#tw ramble

[ellaimagines]

So this is going to be personal and gloomy so if you're not in a good or even just neutral state of mind, it may be better for you to scroll past this

We got some court papers today about a case from the bank where we're fighting for the right to keep my grandma's home, my home and my grandma's business. The loan taken initially was paid without fail for 13 years and then we couldn't pay it anymore for different reasons, then the bank said we owed them literally 100 times the original amount lent. It's been a legal push and pull for most of my life. The legal system is so slow and ineffective here that, for two or three years, we didn't hear anything. I stressed over it, of course, a looming threat always ready to resurface but everyday had new fires that needed to be controlled and I was lulled into some security. At least I had a home. At least I had the memories of better times, even when we had to sell the furniture and unable to give it the maintenance needed. At least it was still my home. And now, it might not.

I don't know what I'm going to do and I don't know why I'm even writing this. Yesterday, my life was fine. Not great but fine. Now I'm forced to think of what my life might be without a roof to be under. To see my house or my grandma's house owned by other people would break my heart. I grew up here. I wanted to grow up and earn enough money to fix it up and be proud of it again, like when I was a child. I might not even have hope for that dream ever coming true.

The court documents are not evicting us but they're a big step in favor of the bank. I'm so tired and afraid. We don't have a support system or community to help, at least I don't, because all my energy goes into work and having enough to survive and now I might not even be able to do that.

I don't want to lose my home. I really don't. My grandma died here, it has her essence, it has her memories, my memories.

Everywhere I look for comfort, I'm told I'm somehow to blame for this. I don't have a wealthy lifestyle because I don't take action, I don't buy the course that promises to profit incredibly fast, I don't have the all positive mindset for manifestations to come through. I am so tired.

Yesterday I wanted to, someday, travel the world, meet new people and cultures. Today I just want to sleep safely in the knowledge that no one will take my home from me in a few days, weeks or months. That it's mine.

I find myself begging the universe, begging anything that's listening out there to please help me, to not let me lose my life like this. I feel pathetic for it, because it's just money and not war like in other parts of the world. Why would my pleas be heard over theirs?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't know how to end it either. I'm ashamed I'm even considering posting this but good lord, all day I've been avoiding these feelings and now they're just crashing down on me and I can't do anything about it. I'm overthinking and driving myself crazy and I thought that writing or making a post may bring some clarity, may make my mind focus on just one thing but it's not working.

I'm sorry you had to read this and that I've soured your day/night. You don't have to comment anything, or like it, or acknowledge it. I just needed to make it, needed it to be out there.

I hope one day I can look at this post and know that things turned out alright. That I didn't lose my home and a miracle somehow happened. I have so little hope and it hurts. I know I'm not owed anything but it feels so wrong to be feeling like this when I'm only 25.

[gamesperger]

Not to sound like a grumpy old sod but I don’t really like it when some older songs resurface. You might say that it brings more attention to the song but the downside is that it might get a cover/remix/whatever which then gets even more popular than the original, meaning that the chances of you actually hearing the original decline. As an example, the original “I’m Blue”, it’s a great song about blue aliens living in a blue world, but now there’s that cover of it about someone having the best night of their life. And unfortunately the latter has become popular to the point that’s it’s nigh impossible to hear the original out in the wild, and whenever you do think the original is playing you just end up being disappointed that it the cover that plays instead. I wanna hear a song about being blue aliens, not some random person having the best time of their life.

[rowanintheriver]

(rant up ahead btw)

is it just me whose parents hit less as you grow older? but also for increasingly weird reasons?

like when i was small, i was pretty much smacked relatively a lot more lmao. and now its like. only twice in the past 5 months. but a lot more threats. just less action. 

so like? how do i know when to take them seriously anymore?

parents are fucking confusing.

[unfinishedjulyrainarchive]

☆ I really want to get some interactions going and I'm happy about the few that send me things and liked my current sc (and just generally are loyal souls!!) but I'm back at the point where I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I'm approaching people, I'm reblogging memes and more frequently again not just shippy ones yet still only a small number of people is liking my things or responding while others just need to lift a finger. I am absolutely grateful to the few that engage in threads and alike with me!!! Don't think I am not appreciating that;-; I do and you're gems. But then I just don't want people to think I'm closed off because I focus on that number of people. I try my best and if that isn't appealing to the public then there's nothing more I can do. It's just discouraging, I want this to stay a hobby I can do without any negative feelings.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Titktok lesbian: never thought I’d be 20 and dating the love of my life ✌️

Me, happy for them but also 21 tomorrow and a completely lonely sod who has nothing to her name and will never find love : 👍😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

[bigtiddiegangwrite]

– have you ever felt lost?

I couldn’t sleep last night, and that’s when the thoughts came. I know, worst hour to pay attention to the brain, who is filled with anxiety and those 12 am feelings. But I have no idea who I am or where I’m going? I’ve felt like I’ve lost myself, a while ago, I didn’t want to accept it but here I am. I feel like a fraud, fake... like that scene in click where he’s in auto pilot. I’m just... there. Sure, I feel happy, sad, angry at times but... there’s no last goal, there’s no ‘this is it’ moment, I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I’m not a good friend, a good sister, a good girlfriend (or whatever that relationship is...), a good worker, I feel... temporary. Like that pint of ice cream or that movie that you go to when you feel down, you know it’s always there and won’t move. 

How do you find yourself again? I can’t even go grocery shopping alone because I feel out of it, like i’m watching my life pass by, like tree #5 in a play. Is it normal? To feel like you’re just sleeping? I feel out of reality, like... I don’t... it’s hard explaining it in English or Spanish. Is it depression? Is it my anxiety? Am I watching too many movies and reading too many books that I’m waiting for “a sign”? I know I’m happy writing, and yet I feel bad because I haven’t answered to so many people and the cycle starts all over again. I want to be alone and surrounded by people, I want to be me again!

And, of course, nobody knows. My family is a mess, and my dad wouldn’t understand. I don’t know if m psychologist would. I hate routines and yet, I’m stuck in one and terrified of leaving it. The worst part is, I don’t know when I lost myself? I don’t know when I changed so much that I disappeared, and nobody notices! 

Honestly, how do you even lose yourself?!

[ofaeriefaith]

Tbh I’ve lived an insane fucking life these past 3 years. Ramblings of what I’ve survived is down below.

I remember I was living in these horrible ass apartments with my “best friends” who were actually super manipulative and toxic. I was homeless back then, crashing in the living room. These apartments were one bedroom little shoeboxes that were built on top of a couple businesses. The stairs were lethal in the winter bc they were wooden and ugh and it was dark.

Anyway, I became homeless between July 2023 to roughly September 2023. My “friends” were pals with this lesbian couple. One of the girls were named Bree. And she was *beautiful* okay. But being as I was with my husband, and she had a girlfriend, nothing happened.

Well. On my end at least. Bree fancied me a lot, somehow. We hung out one night, my “friends” and Bree and me.

Prior to meeting Bree in person, we all Facetime'd. and Bree lit up when she saw my face, like, a lot. said she was happy to finally meet me, that seeing me made her day better.

Bree goes home, then realizes her “medicine” (weed pen) wasn’t in her pocket.

She bursts into the apartment, screaming her head off. She’d just taken a Xanax and maybe other stuff, but she was off the deep end. She’s accusing my “friends” of theft.

I, somehow, diffuse the situation and we started looking through the couch cushions. I tell her we can’t find it. She believes me.

But she doesn’t believe them. She’s threatening to call the cops, to fight them.

I follow her to her apartment to help her retrace her steps and she’s freaking out. So… I do what I do when my husband gets overwhelmed. I held her head between my hands, making circles with the meat of my thumbs on her cheeks. She relaxes and says she likes me, that she trusts me, that I shouldn’t trust my friends because they’re liars and they’re bad.

Eventually, she goes to bed for the night. I’d helped her destroy her room looking for it, and she gives me something she crocheted. It was a mushroom necklace that could hold a pen.

Tomorrow comes and she’s knocking on our door, sheepish. The pen fell from her pocket — and somehow landed, perfectly, between the cracks of the pavement below. It stood upright, not broken.

She and I hang out a couple more times. She’s sweet with me, always complimenting me or trying to get close to me. I moved and never spoke to her again. Saw her on Tinder, too, and jokingly swiped right and --- we matched. I quickly unmatched out of fear lol ( my husband and I have opened the relationship for me to explore being with other feminine folk ).

anyways. rant over.

What the fuck even is my life.

And how the fuck am I alive.

[dcstinyscdgc]

Feelings are a weird thing to have because it's never really about the other person sometimes, sometimes you just feel bad or wrong for having particular feelings and trying to sort through them is hard because the fear of ever approaching a person to talk about it because you don't want them to feel bad or have it come across as you blaming them for something when you're not