#tw:ed

[bulbtree]

𝕒 𝕤𝕜𝕖𝕥𝕔𝕙 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟

[sleepiest-boy]

life lately

[emilieautumnarchives]

Stark Raving Sane: Biscuits

Posted: June 29, 2023 Archived from EAOnline

Biscuits: Mixed Media - Digital and Acrylic Paint, Audio, Scent [mod note: image cropped due to tw:ed concerns, see full version below the cut]

Dearest Inmates,

I shared Biscuits a few days ago on the old IG (did it, sharing art/music/other secret artistic projects because anything more seedy will be placed here alone, but I do have a trick: I never post from my phone, but from the very large screen computer that I use for recording, because I usually don’t know where my phone is, but really because then I don’t lose my wide vision of reality and goodness and truth and compress my focus into a tiny little screen which makes me spiritually nauseous—I highly recommend this).

I shared Biscuits, which was begun whilst we were traveling to location scout recently (this is why starting projects on an iPad before going to physical is so bloody nice), but I hadn’t been ready to say anything about her or what she might represent.

I think I might be now, or I may (probably will) delete this post in five minutes.

Biscuits has no tits and neither do I at present. I’ve lost them, along with my arse, and most of my muscle mass, because that’s what happens when you’ve got an auto-immune issue and it hurts to eat because your body is attacking itself. (I never say auto-immune “disease” because it’s an ugly brown and I don’t like the way the “s” that is really a “z” feels in my mouth, and it also sounds unnecessarily dramatic and that embarrasses me). I prefer not to talk about this. With anyone. I will fix it. I am fixing it. And I will be able to sing and dance. And that is all.

Biscuits has all the trappings of femininity, except for her actual body, which is clearly missing a few things, and that’s how I feel. A woman but not. And it doesn’t make me sad, but it makes me curious, because there is something beautiful in each layer of identity that is peeled off, or flakes away on its own without anybody’s doing, as we go down this path of life. I suppose what I’m really settling into is that I am not my tits, nor my womanhood, nor my ability to fit into my fabulous pink wardrobe, but am rather just me. I have not changed, because the “I” that is “I” can never be anything other than what it is. But I could do with a few more calories.

Biscuits needs a biscuit. Biscuits needs a few. I hope someone gives them to her.

To see more of her, tap away:

BISCUITS - FINE ART GICLEE PRINT [mod note: yes, EA has this linking to "Vampire's Daughter" instead of "Biscuits."]

I’m going to go try and digest some keto ice cream. It’s salted caramel. May you do the same, dear friends.

[fandomfoodiedancer]

Silent Tears

Summary: Eliot sees your break down and helps you through it.

Warning: self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, all round depression and sadness.

a/n: this is dark, hits a bit close to home, but it’s good to vent and I hope others can find comfort in this Eliot fic! <3

Sitting on the lounge, you put your earphones in, tuning out the yelling as Sophie, Nate, Hardison and Parker played Monopoly whilst Eliot was cooking something for dinner. You stared at the laptop screen in front of you, typing hazily your thoughts onto an old document you'd had for years, like a personal diary that you only updated when you wanted to or needed to vent. But it wasn't enough. Needing air, you tried to look calm as you walked past everyone, making your way through the small house you'd rented for a holiday until you reached the backyard. Under the stars is the only place you truly felt safe. The only place you could breathe fresh air and allow yourself to feel. Emotions washed over you and before you knew it you were crying. Sobbing. Suffocating.

No sound left your mouth, as silent tears fell, fogging up your view of the sky. For a few seconds the world looked crystal clear before the tear rolled down your cheeks. Anger at the world for being so cruel to you and your family, for treating you like the butt of its jokes. Hatred aimed at yourself. Hurt from your past and the insults your mind hurled at you. Grief and fear for the future. Everything rippled through you, until soon all that was left were the tears.

Left numb as the last tears fell, a strange calm washed over you as you looked at the stars, feeling like Orion was soothing your soul, trying to heal the parts of you that you believed to be broken, smoothing the edges until they were soft enough to feel love again. The guitar of your music played through the earphones, speaking to emotions, offering small pieces of hope with the warm night air blowing the stars around.

“Hey sweetheart, I noticed you've been gone for a bit. Thought you might like to come and help me with dinner? I'm planning on making dessert too, but it'll take both of us to manage that and watch dinner” Eliot's voice was soft, concern lacing the small undertones of his question.

“Yeah, yeah I'll be right in.” Hearing his footsteps leave, you wiped your eyes, prepping yourself to go back inside and help with dinner.

You loved to cook. Had since you were little. You weren't good at it to start with, learning the hard way that potatoes were flammable, but you slowly got there. Now cooking felt safe, it was something to be creative with, to share with the ones you loved, and if you put enough into it, it could be art. That was one of the reasons you loved cooking with Eliot so much. He understood your love for food, and you understood his. However you always let him do most of the cooking, as dancing was your true passion, cooking was his. It was beautiful and fun to watch him in the kitchen, get all grumpy when it didn't work, but the small grin and faint chuckle when something was perfect made your heart flutter.

“Alright chef, what are we making?”

“Well, I've got the satay on the stove, the rice is half way through cooking and we need to get the vegetables in the oven. If we get creative, we can make an easy lemon meringue pie before dinner is finished being made.” The look of excitement in his eyes warmed your heart, helping to forget about the wave of depression that had hit you earlier.

Soon enough Eliot had assigned you different things until you fell into a comfortable dance of rotating between checking the different parts cooking for dinner, peeling and cutting the vegtables and making the lemon curd and the pie shell, leaving the meringue for last. Soon enough, all that was left was the stirring and to make the meringue. You were so busy that you didn't have a second thought when you rolled your sleeves up.

“Hardison! Man, I need you to stir this satay every two mintues. The oven and rice cooker will turn off in a few and just leave 'em” You looked at Eliot confused. He never let anyone else touch his kitchen, you were lucky he let you in when he found out you loved cooking too.

“Yeah, sure man, is everything good?” Hardison seemed as confused as you.

“Yeah, yeah, just gonna get some air for a minute” Signalling for you to follow him, Eliot swept out of the kitchen, into the backyard where you had been less than an hour ago.

The stars were still beautiful, as was the weather, but a nervous feeling set into your bones as Eliot looked at you for a minute with his arms crossed, staring at you concerned. For a split second his eyes glanced down at your arms. You knew he saw them. Eliot has been exposed to every kind of wound, and with such an eye for observation, you knew he understood what they were. No need to lie to him or blame your cat. He knew. Tears pricked at your eyes. Softening his stance, Eliot pulled you to him in a tight hug. You broke the silence first.

“It's fucking bullshit Eliot. All of it. It's so much crap I can't breathe” Unsure of when the tears had started to fall, you tried to keep from panicking as he stroked your hair to calm you down. You stood like that in his arms until you lost track of time, until your breathing settled, until the tears stopped and you could hear his strong and steady heart beat past your own.

“C'mon. Tell me what's going on.” Tugging you to the ground, Eliot sat down, pulling you onto his lap so he could hold you some more.

“No, Eliot, I'm too heavy to sit on your lap” It killed you to say.

“Pffft, no you're not. Sophie's luggage weighs more than you.” You giggled, not doubting that for a second, but you couldn't help but let your face fall when you remembered what you were talking about.

“Is that it sweetheart? Not feeling good about yourself?” His probing tone was so gentle that you spilt everything you'd been keeping in for years.

“Not just that. I mean, yeah, it's a good bit of it. I've hated myself since I was little. I've always been the bigger one out of my sisters and me. I know that most of it's muscle, and my friends just say I'm curvy, but I hate it. I feel like a fucking blimp, and being short too makes me stumpy. I've tried everything, dieting, vomiting, not eating, over working out and healthy methods. Nothing works, I never change. I hate it. And I hate how things are with my family. My sisters have always taken all the attention, as the angel and demon whilst I'm invisible. The only time I'm not invisible is when they need me to do all the housework, the cooking and cleaning and all the rest of the shit. I try to open up to my mum. I try to explain how I feel inside and every time I try, she just tells me I need to lose weight. I need to cut out sugar, eat less calories, count everything. She never says it to my sisters. Only me. It fucking hurts. Especially when every day my brain insults me, about how I look, how I'm useless, how I can never do anything right, how I'm a fuck up and a waste of space. I mean, the world must be punishing me as my dad got sick, badly, recently. I'm npt even good enough to save him from that. But for some fucking reason, despite it all, I don't have the guts to end it. Even though my family life is fucked up and manipulative. Even though I'm this fucking thing. Even though the world clearly doesn't want me anymore. I just want it all to stop.” You don't know when the tears started, but you watched as the droplets fell onto your trackies. No point in trying ro look good when you know no one wants you, especially Eliot. At least that's what you thought.

“I know the feeling. Maybe not the feeling of hating my reflection that bad, but I know the feeling of worthlessness. Of hopelessness. Of never seeing a light at the end of a tunnel and when you think you do, it's a fucking train. But there is life after survival. It doesn't feel like it, but there is. Now, I won't pretend I know or understand what it's like for you, but know I'm here sweetheart. What we got, in there, those four idiots playing board games, that's our family now. This is your home. Your place to let it all out. You don't need to hide from us to cry, or cut into yourself to get the emotions out because you feel you don't have another option. Tell us. We're here for you. I'm here for you. Can I ask why?”

You didn't even need to ask what he was refering to.

“I'm not sure. The first time I did I was angry. A dull, throbbing anger and sorrow that I wanted to scream. But I couldn't. So I dragged my broken nail down my arm until it left a mark. Then I did it again. I guess it's about control. I can't control my life. I can't control what happens at home, or work or even at dance classes. But I can control myself. I can make sure that I don't hurt anyone, even if they deserve it, I can make sure not to yell or snap or hit anyone or anything, by taking it out on myself instead. So yeah, I guess it's about control. Or maybe that I feel I deserve it. Maybe it's that the sting reflects how I feel, so my feelings and tears seem vaild, or maybe it's because it distracts me, shuts the voices up in my mind, or maybe it's because I'm just addicted to the sting. I remembered wanting someone to notice at first, hoping they could see my pain and help me, but now I don't want to burden anyone”

After a moment of silent nodding Eliot spoke up.

“I'm not going to force you to stop. I'm not going to make you promise not to. I know how it can be. How addictive. Me and my fists.... well there's a reason they're red and raw most days and it ain't because someone needed my help. I know the draw of the sting. But please stop darlin', I don't wanna see you hurt, I don't want you to have lasting scars from a pain that isn't permanent. More than that, I wouldn't.. I can't let anything happen to you, y/n. I care too damn much to let anything take you from us.”

“How do you know my pain's not permanent? I've felt like this since I was twelve. Hated my body since I was eight. I don't even see how it's bad for me anymore”

“I wish... I wish you could see what you mean to me. Who you are and how amazing it is to be around you. Did you know my cooking always turns out better when you're in the kitchen? Even when you're not doing anything, just sitting on the counter babbling to me, you make it better. And did you know that Parker actually sleeps more peacefully since you gave her that stuffed animal and that Hardison gets the biggest smile on his face when you ask about his video games, even though you don't seem to really understand them? Did you know that Sophie sees you like her daughter and that Nate drinks less when you're around? You make things better and you're completely unaware of it. And I sleep better when you're around. I find that I can breathe more. This team are the only people in the world that I can open up to, you especially. As for your looks. Excuse me for saying and I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but damn. The way you look. Beautiful. Stunning. Divine. There aren't enough words in the English language, or any other language for that matter, that can describe how beautiful you are, inside and out. You don't need to be skinny to be beautiful, and honey you are gorgeous as you are. That being said, don't think for a minute that you're too big. To me, you're the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I-”

“Yo Eliot, the timers turned off a while ago and I don't know how long you want me to keep stirring this for man. Can you come check it?” Luckily you were saved from trying to answer. You brain was completely empty and exhausted, too many emotions to comprehend.

“Yeah, sure, gimme a minute man” Looking at you gently he mumbled “Are you going to be alright now? We can go in there and have dinner, or if you want you can eat out here, but I'll eat with you, alright?” You nodded silently, shuffling off his lap as he brushed a kiss to your forehead, holding your hand as you walked behind him into the kitchen.

Board game packed up, movie night turned off, dishes in the sink, you started to run the hot water, taking a chore away from tomorrow's to do list. The others disappearred, presumably to bed.

Silently, as you did the dishes, Eliot walked in grabbing a tea towel, drying the dishes next to you. When it was all done, he held you hand, tugging you into his bedroom.

“Stay the night?” The hope in his voice nearly broke you, and you couldn't think of any where you would rather be. Eliot had always been your rock, always knowing what you need before you could even say. Maybe he knew you didn't want to be alone tonight, or maybe he simply wanted to keep you close, so he could fight your demons. Either way, as you curled onto Eliot and he rubbed your back until you fell asleep, all that mattered was the warmth of the his hug.

“Love you, y/n”.

[nerdylocksandthethreebears]

Tw: eating disorder but not really

Got lost thinking about Peter, with his extremely high metabolism, getting self conscious eating as much as he does when he is around people who don't know he is Spiderman.

So whether it is at work, college or school, where he is so busy studying or working, he doesn't eat much because it would mean stuffing his face in front of people who might judge him for it.

"Hungry?"

"Didn't know you brought food for everyone."

So he just doesn't. Or he eats smaller amounts. And that keeps him going for a while but he can't keep it up day in and day out.

He starts passing out a lot when he is busy, and Tony, always monitoring the boy, starts to panic about what the hell is going on. They don't know that the spider bite won't start having some horrible side effects eventually.

He passes out as SI, during a meeting with Tony and wakes up surrounded by machines and Tony frowning at the blood reports. Turns out Peter is low is practically everything, and Tony doesn't understand.

Cue heated argument about Peter trying to shut Tony out and then Tony pushing that he is worried there could be something serious going on. Obviously Peter blurts it all out and Tony is furious. He gives Peter the longest lecture about looking after himself, but he does set to work arranging Peter to have lunch with him or some special meals that would do the job or something idk.

[doll-r-t]

Syverson helping you with your ED TW!!

You got diagnosed with atypical anorexia nervosa

Syverson had been noticing something different about you,

and how you got smaller and smaller,

But he did not know the extent,

You had always been good at hiding things, even from him 

You had grown up in a tough environment so you learned to guard yourself,

Syverson felt that something was wrong but he did not know what,

that was until he felt the ribs pocking out underneath your shirt,

the way you tried to avoid his touch, wearing oversized clothing,

The way your face had fallen in and your fingers becoming bone-y,

He had not noticed it before as you ate normal food, but just really small portions,

he thought you might not be hungry in the evening,

he was gone all day so he had no idea that you were not eating during the day,

Once Syverson found out about what was going on he would try and support you in any way he could,

You two realized early on that a food diary just made you worse, you felt like you were failing at being someone with an ED as you did not stop eating things that make you ‘fat’ but simple ate very little,

Syverson would get you flavored protein shakes for the days you could not bring yourself to eat solid food,

He made sure to be more at home and do more things with you,

like take you out for ice cream or plan a picnic, things like that,

Although it was not his fault, Syverson would feel responsible,

He had not seen it, how could he not notice his wife stopped eating? 

You could see in the early days of your recovery that it tore Syverson apart that he did not see it,

At one point it came to a boiling point and you both fought, Syverson had even thrown the scale-out of the window, 

but it was good you both had let everything out and finally could breathe again,

Syverson had cried, you had never really seen him cry like this,

asking for forgiveness as he thought he had failed you,

But you both talked it out and came up with a plan,

He respected your boundaries such as not wanting to be intimate with him currentley,

He made sure to always have the apartment warm, even though he was boiling,

You were freezing, often wearing two or three layers,

Syverson had bought you the warmest clothes he could find in hopes you would finally feel warm again, 

He gave you as much time as you needed for you to eat your food, made you small plates with your favorite fruits and vegetables in the morning and once you were able to eat this he added a small piece of bread to that,

He also brought you coffee in bed and made you fresh pressed orange juice,

You loved being taken care off by Sy, it gave you the mental room to work through whatever was going on with you,

He would also drive you to your therapist and pick you up again, 

He was kinda scared that you had outsmarted him and did not eat and then blackout and get into an accident and die and he would lose you and oh god he was going into a panic overthinking everything,

He just wanted to make sure you were okay, he needed that for his peace of mind.

You had ups and downs but Syverson was by your side and you slowly got better over time. It was going to be okay. 

To anyone struggling with an ED no matter what. I wish you nothing but the best and hope you get the help you need! I know what an ED is like, I battle my atypical anorexia nervosa every goddamn day. 

P.S. I wish I had a Sy who would throw out the scale through the window, I hate that thing and firmly believe we should not have them in our homes. (Unless you need them for health reasons ofc)

Sorry but I do not feel comfortable tagging anyone here as I do not know if this could be triggering to some!!

[spookysquish13]

Cereal and kisses

Ed reader

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS

Author note: I was having trouble eating today and I imagined this while eating my favorite cereal. It’s my go to meal when I’m having a hard day.

*PS: I got locked out of my old account (spookysquishsworld) and am reposting all of my old writings**

JJ keeps track of your eating. Knowing you have trouble, you told him about it when you first started going out. Today he was noticing you not eating for a while and gets concerned that you need to eat a little something.

While you are in another room watching TV on the couch under blankets wearing your safety comfy clothes, he goes into the kitchen to make your favorite cereal. This you Always have on hand for situations like these.

After years of working with JJ on your eating it’s becoming easier. You always have something on tv to distract you and you always keep JJ on your side to help comfort you.

He brings you a bowl and himself a bowl.

“Baby. Would you please eat with me? It would make me extremely happy to share a snack with you.” JJ says offering you a soft smile.

You take the bowl from him and cuddle into his side. You can smell him, it surrounds you. The smell of him and your favorite snack makes you happy and grateful.

You start eating and before you know it you two are laughing over the tv eating all of your cereal.

JJ takes the bowl from you and places it onto the table in front of you guys.

JJ sits back taking you into his arms kissing all over your face.

“I’m so proud of you babygirl I love you so much.” Kisses all over your cheeks

“You did so well and you made me so happy. Thank you for doing that for me. I love you so much” kisses all over your forehead and chin and nose