#unlost.update

[gloomknights-blog]

i’ve kind of kept quiet for the most part, other than twitter.

my ex cheated on me, the girl i thought i was gonna marry cheated on me and i should have known better. it happened once before, last year and i forgave her i gave her a second chance. this time she blamed me, told me it had been going on for a while and that i’d been the reason for it. i don’t know how that fucking works but it sucks. 

it sucks more that i wrote a whole album about being in love and now it’s all redundant. an album i was so proud of, that isn’t even released yet, is now tarnished by the fact she cheated on me and did it while i was recording these songs, while she was listening to them and knowing they were about her.

i barely talk to anyone, i don’t really know what to say. i’m sad. fuck.

[insidebaek]

this week has been a mess and i’ve been more than 100% d o n e with it. first of all, chanyeol and i have argued? kind of? pretty much almost every day and it’s been my fault. i understand his insecurities. and i know it’s not easy at all to be in a relationship that has gotten to be more of a chore to him than he has actually gotten to enjoy. i get that he’s uncomfortable but this is not the first time that him and i have talked about this. and like i told him, i’m still not sorry for telling yifan what he told me. i am sorry that it made him feel like shit but lately chanyeol had picked up a habit of keeping things to himself and suffering alone and i absolutely hate it. i hate that he’s sinking and i hate that even though i try to help it gets us nowhere. lets add to this that minseok is back and that the added stress is unecessary and that i have to compete with the fact that maybe there will be a part of chanyeol will always belong to minseok. even though he married me. i’m 100% sure that he loves me but when it comes to minseok, sometimes i just want to cease existing and just not acknowledge that part of our lives, the part where chanyeol was truly happy and not suffering like he is right now. am i the one? was marrying me a mistake? would’ve minseok done better than me? what if he had married him instead? what if he had taken minseok back? what would’ve happened? there are so many fucking questions that roam my god damn head and i am tired of them. i am tired of my own insecurities fucking choking me to the point where i have to fake being asleep besides my boyfriends and just slip away in the middle of the night because i just can’t.

but then i can’t trust yifan either? like. “you can yell at me later” lmao no i’m not gonna even bother anymore i don’t have the energy to keep up with this big ass bullshit. if i tell you something it means i trust that you won’t say anything until the moment is right but OH! that never happens with yifan because he does whatever the fuck he wants and i just???? the fact that he told me to stop??? like??? my feelings are not even acknowledged i am just ready to leave everybody in this hot mess of a relationship except namjoon and chan, obviously. he’s shelter. he’s a breath of fresh air and i’m inlove and i can’t leave him.

hoseok though. i don’t know anything anymore. i don’t know how i feel about him but the fact that he doesn’t try anymore and mainly only seeks out yifan speaks volumes. a week and a half without talking though. nice.

my week has been shit. this is shit.

[insidebaek]

life has been good to me, but it's also been weird. there's a few things that i need to emntion in order for this to make sense too:

•hoseok is ours (by ours i mean chanyeol and i's)

and i can't but feel like a giddy teenager because i've got two precious boys who i would give my life for. they are the most adorable and sensitive human beings in the world, but they are also humble, carig and loving.

kris and i's friendship is great. even though we have weird talks. and by weird talks i mean we have late night talks where we just spill to eachother whats going on in eahcothers lives but there was this one that just threw me off and made me feel a bit odd. it's been long since forgotten but i can't shake off the weird feeling.

•i hate depending on chanyeol but i love to do everything with him

this just right out cancels itself. because i like to do everything with my boyfriend, i like to go everywhere with him but when it's regarding me getting hurt or sick, i dislike bugging him because he has enough stress and stuff to get done as it is and i like to be a bit independent in this area. when i told him i got hurt the other day he just kinda... i don't know. i felt bad. because i relied on kris-hyung and not on my boyfriends (i don't like to bug hoseok with this either, eh).

i told chanyeol about eun bi and hana. it's been what? three years? almost? their passing still affects me to an extent. i hate that they're not in my life anymore but i just... i love my life now too? i've felt bad lately because i don't think abour my wife and my daughter as much as i should, even though they're gone now.

i haven't gotten much slee lately. a few hours here and there but my body just.... doesn't want to rest. it's getting old, boring and annoying.

[nahuramessbabe]

wow haven’t updated in a hot minute. well let’s just say my life has gotten perfect ever since i’ve been traveling with colson. i’ve been distant a couple of times because of feeling homesick and well, this all feels so new to me. i’ve loves lauren ever since i was 13 and don’t get me wrong, i still love her but in a platonic love way. she’s my best friend and my go to person for everything. i’m glad she’s finally happy with mercedes.

on top of that, my boyfriend is the cutest person ever. to know that he talks about me to other people makes my heart flutter he’s so sweet and i adore him so so much. tour is ending soon and i’ll be back home with my moms and lani soon. but i just know that i’ll be with him again which feels so great :’)