I feel a severe amount of grief, an insurmountable amount of grief. My heart feels torn, shred up by a vile beast. I feel like someone cut off my child's limb and handed it back to me as my punishment. I wish I didn't feel every emotion to the fucking max. I have emotional tinnitus, if that makes sense. nothing makes sense. At this point I really wish I could self destruct, like truly just push myself off the edge and have a violent crash out. I feel hurt, which is so stupid, It wasn't as painful a few days ago but their words keep repeating in my head over and over again and it keeps making me breakdown. It was harsh but honest but maybe a little harsher than I needed it to be. I don't know why I feel so much worse days after rather than in that moment. I guess its processing the loss of something you spent so long doing, something you're no longer allowed to do. I've told everyone I can handle it and i have it, even though I don't want to, I want to go full self kaboom mode. it feels like my heart is slowly, agonizingly being pulled out of my chest and all i can do is cry, in complete silence, can't even make a damn noise when I cry. Their words hurt and I don't think all of em were the truth, I know some of what they said was not cause I never let em in on that truth. I never said how replaceable I felt, like I was just placeholder, like I’ve always been. How much of my needs and feelings I squashed, how I tried to be as easy as possible and i still wasn't. There had been this question that weighed me down the whole time, which I still don't know how the answer to. How much did they love me as my authentic self versus the idealized version of me in their head. It always felt like they were witholding their love until I reached my full potential. I'm not sure how much they actually love who I am, in my current state. I think they always loved a fantasy more, it always felt like I was in a competition with myself, which was so strange. I don't know how you'd explain that to someone else without sounding pathetically insecure. You lose second place to yourself, is there a worse feeling. I never stopped feeling like they were actively looking to replace me, like they couldnt stand me. I know that's not true, but I've always sensed the resentment they held. Maybe it's rightfully held resentment for my actions, I don't hold that against them. I don't blame them for shit. But the resentment has felt like it always been there and it appears in random comments or jokes, which leave me confused. i don't know how much of pattern it is or more of a reality that I seem incapable of change, I fear being stagnant, I fear all that I'll lose if i don't change, it keeps me up at night but why can I not use that to fuel the change. I want to change, I want to be different, someone easier to love, easier to be loved by. I tried being easier but instead I just turned myself into a blank slate. A robot that needs commands and permission for everything. I don't know whats right or wrong anymore, i need to be told what to do in every situation, i need someone to lead me like a dog on leash. I need validation and attention, i need so much fucking atttention, i just need to be treated like a pet not like a human.
