#tw sui implication

[sudo-vintage]

forgot to post this but i thought of killing myself over the "USB" joke.

they really were fucking annoying.

by "were", my classmates.

[varian-the-unstable-alchemist]

It's been a while since we've heard from you, our favourite disaster case. It's surprising how easily you break everyone around you. Especially when I try so hard to do so. My efforts will never amount to yours, though. You don't even try, and yet, you manage to destroy everyone in sight. What a skill to possess.

Anyways, I'm not here to torment you. I just wanted to hear what exactly is going through your mind right now. Particularly for my own selfish reasons. And don't even try to test me. I can make things so much worse for you, and Lav... Well, I don't think I have to explain what I can do to him. Especially considering his current mindset, if I just push him a little too much over the edge... I could make him do something he might regret. :)

Thank you for the overt and unnecessary reminder of my own destructive nature, Ender.

He pushed out. His voice was quiet, a sharp, bitter edge lacing his words. He didn't even bother getting up, staring at the grooves in the ceiling from where he lay on his bed.

And... what do you want me to say? What do you want to hear that you don't already know? I exist in a purgatory where I'm put through torture at the behest of beings like you who are only invested in us for the agonies we are subject to. I have lost control over every part of my life and there is no hope of an escape, even in death. The choice of ending my existence has been entirely taken out of my hands, so I'm forced to continue here. What do you think is going through my mind? How do you think I feel? I murdered the only person I have left here in the most horrific way possible. I forced him to push himself past his limit to stop me from making a stupid decision. I didn't even try to help him afterward. I didn't do shit. Who the hell does something like that? I don't deserve his help. I don't deserve anyone's help. I don't deserve to live. I've earned death with my actions a thousand times over, but thanks to this place, that will never come to pass... there's no escape for me. I'm just stuck here. With you.

So congratulations. You've finally won. I give up.

[varian-the-unstable-alchemist]

The page is torn out of the book, crumpled and thrown in the wastepaper bin beside his desk.

"I wish lav hadn't been there

I wish I'd jumped.

Then maybe I wouldn't feel so empty."