on his nintendo DS, study in the corner while you cook, etc, so you never feel alone. He sometimes forgets to take his meds but he makes more of an effort to remember both of yours & probably takes his at the same time to facilitate that.
It’s a smaller headcanon of mine, but i’d like to think that Yoosung has experienced sleep paralysis due to his crippling fear of being alone & grief over losing Rika. Whether he continuously does is one thing, but he definitely has in the past, so he totally understands. If he can tell it’s happening, he’ll try to shake you or break you from the trance. Even if you two stay up, he’ll try to make sure you get enough sleep and set alarm clocks for himself and you. He cares about his boyfriend so much and he wants you to be happy and feel safe and loved!
He’s a ray of sunshine honestly, he’ll shower you in compliments and give you big bear hugs. He’s shy about kisses at first but slowly grows comfortable with kissing you in public. Loves holding your hand or playing with your hair. He’ll end just about every conversation with “k, love you!” even if he’s just leaving the room for a bit. He takes every opportunity to remind you that he loves you, because he’s so excited to be in love with such an amazing man.
Jumin: He doesn’t understand how to deal with it at first, but similar to Jaehee, he researches a lot on the subject. He matches you with a doctor renowned in therapy and treatment for hallucination-prone patients in order to provide you with the best treatment. He makes sure you take your meds daily and calculates what the best sleeping schedule is for you based on your activities (and follows it rigorously). Jumin has a pretty busy schedule but he hates leaving you alone, so he makes sure you’re always with Elizabeth and even hires personal tutors for subjects you’re interested in (cooking lessons, dancing lessons, whatever you want) so you have company, and visits the penthouse for lunch and dinner. He looks into the viability of working from home, at least for half of his work, in order to better protect you, because he’s constantly worried for you at work.
It’s pretty canon that he likes to watch his boyfriend sleep, so he makes sure that you fall asleep peacefully wrapped in his arms before drifting off himself. His voice is 1000% soothing, and it is definitely useful in breaking you from trances or hallucinations (it’s like they melt away). He likes to rest his lips on your temple and feel your breath on his neck. Sleeping next to him is actually pretty stimulating so like good luck sleeping anyway
He also takes many opportunities to remind you that he loves you. He has 0 shame about it and will say it in front of anyone. I like to imagine that he also writes you little notes if he has to leave before you wake up. He loves giving gifts, so the notes are usually accompanied with a small gift, either as an apology or just because. I had to leave early this morning so I’ve left you something in the fridge, MC. Love you. It’s strawberry pancakes ready to be heated up. There’s a knock at your door- you open it and a little package is sitting on the floor: I was thinking about you today at the office, MC, and I couldn’t help myself. You deserve this for all the good you bring me. Love you. It’s a nice watch, or a new set of glasses, or a simple yet elegant ring, or whatever it is you appreciate, really.
Seven: He totally understands. Though all of the RFA members can mostly accommodate and accept you with ease, Seven is perhaps the most accepting and easiest transition. He takes some depression and anxiety medicine, so he definitely times his doses with you, like Yoosung does, so you both don’t forget. He’s not exactly poor, so in his own way, he matches you with a good doctor and has no problem covering the expenses to make sure you’re covered and well taken care of. Seven works from home for the most part anyway, so he’s constantly by your side, ready to swoop in and help if you start hallucinating. He likes keeping tabs on you regularly (he times it so it’s exactly every 20 minutes that he checks on you until his work is done- he has a pretty good internal clock and sense of time). He probably also gets you an animal companion - a cat or dog, wouldn’t matter. He is very good at being present all the time, if you need it.
He’s the type to throw his leg over yours and cling to you really closely when you sleep. You’re buried under his arms and his smell, which is honestly really relaxing. He pretends to sleep most of the time, but in reality, he’s listening to your breathing. If you tense up, he’ll notice immediately and cup your face in his hands, talking you through the hallucination. Occasionally he’ll sing you a lullaby (I have a hc that Seven can low-key sing pretty well), if you really want it.
Constantly jokes about how terrible he is for you and reassures you of his love for you while also shooting himself down. You probably have to talk about that early on. He is so enamored with you and marvels at the fact that you settled for someone like him. Constantly believes he doesn’t deserve his boyfriend. As he heals and grows, he’ll grow more confident in himself, but nonetheless, he is your #1 fan and will find many opportunities to remind you of that. Definitely has a shirt that says “MC’s #1 Fan” or “Property of MC”, and gets you an “I’m MC” shirt to match them
V: Similar to Seven, this shining beam of love is very capable of handling and accepting you right off the bad. He’s like an endless pool of positive energy. His hugs are the best, and so are his kisses, and everything else jesus, dude. He makes sure you make your doctors appointments and take your medicine in a timely way. Has a very easy job being your caretaker when you need him and giving you space when you need that. You probably live together very soon. As a photographer, he often goes out into the world to take photos, and he makes sure to take you with him. Seeing the beauty and wonder of nature is very soothing, plus spending a lot of alone time with V is heavenly. He smiles at you from under trees, blushes when he holds your hands in fields of flowers, stares at you lovingly as you stand in beautiful clearings and riverbeds. It’s a breath of fresh air, literally. He also likes to burn calming incense or candles at home, which are oddly effective, and (like I say in almost all my V hcs ghghgdsh) he’s a really good masseuse and has no problem giving you rly nice massages.
When you sleep together, he enjoys big spooning you. Also probably rubs your back or your chest to reassure you. If he feels you tensing up he’ll hold you tight and to his best to talk you through it if it helps. He’s a huge source of comfort in and of himself, especially his soft hands and his smell (V smells good constantly OK), so he is a very good presence to have.
He doesn’t so much as say it in words- V’s eyes are all you need to know you are loved. The looks he gives you are indescribable, yet so powerful. You feel his love seep from him in waves. He’s very good at non-verbal communication- when you’re feeling down about himself, he just seems to know, and he’ll place his hand on yours, and when you look up at him, he’ll have the most reassuring and loving look in his eyes. All you have to do is hug him and you instantly feel better. Even so, he constantly reminds you that he loves you verbally.
Saeran: oh boy this poor child is probably the least capable of handling it well at first. Saeran gets stressed out very easily, and he’s trying to recover some of his own shit. Regardless, he cares about you a lot, and doesn’t want you to feel bad about your illnesses. He doesn’t really know how to handle something he can’t shank for you, but he suggests ways for you to fight off the hallucinations. Cut off all their arms, blow them away with a big fan, beat the shit out of them with a bat - Lucid dreaming isnt the same Saeran thats actually hard to do and the opposite of what you’re dealing with - WHATEVER SORRY. You’re not really sure what…Saeran…even does? He’s always at home and by your side, whether you like it or not (you probably like it). Even if he’s pretending not to pay attention to you, he’s constantly watching you and is like a hovering bird ready to swoop to your side, lol.
He’s not touchy feely at first, so sleeping in bed with him is nice but not very physical starting out. As he grows though, he becomes more and more affectionate, though he won’t admit it. If he realizes you’re hallucinating, he’ll try to snap you out of it by shaking you and saying “Oi!” until you’re aware again. He mostly just holds you while you’re recovering, because words don’t come to him easily but actions do.
Saeran is very catty, so he may sarcastically make fun of you for a while. If you seem sensitive to this or don’t like it, though, he’ll probably begrudgingly become a little nicer to you bit by bit. He hates making you cry (finds that out pretty quickly) so he is very careful to avoid hurting your feelings. The second someone hurts you or insults you, his knife is lodged in their gut he’s ready to defend you. Compliments you with half-compliments like I hate you the least or You’re pretty not terrible. As you grow into your relationship, he’ll finally assent to simple ones like You’re beautiful or I cherish you. Loves you a lot and is super protective of his precious boyfrando.
