summary: An insight to Derek’s thoughts during 3x09
word count: 1.2k
content warning: mentions of bullets and the Battle arc. also embarrassingly heavy with the pining. Perhaps angst but not pain as much as contemplation.
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Derek wondered where Penelope got it from
Her faith, her devotion to the good in the world. Her ability to believe when all seems lost.
He thinks about her, laying on that cold table in an O.R. How dark her last moments would’ve been, the last face her eyes would ever glance upon being the vile man who decided to steal her life. Doctors probing into her chest, as she slowly bleeds out to death in the cold room. His own mind miles away, his body in a church of all places - the irony isn’t lost on him- as she’s clinging to this world. It springs into his head randomly, his own self punishing him by demanding that he remember how close he came to losing the most important person in his world.
A small part of him wants to think he saved her. This minuscule sliver of his soul wants to believe that his praying kept her alive, kept that bullet from piercing through the biggest heart he’s ever encountered in his life.
Only that would be impossible for a plethora of reasons, many of which Derek doesn’t care to rehash.
The most important being that he didn’t know. When he was sitting in that church, revisiting the painful and broken relationship he once had with a God that he’s long since denounced, he didn’t know. Didn’t know that when she needed him most, was at her most vulnerable, Derek wasn’t there.
The knowledge that he probably pushed her into the arms of that man only sweetens the entire package. That his juvenile jealousy was misconstrued as thinking she was somehow unworthy of a man Derek had never even laid eyes on.
It wasn’t farther from the truth, considering Penelope was better than any person he had ever encountered. She managed to crawl under his skin and settle into his bones, becoming an integral part of his being. He just has this intense want to be with her and enjoy the sacred moments when he can just be. When he’s not on edge, on the defensive, calculating every single word that comes out of his mouth as to not let anybody in too close. When the rigid barrier he’s erected around himself doesn’t need to be in place.
He’s only ever felt that with Penelope.
A piece of him is scared— no, terrified— he’ll never feel that way again if she ever leaves. If there were ever a day she wasn’t here anymore.
That’s when the over protectiveness kicks in. It’s like a feeling, an instinct to shield her from anything that could ever hurt her. If he were a better guy, he might feel embarrassed about it.
But he wasn’t, and he isn’t. It’s plain as day on Hotch’s face, surprised by Derek’s pushback, that he isn’t being as careful with his feelings as he’d hoped. The sudden agitation from his best agent wasn’t one Aaron was expecting.
Guilt festers in Derek’s stomach, and he thinks about going to apologize to the unit chief when suddenly she’s ripping out her IV, the devastation clear in her eyes. The sadness in her face curling around his heart and squeezing it.
Without even realizing it, his hands are pushing through her soft blonde hair, leaning her shoulders back and focusing her eyes on him.
He means every word. It was going to be one hell of a fight to get him to do anything but catch the asshole who did this, IA be damned. Who was he if he wasn’t protecting her?
Finally getting her to sit back in her bed, he slumps into the seat next to her. A sharp downstroke of his hands over his face, and he looks up.
And she’s on her side, her eyes still shining with tears, staring right into him.
“Thank you,” her hand reaches for his. Smoothing over the course hair of his knuckles with her thumb.
He shakes his head lightly, ”Go to sleep Baby, it’s your last night here.”
Her hands are interlaced with his when she dozes off.
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He’s out of his element. And tired. And stressed as all heck because it’s been days and they still haven’t caught this guy.
And mostly because he’s standing in her apartment, her perfect little space that reflects everything she is, and he hadn’t believed he could be more in love with her until he was here.
Even after being shot by someone, someone who was still on the loose, she was thinking about his comfort. As if being with her was a chore he was tiring of doing. Like he had more important things to attend to.
The idea of anybody but her being his first priority was so foreign to him.
There wasn‘t anybody he thought about more, anybody who managed to make him feel so incredibly enamored that it stole his breath. Such a unique feeling that only Penelope Garcia could evoke from Derek.
Cause he loves her. Because he’s in love with her. So painfully in love with her. And everything about Penelope had entranced him from the moment they met and Derek knew it was only a matter of time before he couldn’t store away his feelings for her any longer.
He just thought he had more time. More time to get ready, to be a man deserving of such a perfect woman. More time to know, to be absolutely sure that he’s what she wants before he drops a bomb on their relationship.
He can’t risk losing her. It doesn’t matter in what way she wants him, Derek couldn’t return to a life where she’s not in it. He almost had to unwillingly, and it terrified him. Him and her was something he wasn’t ever going to mess with.
But then she’s turning away and heading to bed and he’s telling her ‘I love you’ before he can even stop himself.
And Penelope, perfect Penelope who always manages to exceed every expectation he could have about her, looks at him. Her lips press together tightly before pushing out into a soft smile. He could see her eyes glisten behind her frames, and when she doesn’t say anything back for a beat he worries that he’s ruined them.
“I love you too.” And it’s the only sound in the room as they look at each other, the bashful look on her face mirrored in his own. It hangs in the air, those three words he hasn’t said to anybody outside of his family, the words that have been resting on the tip of his tongue for months now, were reciprocated in a way better than Derek could’ve ever dreamed of.
He can’t even move, utterly transfixed on the love of his life before him. It isn’t until she shuffled slightly on her feet, her fingers shoving against each other when he comes to.
She’s hurt, scared, and vulnerable. Just this week they were fighting, and the last guy to show interest in her ended up putting a bullet less than an inch away from her heart. Now is not the time for him to spring his wants to be with her, to be her boyfriend and eventually her husband, onto her when she’s still recovering.
So he backs off, smiling at her and quietly commanding she go to bed.
Penelope’s turning around, a small wave and a serene look in her blushed face.
Derek’s climbing into the blankets on her couch, dreaming of a future where they’re together.
