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[theparselmouthvh]

Numerology Horoscopes: Christmas Edition

As we in the noble house of Slytherin have all been made aware, Arithmancy is the undisputed best of the twelve subjects Hogwarts has to offer. It would therefore be nonsensical if we at The Parselmouth were to offer you horoscopes in accordance with your starsign when, as Professors Wollice and Owens have dutifully reminded us on many an occasion, your life path number does a far better job of foreseeing your future. For those of you whose lives are regretfully void of Arithmancy thus far, calculating your life path number is extremely easy. Take the numerical form of your date of birth - 22/06/2018 for me, for example - and add the digits together. This would leave me with a total of 21. You should then keep adding the digits together until you arrive at a single number: 2+1 is 3, therefore my life path number is 3. Simple! So, now you're aware of how to calculate your life path number, I present to you - The Parselmouth's first set of numerology horoscopes! Interested to find out how your Christmas will go before it's even begun? Read on!

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 1

The number one is a lot of things. The first. The top. The best. But remember, Ones. Christmas is a time for family, friends and - most important of all - equality. Selfishness will not serve you well this Christmas time and you would be wise to change your attitude if you want to avoid disaster.

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 2

Oh, Two. You're quite the perfectionist, aren't you? Not to worry - your Christmas Day will certainly go smoothly this year. You'll get the presents you asked Santa for, your Christmas dinner won't burn to a crisp (yes, even if it's done so for the last five Christmases) and you might even find a certain someone underneath the mistletoe this year. Lucky you!

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 3

It is often said that Threes are the most caring individuals of all and this quality is no better observed than at Christmas time. You needn't worry about your family and friends disliking the presents you've chosen for them; it's clear you've put a lot of thought into selecting each and every gift, even if they aren't the most conventional of choices. If only it could be guaranteed that you'd get back offerings of the same standard...

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 4

That Christmas to-do list is a bit long, isn't it, Four? You might normally be an excellent organiser but it's obvious you won't finish organising Christmas in time if you aren't a bit more selective about what you're willing to take on. Can't you just buy everyone some sweets and be done with it? No? Well, don't blame us if you can't buy all your presents in time...

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 5

It's extremely common knowledge that Fives are often thrillseekers, and Christmas will certainly be an adrenaline-filled one for most Fives this year. Whether you're experiencing Christmas in another country, trying out a new and exciting hobby over the holidays or even participating in the customary adrenaline-inducing late-night Christmas Eve emergency present shopping, this year's Christmas will be nothing short of thrilling for you.

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 6

We all know that Sixes often like to give advice, selflessly putting others before themselves in any given situation. But this Christmas, Six, it would be wise to put yourself first for a change. You'll probably stop enjoying Christmas if you don't start thinking about number one for a change; we wouldn't want you to turn into a wizarding version of the muggle Scrooge, would we?!

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 7

A strong sense of intuition is what sets you apart from your peers, Seven. Use it to guide your decision-making this Christmas time for a positive, fun-filled holiday.

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 8

Your unmatched ambition and determination, Eight, may be your downfall this Christmas. Trying to make this year's Christmas the best Christmas ever might sound promising in theory, but... well, it might not work in practice. Unless all your past Christmases have been terrible - in which case you're probably on to a winner! Good luck.

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 9

Nines are often considered to have an elevated responsibility to helping and preserving mankind, so it is certain that you will make a well thought-out and selfless contribution to society this Christmas. You could help out by volunteering somewhere, helping the homeless, donating some of your presents to less fortunate children or... whatever else you can think of! Christmas is as much of a time for giving as it is receiving and the world is fortunate to have Nines like you who realise it. written by Asia Chadwick

[theparselmouthvh]

Abby vs. Magic: School Supplies

Although Muggles might be considered almost barbaric for their lack of magic, one can also say that Hogwarts is horribly, horribly behind on a few things. Particularly, school supplies. The list includes, but is of course not limited to, writing utensils, paper, and books. Writing with a quill and ink on parchment paper is beautiful. It's a classic, old-fashioned sort of writing form that, usually, involves some kind of lovely calligraphy.That's beautiful and gorgeous, yes, but it's also horribly inconvenient. The ink is bulky and it spills easily. Quills get bent funny if you put them in your bag wrong. Parchment is loose, so there's always the chance of losing something or the papers getting all sorts of out of order. So let me introduce you to some beautiful muggle inventions that can fix those: pens, pencils, and notebooks! Muggles have created pens and pencils as writing utensils. Pens are similar to quills, except the inkwell is already attached to the pen and the student doesn't need to keep constantly dipping the quill and ink. The best bonus that pens have, though, is that most kinds don't smudge! No more losing your notes because your hand moved over the ink too soon! Pencils, on the other hand, are the perfect tools for people who either have horrible handwriting or who constantly misspell words. They're erasable and most brands come with their own erasers so you don't even have to buy them separately. Notebooks, used loosely here as a term for something that holds papers that can be used to write notes in, come in almost more variety than pens and pencils. There are spiral notebooks, composition notebooks, and binders -- all things that are so much better than loose parchment everywhere. Most notebook paper is lined and there's really no way to lose a single sheet unless you really wanted to and all your notes get to stay in the order you wrote them. Books are also insanely unnecessary, now that muggles have created eBooks and tablets! Thousands of books inside a thin piece of technology that slips in right beside your notebooks and barely weighs like anything -- how can you go wrong, right? Of course, there's also the issue of the fact that technology doesn't work at Hogwarts, but that is a whole other article on its own. Long story short, Hogwarts' school supplies could be insanely improved by the implementation of a few muggle products. written by Abigail Goodfellow

[theparselmouthvh]

The Chamber of Secrets: Flamel Edition

Secrets. Rumors. Lies. Ridiculous truths. Believable falsehoods. The existence of Urguy’s shower. What’s real? What isn’t? Slytherins are a secretive bunch and -- once the scales are stripped away -- the whole House is teeming with juicy gossip. Absolutely nothing is sacred, and everything is up for grabs: the Chamber of Secrets has officially been opened, and the gossip is pouring out. Dedicated followers of gossip will notice that the Rumor Wall, a staple of Hogwarts for over a year now, has recently been scrubbed clean. This is obviously in compliance with Educational Decree No. 51, as issued by Headmistress Lamel—sorry, Flamel. Assorted management of the Rumor Wall will no doubt take aggressive action. But, for now, in honor of our fallen Rumor Wall, this edition will be a special Headmistress edition! UNVERIFIED RUMORS 1. Headmistress Flamel uses the tears of First Years in her secret potion brewing. Ickles beware -- she is especially fond of hiding in the shadows on stair landings, in order to snatch unsuspecting passers-by. 2. Headmistress Flamel’s patronus is a Dementor. She’s here to suck the fun from your souls. 3. Headmistress Flamel hates cats and eats filet of feline every Thursday night. VERIFIED RUMORS 1. Headmistress Flamel’s knickers are bright pink and quite itchy. These were displayed in the Great Hall. Rumors continue to circulate about the rest of her choices in undergarments. Are they sequined? This writer is determined to find out. 2. Headmistress Flamel was kissed by our vampiric Prefect, Vaughn Knightly. Both will die soon. Watch closely for signs of impending gangrene around the mouth area. 3. Headmistress Flamel is so fond of shackles because she is personally frightened of heights. Ten points to anyone who can push her off the Astronomy Tower. 4. Headmistress Flamel never bathes, which is why she always reeks of mildew and old potion ingredients. For shame, Headmistress. 5. Headmistress Flamel is a hundred and two years old, and has broken all three of her hips four times. Four times three is twelve. Twelve is divisible by four, which equals three. Three numbers. 666. Flamel = Illuminati CONFIRMED. Is she a demon? A mummy? Just a really, really old lady? Or perhaps a reanimated skeleton? Headmistress Flamel is a mystery bundled in an enigma and swaddled in secrets. However, this much is clear: the Chamber of Secrets isn’t going to rest until every last secret has been displayed for all of Hogwarts to see and ridicule. Keep reading, dedicated followers of the Parselmouth! Gossip awaits! written by Marigold Whitaker

[theparselmouthvh]

We Thought We’d Got Rid of Them?!: An Interview with Adora Crawford

Adora Crawford. The name ought to ring more than a few bells and, as a student clad in green and silver, it is imperative that you know the former prefect and the legacy she has left behind. A dueling prodigy, Ms. Crawford is a figure you want fighting on your side, not against. Following the fateful events that concluded last year, here at The Parselmouth we have taken a moment to address the important issue of self-defense. Joining us over tea in Hogsmeade, Ms. Crawford took time out of her busy schedule managing her very own dueling gym to offer some valuable advice you would be wise to follow. -------------------------- Q: Nice to meet you, Ms. Crawford. Thank you for taking the time to have this interview with us. A: My pleasure, Mr. Snyder and Miss Chadwick. Q: How have you been all these years post-graduation? A: I’ve been very well, thank you. I spent the first six months after my graduation in Germany, learning as much as I could from some of the country’s top dueling coaches. It was an extremely valuable experience, to say the very least. Even if I’ve since managed to outskill all of them. Q: That's very impressive! Now, we’re sure life has been keeping you busy, especially with a dueling gym to manage. Would you mind telling us more about that? A: Well, three of the coaches I met in Germany decided to come and visit me in England not long after I returned home. They seemed to like it here so I offered to find them accommodation and, once they’d each obtained the relevant visa, we decided to set up the gym to offer our dueling expertise to other people. The majority of our business is one-on-one sessions with adults but we also offer beginner classes for ten to eleven year olds on Saturdays. Obviously we don’t teach them actual magic, just the theory and basics of dueling in preparation for their start at whichever magic school they’ve been accepted to. We’ve recently started to offer self-defense classes, following the unfortunate events that occurred at Hogwarts last year, and in July we’re also intending to run our first six week summer camp for seventeen and eighteen year old students who are considering pursuing a professional dueling career. It’s a very time-consuming but extremely rewarding job. Q: And speaking of events that transpired at your alma mater last year, what were your thoughts when you heard about the news? A: I wish I could tell you that my first thought was one of utter shock, but it was most certainly not. The events of last year do not represent the first time Headmaster Weasley couldn’t prevent an unfortunate incident taking place within Hogwarts’ boundaries - for example, the deaths of both Professors Ferne and Roth and the kidnapping of over a dozen students midway through my fourth year also occurred under his name. His disappearance over the summer is perhaps the best thing that has happened to Hogwarts school in recent years. Q: Indeed, we have heard much of them since the incident as well. At the moment, while Weasley has been removed from his post, many remain with their fingers pointed at the Aurors on their apparent inefficiency, given the insufficient speed of the rescue. Others believe that if students had been better trained in defending themselves in these situations, we might have been able to avoid such disastrous consequences. As an expert in this area, and a non-Auror who can offer an objective judgement, do you have any tips you could share with us on self-defense? A: At the end of the day, an individual has to be sufficiently motivated to react to an attacker in an efficient and effective manner. From what I’ve heard about the students who were attacked by their classmates, however, it appears that the majority of Hogwarts’ pupils are hesitant to defend themselves against their peers. To put it another way, the students who were unable to defend themselves were too overcome by their own pathetic emotions to react effectively - and this is disappointing, especially when it also applies to Slytherin students. Thus, I would offer the following advice - trust no one. If somebody puts you in danger, no matter who they are, you must treat them as the sole threat to your life in that moment. A ‘friend’ who is trying to physically harm you is no friend, only an attacker. And as for the fate experienced by Miss Ward, a similar point applies. Do not allow fear to compromise your existence, no matter how terrifying the creature you’re facing may be. Q: And for the sake of our younger readers, what would you advise if they encounter someone, or something, much stronger than they can manage? A: Whether a person feels motivated to fight or flee is entirely dependent on the situation they’re facing. But, as I’ve already said, you should never show fear. Most creatures of both magical and non-magical nature can smell fear on a person. Likewise, human attackers are often motivated to continue when they sense that their target is scared. Fear is, like emotion, a weakness. Then again, isn’t this interview for a newspaper which is only ever seen by Slytherin eyes? I would expect members of the noble house of Slytherin to understand this already. Q: Finally, with regards to your success in dueling, are there any dueling routines you live by that you would recommend for someone who would like to follow in your footsteps? A: I’m hesitant to answer this question with a long-winded explanation of several dueling strategies which might or might not help a multitude of individuals. As far as I’m concerned, students who are looking into pursuing a professional dueling career, or indeed taking a step up from that and pursuing a career in coaching professional duelists like me, need to experience failure in order to understand success. If you want to be successful, try ten different methods of learning the same spell. In failing at four and finding that one of the other six took less time than the others, you’ve found your method for learning spells for life. Also, don’t be afraid to try something new and unorthodox that your classmates think you’re mad for even considering. If it doesn’t work for them it might still work better for you. Q: That’s great advice. I think that’s all we have to ask for now. Thank you once again for joining us, Ms. Crawford. A: Not a problem, you two. And to anybody with the correct composition of blood who might be reading this, do feel free to contact me with any questions you might have about dueling or self-defense. written by Asia Chadwick and Sebastian Snyder, with Adora Crawford 

[theparselmouthvh]

Welcome Back, Slytherins! P.S: You Suck.

In all honesty, you guys sucked last year. We lost the House cup, we lost the Quidditch cup... the only thing we really won was Shuntbumps and even that was a disaster! So, in honour of ensuring Slytherin house is the best it can possibly be this year, we at The Parselmouth have compiled a reflection on last year and present to you an array of (COMPULSORY!!) tips for success in the future. SHUNTBUMPS - a reflection by Vaughn Knightly. We have all heard about it (if you haven't, I suggest you ask someone to lift that disorientating charm that's been placed on you), but what is it? The short version; snakelets and lion cubs take to the air and attempt to knock one another off their brooms using a combination of Quidditch fouls and spells. The long version; snakelets and lion cubs take to the air and attempt to knock one another off their brooms using a combination of Quidditch fouls and spells. But you may still ask; what - when - where - who - huh? Well, let's start with the when. It was first hosted at Hogwarts in the 28/29 school year by—who? The legendary Adora Crawford and Twila Wilde. It wasn't hosted again until April last term by our very own Alexis Endicus and Gryffindor's Prettiest Thanrion Twin a.k.a Elarinya Thanrion. Where? If you can't guess, then you are not fit to read this article. Huh? Slytherin won, of course. I would say thanks to yours truly but that would sound awfully smug of me, so I will just be smug and say thanks to me and a few little helpers. If you must know, these ickles' names are Kelly Ashcroft and Marigold Whitaker. Gryffindor also had a couple of dedicated players. Namely Quidditch veterans Rhiannon Green and Poppy Yates. What? The enticing game happened months past and has since then been superseded by more... let's call them 'Momentous occasions', which some people are still trying to ignore into oblivion because they haven't mastered a good Memory Charm. But here is a summary collected from my remarkable memory: Blood purist Endicus bribed Slytherin to take out muggleborn Wright, Toor and Gravenor had their own private Shuntbumps match on the ground (don't think dirty), Rhiannon had a case of pissed mother hen and took it out on Ashtray, Second years Kettlebum (Emory) and Ford Anglia (Connor) bromanced, the ugliest Thanrion and Andromeda Galaxy slept through the game, Poppy only woke up after she got smacked in the head, Tagnik'zur is a git, Wilson Webley displayed his attraction to the female gender by attacking Yates' robes, Karliah Whisp's name is excellent for nicknaming, Wright hit on me and Solstice stalked me, and more, but you shan't have it. Instead, I will tell you this---and pay heed, Slytherins, for I will not repeat it (but I guess you can read it as many times as you want or whatever): twice a champion doesn't equal greatness. Moreover, this win wasn't even a team effort. A number of you Snakeskin-wearing Huffinclawdors were dead weight and absolutely abysmal on the pitch. So abysmal, in fact, that you are forcing me to compliment two of the most pain-in-the-arse Slytherins that I have ever had the displeasure of acquainting: Ashcroft and Whitaker who, at least, made valiant efforts to send Gryffindors to the Hospital Wing. I present to you, then, but three of an infinite number of tips you would do to remember next time we play the rough sport. THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR SLYTHERIN SUCCESS: 1. Friend or foe or useless sack of bacon you never glanced twice at in the corridors; show no mercy. You can kiss and kick and belittle after the game. Game time means bruise time. Besides, if your friend or foe can't take a simple concussion, then they are not worthy of their respective titles. 2. Train those muscles, hone those reflexes! Lift weights, run laps, get on that broom, pummel first years. Do something to bulk up during this cold war. 3. I will but repeat Slytherin Quidditch's motto. It is for you to imbibe and employ in your every venture. Heroes get remembered, legends never die. QUIDDITCH - a reflection by Hank Chamberlain. 60 - 20. 80 - 40. 30 - 20. These are the scores (prior to snitch points) of last year's quidditch games. And they look pretty good, right? Or at least, they'd look good if we had actually won them. But we didn't. We lost. All of them. They were all painful arsewhoopings that would even make You-Know-Who cry, and they were shameful. An embarrassment. No number of punishment laps that Daniel Snyder and Phaedra Wayland assigned to the team could have done something to make it better. No one really knows what happened to derail the team so badly, but whatever it was, it was nasty and seemingly inescapable — kind of like the stench emanating from Urguy after taco night in the Great Hall. SlythQuid can't be the only ones to blame though. Who do we play for? You think it's all just selfish glory? We may not be self-righteous, horn-tooting Gryffindors who lay all their accomplishments at the feet of their superiors, but we don't want to let the house down, either. There is no house to let down though. Where are you guys? Why aren't you in the stands? Why aren't you there to cheer us on? It's even more shameful than our losses. As this year's captain, I can promise to try and give you something to cheer for. But that doesn't mean crap if you're not there for us, too. So here's what we're going to do: THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR QUIDDITCH SUCCESS: 1. Follow every single tip Vaughn Knightly wrote. 2. Don't let members of the team bring anything less than their A-Game to the breakfast table. Health, good grades, and making it to practice all help make for a more solid Slytherin Quidditch Team. Help your friends be the best they can be. 3. Come cheer us on at the games! Come cheer us on at practices! Come cheer us up after the games! Do you see the pattern here? House Unity, mates. It makes for a hell of a confidence boost. DUELING - a reflection by Asia Chadwick. The fact that only one member of Slytherin house made it into a dueling tournament final last year is simply unacceptable. Most will have heard of either Juliet Rosier, Jodie Jaszczak, Silvia Banagher or Adora Crawford - four of the most formidable recent Slytherin graduates with their name engraved upon dueling tournament trophies. These individuals, who now pursue successful careers in either professional dueling or dueling instruction, were able to create and sustain a stellar reputation for Slytherin house during their time at our school. However, while Phaedra Wayland placed second the intermediate tier final last year and is clearly on her way to becoming one of the elite, the rest of Slytherin house performed appallingly last year and our esteemed graduates would be disgusted to learn of the erosion of their dueling legacy by sub-par Slytherin duelists. Phaedra, keep on doing what you're doing. You are clearly an excellent Slytherin student. But for the rest of you, however, we have worked hard to bring you three simple tips - so that you, too, may one day taste success. THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR DUELING SUCCESS: 1. Don't spend any time over thinking last year's failures. Get straight back into the dueling chamber - duelists don't improve by wallowing in self-pity! 2. Seek out the help of older students. Or, on second thoughts, seek out the help of Phaedra Wayland. She seems to be the only Slytherin duelist who knows what she's doing right now, after all. 3. Spend time looking at Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff's dueling tournament trophies in the trophy room. If inferior students can manage to place in the dueling tournament, superior Slytherins should have no problem being successful. Tell yourself this and get straight back to work in the chamber - you'll notice an immediate improvement. So, there you have it, snakes! Make sure to follow The Parselmouth's top tips for success this year. Shackling will be inevitable for those who do not. written by Vaughn Knightly, Henry Chamberlain and Asia Chadwick