_______________________________________________
you felt yourself get worse again.
all that work towards getting better is just broken down by a day of inconvenience.
you knew this would happen, too late to stop the cycle in motion already.
you dreaded nights, especially nights like these. voices too loud in your pounding head, eyes red, throat burning, and body limp.
nights where you contemplated a world without your own presence.
it didn't help that you had someone right next to you that loved you enough for the both of you.
your heart hurt as you stood up in bed, tired from another sleepless night.
was this okay? am i okay? you asked yourself silently as you looked at the sleeping figure next to you with heavy eyes.
he looked so peaceful, so content at where he is right now that you envied him. oh, how you wished that your mind was at peace, no worries, no nothing but the universe can be cruel sometimes.
you stepped out of bed to get a glass of water, maybe i'll never be okay, you sighed. It was so surreal to think that someone could love you the way he did, especially when you thought that you weren't capable of love, not of loving but of being loved. Your chest tightened as you let out a soft sob holding the kitchen counter; you felt guilty, guilty for feeling like this, especially when you had nothing to complain about. how dare you cry? how dare you feel sad when you have everything you need? how dare you feel sorry for yourself? you felt selfish, selfish for pitying yourself, selfish for wanting. to escape this hellhole. you don't know why you cried but the tears helped.
you didn't mean to wake him up.
you didn't expect him to watch you from the doorway.
you felt mad at yourself for bothering him.
you felt disgusted at yourself for seeking his love and warmth, his pity.
but as he moved towards you, quietly as he could, and wrapped his arms around you, you didn't want him to let go.
i'm sorry, you thought to yourself. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. imsorry. imsorry.imsorry.imsorry.imsorry.
he held you like he understood your pain.
he held you like its the last thing he was doing.
he held you like a child seeking comfort.
he held you until you were done.
"you're going to be okay, baby, you're going to be okay."
_______________________________________________
