A/N: Hey friends! It’s me again! So, I want to preface this one with MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS which will be posted just below this paragraph. This fic is about a car accident. Specifically, it is (roughly) the story of the accident I was in not too long ago. I’ve changed a few things to fit the characters and tried to fill in details that I don’t remember, but I was told about later. This is a coping fic; I won’t be offended if you don’t want to read it. However, as always, thanks so much to my amazing, wonderful, and super duper nice beta @ironwoman359 for everything she does and in general being a really cool person, and to my two best friends in the whole world @bleustatic and @radioactivecitylights for being with me through everything.
Trigger warnings for: Car Accident, panic attack, hospitals, medical talk, shock, trauma, minor injury, rude/uncaring hospital staff, talk if chronic medical conditions. If you would like me to tag anything else on this, Please PLEASE let me know. Thanks for reading! I love you all!
There was rain falling on his head, dripping onto his glasses, and making it harder to see.
“You’re going into shock, sweetheart.”
He was shaking all over. His ear was still ringing, and it hurt so badly.
“Can you tell me your name?”
He was trying to just remember how to breathe.
“I’m sorry.” He responded. “I didn’t see him.”
“It’s ok.” There was a woman sitting next to him. She had told him she was a nurse, but he couldn’t remember her name. “Accidents happen. That’s why it’s called a car accident. What’s your name, sweetheart?”
An umbrella was suddenly above him. He must have missed the other woman with him leaving to get it. Patton could hear sirens in the distance.
He hadn’t even seen the other driver. He had stopped and looked both ways. He had never seen him.
Patton could remember looking out the window as he turned, and the panic of realizing there was another car hurtling towards him in the rain. He could remember his foot pressing the gas as hard as he could, hoping in that split second for a miracle.
Patton could remember the split second in between, when he gripped the steering wheel as hard as he could and tucked his head down just slightly, not even consciously, as his car was sent spinning and finally landing.
Patton could remember the seconds after, dimly thinking that he had never known there was an airbag above his window, and that the one in the steering wheel hadn’t gone off. That his car was talking to him. That his left ear was burning, and ringing, and it felt like a gunshot had gone off right next to his face.
Patton could remember jumping out of his car and running over to the other driver, the only thing he could manage to say was to ask if he was ok. The other driver wouldn’t even talk to him.
Now he was sitting on the curb of a parking lot just off the road. There was a woman who apparently was a nurse talking to him. He was going into shock. He couldn’t stop crying.
“Could … could one of you please get the lamb from my car?” he asked quietly. He felt stupid as it came out of his mouth. An air freshener that doubled as a stuffed animal that Roman had bought him for some reason he couldn’t remember. He needed something in his hands. Maybe it would keep his brain and body from falling apart.
Logan was still at work, and wouldn’t be home for at least another hour. But Logan would know what to do. What to say. Virgil was halfway across town. Roman was somewhere for an audition, and Patton was kicking himself for not being able to remember where.
“I need to call my housemate.” Patton told the nurse, as the stuffie-lamb was passed into his hands. At some point he had taken off his glasses, trying to keep them from getting more speckled with rain. He kept the lamb in one hand and wiggled his cell phone from his pocket with the other. His hands were shaking as he tried to dial, even using speed dial was difficult.
“Hello? Patton?” Logan’s voice started Patton’s crying again in full force.
“Logan I was just in a car accident.” The words rushed out of his mouth, pinched with his crying. “I didn’t even see the other driver. Oh my god. I don’t know what to do.”
“Patton you have to breathe. Are you alright?” Logan asked. His voice was tight, and he spoke quickly.
“My ear hurts. And my shoulder.” Patton felt like he was fixating on his ear. He had only just stopped holding onto it, in the same way a child holds onto a paper cut or a pained wrist.
“Did you speak with the other driver? Did you get his information?”
“No, I…” Patton didn’t know what to say. The other driver wouldn’t even talk to him, and kept loudly proclaiming that his back ‘kinda hurt, a little.’ Patton could hear sirens getting louder. “I don’t really know what happened. I didn’t see him. I was turning and I was fully stopped and I looked both ways twice and I swear I didn’t see him.”
“Patton, please, you need to try to breathe. Have the police gotten there? Are you still in the road?”
“No, they’re not here yet but I can hear them. There’s some ladies here with me.” Patton said. He gave the lamb another squeeze. The woman holding the umbrella was speaking with the other driver now, and taking down notes for Patton. When had that happened?
“That’s good. May I speak with one of them?”
Patton nodded in response. It wouldn’t occur to him until later that Logan couldn’t actually see him doing that. He pulled the phone just slightly away from his good ear. The left one had stopped ringing but still stung pretty badly.
“My housemate wants to talk to you. Is that ok?” Patton asked the nurse quietly. She smiled gently at him and gave an affirmative, and Patton passed over the phone.
As soon as the phone was out of his hand, there were too many people talking to him. There was a man he was fairly sure was a firefighter trying to ask him questions, and someone he hadn’t yet spoken with trying to interpret all of his answers to the fireman as answers to her, and other people making noise and the sounds of cars slowly being allowed to pass and it was all far too much.
He snapped, “Please there’s too many people and I can’t think!”
The fireman took that as an attack on him, and made a face and dismissive motion, and then Patton was tripping over himself to apologize. The nurse handed back the phone and smiled again.
“It’s alright, sweetheart; it’s ok to be overwhelmed.”
“Patton?” Logan’s voice sounded again on the phone. “I’m on my way home right now. Can you have them take you to Mercy Hospital when the ambulance arrives? I will meet you there as soon as I can. I will also call Virgil and Roman. Do you want me to stay with you on the phone?”
“No.” Patton said. His phone made a mid-call beep to tell him that someone was trying to get ahold of him. “I think someone else is trying to call.”
“Alright. It’s going to be ok, Patton. The important thing is that everyone is conscious and speaking. No one was seriously injured. I’m going to hang up now. I’ll see you soon. I love you.”
Logan never said that unless something was wrong. If nothing was wrong, why had an ambulance been called? He hung up with Logan and was immediately greeted with a call from Virgil. “H-Hey, Virge.” He tried, but couldn’t help the shake in his voice.
“Pat? Patton are you ok? I got a text from Logan like twenty minutes ago that you were in a car accident?? Are you ok?” Virgil was almost as upset as Patton was. At least, he sounded that way. But Virgil was also prone to over-panicking, especially concerning his housemates. They often felt as though they were all each other had, and Virgil felt that loneliness the most keenly of the four.
“I’m scared.” Patton responded honestly. “I’m scared and I’m upset and I wish I had just gone home.”
“Don’t.” Virgil started. “You can’t do that, remember? You can’t stick on the what-if’s. If I can’t, you can’t.”
“I know that. But it’s hard.” Patton heard more sirens. The ambulance this time. He was thinking about the costs and insurance and his car and everything else their house of four was splitting between them that was now going to be significantly strained. “I think the ambulance is here. I have to go.”
“Ok, Pat. I’ll see you there.” Virgil’s voice was soft. The ambulance had arrived and Patton was being escorted onto it. He felt like he was running out of time. He had never been on an ambulance before. He toyed with the plastic clip on the lamb in his free hand.
“You’d better drive safe, mister.” It was automatic. Patton had always worried about his friends, his family, and always told them to drive safe. It was out of his mouth well before the irony of the statement registered with him. Virgil chuckled, and it was a little watery.
“I will. Always.” And with that he hung up. Patton was loaded into the ambulance. The person sitting in the back with him strapped him onto a rolling bed and looked miffed when Patton responded to the question of whether he needed anything with a request to retrieve his nearly-forgotten dinner. The rest of the ride was filled with only the noise of both medic’s radios reporting in and out and making noises that Patton couldn’t really make out.
As the ambulance drove on, Patton was hyper-aware of every bump and crack and tumble that passed under the wheels. His face was sticky and his nose was stuffed and he rubbed his thumbs along the soft fur of the lamb now clutched in both of his hands. He felt terribly unsafe as the ambulance made a wide turn onto the highway and his rolling bed rolled widely to one side before the medic caught the bed and held it in place. All at once the trip to the hospital was achingly long and passed in a blur. The what-if’s of his evening clogged his brain. His ear had finally stopped hurting.
The ambulance finally stopped at the emergency entrance, and he was being unloaded. His glasses were sitting in his lap with his phone, but when the doors opened he could still see someone just outside. Someone in loose black yoga pants and a red top, someone who had clearly been doing something entirely different just a half hour ago. Patton started to tear up again.
“Is that your brother?” the medic asked. Patton felt stupid and small all over again, and couldn’t even understand why.
“No, he’s my housemate. But he might as well be my brother.”
The medic didn’t respond, but Roman walked over to the bed, and once again, Patton was told to breathe. Roman walked alongside the bed as it was pushed in through the maze of hallways and doors.
“Lean back, Padre. Relax. You’re ok.” He said. Patton hadn’t even realized he was forcing himself to lean up. He let his shoulders and head lay back against the slightly inclined bed and watched the ceiling as it passed above him. People were talking. Probably talking to him. But as he tried to lean up again, he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, closer to his collarbone than the forming bruise and strained muscles. “Easy. Just lay back, ok? You’re ok. Logan and Virgil will be here in just a few minutes.”
Patton tried to lay back again. He fiddled with the lamb. He was pulled into a hospital room and the bed was lowered, and he had to sit up to move off the ambulance’s bed and onto the hospital’s bed. There were too many beds, quite frankly, and not a single one of them comfortable.
The hospital’s bed, at least, was inclined better, so he felt like he was sitting up and could see everyone. Roman sat in one of the chairs next to him, politely smiling at the nurses, while they worked to confirm Patton’s name, date of birth, etc. Patton was given a plastic bracelet with a barcode and finally they left.
Finally, Patton was alone.
He couldn't help himself, he started crying again, and Roman moved to the bed and took Patton carefully in his arms for a hug. It was awkward, but it helped and Patton finally started to feel grounded.
And, of course, Roman’s phone began buzzing in his pocket right then. “Ah, the others are here. I’ll be right back to show them in, ok?”
Patton almost didn’t want to let him go, but he watched as Roman left and fiddled with the lamb and wormed his own cell phone back into his pocket, and then wormed his wallet out to give a passing nurse his insurance hard.
Logan all but stormed into the room, taking up a spot close to Patton’s feet after giving him a one-armed hug, bumping his left shoulder on accident. Roman came in after with Virgil not far behind. Virgil’s face was pinched, his upper lip curled slightly as he looked up and forced himself to breathe through his nose.
He’s scared. He’s been scared. It’s starting to hit all four of them.
Roman pulled him aside slightly; not out of the room, but away from his first position just a few inches from the foot of Patton’s bed. Roman took Virgil by the shoulders and looked into his eyes.
“Look. He’s fine. He’s fine, and he’s awake, and he’s talking. He’s gonna be ok. We’re all gonna be ok, Virge.”
Virgil swallowed hard and moved over to Patton’s right side, and stood there for a minute. He leaned over and gently pressed his forehead against Patton’s. It was affectionate and gentle, and Patton reached up with his good arm and wrapped it around Virgil’s shoulders to pull him closer, because they were both still scared out of their minds. But they could finally start to relax.
The four spent the next three hours in the hospital just waiting. Patton’s request to use the restroom was met favorably. His request to eat his dinner was met with an angry nurse loudly and rudely reminding him that he is in a hospital and was in a car accident and ‘if you’re only worried about eating right now then you shouldn’t have come to the hospital in the first place.’
Patton tried not to cry again as he explained that he hadn't had anything since early this morning, and his medical record did show a condition induced by stress and low blood sugar, and he didn't want to faint on top of everything else. The nurse left in a huff. The doctor came in to ask if he wanted anything to eat or drink. The doctor returned with apple juice, just in case.
Virgil was the only one who remained standing through everything. Maybe he just couldn't make himself sit. Patton was sure that, if their positions were reversed, he would have done the same thing. Roman sat in a chair to his left. Logan was sitting in a chair at his feet, and right next to the door. Patton could feel himself starting to relax as the fear wore off and he continued to be surrounded by his family.
Roman had to tell him, gently, to stop obsessing on what-if’s and maybes, saying that they would only eat him alive in the end. Roman was right, of course, but Patton couldn't stop. He didn't want to be there, in that moment. He wanted to be at home, talking about his day at work, and looking forward to tomorrow, and listening to the others talk about whatever they did today, and seeing their happy faces.
Instead, everyone’s faces are pinched, and the room is largely silent.
They sat in the hospital for three hours and finally, the doctor came in with papers. One for insurance. One for the bill for their copay. One for work tomorrow, in case he wakes up and doesn’t want to go in. (His boss had already called, frantically, and told him that he would ‘not be coming in tomorrow for any reason because you need to rest.’) There are other papers, but Logan took them all, likely to keep Patton from worrying.
Someone offered Patton a wheelchair for his walk out to the main exit where Roman’s car was. Roman would be the one driving him home, and then the duty of rides to and from work and other places would be split. Patton declined the wheelchair. There were other people who probably needed it a lot more than he would. Still, Virgil took his good arm and carefully walked alongside Patton all the way to Roman’s car, and didn't let go until Patton was seated in the driver’s seat. Virgil pressed his forehead against Patton’s again, and Patton gave him a little kiss on his nose.
“I’ll see you at home, kiddo.” He couldn't say ‘drive safe’ again. He didn't know why he couldn't.
Logan comes over next, and gave Patton another gentle hug, carefully wrapping his right arm under Patton’s left to avoid the bruising. He said nothing, but that was ok. Logan’s eyes gave the impression that his brain was running a marathon. The hug said everything that needed to be said.
Roman got into the driver’s seat as Logan and Virgil went to find their own cars and head home. Patton pulled the seatbelt across his chest as Roman started the car, already buckled in. Patton looked out the window the entire time. Roman had turned the radio off. The drive was silent save for the sounds of the road.
Patton could feel the car move. The road was familiar; the one he took nearly every day to work, and back-and-forth from the craft store, and some old friend’s houses, and in general when he would drive. He’s never noticed all the cracks and bumps under the wheel before. He’s never noticed the noises that the tires make against the asphalt. He’s never noticed anything other than the cars around him as he drives, and the path ahead that he has come to know like the back of his hand.
In that moment, however, those were the only things he could focus on; the cracks and the potholes and the bumps. Every turn picked up the pace of his breathing, just for a moment. Every car that passed on the two-lane road was the sole object of his focus until it was past once again. The road was dark in the evening light, and the blinding headlights of other cars were, mercifully, few and far between.
He’s never had trouble driving before. Now he sat wondering how long it would be before he had that comfort back.
They arrived home in the blink of an eye; Logan and Virgil already there. Patton walked upstairs to his bedroom almost like a zombie. He dressed for bed, and took his medicine, and laid his glasses on his nightstand mechanically. He had carried the lamb up all the way to his room, and now it sat there on his desk. He went over to grab it and laid back down, holding it tightly.
Patton cried himself to sleep, confused and scared and exhausted.
He never saw the other driver.
He should have gone straight home from work.
