Helpless - 3/3 - TW: for discussions of suicide/sh
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Helpless - 3/3 - TW: for discussions of suicide/sh
Are alter introductions still considered cringe?
Does it really matter too much?
Idfk anymore
I'm having a medium rare identity crisis and on the border of fucking breaking down
Amongst the urge to do other stuff
Fuck my life
AAAAAAAAAAA
sighhhhh
i sort of wish it was like 2021 except I had no school but my own space or a space that was paid for and I was just living the same day over and over the days blurring together and oh I don’t even know what day it is! can time stay stuck in an endless loop eternally?
i can’t sleep…i haven’t been unable to sleep this long in a while. i haven’t no clue why because I’ve been sleeping fairly ok the past like month…
ill write some fanfictions this weekend if i get time, and get back on my japanese i suppose…i should probably go try to sleep and stop looking at my phone. a thousand lashes would be nice
See tagged tws
tw: psychiatric hospital/emergency experiences and brainstorming how to do better
not from me, but from a friend—which is why I think I have the space from it to think of the what-ifs, the what if we made something better. what if we used recent neuroscience and design an experience that cultivates autonomy and a feeling of safety. I know things are fucked right now just about everywhere and please don’t hear me downplay that, but I do also think we’ve got all the science. we’ve got all the ingredients to make something better happen.
brains are like climate right? And I know what it’s like to be dysregulated. I’ve got several different possible explanations for when it happens, and likely it’s a combination of multiple things cumulating. Like carbon dioxide, water vapour, methane, nitrous oxide, and CFCs in the atmosphere. I know I’m a danger to myself just a little bit and I have learned how to compromise for myself and minimise that. I know can’t be touched or it’ll tip me over. I’m lucky enough to be able to look after myself in this time. It’s taken a lot of work to get where I am. I’m lucky enough to have not gone through what from nearly everyone I’ve talked to is a traumatising experience for themselves and those who love them. And I’m grateful especially because autonomy is a major trigger of mine. I need it to feel safe more than I need anything else. And not everyone is as extreme as me, but it’s a fact that autonomy makes people in general feel safe, valued, capable. Even neurotypicals. Especially trauma survivors (for the most part at least).
it’d be interesting to create an environment that prioritises and facilities the feeling of autonomy and safety and empowerment. It’s interesting because my professional field is miles away from that and yet when it comes to designing equity into cities this underpins every part of that work. And i honestly think I could train people in this new paradigm. It’d be interesting to see the differences in treatment outcomes. Just to have someone there who is understanding makes all the difference. Surely. We’re a society starved for empathetic witness. What place needs it more? So let’s create it and make it a priority.
Vent post yay
I‘m feeling a really weird mix of emotions rn. I had a really nice day; made it to class and back feeling good and didn’t have a panic attack out in the city, managed to buy some makeup and tried it out, it turned out great, I was really happy and even managed to do a live stream. A while ago I accidentally cut back too much on my diet and I accidentally triggered my body‘s starvation reaction (I think I‘m not really clear how that works) but I‘m back to a healthier diet with sufficient calories and eating well, even felt pretty good about my waist looking in the mirror today. All in all it should be an amazing day for me.
But it’s not. I‘m in bed knowing I should be asleep because I have a class in exactly nine hours but I‘m so overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have a ton to do. I need to make an appt with my uni counsellor that I‘ve been dreading for literally a year, one with my doctor who I‘ve been unable to reach and I have appts with my therapist three hours away and then with my dentist two hours away in the coming weeks. I have a presentation due on Thursday in a week on a topic I know nothing about in a style I‘ve never held before, I have to go home to my mum for the weekend on Friday because Saturday is her birthday which I still need to get a cake for, then we also have to travel to tend to my dad’s grave and I just want some time to write my shitty trashy poems and dnd campaigns that nobody will ever play because all my friends are too busy having their life together. I almost fell back into sh habits but remembered how much I regretted it and luckily my tiktok fyp shoved a video of someone markering themselves instead in my face so I just drew some hearts all over my arm with eyeliner and a realistic one on my torso as well as I could. I don’t think it actually satisfied the urge but it got close enough to stall until I snapped out. It’s never been much of an issue for me so I wouldn’t take this to mean any guarantee of it working, but it did for me so that’s nice. Honestly I really want to take a mental health day of absence but it’s also the class I‘ll have to present in so I hope I can learn sth from it. I‘m immensely frustrated and stressed rn but there’s really nothing I can do about it.