#tw cigs

[vanillakittie]

// ʜᴜꜱᴋʏ ᴍᴏᴏᴅʙᴏᴀʀᴅ - ɢʀᴇʏ //

Reqs open :)

[alw4ysc0ld2]

I need cigs, or a vape. Something fuck

[oceanicsloom-blog]

I’m Trying to Get Better

Today’s Tuesday. Last Thursday, I discovered that the person I’ve been in love with for over 3 years isn’t everything I thought he was. I felt like my world turned upside down, only 5 days ago. I didn’t let myself cry. I smoked my last cigarette that day.

But the day after, I found some vicodin stashed in the back of the medicine cabinet. It was old, nobody currently needed it. So I started taking them, knowing they can get you ‘high’. There were 6 total, and I took two each day. I had a really nice, relaxed high for a couple hours the first day. The second day, the high was so intense that I laid down and fell asleep, and when I woke up, the high was gone. The third day, this past Sunday (which was Mother’s Day), I took one to see if I’d get the same effect. I waited an hour or two and didn’t feel much, so I took the second one. That high was more like the first one, nice and chill. I felt nothing. Physically nor emotionally. It was really great, and if I could do it again, I would.

That being said, I know I should probably seek therapeutic help. And I just might, if I had insurance and could afford it. Unfortunately, I’m broke. The money I do have needs to go toward a new car (mine’s been totaled), and after that, I believe I need quite a few shots for school. And without insurance, they’ll be pretty costly.

Back to the point. Thursday was just an entirely weird day. I was beyond upset, I wanted to cry. I wanted to break down. I wanted to fall apart. But I had the last final of the term to take in a few hours. So I pushed it all aside and got ready for the exam. And I feel like I passed it with flying colors. I felt very proud of myself, and even after the exam was done, I didn’t fall apart. I still haven’t.

I don’t know how or why it turned my life around the way that it did, but I feel a little more in control of myself. I’m overweight, and my mom’s always been heavier than me for my entire life. However, she had weight loss surgery not too long ago, and she’s finally about the same weight as me. In a weird way, it kinda put things into perspective a little. I need to lose weight. So yesterday, when I was home alone for the first time in a while, I did a few situps and pushups, ran in place, did some stretches. I just felt like working my body a bit. I’m very unhappy with it.

I did 10 pushups (on my knees because 1, pushups are hard, and 2, i’m weak), 10 situps, went back for another 10 pushups, did 10 more situps, and then i started running in place and doing some stretches to try and cool my body down. I was extremely out of breath, but I felt good. Just proud of myself to get my body moving, ya know? Today, I added to that. I pushed myself to do a total of 30 pushups (still on my knees, I’ll work up to real pushups eventually), 30 situps, 20 squats, 10 lunges, and I actually ran around the inside of my house a few times. I think my legs are the most sore, but I feel it everywhere. And I’m proud of myself. My mom’s dropping weight without lifting a finger, due to her surgery. But I’ll drop weight by actually working for it.

My parents and I don’t have the best relationship. But I’m not trying to lose weight solely to spite my mom. I want to be a doctor someday, and I don’t want my patient’s looking at me and thinking “yeah, like I’d listen to a doctor that can’t even follow his own advice”. I want to be in shape and healthy, not just for me, but for my future patients. Maybe I can inspire them, or even a stranger, to get better.

I’m trying to get better.

[traumaticenby]

[grunge-me-up]

Need to go and buy cigarettes this afternoon bc I'm smoking way too much, and my bf didn't get me any when he bought his.. (he's not supposed to, but it makes it easier for me bc I don't have to leave the house at all)

Hate the way I look today, and it's so hot outside again... just being outside for 5 mins won't kill me, but ughhhhhh, no....

[sweet-like-saccharine]

[cousinthrockmorton]

two songs into the adele album and i’m going outside to smoke a cig

[fagunt]

IM FINALLY CONNECTED TO THA NET AT ME HOUSE SO IM GUN MAKE BIG POST TO EXPLAIN THE LAST MONTH BUT HI