#venting ivory

[ivorydragoncat]

I hate how seeing other Rocky x Canon ships infuriates me to no end.

By all laws of respect, fandom etiquette, and trying not to be hypocritical, they shouldn't. Yet they do.

Part of it is obviously that it's not just that I have my own, but that I, the irl person, is down bad for him. So whenever I see it with other people's characters, knowing they're likely selfships makes me feel like they're stealing "my" love from me. Or worse; that Rocky is cheating on me... which is honestly peak stupidity and toxic thinking. He's not even real.

But I have the feelings regardless. I can't appreciate other Rocky x Oc, and especially not Rocky x Self-insert, ships because it makes me outright angry. And I just feel so bad about it...

Something something learning to control my emotions and something something I gotta get over myself and separate fiction from reality and so on. Sure.

But here's the extra layer; I'm trying to do reality shifting (google it), so I've literally created a Desired Reality where I am Cecyl and I'm together with Rocky, and that makes it so much more real as I connect more and more to my DR (which btw is essentially just the fic AU but I'm Cecyl).

This is why C is both a self-insert and also not; they're what I've decided I want to be in the Lackadaisy universe.

So... I can't exactly do anything about it other than avoid those other ships... but I can't exactly do anything about my feelings either.

NOTE: This is in no way meant to make anyone feel bad about also doing selfships, nor am I shitting on anyone's work/calling mine superior - absolutely not lol. There are so many that are very cute and I know for a fact I'd be all over them if I wasn't in love with Rocky myself.

Is any of this healthy? Any good? No, absolutely not. Can I change it? Also no. Is this just a complain/vent? Yeah... lmk if anyone else has a similar experience, I'd love to know I'm not alone in these types of feelings...

Anyway, I'm currently reworking the fic. If anyone cares. Ch. 1, 2, and 3 will be polished and updated on Ao3 by the end of this Christmas season.

Appreciate if you read all the way through :3

[ivorydragoncat]

Chapter 8 is almost finished! Just needs some final polish.

But it might take a while cause my life is currently really difficult, everything bad seems to be going down at once. I recently went to a funeral for my grandma and tomorrow I'm going to the funeral of a friend's mom.

Oh and my soulmate just went to the ER for heart pain. The paramedics didn't find anything worrying but he's going in to be checked on anyway. So yeah. That's fucking great 🙃

[ivorydragoncat]

First time at a party (besides family gatherings, I don’t count those) in a long ass time.

I've just become so very gravely aware of how introverted I truly am, and has likely been for ages. I've tried my entire life to build friendships, and only .5 out of 10 have stuck around, I've always pretended to be social and outgoing - I really am not. I am so much more comfortable on my own or with one of the same like 5 people. If I am going to be in any slightly larger group, the max is like 6 and I better know them all well or I break real quick.

I hate it.

I am also someone currently looking for new connections, preferably of the romantic kind. But how... how tf do you find someone like that if the prospect of meeting anyone new and getting close to them itself scares the shit out of me?

I already feel like I have too many friends in my life, many of whom I end up unintentionally neglecting cause I 1 forget and 2 don't feel like asking them when I can have a way better time with someone I already know

Anyway I'm gonna go home soon I think.

[ivorydragoncat]

"It's a shame" - A poem/story/rant

---*---

I hate when my mind sears my insides, ignoring consent and consistency

It walks the path of ignorance, tempting me with sinister whispers of a dark world I don't dare believe in but cannot let go of

In these times a demon rests in my chest, plaguing me to give in. To blame. To hurt. To admit.

And as much as I wish to ignore it

Barring ripping my own chest out and laying it cold on the surgery table to examine its seemingly ordinary shape

It will not give in unless I look at it.

If I face my problems head on they become real

They are suddenly me. Then I admit.

But I can admit without hurting or blaming. I can stare the demon in the eye, admit that its part of me, yet reject it.

I refuse

So it sears my insides, day in and day out, whenever the world around me turns to blotches of jealousy and selfishness

I can always walk through it. Touch the walls, ignore the veritable black mold that taints my existence

I can take the searing pain for what it is.

Pain.

Pain and nothing more, nothing less. Because that is as much as I can give in. If I listen to the demon too closely

I become it

I wish to get rid of it. But since I lack the capacity to rip my body out from itself and scrutinise it under a fluorescent lamp to get a confession, and live to tell the tale..

All I can do

Is survive, and let it sear me until I'm all crisp, and ready to be fed to the monsters. But then I die a hero of resistance and end up as home-cooked meal for the things that feed on a weak mind, what keeps the world churning behind closed doors

There are worse ways to go...

[ivorydragoncat]

Been quiet for a bit here. Haven't been doing too much fandom related stuff I suppose. After chapter 3 of LD finished I sort of felt a bit of a release, that one was a tough nut to crack. And as much as I felt satisfied with chapter 3, when I published it I was also left feeling... deflated. Idk. I'm having trouble starting chapter 4 cause I feel like no one is interested and actually wants to see it.

Yes I know that's a pretty vain and maybe unhealthy way of thinking about writing, but... I am an entertainer at heart. I want people to see my work, I want to make others happy and have a good time with the things I create. So yeah it is a little shallow, and I admit that.

And yes yes ik I'm tiny on here and Ao3 and I just got started, the fanfic has barely been going for a few months. But I feel deflated nonetheless... I think I just gotta pull myself up by the bootstraps and get going and not worry, but it's hard.

Anyway I'll be doing some magic related shenanigans soon, I've got a commission in the works and I'll be making some posts about Rain World cause I need the help of the fandom to process and understand the story. See ya'll soon!

[ivorydragoncat]

I seem to once again find myself unwittingly visited by the four horsemen of the friend-pocalypse:

Jealousy, Possessiveness, Loneliness and Insecurity. Let's see what the story is this time.

---*---

Hooves stomp in a marching tantrum

Ramming sense out from an addled heart

I doubt you are to entertain what heights of frightful fancy I reach when the abyss calls, once more. As...

History threatens to replay imaginarium its sullied pace, and traumatic vistas linger, heavy with guilt, on my chest...

Like a mare of the night

But to fear the reaper is to fear life in kind; it is wanton cruelty self-made in ancestral imagery.

This is bound by love, and sodomised by obsession. As it turns out...

I don't think you a devil wandering forlorn in my mind's hellish desert;

Your horns lament a fierce stewardship of justice, your grin what drinks the blood of my enemies, your claws rip tear what confines me here, rip tear those who would seek to confine me at all.

Alas, you have overstayed your welcome. Your force now multiplied, you crash onto well trodden ground and you tell naught apart foe from friend, danger from safety, ally from enemy. Me from myself.

A parasite. Crawled into my baby years, sowing dreams of toxic fruition, asking me to bite the poisoned apple once its twigs no longer supported it.

My teeth grinding themselves to dust on it's fragile surface, the poison slipping in through my gums.

Hooves are heard in the distance

I resign myself a slave to insanity once again, then everything fades to dust

[ivorydragoncat]

I've gone ahead and pulled a fast one with my fanfic.

Let's see if anyone notices!

Also about my vent regarding re-reading my work? Well I just did and I'm about to crash out over my own writing... there will definitely come a revised version of all of these at some point, cause good lord I know I can do so much better...

The sentences, the structure, the pacing, the perspective... uuuuughhhh I'm just proving my previous vent post true ffs

[ivorydragoncat]

I need to remember to not immediately and repeatedly go back and read the stuff I've published... I just now too a peak at Lavender Dance ch. 1 and I had to stop cause I saw SO many things I wanted to change. Entire sentences I want to replace. But at some point you have to decide something is finished and let it go, for the time being at least... As I improve my writing and the stuff I create take shape and progress, I will most likely eventually want to revisit my earlier work. I have already done that with a lot of unpublished stuff.

But the thing is, I know I'll never truly improve unless I do new things, unless I write out of passion and not self-destructive scrutiny. If I keep going back and updating everything, it gets stale. Few people are interested in reading the same thing twice, even with a new coat of paint - only ones who re-read fiction seems to be the truly devoted fans. I have yet to acquire any of those as far as I know.

Chapter 2 releases tomorrow. I have made a solemn vow to myself to not look at it until then, and even so I will not be re-reading it for quite some time. It needs to be allowed to stew, to become established, to be seen and criticised or applauded. But even if I read it again in the near future and I see a billion faults, I will stay my hand and move on. Because I can't improve unless I progress.

And there is no progressing if all I do is try to polish the trash I feel I leave behind me, when no one cares to look twice no matter how polished it is. If I return to rewrite my work, it is for myself only. An exercise in realising my own improvement, my new perspectives. Perhaps I find that it is new and different enough to tell the story again, who knows, but that will not be the aim of such an exercise.

For now, I'll just keep progressing and improving I think

Work on chapter 3 begins this weekend