Every decision I’ve made has brought me here. And I don’t regret most anything, not anything I can think of. I’m so happy. This is a good place to be. But I also know that I’m still young. I’m 23. And I’m allowed to still figure out who I am. There are aspects of myself that I wonder. And aspect I know. What I know now would have lead me down a different path, potentially. My relationships would have been way different, for some, but not different at all for others. I’m braver now. I wish I was brave back then.
My childhood was not hard. I was loved and cared for and made to feel so important. I was spoiled, but not always a brat. No, I don’t think I was a brat. But can I actually be the judge of that? Anyway. But I was raised to believe certain things. To act certain ways. To go places on certain days and pray for people who don’t actually need it or want it. I’ve really turned away from all that. I still find myself praying. When an ambulance goes by, for instance. But not for other things. I think people pray for me now, and I don’t actually need it. Or want it. I read a question the other day on Reddit: You wake up, you’re 17, everything else has been a dream. What do you do. It’s weird to think that, if I woke up and I was 17, there are people and things my braid could’ve made up. There would be no guarantee that if I did everything the same I would still end up right here at 23 writing this down, engaged to this man I love. So much of it could have been made up. It’s a hard question. I would try harder with the relationships I had then. Potentially make decisions different about certain people. Kisses I stole. Kisses I didn’t. No matter what, I know my extended family would be praying hard for me. Worried about my soul.
I’ve been thinking about my life and where it is going. I’m not extraordinary. I’ve come to accept that. But I also want to be more than I am. I don’t know where to go from here. Options have opened for the future, but I’m not sure if that will be the right path. What if it isn’t? I’m not satisfied.
