TO MISS WHAT WAS ᰍ ushijima wakatoshi !
When someone asks Wakatoshi how he’s doing after his recent breakup, he tells them he’s okay. Which was the truth for a time.
He’s had a lot of time to think after that conversation that ended his relationship of eight years. Four were when they were friends, and four were in the actual romantic relationship. Eight years—that’s just... no longer is.
Wakatoshi was ok. He didn’t understand why his friends, even the ones he hasn’t been able to keep in touch with due to busy schedules and different life trajectories, kept on asking him the same question. Over and over again. And he thought of it as their initial concern for his well-being, because that’s what friends are for.
He was okay—fine. He still followed through with his day-to-day routine. Still showed up to practice. Still maintained his health. Still him.
So Wakatoshi didn’t understand why they were still so concerned even when he reassured them that he was fine.
But the truth had a way of making itself known in the most unexpected times. In the moments when you least expect it to. Like tonight, when he and a few friends from Shiratorizawa had invited him out to drink.
“Are you okay?” Semi Eita asks just as he finishes another shot of alcohol. The liquid carves a slight burning—sort of tingling—sensation in his throat, but Wakatoshi disregards the feeling and lifts his gaze from his glass to look at him.
“I am,” he answers.
It’s the truth and nothing but. It’s the same answer he’s given to a hundred people. And it’s what he was sure he felt. That is, until things finally settle in.
“Hey,” it’s Satori who puts a comforting hand on his shoulder, “you can be honest with us, y’know? If you still miss them, then you don’t have to keep telling us you don’t when you do.”
Oh.
Oh.
Well, that’s something to be honest about, alright.
Wakatoshi sets his glass down with a soft thud and thinks—dwells. Gathers all his thoughts and feelings in such short notice—and he realizes there are still a lot of things he hasn’t gotten over. Like coming to an enlightenment of the things he’s just brushed over and convinced himself to swallow down.
“I just...” He heaves in a breath.
He doesn’t know where to start or what to start with. Because feelings were confusing and reminded him of his parents’ complicated relationship that he was now sure affected him growing up.
But no, Wakatoshi thinks to himself; he has to be honest. He can be honest. If he doesn’t, then it’s only a matter of time before the dam overflows and he’s left with an awful aftermath.
“I miss them,” he confessed, breath shaky. “How could I not? They were... my other half, and now that they left, it feels like that other half of my sense of self is missing.”
And he doesn’t know where he got the courage to continue, but he does. “I really loved them. And I just... I really, really do miss them.”
So this is why he lay awake most nights. Longing, wishing for everything to just be a bad dream, and that by the time morning arrives everything will just be a long-forgotten what-if. It isn’t. Wakatoshi’s bad dream is a continuous nightmare that continues to haunt him even when his eyes are open.
Oh—
Oh, he’s crying. How odd.
He didn’t cry when he agreed to end things with you. He didn’t cry when you left, tears streaming down your face. He didn’t cry even after.
Because maybe, maybe now he’s finally coming to terms with the fact that there was no going back to what you two were. To miss what was finally allowed Wakatoshi to accept what he truly felt. To accept, but never forget. And that’s the thing about missing someone, no?
He has to accept that what was was no longer his to hold on to and that it was alright not to forget. Because he loved. Wakatoshi loved. And how could he forget what he loved with his whole heart and mind?
Accept? he could do.
Forget? He doesn’t think so.
He could miss what was all he wants, but he knows that missing wouldn’t bring things back to the way they used to be. And that’s the bitter truth when it comes to loving someone so much it hurts when fate and coincidence have other plans for you two.
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