In all honesty, you guys sucked last year. We lost the House cup, we lost the Quidditch cup... the only thing we really won was Shuntbumps and even that was a disaster! So, in honour of ensuring Slytherin house is the best it can possibly be this year, we at The Parselmouth have compiled a reflection on last year and present to you an array of (COMPULSORY!!) tips for success in the future.
SHUNTBUMPS - a reflection by Vaughn Knightly.
We have all heard about it (if you haven't, I suggest you ask someone to lift that disorientating charm that's been placed on you), but what is it? The short version; snakelets and lion cubs take to the air and attempt to knock one another off their brooms using a combination of Quidditch fouls and spells. The long version; snakelets and lion cubs take to the air and attempt to knock one another off their brooms using a combination of Quidditch fouls and spells.
But you may still ask; what - when - where - who - huh? Well, let's start with the when. It was first hosted at Hogwarts in the 28/29 school year by—who? The legendary Adora Crawford and Twila Wilde. It wasn't hosted again until April last term by our very own Alexis Endicus and Gryffindor's Prettiest Thanrion Twin a.k.a Elarinya Thanrion. Where? If you can't guess, then you are not fit to read this article. Huh? Slytherin won, of course. I would say thanks to yours truly but that would sound awfully smug of me, so I will just be smug and say thanks to me and a few little helpers. If you must know, these ickles' names are Kelly Ashcroft and Marigold Whitaker. Gryffindor also had a couple of dedicated players. Namely Quidditch veterans Rhiannon Green and Poppy Yates.
What? The enticing game happened months past and has since then been superseded by more... let's call them 'Momentous occasions', which some people are still trying to ignore into oblivion because they haven't mastered a good Memory Charm. But here is a summary collected from my remarkable memory:
Blood purist Endicus bribed Slytherin to take out muggleborn Wright, Toor and Gravenor had their own private Shuntbumps match on the ground (don't think dirty), Rhiannon had a case of pissed mother hen and took it out on Ashtray, Second years Kettlebum (Emory) and Ford Anglia (Connor) bromanced, the ugliest Thanrion and Andromeda Galaxy slept through the game, Poppy only woke up after she got smacked in the head, Tagnik'zur is a git, Wilson Webley displayed his attraction to the female gender by attacking Yates' robes, Karliah Whisp's name is excellent for nicknaming, Wright hit on me and Solstice stalked me, and more, but you shan't have it.
Instead, I will tell you this---and pay heed, Slytherins, for I will not repeat it (but I guess you can read it as many times as you want or whatever): twice a champion doesn't equal greatness. Moreover, this win wasn't even a team effort. A number of you Snakeskin-wearing Huffinclawdors were dead weight and absolutely abysmal on the pitch. So abysmal, in fact, that you are forcing me to compliment two of the most pain-in-the-arse Slytherins that I have ever had the displeasure of acquainting: Ashcroft and Whitaker who, at least, made valiant efforts to send Gryffindors to the Hospital Wing.
I present to you, then, but three of an infinite number of tips you would do to remember next time we play the rough sport.
THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR SLYTHERIN SUCCESS:
1. Friend or foe or useless sack of bacon you never glanced twice at in the corridors; show no mercy. You can kiss and kick and belittle after the game. Game time means bruise time. Besides, if your friend or foe can't take a simple concussion, then they are not worthy of their respective titles.
2. Train those muscles, hone those reflexes! Lift weights, run laps, get on that broom, pummel first years. Do something to bulk up during this cold war.
3. I will but repeat Slytherin Quidditch's motto. It is for you to imbibe and employ in your every venture. Heroes get remembered, legends never die.
QUIDDITCH - a reflection by Hank Chamberlain.
60 - 20.
80 - 40.
30 - 20.
These are the scores (prior to snitch points) of last year's quidditch games. And they look pretty good, right? Or at least, they'd look good if we had actually won them. But we didn't. We lost. All of them.
They were all painful arsewhoopings that would even make You-Know-Who cry, and they were shameful. An embarrassment. No number of punishment laps that Daniel Snyder and Phaedra Wayland assigned to the team could have done something to make it better. No one really knows what happened to derail the team so badly, but whatever it was, it was nasty and seemingly inescapable — kind of like the stench emanating from Urguy after taco night in the Great Hall.
SlythQuid can't be the only ones to blame though.
Who do we play for? You think it's all just selfish glory? We may not be self-righteous, horn-tooting Gryffindors who lay all their accomplishments at the feet of their superiors, but we don't want to let the house down, either. There is no house to let down though. Where are you guys? Why aren't you in the stands? Why aren't you there to cheer us on? It's even more shameful than our losses.
As this year's captain, I can promise to try and give you something to cheer for. But that doesn't mean crap if you're not there for us, too. So here's what we're going to do:
THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR QUIDDITCH SUCCESS:
1. Follow every single tip Vaughn Knightly wrote.
2. Don't let members of the team bring anything less than their A-Game to the breakfast table. Health, good grades, and making it to practice all help make for a more solid Slytherin Quidditch Team. Help your friends be the best they can be.
3. Come cheer us on at the games! Come cheer us on at practices! Come cheer us up after the games! Do you see the pattern here? House Unity, mates. It makes for a hell of a confidence boost.
DUELING - a reflection by Asia Chadwick.
The fact that only one member of Slytherin house made it into a dueling tournament final last year is simply unacceptable.
Most will have heard of either Juliet Rosier, Jodie Jaszczak, Silvia Banagher or Adora Crawford - four of the most formidable recent Slytherin graduates with their name engraved upon dueling tournament trophies. These individuals, who now pursue successful careers in either professional dueling or dueling instruction, were able to create and sustain a stellar reputation for Slytherin house during their time at our school. However, while Phaedra Wayland placed second the intermediate tier final last year and is clearly on her way to becoming one of the elite, the rest of Slytherin house performed appallingly last year and our esteemed graduates would be disgusted to learn of the erosion of their dueling legacy by sub-par Slytherin duelists.
Phaedra, keep on doing what you're doing. You are clearly an excellent Slytherin student. But for the rest of you, however, we have worked hard to bring you three simple tips - so that you, too, may one day taste success.
THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR DUELING SUCCESS:
1. Don't spend any time over thinking last year's failures. Get straight back into the dueling chamber - duelists don't improve by wallowing in self-pity!
2. Seek out the help of older students. Or, on second thoughts, seek out the help of Phaedra Wayland. She seems to be the only Slytherin duelist who knows what she's doing right now, after all.
3. Spend time looking at Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff's dueling tournament trophies in the trophy room. If inferior students can manage to place in the dueling tournament, superior Slytherins should have no problem being successful. Tell yourself this and get straight back to work in the chamber - you'll notice an immediate improvement.
So, there you have it, snakes! Make sure to follow The Parselmouth's top tips for success this year. Shackling will be inevitable for those who do not.
written by Vaughn Knightly, Henry Chamberlain and Asia Chadwick
