Journal January 22, 2023
So, the last 7 to 8 days I have given into my addiction. Well, one of them, especially one that I have not given into in months.
What I had thought was an old addiction. I have not fallen off the bandwagon for porn. However, this morning I did feel an actual, brief urge to do so. It's been the first time in months that something like that has happened. I feel as though God is loosening, loosening the whole he had on lifting their burden. That is, I think he actually gave me an opportunity to experience what life is, and can be without their weight. At least to some extent. Enough that I can genuinely picture in my mind what it would be like if the chains were not there at all.
The chains of porn addiction, masturbation, binge eating, and if I'm fully honest to some degree same-sex attraction. That last one still feels more like me wanting that body for my own, and that desire being mixed up into wanting to touch that body on someone else instead of fully making that, that really nice physical body the body that I am living in. I also know that there is something, about my porn addiction that has to do with control and affection and love that I don't understand.
I know I need a counselor. Both through prayer, and from the and's insistence of others around me, it has been brought up multiple times that having a counselor is a good idea. Even when God finally placed on my heart that I need to do that, that was certainly the final straw.
