#vaughnknightly

[theparselmouthvh]

Farewell, Slytherins! P.S: You Still Suck.

Hello, Slytherins! We're sure you'll all agree that this school year has been an interesting one, bringing us a variety of both highs we've enjoyed and lows we've taken on the chin and learned from. But before we reflect on the year we've had, we at The Parselmouth would like to pay tribute to Hufflepuff's Margo Ward, who was tragically killed on our grounds one year ago. Margo's death was an unpredictable and spontaneous event which affected the hearts of many here at Hogwarts. She was a wonderful student, classmate and - most importantly - friend, with the potential to accomplish anything she desired. May Margo Ward's memory forever live on in our new and spectacular Memorial Garden, set up by our hardworking Professors and this year's Head Boy and Girl. So - this year at Hogwarts. The highs: Slytherin's Alexis Endicus was awarded the Head Girl badge (and managed to keep it all year, despite concerns), Professor Wollice managed to retain her job as Slytherin's Head of House (we knew she could do it!), no one in Slytherin got shackled by Flamel (that we know of) and no one actually died. We've had a pretty successful year, then, right? WRONG. Do you lovely readers recall when, at the beginning of this year, your humble Parselmouth writers urged you to take advantage of your Salazar-born drive for success to bring glory to our House before the echo of our magnificent failures awoke Salazar himself from his grave? Do you recall how these writers were even kind enough to offer you a number of tips on how to achieve this? If the answer is no - shame on you. However, if the answer is yes, then... shame on you! You didn't do better. And Salazar's pissed-off spirit is probably on its way to Hogwarts right now to put us all out of our misery before we taint his name forever. Let's start with dueling. Is it really that hard to take some time out of your hormone based schedules, to skip that one snogging session - or even to postpone that three o'clock broom closet appointment - to sneak down to the dueling chamber for a duel or three? The tournament finished and we only had six participants. Or... maybe a couple more than six. Who even knows and cares any more? It's just common knowledge that Slytherin - a house which was once home to numerous talented duelists - now sucks at dueling. But if you thought it couldn't get any worse than that, then brace yourself for a loud and heartfelt WRONG again. Our dear Quidditch captains claim that we never intended to win this year, or last, or the year before that, because our team took a hit and we needed some time to rebuild. Fair point. Rebuilding is good. But let's remove all the layers of Honeydukes' finest sugar and spell it out for you spectators: our team consists primarily of children barely out of their diapers, while our oldest players were three fifth years (Endicus doesn't count, she isn't really a player). In short - we suck. Or maybe Hank Chamberlain just needs to stop wallowing in his manpain and focus. We lost against Gryffindor. Okay, we accept that. Gryffindor is good. We lost against Ravenclaw. Okay, we accept that. Julia is sharp (and hot). And we lost against Hufflepuff. Okay, we accept that---NOT. I repeat: WE. LOST. AGAINST. HUFFLEPUFF! Enough said. But what we lacked in Quidditch match wins and dueling tournament participants, we certainly made up for in Parselmouth Articles! Maybe everyone on our failing Quidditch team should jump ship and write for us instead of flying around on that pitch you never win on. (No, but really, anyone who wants to write for us next year is welcome...) And finally, we couldn't possibly forget our graduating seventh years! So to Aara, Alexa, Alexis, Arieda, Asher, Edward, Ewan, Emery and Kerr - good luck and have fun. Don't let the real world swallow you whole... Thanks for a wonderful school year, Parselmouth readers, and we're already looking forward to bringing you another year's worth of news and gossip next year! written by Asia Chadwick and Vaughn Knightly

[theparselmouthvh]

Dear Parselmouth...: Edition Three

Caution: The Parselmouth claims no responsibility for any accidents, loss of friendships or otherwise unprecedented disasters that occur as a result of the advice issued below. Any questions, comments or complaints are best addressed to the editors. ————————– Dear Parselmouth, I drank my friend's pumpkin juice. But it turned out not to be pumpkin juice and I'm not feeling all that well. Should I seek treatment? - Pumpkin'n It Dear Pumpkin'n It, You don't feel well how? Is your friend pale, blond and Slytherin by any chance? I digress. First of all, you should never drink (or eat) anything that doesn't belong to you. This is Hogwarts; you never know when you might try a poison. Second of all, it depends on how bad your symptoms are. I'd wait to see if it gets worse or if I die, if I were you, but I have never been an example. That should answer your question, really. Lastly, you do know that we answer these questions days, sometimes weeks, after they're sent in, right? So my answer is probably useless to you. But hopefully it will help someone else who stumbles into your predicament in the future. Doubtful. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, I think I might like my teacher... you know, in that way. I have tried to get her out of my head, but I can't. What do I do? Should I tell her? Or should I just accept that I won't get further than sharing a tree house with her in my fantasies? - In Love Dear In Love, Ah. I've been there, my friend. (Is it Professor James?) What can I tell you? Sometimes it's impossible to let go. You should definitely NOT tell them. Or I suppose you could, but brace yourself for some shackling (and not the fun kind - the painful kind). The best that you can do is try to find someone your own age to obsess about and, hopefully, seeing this Professor won't make those bats in your belly spread their wings so wide. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Don’t forget to keep writing in with all those burning questions! written by Vaughn Knightly

[theparselmouthvh]

Dear Parselmouth...: Edition Two

Caution: The Parselmouth claims no responsibility for any accidents, loss of friendships or otherwise unprecedented disasters that occur as a result of the advice issued below. Any questions, comments or complaints are best addressed to the editors. ————————– Dear Parselmouth, I know no peace, no quietness; I know no rest but only turmoil! It is a matter of friendship and of love. I have fallen in love with my best friend, but I know not what to do. I fear that a confession will be the ruin of us. But I cannot live on with the title of friend when deep in my heart I want nothing more than his heart. To touch his soul. To embrace him. To smooch him. To take his roguish torso in my arms and... Oh Parselmouth, whatever shall I do? I pray to thee! Impart upon me your wisdom! - Beatrice Dear Beatrice, First of all, are you quoting the Bible?! Also, "I pray to thee"? "I know no rest, but only turmoil"? "Beatrice"?! This isn't the theatre or a literature class, lassie. Get your slang in gear! I jest! I venerate grandiosity. Second of all, I say - tell this roguishly torsoed friend of yours how you feel. You know why? Friendship is overrated. Chances are it was founded on corrupt ground, and as such is doomed for ruin anyway. So why not take a chance? Enjoy a flirt! Engage in a snog! Relish in his soul! - for as long as you can until that, inevitably too, falls to ruins. Good luck! Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, I have a hairy little problem. I have no hair! All my male friends have hair. Leg hair, arm hair, even armpit hair! They say I look like Dolores' mutilated granddaughter. I don't understand! Help! How do I get hair? - Not Hairy Dear Not Hairy, Judging by your spelling [the above query was indeed edited to make it understandable for the rest of our readers...] you're either a particularly incompetent first year or Voldric Tagnik'zur. If it is indeed you, Voldiemort, then I advise you to come to my office. I can brew you the most excellent of masculinizing potions. You shall be my first subject and I shall call it The Voldiemort. If you poor sod are someone other than Voldie, however, and an impatient soul besides, then the offer still stands. I haven't had the pleasure of brewing such a potion yet. Otherwise, just be patient. At your age I was no more 'harry' than a newborn's rump. And look at me now! I have two whole strands of hair on my upper lip! If you're still 'harless' in five years, come see me. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, Birthday present emergency alert! A Hogsmeade weekend just passed. I spent it gift shopping for my boyfriend's birthday present... but I totally forgot about my boyfriend's twin brother! Help, please! - Forgetful Girlfriend Dear Forgetful Girlfriend, For that I have but one piece of advice: break up with your boyfriend. You will be doing him a tremendous favor. He's probably very, very close to his brother, right? So you wouldn't survive his (or his brother's) wrath otherwise. Sorry! Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Don't forget to keep writing in with all those burning questions! written by Vaughn Knightly

[theparselmouthvh]

Welcome Back, Slytherins! P.S: You Suck.

In all honesty, you guys sucked last year. We lost the House cup, we lost the Quidditch cup... the only thing we really won was Shuntbumps and even that was a disaster! So, in honour of ensuring Slytherin house is the best it can possibly be this year, we at The Parselmouth have compiled a reflection on last year and present to you an array of (COMPULSORY!!) tips for success in the future. SHUNTBUMPS - a reflection by Vaughn Knightly. We have all heard about it (if you haven't, I suggest you ask someone to lift that disorientating charm that's been placed on you), but what is it? The short version; snakelets and lion cubs take to the air and attempt to knock one another off their brooms using a combination of Quidditch fouls and spells. The long version; snakelets and lion cubs take to the air and attempt to knock one another off their brooms using a combination of Quidditch fouls and spells. But you may still ask; what - when - where - who - huh? Well, let's start with the when. It was first hosted at Hogwarts in the 28/29 school year by—who? The legendary Adora Crawford and Twila Wilde. It wasn't hosted again until April last term by our very own Alexis Endicus and Gryffindor's Prettiest Thanrion Twin a.k.a Elarinya Thanrion. Where? If you can't guess, then you are not fit to read this article. Huh? Slytherin won, of course. I would say thanks to yours truly but that would sound awfully smug of me, so I will just be smug and say thanks to me and a few little helpers. If you must know, these ickles' names are Kelly Ashcroft and Marigold Whitaker. Gryffindor also had a couple of dedicated players. Namely Quidditch veterans Rhiannon Green and Poppy Yates. What? The enticing game happened months past and has since then been superseded by more... let's call them 'Momentous occasions', which some people are still trying to ignore into oblivion because they haven't mastered a good Memory Charm. But here is a summary collected from my remarkable memory: Blood purist Endicus bribed Slytherin to take out muggleborn Wright, Toor and Gravenor had their own private Shuntbumps match on the ground (don't think dirty), Rhiannon had a case of pissed mother hen and took it out on Ashtray, Second years Kettlebum (Emory) and Ford Anglia (Connor) bromanced, the ugliest Thanrion and Andromeda Galaxy slept through the game, Poppy only woke up after she got smacked in the head, Tagnik'zur is a git, Wilson Webley displayed his attraction to the female gender by attacking Yates' robes, Karliah Whisp's name is excellent for nicknaming, Wright hit on me and Solstice stalked me, and more, but you shan't have it. Instead, I will tell you this---and pay heed, Slytherins, for I will not repeat it (but I guess you can read it as many times as you want or whatever): twice a champion doesn't equal greatness. Moreover, this win wasn't even a team effort. A number of you Snakeskin-wearing Huffinclawdors were dead weight and absolutely abysmal on the pitch. So abysmal, in fact, that you are forcing me to compliment two of the most pain-in-the-arse Slytherins that I have ever had the displeasure of acquainting: Ashcroft and Whitaker who, at least, made valiant efforts to send Gryffindors to the Hospital Wing. I present to you, then, but three of an infinite number of tips you would do to remember next time we play the rough sport. THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR SLYTHERIN SUCCESS: 1. Friend or foe or useless sack of bacon you never glanced twice at in the corridors; show no mercy. You can kiss and kick and belittle after the game. Game time means bruise time. Besides, if your friend or foe can't take a simple concussion, then they are not worthy of their respective titles. 2. Train those muscles, hone those reflexes! Lift weights, run laps, get on that broom, pummel first years. Do something to bulk up during this cold war. 3. I will but repeat Slytherin Quidditch's motto. It is for you to imbibe and employ in your every venture. Heroes get remembered, legends never die. QUIDDITCH - a reflection by Hank Chamberlain. 60 - 20. 80 - 40. 30 - 20. These are the scores (prior to snitch points) of last year's quidditch games. And they look pretty good, right? Or at least, they'd look good if we had actually won them. But we didn't. We lost. All of them. They were all painful arsewhoopings that would even make You-Know-Who cry, and they were shameful. An embarrassment. No number of punishment laps that Daniel Snyder and Phaedra Wayland assigned to the team could have done something to make it better. No one really knows what happened to derail the team so badly, but whatever it was, it was nasty and seemingly inescapable — kind of like the stench emanating from Urguy after taco night in the Great Hall. SlythQuid can't be the only ones to blame though. Who do we play for? You think it's all just selfish glory? We may not be self-righteous, horn-tooting Gryffindors who lay all their accomplishments at the feet of their superiors, but we don't want to let the house down, either. There is no house to let down though. Where are you guys? Why aren't you in the stands? Why aren't you there to cheer us on? It's even more shameful than our losses. As this year's captain, I can promise to try and give you something to cheer for. But that doesn't mean crap if you're not there for us, too. So here's what we're going to do: THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR QUIDDITCH SUCCESS: 1. Follow every single tip Vaughn Knightly wrote. 2. Don't let members of the team bring anything less than their A-Game to the breakfast table. Health, good grades, and making it to practice all help make for a more solid Slytherin Quidditch Team. Help your friends be the best they can be. 3. Come cheer us on at the games! Come cheer us on at practices! Come cheer us up after the games! Do you see the pattern here? House Unity, mates. It makes for a hell of a confidence boost. DUELING - a reflection by Asia Chadwick. The fact that only one member of Slytherin house made it into a dueling tournament final last year is simply unacceptable. Most will have heard of either Juliet Rosier, Jodie Jaszczak, Silvia Banagher or Adora Crawford - four of the most formidable recent Slytherin graduates with their name engraved upon dueling tournament trophies. These individuals, who now pursue successful careers in either professional dueling or dueling instruction, were able to create and sustain a stellar reputation for Slytherin house during their time at our school. However, while Phaedra Wayland placed second the intermediate tier final last year and is clearly on her way to becoming one of the elite, the rest of Slytherin house performed appallingly last year and our esteemed graduates would be disgusted to learn of the erosion of their dueling legacy by sub-par Slytherin duelists. Phaedra, keep on doing what you're doing. You are clearly an excellent Slytherin student. But for the rest of you, however, we have worked hard to bring you three simple tips - so that you, too, may one day taste success. THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR DUELING SUCCESS: 1. Don't spend any time over thinking last year's failures. Get straight back into the dueling chamber - duelists don't improve by wallowing in self-pity! 2. Seek out the help of older students. Or, on second thoughts, seek out the help of Phaedra Wayland. She seems to be the only Slytherin duelist who knows what she's doing right now, after all. 3. Spend time looking at Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff's dueling tournament trophies in the trophy room. If inferior students can manage to place in the dueling tournament, superior Slytherins should have no problem being successful. Tell yourself this and get straight back to work in the chamber - you'll notice an immediate improvement. So, there you have it, snakes! Make sure to follow The Parselmouth's top tips for success this year. Shackling will be inevitable for those who do not. written by Vaughn Knightly, Henry Chamberlain and Asia Chadwick 

[theparselmouthvh]

Meet the Professors - Part Two: James, Carter and Maesson

Hello again, Slytherins! We know you've been itching to read more about our fabulous Professors, so next up in our Meet the Professors series are Professors James and Carter and Mr. Maesson! PROFESSOR JAMES If there are two things about Professor James I think we can all agree on, it is that she's: 1. A bit of a mystery lady, and 2. Scary as bludgers. She's certainly not as transparent as, say, Professor Urguy, whose intentions (for a bloke that communicates in grunts) are fairly intelligible. And I dare any one person who has spent so much as five minutes with Professor James to deny her seemingly uncanny ability to read minds (actually, while uncommon, that ability would be called legilimency - but let’s not jump the wand here, folks, regardless of what the rumors may say). Aside from the above, Professor James is also notorious for her beauty - which is likely to strike a man (or woman) more venomously than a basilisk with 20/20 vision. She is the former head of the James Library and Wizarding Research Institute, which certain unnamed individuals might not mind working for in the future. She is the Dark Lady of Potions, perhaps even comparable to Severus Snape himself (but probably not). If you have ever found yourself admiring those legs of hers (I know I have) then I have two words for you: Quidditch Captain. Some claim that she used to be some sort of dueling Duchess back in the day, but these sources aren’t the most reliable. Still, less credible sources have provided me with a series of amusing but outrageous statements regarding their favorite Professor. Let’s just say this: ever wondered what Voldemort’s boggart was? PROFESSOR CARTER There are few words in the English language that would be appropriate enough to describe our mysterious substitute, Professor Carter. Some describe him as handsome, while others are quick to point out his receding hairline. Some describe him as highly dangerous, though we can assume his intimidating persona may relate to a strong dislike of children. Speaking of, we know that Professor Carter is the father of seventh year Slytherin prefect Isabella Carter, and is the rumored father of Magnus Carter - a Gryffindor, hence why it's merely a rumor. Other than that, however, we at The Parselmouth know very little about this Professor. Well, we do know one thing. But that's classified... MR. MAESSON For those who had forgotten the insignificance that is often seen prancing around the Quidditch pitch, understand this: we do not blame you. But please, do allow us to jog your memory out of nothing more than sheer obligation; he is part of Slytherin, after all. When it comes to Mr. Maesson, the simplest way to commit his presence to your memory is to first envision a centaur-esque unicorn. Now tone down on the remarkable characteristics of both creatures, include a few more ridges and folds of slackened skin around the areas of his eyes and neck and there you have it - the residential 'nyan cat' of Hogwarts. Starry-eyed students have often claimed that his skin sparkles in the sunlight but, here at The Parselmouth, we have discovered the truth: that's just his perspiration from thinking too hard about what to have for lunch. Careful not to hurt yourself, Mr. Maesson. Apart from his physical appearance, Mr. Maesson is also known for his flying lessons in the first year and term of your very own academic life and, despite everything, the most commendable achievement in his career remains to be his miniscule number of deaths. When not required around Hogwarts' grounds, Mr. Maesson can sometimes be spotted lending his expertise in Quidditch by announcing at games for various professional leagues. While official documents indicated 'single' for marital status, we believe Youdle - his beloved crup - may be more than just a pet. And on that note, we conclude our profile on Mr. Maesson. Sorry to break your hearts there, ladies (and gentlemen). ————————– Our final part of the Meet the Professors series, including none other than Professors Urguy and Mendelssohn, will appear inside the common room very soon. written by Vaughn Knightly, Asia Chadwick and Sebastian Snyder