#userwymack

[philosophiums]

what happened to userwymack? I haven't seen you talk about her in a while

I don’t.... I don’t know what happened to Taylor. She just kinda disappeared one day. I know she deleted her tumblr, which she had been talking about doing for a while anyway. And she stopped answering my texts, which I’m not bitter about, and I’m shitty at conversations anyway. I just.... hope she’s happy and stress-free and living her best life. I miss the fuck out of her. 

[philosophiums]

actually really disappointed that neither my wife @wymack nor myself have received any saylor prompts/asks/aus

it’s been months since i’ve heard from y'all about my wife and i where tf did you all go this ship is still sailing

[philosophiums]

hey.... uh, so... like... I miss my Brand™ and I’m thinking about moving back to being philosophium

thoughts? opions? should I do it? yes/no? tell me

[philosophiums]

Hey I'm back again (I should get a nickname I'm always in your inbox) wondering why the hell the tfc fandom has such a lack of 'Andrew fucks up' fics. Like I think I've seen maybe one set of headcanons where it's his fault he and Neil are fighting?

(2/4) Honestly from a psychological standpoint Andrew is much more likely to lash out since he’s been pushing people away his whole life. He closes himself off to protect himself and I’m not saying that’s his fault or dissing him or anything but tbh(¾) I think it’s a lot more likely for Andrew to fuck up and screw with Neil’s feelings than for Neil to do it to Andrew, especially since Neil is still struggling to define what they are. Idk dude I’m just in desperate desire of fics where Andrew(4/4) drives Neil away and then has to work to get Neil’s trust back, not the other way around. Got any recs? Or, better yet, spare headcanons laying around? Love you bae (kisses and hugs and all that)

why do you do this to me what have i ever done i am a gOOD PERSON

Neil is used to accommodating for Andrew’s specific needs

like space 

and a tendency for non-verbal responses (or just non-responses in general 

and, sometimes, days when everything is so bad that Neil doesn’t help and they just don’t speak to each other at all

but

while Neil knows that he doesn’t always help

he never thought he made things worse

until one day, when they haven’t really talked all day, and Andrew has stayed by Neil’s side through sheer force of will

Neil tries to get Andrew to like

idk

eat something or have a glass of water or whatever

just

you know

take care of his corporeal form enough to stay alive

and Andrew just

snaps

and he fucking goes off on Neil 

not even yelling because Andrew doesn’t care enough to yell

but Neil still feels like he’s been punched

“stop trying to help. you’re just making everything worse. everything was so much easier when you weren’t here.”

and none of this is a lie but Andrew literally feels like his skin is crawling and he is like five seconds away from jumping off the edge of the roof

but it’s also not true, because Neil is the best thing that has ever happened to Andrew

but Andrew hates Neil for that, because it means that days like today are so much worse because Andrew feels like shit for not being there for Neil

but Andrew can’t articulate this, so he says what he says in a flat, slightly snarling, slightly sarcastic tone

and Neil can’t deal with it

because he had noticed, all day, and on every previous day like this, that Andrew flinched when Neil got too close

or that Andrew never made eye contact with Neil

or whatever

so Neil leaves

he leaves because running is how he protects himself

he leaves because Andrew needs to be alone anyway

because Neil is just making things worse

unfortunately, pushing people away is the easiest thing for Andrew to do

so, now that Neil has run off, Andrew can’t pull him back in

and because he can’t deal with the thought that maybe

maybe

Neil just doesn’t want to be with Andrew anymore

that Andrew fucked up the best thing that has ever happened to him

Andrew just works harder to push Neil away

and Neil can’t handle this

he falls apart

his grades, which were already precarious, start slipping, and he only manages to stay afloat because Wymack sits him down and tells him to get his shit together

Neil throws himself into running, into practice, into the weight room, because this is how he punishes himself

because it is his fault that he and Andrew seem to not be a thing anymore

it has to be his fault, right?

Neil had to have done something wrong 

something big enough that Andrew not only pushed Neil away that day, but every day after

Neil and Aaron don’t officially swap rooms again, but Neil is no longer sleeping in the same room with Andrew and Kevin

Neil is no longer really sleeping at all

meanwhile Andrew is getting more violent by the day, because this really is his fault, and he knows it, but how the fuck is he supposed to fix it when Neil keeps running away from him

he knows that Neil isn’t really running, that Andrew is pushing and shoving and slamming doors in Neil’s face to keep him away

Andrew doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t know how to stop

and now Andrew isn’t participating in practice anymore, and he’s lashing out at the team

and Wymack tries to get Neil to do something about it, but Neil just stares at his coach because why does he have to control Andrew?

things keep getting worse

escalating

until Andrew gets frustrated and breaks his racquet during a practice

and Neil…

Neil doesn’t do anything

Neil just stares at Andrew for a second

and then turns to Dan and starts talking about strategy or the new freshmen or anything that isn’t Andrew

Andrew leaves the court

and he just fucking disappears

Neil doesn’t start feeling hollow until day three of Andrew’s absence

and then he starts feelings worried at day four

and guilty at day six

and he’s failing a class and holding onto his GPA with just his fingertips

when Andrew comes back after eight days, the Foxes just point him in Neil’s direction and then make themselves scarce

Neil is relieved to see Andrew but he still doesn’t know what’s going on between them, if anything is going on between them anymore

Neil is the first one to apologize and ask what he did wrong

Andrew wants to punch Neil for taking the blame, but he just turns on his heel and leads Neil to the roof

it’s takes Andrew over an hour and four cigarettes to say “I’m sorry”

and it takes him another two hours to get out enough words for Neil to understand that nothing was Neil’s fault

Neil asks yes or no and Andrew says yes because he’s not about to push Neil away as soon as he got him back

he will force himself into an uncomfortable position just this once if it means keeping Neil

but Neil just takes Andrew’s hand and links their fingers together and stares off to the horizon

and Andrew lifts Neil’s hands and apologizes again with quiet breaths and kisses over Neil’s knuckles, and Neil doesn’t mind

[philosophiums]

Ships of 2016 ↳ Kaneki Ken & Tsukiyama Shuu

“I’m not going to protect you by being your shield or armor. I’m going to be the dagger hidden beneath your pillow.”

[philosophiums]

Tailwinds ↳ a Yurabek playlist

[philosophiums]

Making History ↳ a Yuri!!! on Ice playlist

[philosophiums]

sometimes @wymack comes up with really good sentences and I get inspired by them

“I hate you,” Andrew says, kicking away from the Maserati and taking a long drag of his cigarette. The night is dark on the horizon, but Andrew is shrouded in the amber glow from the light poles in the parking lot. The sharp shadows across Andrew’s face make his cheekbones look hollow and his eyes look like frozen amber instead of their usual polished gold.

Neil shakes his head in denial and watches Andrew stop moving, tilt his head as if deciding something, and then pivot back to start pacing. His hair is getting longer, brushing the tops of his ears and his eyebrows. Neil knows that there hasn’t been enough time to cut it, not with the stress cycling around them, depression and anxiety pulling at both of them in waves. “No, you don’t,” Neil says.

Andrew’s eyes flick towards Neil, assessing, but inevitably Andrew continues to pace. “More than anything,” Andrew promises, flicking ash at Neil as he walks past.

Making a face, Neil brushes the ash off the front of his Foxes hoodie. “I think, for you, ‘I hate you’ is interchangeable with ‘I hate the way you make me feel.’” Now that the words are out, Neil realizes that he’s been feeling this way for a long time. He’s confident that this time, he has Andrew figured out.

Andrew stops walking, and he drops the hand holding his cigarette to his side. Smoke curls up the back of Andrew’s hand and along the sheer black of his armband, before finally disappearing in the cool air of the night. Neil pushes his advantage and approaches, gate slow and loose, hands in his pockets, head tilted slightly to the side.

“What I’m trying to figure out,” Neil breathes, carefully watching Andrew’s constricted pupils, the spattering of pale freckles over Andrew’s nose, “is whether you mean feeling this in particular, or feeling anything at all.”

“There is no this,” Andrew instantly snaps, as if he had known exactly what Neil was going to suggest.

Neil smiles ruefully and backs away. “I know,” he says, and turns to walk back inside. He ducks his head, heart heavy with the knowledge that Andrew would have and could have gone on living just fine feeling nothing at all.