#uncertainty---

[thestationoracles]

leo horoscope ; week of 6/4 - 6/10

We have replaced all of your spoons with spoons of a similar size, weight, and appearance, only carved from bone.  We have replaced all of your socks with socks of a similar size, weight, and appearance, only knit from dog hair.  Your shower curtain has been replaced by an inter-dimensional rift vaguely resembling a shower curtain, but we didn't do that.  Be careful.

[thestationoracles]

cancer horoscope ; week of 6/4 - 6/10

This week brings fair skies throughout the region.  If you are not seeing fair skies, you are probably not within the region.  You do know what happens to people found outside the boundaries of their assigned region, don't you?  No, no, don't bother trying to move now.  It is too late.  Stay where you are; a car will arrive for you shortly.

[thestationoracles]

aquarius horoscope ; week of 5/30 - 6/06

You will be stood up.  You will fall down while you are shopping and be unable to move, but you will feel myriad hands moving your body and guiding your behavior.  This is what it feels like to be a normal human.  Remember this.  Remember this.  Remember this.

[thestationoracles]

leo horoscope ; week of 5/27 - 6/3

Be sure to water the earth around the plants in your house.  Be sure to salt the earth around the plants outside your house.  You wouldn't want them to come back, after all.  Not after what they did to the mailman.

[thestationoracles]

capricorn horoscope ; week of 5/15 - 5/21

Want to know some cool facts about spiders?  Here we go!  Spiders aren't insects, they're arachnids, which is totally different.  Each of a spider's 8 legs is divided into 7 sections and ends in 2-3 sharp claws.  Except for the spiders employed by a vague yet menacing government agency.  Their legs end in 2-3 hypodermic needles.

What?  Oh, uh, no reason.  But maybe you should shroud your home in fine-mesh net as soon as possible anyway.  It's a fun game the whole family can enjoy!

[thestationoracles]

virgo horoscope ; week of 5/13 - 5/19

You know what state of being is really under-appreciated?  Gas.  Gases expand to fill the volume of the container they are in.  They are easy to compress and far easier to spread around than solids or liquids.  Really, if people would just try being gaseous every once in a while, they'd realize--well, you'll see soon enough.

[thestationoracles]

capricorn horoscope ; week of 5/8 - 5/14

Now would be a good time to change your wi-fi password.  The stars indicate that the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home has figured it out again, and she is using up a lot of your bandwidth arguing with someone named "ltrllya5hdddrgn" on politicsforum.org.  Then again, perhaps she will reward your support of her campaign when she is elected mayor.  If she is elected mayor.  If anyone is.