The Station Oracles

Rolling weekly horrorscopes *ahem* sorry, horoscopes for citizens of Night Vale. Tracking the tag "thestationoracles." After the first week of horoscopes, we will stop tagging posts with "wtnv" and "Welcome to Night Vale."

[thestationoracles]

thestationoracles one month anniversary GIVEAWAY

Prizes:

First Place (1 winner):  1 Night Vale NRA bumper sticker (first choice), 1 Night Vale scout badge (first choice), 1 complete thestationoracles birth chart, 1 full tarot spread for a question of your choosing, 5 testable perfume samples from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Second Place (1 winner):  1 Night Vale NRA bumper sticker (second choice), 1 Night Vale scout badge (second choice), 1 complete thestationoracles birth chart, 1 3-card tarot spread for a question of your choosing, 3 testable perfume samples from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Third Place (3 winners):  1 Night Vale NRA bumper sticker (random), 1 Night Vale scout badge (random), 1 partial thestationoracles birth chart (includes personality & romantic compatibility but no predictions), 1 single-card tarot answer for a question of your choosing, 1 testable perfume sample from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

To Enter:

Reblog this post (1 entry per reblog; no more than once per day)

Follow thestationoracles (1 entry; one time only)

Ask thestationoracles a question (1 entry; one time only)

Submit a fanwork that we select to post during a weekend (2 entries per selected submission)

Submit a full week of predictions (5 entries per selected submission)

Please be 18 or older or have parental permission.  Your askbox must be open and you must be willing to give us a shipping address.  For a birth chart, you must also be willing to give us your date and time of birth.  US and Canada only.  Winner will be chosen via random number generator.

Giveaway ends June 25.  Winners will be announced by June 30.

[thestationoracles]

virgo horoscope ; week of 6/4 - 6/10

This week brings you success in sports, card games, or other minor contests of luck and brawn.  Let it comfort you.  Let it soothe you.  Let it distract you from the overwhelming lack of success in any contest that actually matters, such as the desperate struggle between your mortal body and the process of aging that gradually erodes all but your fragile, bewildered mind.  And then even that.  At least you are not yet too senile to best little Jamie at a game of Go Fish.

[thestationoracles]

leo horoscope ; week of 6/4 - 6/10

We have replaced all of your spoons with spoons of a similar size, weight, and appearance, only carved from bone.  We have replaced all of your socks with socks of a similar size, weight, and appearance, only knit from dog hair.  Your shower curtain has been replaced by an inter-dimensional rift vaguely resembling a shower curtain, but we didn't do that.  Be careful.

[thestationoracles]

cancer horoscope ; week of 6/4 - 6/10

This week brings fair skies throughout the region.  If you are not seeing fair skies, you are probably not within the region.  You do know what happens to people found outside the boundaries of their assigned region, don't you?  No, no, don't bother trying to move now.  It is too late.  Stay where you are; a car will arrive for you shortly.

[thestationoracles]

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Due to scheduling conflicts, the remainder of Monday's posts will appear on Saturday.  The posts scheduled for two weekends ago will appear on Sunday.  Then the schedule will return to normal, we hope.

our sincerest apologies.

[thestationoracles]

aires ; week of 6/1 - 6/7

[thestationoracles]

pisces horoscope ; week of 5/30 - 6/06

Your fundamental human rights will be stripped from you for thirteen hours this week.  Feel free to use the complimentary nuclear fallout shelter that came with your subscription to hide from the hateful mobs.

[thestationoracles]

aquarius horoscope ; week of 5/30 - 6/06

You will be stood up.  You will fall down while you are shopping and be unable to move, but you will feel myriad hands moving your body and guiding your behavior.  This is what it feels like to be a normal human.  Remember this.  Remember this.  Remember this.

[thestationoracles]

capricorn horoscope ; week of 5/29 - 6/5

There has never been a better time to transcend your physical form!  Bend your arms in every direction.  Who needs an intact spine?  Not you!  Functional musculature is for nerds.

[thestationoracles]

sagittarius horoscope ; week of 5/29 - 6/5

Several prominent local celebrities will soon make an appearance in your life.  Be sure to have plenty of bottled water and raw herring on you at all times this week; they will insist on having their needs met.

[thestationoracles]

scorpio horoscope ; week of 5/28 - 6/4

You are making your friends happy.  You are making your enemies angry.  You are making your casual acquaintances confused.  Isn't that all you ever wanted out of life?

[thestationoracles]

libra horoscope ; week of 5/28 - 6/4

Volume three, chapter 19, page 105, line 36, word eight.  Carve it into your walls.  Tattoo it onto your skin.  Engrave it into your very being.  You will need it someday.

[thestationoracles]

virgo horoscope ; week of 5/27 - 6/3

Your DVD player has decided that it will only play copies of The Blues Brothers.  Your DVD player has good taste in movies.  Maybe you should pay more attention to it, hmm?

[thestationoracles]

leo horoscope ; week of 5/27 - 6/3

Be sure to water the earth around the plants in your house.  Be sure to salt the earth around the plants outside your house.  You wouldn't want them to come back, after all.  Not after what they did to the mailman.

[thestationoracles]

cancer horoscope ; week of 5/27 - 6/3

The first thing anyone does in the morning is find it difficult to exist on the physical plane.  This will be especially true for you today.  But you've already picked up the newspaper, so you're on the right track!

[thestationoracles]

gemini horoscope ; week of 5/26 - 6/2

There is a snake around your neck.  No, not that neck.

[thestationoracles]

taurus horoscope ; week of 5/26 - 6/2

That spider you see crawling over your computer screen today?  She is a gift to you from us.  Put your cursor where she is, we've trained her to deliver you a secret message.  We hope you know semaphore.