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Meet the Professors - Part Three: Urguy and Mendelssohn

Finally, Slytherins, The Parselmouth is proud to present to you the third and final installment of our Meet the Professors series! This time we’re looking at our last two Professors, Urguy and Mendelssohn. PROFESSOR URGUY URHGA GHARUGH AHGAR GHARUGH HGHAIR! These are the trivial sounds that one hears every time they cross the Hogwarts grounds, the new howl in the night that has ickle firsties shaking in their boots at the prospect of taking Care of Magical Creatures. Urguy. One name. Whether it's his first name or his last name, we can't exactly guess. We can't exactly be sure he can say it, because the man can barely string together an English sentence. There isn't even a record that he attended Hogwarts at all that this reporter can find. The only thing we know for certain, my fellow snakes and snakettes, is that Urguy is really, really good with animals. Despite the putrid stink of rotting Hippogriff flesh emanating off the creature that Weasley deemed fit to educate us, Professor Urguy has this inexplicable talent of making full flocks of Diricawls follow him. There's even been a rumor that he domesticated a Nundu, and learned how to communicate with dragons. Which must have been quite the feat, considering he can barely communicate with his own students. Urguy likes nonhumans. Urguy likes mud. But most of all, Urguy likes Urguy. He is the happiest clam of a caveman that the naked eye has ever seen, and if your olfactories can take it, you'll probably like him too. Plus, he's got a banging tree house in the Forest. 5 Galleons to the person who breaks into it first. PROFESSOR MENDELSSOHN Are plants really her best friends? Considering she teaches Herbology, anyone may hazard that guess. What really is the enigma behind Professor Mendelssohn? Maybe it’s the fact that ever since she started teaching Herbology, everyone and I mean everyone has started paying attention to a class that usually contains deadly plants that can strangle you when not handled properly. However, there is one thing we all agree on: she makes Herbology fun. Why? Because Professor Mendelssohn is cool. Just look at her. She dresses better than most of the other Professors at Hogwarts. She actually doesn’t look like an old lady and really, she isn't bad on the eyes. I would rather take lessons from a former professional Quidditch player than anyone else at this school. I also know that as a Slytherin she can probably use that beater's bat to hit anyone in the head when they aren't paying attention. That's reason enough to want to do well in her class. She is definitely the better looking of our new Herbology duo. Just how does she achieve those flawless curls? She probably uses the tears of the first years to get that glossy shine. Just appreciate that as Slytherins we have a fabulous Professor like her and, oh yeah, don't be late to her class. She'll let the devil's snare eat you. ————————– Well, that concludes The Parselmouth's three-piece on the wonderful Slytherin Professors! Please be aware that repeating any of the information contained within this article is entirely at your own risk - we doubt you'd want to be caught out plotting to invade Urguy's tree house, after all... written by Henry Chamberlain and Phaedra Wayland

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Meet the Professors - Part Two: James, Carter and Maesson

Hello again, Slytherins! We know you've been itching to read more about our fabulous Professors, so next up in our Meet the Professors series are Professors James and Carter and Mr. Maesson! PROFESSOR JAMES If there are two things about Professor James I think we can all agree on, it is that she's: 1. A bit of a mystery lady, and 2. Scary as bludgers. She's certainly not as transparent as, say, Professor Urguy, whose intentions (for a bloke that communicates in grunts) are fairly intelligible. And I dare any one person who has spent so much as five minutes with Professor James to deny her seemingly uncanny ability to read minds (actually, while uncommon, that ability would be called legilimency - but let’s not jump the wand here, folks, regardless of what the rumors may say). Aside from the above, Professor James is also notorious for her beauty - which is likely to strike a man (or woman) more venomously than a basilisk with 20/20 vision. She is the former head of the James Library and Wizarding Research Institute, which certain unnamed individuals might not mind working for in the future. She is the Dark Lady of Potions, perhaps even comparable to Severus Snape himself (but probably not). If you have ever found yourself admiring those legs of hers (I know I have) then I have two words for you: Quidditch Captain. Some claim that she used to be some sort of dueling Duchess back in the day, but these sources aren’t the most reliable. Still, less credible sources have provided me with a series of amusing but outrageous statements regarding their favorite Professor. Let’s just say this: ever wondered what Voldemort’s boggart was? PROFESSOR CARTER There are few words in the English language that would be appropriate enough to describe our mysterious substitute, Professor Carter. Some describe him as handsome, while others are quick to point out his receding hairline. Some describe him as highly dangerous, though we can assume his intimidating persona may relate to a strong dislike of children. Speaking of, we know that Professor Carter is the father of seventh year Slytherin prefect Isabella Carter, and is the rumored father of Magnus Carter - a Gryffindor, hence why it's merely a rumor. Other than that, however, we at The Parselmouth know very little about this Professor. Well, we do know one thing. But that's classified... MR. MAESSON For those who had forgotten the insignificance that is often seen prancing around the Quidditch pitch, understand this: we do not blame you. But please, do allow us to jog your memory out of nothing more than sheer obligation; he is part of Slytherin, after all. When it comes to Mr. Maesson, the simplest way to commit his presence to your memory is to first envision a centaur-esque unicorn. Now tone down on the remarkable characteristics of both creatures, include a few more ridges and folds of slackened skin around the areas of his eyes and neck and there you have it - the residential 'nyan cat' of Hogwarts. Starry-eyed students have often claimed that his skin sparkles in the sunlight but, here at The Parselmouth, we have discovered the truth: that's just his perspiration from thinking too hard about what to have for lunch. Careful not to hurt yourself, Mr. Maesson. Apart from his physical appearance, Mr. Maesson is also known for his flying lessons in the first year and term of your very own academic life and, despite everything, the most commendable achievement in his career remains to be his miniscule number of deaths. When not required around Hogwarts' grounds, Mr. Maesson can sometimes be spotted lending his expertise in Quidditch by announcing at games for various professional leagues. While official documents indicated 'single' for marital status, we believe Youdle - his beloved crup - may be more than just a pet. And on that note, we conclude our profile on Mr. Maesson. Sorry to break your hearts there, ladies (and gentlemen). ————————– Our final part of the Meet the Professors series, including none other than Professors Urguy and Mendelssohn, will appear inside the common room very soon. written by Vaughn Knightly, Asia Chadwick and Sebastian Snyder

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Meet the Professors - Part One: Wollice and Owens

Hello, readers! This is part one of a three part series on our wonderful Slytherin Professors! First up is the spectacular Arithmancy duo, Professors Wollice and Owens! PROFESSOR WOLLICE Some say she abuses her power. Some say she's not really a qualified teacher. Some say she has a trusty band of minions who she bullied into risking their lives to steal the House Cup from Gryffindor for her last term. But alas, only one thing is for certain - Professor Wollice is obsessed with numbers. Then again, that's what you'd expect from a curse breaker-turned Arithmancy teacher - and really, Professor Wollice's number obsession isn't all bad. Rumour has it that she jilted her ex-partner at the altar because his life path number didn't match up with hers, but I think that's a good thing. We are Slytherins, after all. We cannot settle for sub-par life partners. In addition to this, it is common knowledge that Professor Wollice and our last Head of House were having some sort of numbers feud prior to his disappearance - something to do with Professor Sheffield's birth number not being suited to positions of authority. Again, this is okay; Slytherin cannot settle for a poor Head of House. If Professor Sheffield's birth number wasn't up to scratch then it's a good job Professor Wollice was around to notice it. People should respect numbers more. Period. Aside from numbers, our wonderful Head of House has a number of other interests. Professor Wollice likes to dabble in wizard's chess and... okay, so maybe it's only numbers and wizard's chess. But does that matter? No! Professor Wollice is an excellent Head of House and a fantastic Arithmancy teacher, all because the numbers guide her accordingly. And this is all, my dear readers, that you need to know about her. PROFESSOR OWENS How do I even start with the wonder that is Professor Owens? Second in command of Slytherin and the Second Lady of Arithmancy, she has worked closely with Wollice to transform the glorious house of Salazar into an Arithmancy paradise. I doubt that was Salazar's vision for his house but I am sure he would have approved of the purity of Arithmancy, and who doesn't love some pi pie? In the classroom, her teaching methods are a bit unorthodox - a spray bottle, really?? But you can't deny that it gets results. Owens is truly one of the few effective professors at this school who actually teaches things and makes you learn it, versus babbling on about something random or talking to you without even making sure that you understand it. I've never had that with Owens and I'm totally not saying this because I'm the Arithmancy Assistant. Nope. She may lack Wollice's statuesque grace but Professor Owens makes up for it in personality and eagerness. Like I said earlier, she is truly a wonder. We are blessed to be graced with her presence and I hope that she stays at Hogwarts for a very long time, keeping up with the sacred tradition of bringing pi pie to every Slytherin event. ————————– Next up in our Meet the Professors series: Professors James and Carter and Mr. Maesson! written by Asia Chadwick and Alexis Endicus

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Introducing The Parselmouth

Introducing 'The Parselmouth' - Slytherin's new news source which covers all of Hogwarts' hard-hitting stories and gossip. The aim of The Parselmouth is very simple: to supply Slytherin house with essential (and not so essential, but humorous or interesting nonetheless) knowledge and gossip throughout the year. If you're reading these words, chances are you've picked up a slithering paper snake from the floor of the Slytherin common room. Good for you! Our charmed paper snakes will appear whenever there's a new story for you to read, allowing you to keep up-to-date with events as they happen at Hogwarts. The Parselmouth is written by Slytherins, for Slytherins. Working to head up The Parselmouth are our Head of House, Professor Wollice, and our faculty adviser, Professor Owens. Your current student editors are Asia Chadwick, Dante Denton and Taisce N. Tawni, all third years, and Henry Chamberlain, a fourth year. Your current writers are the aforementioned editors plus Alexis Endicus, Phaedra Wayland, Sebastian Snyder and Vaughn Knightly. Finally, sixth year Arieda Arlington is responsible for the production and distribution of The Parselmouth's paper snakes. We hope you will find information supplied by The Parselmouth's team useful and entertaining. For those of you who would be interested in joining our faculty in the future, we will be looking to recruit a selection of new writers at the beginning of each school year. Or for those of you who'd like to see a particular topic covered in The Parselmouth, we welcome all suggestions from our readers - simply let a faculty member know and it will be considered. This is your news source, after all. And there you have it! Make sure you keep up with The Parselmouth - written by Slytherins, for Slytherins.

written by Asia Chadwick