Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You, Baby [Upstead]
okay, listen. i KNOW i already wrote a post 9x04 Upstead fic, but this came to me at like 6am this morning. it’s more exposition heavy centering around Jay’s perspective after his conversation with Voight up to him arriving back home to Hailey in bed. i just wanted to write my interpretation of what was going on in his head, and i feel like i didn’t even get all of it, but this is what the end result was. hope you enjoy!!
Read on AO3!!!!
The ache in Jay’s chest made it difficult to breathe. Out of everything he’d ever been through, he didn’t think he ever experienced pain like this—hurting because the one person he loved most in the world was hurting so deeply. His mind was running a mile a minute, memories picking out every instance Hailey had seemed off in the last few weeks; instances he had picked up, instances that concerned him, but he had never pushed her, instead waited for her to come to him. But she hadn’t. She’d carried this with her for weeks, allowed it to drown her to the point where she couldn’t come up for air, and as Jay drove, he felt that twisting, pinching ache that he had been too late in looking into what happened.
He could hear nothing but the thundering of his heart, just barely drowned out by the sound of Hailey’s broken voice, broken sobs, broken breathing when she’d had that panic attack.
I shouldn’t have been there.
I killed him.
It’s destroying me.
She was being ripped apart from the inside out, the weight of her secret that never should’ve been hers to bear crushing her until she completely broke. Jay’s grip on the steering wheel tightened, despite the dull ache in his knuckles, and he had half a mind to turn the truck around, find Voight, and deliver more than just a single punch. The anger pulsed in his veins at the thought of their sergeant, a man who, on more than one occasion, had told his unit to tell him the truth so he could lie for them. Jay had always felt uneasy about that claim, but he’d trusted Voight. Over the years, though, Jay saw what trusting Voight could do to a person, had become wary of it.
Now, Hailey had trusted Voight, and she was paying for it with her soul. And while Jay couldn’t have known what would happen, he desperately wished he’d somehow been able to prevent Hailey from getting trapped in one of Voight’s dark, twisting webs.
Jay swallowed as he stopped at a red light, leaning back in the chair, his throat slightly raw from yelling earlier. In the quiet of his truck, he inhaled deeply, held his breath for a moment, before exhaling slowly in hopes of calming himself down. No matter how many times he tried, it didn’t seem to work. His jaw set, teeth grinding together, and the sudden stinging in his eyes didn’t surprise him. Hailey’s face played in his head; not her beautiful, dimpled smile that made her blue eyes sparkle and crinkle at the corners, but rather the panic that pinkened her cheeks and nose, red rimmed eyes glassy with tears and dark circles because she hadn’t been sleeping at all.
Voight did this to her. And Jay would never forgive him for it.
The light turned green and Jay blinked a couple of times to settle his vision, pressing the gas as his other hand came up to wipe under his eyes. All he wanted was to get home, to see Hailey, to hold her. He knew now. She didn’t have to carry this burden on her own. And while Jay wasn’t entirely sure on how to make this better, the least he could do was be with Hailey, assure her that he was never, not in a million years, going to go anywhere. She may not have told him what was going on, and while Jay was disappointed and hurt, he couldn’t blame her. Not when he knew what Voight was like.
At the thought of the sergeant, Jay’s grip on the steering wheel tightened once more, lips curling in a sneer. He remembered, in that moment, the way Hailey completely changed when Voight walked into the locker room in the middle of her panic attack. He remembered the way Hailey had pulled away from him, her back straightening and sobs quietening, looking at their boss with an expression that Jay could only read as terrified and blank at the same time.
He remembered how Voight had asked Hailey if she was okay, and how she’d whispered a barely audible I’m fine. “Fuck,” Jay cursed, the guttural sound echoing in the cab of the truck. It took him that moment to truly confirm the realization that something was going on, and Voight’s arrival right there hadn’t been him checking to see if Hailey was alright—it was him checking to see if she’d keep quiet around Jay.
God. He wanted to kill him, which was fucking ironic, because wasn’t that how this entire mess started?
His home was quiet and dark when he arrived, entering into the living room. In the kitchen, he saw the half full bottle of whiskey, and Jay’s throat tightened as he grabbed the bottle and put it away, out of sight. He let his gaze wander for a moment, taking in his new home—their new home. They’d finished unpacking, had all of the furniture placed where they wanted, settling into a life to welcome their new chapter. Jay looked at the few photo frames on the TV stand, the others that were hanging on the wall. Pictures of him and Will, of Hailey with her brothers, photos of them with their friends, of them together. Jay let out a breath, quiet and shaky, at the sight of her wide grin frozen in all of those photographs, the genuine happiness she showed tightening something in his chest. He’d give anything to see her smile like that again, to erase any darkness and hurt from her life, no matter how improbable that may seem.
Slowly, Jay made his way towards their bedroom, heart thumping, stopping instantly when he got to the doorway. He froze where he stood, hands burying themselves in the pocket of his jeans, uncaring of the denim grazing at his raw knuckles.
Hailey slept in their bed, on her side, over the covers, in pajamas and one of his old sweatshirts. An empty glass was on her bedside, just a drop or so of the amber liquid still left inside, and Jay knew she’d been drinking to help herself fall asleep, and that alone felt like a punch to the gut. He stood, watching her, and everything hurt.
The anger he felt—not a single shred of it was directed towards Hailey, only Voight. Jay knew Voight’s habits by now, how he could destroy the people he claimed to care about. He’d seen it happen multiple times—with Al, even with Erin. And Jay had hoped losing Al the way they did, that Voight would change. Now he knew that was too naive of him. Now, as he stared at the love of his life, the woman he didn’t dare think of living without, Jay wished he could’ve protected her in some way.
Everything in him felt heavy as he watched Hailey sleep, the moon splashing in from the skylight above illuminating the bruises and cuts discoloring her face. She’d been hurting, far longer than those marks arrived, and Jay wished she had let him in. He wished she’d trusted him enough to tell him what was going on. And he got it—he really did—that she was scared, that maybe she thought she was even protecting him from keeping him in the dark. She’d rather get dragged down alone than bring him with her because she was fiercely protective of the people she loved. But, God, Jay wished she understood that he’d rather be on her side—good, bad, ugly—than let her go through any of it alone.
In that moment, Jay thought of her marriage proposal, and how hurt and disbelieving she had looked and sounded when he told her earlier today that it wasn’t really her that proposed. Not for one second did Jay doubt Hailey’s love for him; he wanted to marry her, more than anything else in the world. She was it for him, had been for longer than he realized, and he just wanted to do it right. He wanted to make sure not that she was all in, but that she was in the right state of mind to propose—and to accept his proposal. But no matter what, Jay knew it would be him and her in the end, always.
Time seemed to freeze when Hailey suddenly jerked awake, blue eyes meeting his green through the slightly illuminated space of their room. He watched as she leaned up on her arms, her startled gaze never leaving his, and saw the way the surprise melted into recognition, realization, as he looked at her. Jay’s head tilted to the side, ever so slightly, the ache of what she was going through bleeding through, his gaze feeling heavy with sadness, maybe even a little bit of hurt and disappointment because he couldn’t keep it at bay.
He saw the moment she understood that he knew, the line of tension forming between their gazes tightening. The silence between them was deafening, and even from where Jay stood he could hear the way Hailey’s breath hitched in her throat as she slowly, cautiously sat up properly. But she remained silent otherwise, and Jay knew it was because she was waiting for him to say something, to acknowledge this devastating secret of hers that he now knew.
Truthfully, Jay wasn’t sure how to go about it. He didn’t know what to say, other than tell her that it would be okay, but even that seemed redundant. Jay didn’t know if everything would be okay, but he knew that he would damn well try to make it as such. He would do anything to help ease this unwanted burden off of her. For Hailey, he’d do anything. If there was one thing he was sure of, it was that.
“Jay. . .”
Her voice, quiet and hoarse, pulled him out of his thoughts, realizing he’d gotten too lost in them as he took in the nervous, anxious expression settled into Hailey’s features. Her lips parted, like she wanted to say something more, but no sound came out, save for a silent, choked sob that had her entire body shuddering. It was enough to spring Jay into action.
He moved carefully towards the bed, Hailey’s gaze locked onto his, and instead of settling down on the mattress, he found himself crouching down next to her. Jay looked up at her, and his movements were slow as he reached for her hand, giving her enough time to pull away if she needed to. But she didn’t, much to Jay’s relief, as she let him take her smaller hand in his. His heart twisted at how cold her skin felt, how small she looked as she looked down at him through eyes that were already glassy with unshed tears. He could see the beginnings of her breathing quickening as her chest rose and fell more rapidly than normal, and Jay swallowed the lump in his throat as he squeezed her hand.
His voice was a rasp because of his conversation with Voight, but his words were steady. “You and me,” he said, determined, reassuring green eyes locked onto her heartbreaking, tired blue. “We’re in it together, Hailey. No matter what.”
Her throat worked, her voice as small as she looked, “You shouldn’t have—”
Jay cut her off, because he knew where she could be going with this.
You shouldn’t have to deal with this.
You shouldn’t have to share this burden.
You shouldn’t have been kept in the dark.
You shouldn’t have to be with someone like me.
And Jay refused to let her say any of that. He refused to let her believe any of it.
“Yes, I should,” he said gently, firmly, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. “Good, bad, ugly—I have you. Lean on me. No matter what, I’m here.”
A shuddering breath escaped her, accompanying the few tears that fell from her eyes, and Jay’s heart clenched once more at the sight of her. He couldn’t imagine the pain she was in, how exhausted she must be. She wouldn’t deal with this on her own for a second longer.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, defeated and tired. “I’m so sorry.”
She broke, then, tears streaming and choked cries sounding in the room, and Jay moved. “Baby,” was all he could murmur out before he sat on the bed and in one swift move pulled her into him. Hailey cried into his chest, clutching the front of his shirt, his arms wrapping around her shaking frame as he rested his cheek on top of her head, her hair still slightly damp from the shower she must’ve taken.
He held her as she cried, his eyes squeezing shut, hand rubbing up and down her back. It was the worst thing, watching the person you loved fall apart in front of you, unable to do anything but hold them and whisper that you’ve got them, you love them, you weren’t going anywhere. There was so much they needed to talk about; Jay needed Hailey to tell him what happened, not wanting to go solely on Voight’s version of events, but that could wait until morning.
For now, he would hold Hailey through the night. He would tell her he loved her. For now, that would have to be enough. And if she could sleep through the night because his hold on her chased the demons away for the moment, that would also be enough. But that didn’t mean there was a limit as to what Jay would do for Hailey. He was more than ready to show it because he didn’t care what he would have to do—when it came to Hailey, he’d go to the farthest fucking galaxy because the moon was just too close.
