Excuse me while I vent
This is gonna sound like such a non issue maybe but like literally still wild to me that my mom was like “I hate that my mom was never fair to me so instead im gonna insist on fairness to the extreme and the extreme only”. Like it sounds batshit to say fairness can sometimes be unfair but it definitely can lol Like I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I can’t ever be right, I can’t ever do anything right, that all I do is fuck up because no matter what problem I’d come to my mom for she had to like literally make me justify everything that I was saying and there could never be any issue or stumble on my part or else I was just wrong and I couldn’t complain about shit. Like it’s insane to think I have never once been given trust or the benefit of the doubt about anything and yet still she asks me all the time why I never came to her earlier about spending years on end being relentlessly bullied every single fucking day or about more serious shit that’s happened to me. Like gee I don't fucking know, maybe because when I’m begging for comfort or support or even help I always end up feeling like I’m the only person at fault for any of the shit that happens to me and on dad’s end its always about how im not strong enough of a person to pull myself up by the bootstraps or whatever!! Like imagine spending year making a kid feel responsible for the all the mean shit the older relatives of theirs said to them just because you dared, as a kid, to complain about situations you thought were wrong and continuing to make somebody feel like that well into adulthood about any issue you have.
Because of this, because of never being trusted to be alone or in my own space, because of constantly being underestimated and hated by my sisters and other family, because of constantly dealing with racism and xenophobia in school, and some vile shit that is too much for me to ever open up about, etc im fucked as hell and its still so funny that my parents still wonder why im so fucking out of it and always in my head. You would be too if you constantly were made to doubt yourself and every fucking decision you ever have to make alone. My biggest issue is my IMMENSE and INTENSELY SEVERE fear of failure and looking bad and it absolutely stems from so much of this shit. GOD i need to go back to therapy huh? LMAO
