Name: Whatever These Things Are
Debut: Mario
Look, we’re no strangers to the Mario universe. We’ve spent hours of our lives stomping............. Koopas! But Nintendo, well... Nintendo just came out with this new enemy, and I don’t know guys. I think this honestly might just be the weirdest Mario enemy we’ve looked at.
I mean, let’s start with the obvious here. It’s trying to be some sort of turtle, right? But talk about uncanny valley! I mean, need I remind you what a real turtle looks like?
And this is what Nintendo is trying to pass off as a “turtle”:
Um... yeah. You don’t need to be Sherlock freaking Holmes to realise something WEIRD is going on here. That thing is bright yellow, and its shell is covered in SPIKES! Imagine having your morning coffee and going to step on a turtle, only for it to stab you through your feet! Talk about nightmare fuel! I didn’t want to sleep tonight anyway.
And have you noticed something about its face? That’s right: it doesn’t even have a mouth. Now THAT’S nightmare fuel. Thanks Nintendo. I didn’t wanna sleep tonight anyway!
But it gets even weirder. I was looking at a picture of Lakitu, right? Obviously Lakitu is extremely normal. I saw three Lakitus today on the way to work. But you’ll never believe what he was holding in his hand:
That’s right, like these things weren’t bad enough, they can also be BALLS. So...... that’s a thing! You’ve got to be a total weirdo, I mean just a complete freak of nature, to become totally spherical like that. According to some games, these things might even be their EGGS. I mean, did no one at Nintendo do their freaking research about turtles? It’s insane!
Guys, I gotta be real with you for a sec. I’m actually really scared. What kind of twisted mind would come up with something like this? And if they can put these sorts of ideas out into the world, what else could they be capable of? It’s chilling to think of what the human mind can do. It might be seriously dangerous of me to even post this, but I had to spread awareness in any way I could.
Please. Stay safe out there. You never know what kinds of freaks are out there in the world.
