#very tw

[on-fic-writing-spree]

Random Drabble Cause Angst And I Got Bored

It hadn't seemed like a big deal at first, Roman making some silly jokes about how Virgil acted childish sometimes. But slowly, and surely, it escalated. Small arguments ending with "You're acting like a child, Virgil! Grow up!" which would send Virgil in silent anger, taking off crying. And Roman knew better than to run after him, that things would work out eventually. It wasn't often the fought, and when they did, normally Roman would turn down the heat or turn the air conditioning too high so Virg would get cold and ask for cuddles. But that didn't seem to be the deal this time. "Maybe I should, Roman!" he answered harshly. "Maybe I am just a baby. Too stupid and weak to do anything for themselves, maybe you're right," his voice faltered some. "Maybe that's why you always try to protect me, maybe I am just in the way. . ." And Roman, looking to his as his heart shattered in his chest realized one thing. Virgil was vulnerable. He was the most vulnerable. The things he said really did hurt him. And when he kept things from him because he was too scared to hurt or worry Virgil? It only made things worse. He could see Virgil was crying now and his heart shattered more. He moved closer and opened his arms for a hug, to which, Virgil almost immediately flinched away from. "I-I'm sorry, d-don't h-hurt me," he spat out quickly, shutting his eyes and quickly putting up his arms up to protect himself. Roman remembered that Virgil hadn't always been in the greatest of relationships. Hugs were voodoo when someone was mad. His wrists showed slightly. There were scars, looking recent and deep. And they spelled out words for the most part. 'Burden' 'baby' 'useless' 'worthless' all engraved into his wrists. Roman hadn't noticed them before. He frowned and teared up slightly, taking Virgil's hand and rolling up his sleeve. Virgil flinched some more and looked away, laughing some. "I guess. . . I guess I r-really am a b-baby. You c-can't leave me out of y-your site without me d-doing something like this." "Virgil, how long?" Roman asked. Virgil went silent. He couldn't even remember how long it'd been. Weeks? No, more for sure. Months? Maybe even a year. . . "V-Virgil I-I-" Roman swallowed, trying to keep his heart out of his throat. "I never meant t-to hurt you," he said. "Please answer me," he sounded desperate. "I-I'm sorry, Ro-Ro. . ." he looked up to him. "I wish I could've been b-better for you." And with that, he took back his arm and walked away, going to hide back in his room.

[sylvia-collective]

Can any mutuals please pm us?? Or if we know each other? Ya know what I mean?

Please help us get through this hellfest

[hyphenatedmess]

i spent the weekend stewing in flashbacks and awful memories and wondering why i had to endure that hell, but then after my therapy session today... i don’t know. i switched back to my previous trauma state: being certain i’m making it up. i spent a couple years suppressing all of this shit and when it would pop up in my head, i was like “nah, that never happened.” last fall i started admitting it was real. but it was just this amorphous blob of awful. just like “yes that relationship was abusive.” but as time goes on and as i do trauma work, i’m able to pick out moments, events, specifics. that’s the problem with having a trauma that lasted a couple years. there’s too much of it. and now having all this stuff flooding my head, i’m afraid that i’m making too much of it. i’m afraid i’m making something of nothing. i’ve kind of teased out what’s real, what definitely happened. but when i think about how i felt back then... i wasn’t on high alert all the time. i know that it was a slow process of manipulation, brainwashing, gaslighting, stockholm syndrome or whatever. but sometimes i think of things that i agreed to. there’s a lot of stuff that i never said no to. i always get this twinge when i’m watching a tv show or something and someone asks a rape victim if they said no. i didn’t say no to her most of the time. not just with sex. with everything. i feel like i can’t put so much blame on her when i went along with it. a lot of it is what i wanted. a relationship where i could stay in bed all day and she’d bring me food and alcohol and drugs and i just had to go outside if i wanted a cigarette and i didn’t have to interact with anyone except my girlfriend? that’s the dream, right? why do i now think it was some awful thing? how was i a victim? and she was miserable too. we were both miserable. sometimes i wonder what she thinks when she thinks of me.

something else i’ve been thinking about today - when i was dating jesse a couple years ago, my roommates were very involved. when things were getting unhealthy and bad, they ran her off. nia told me that she was being my watchdog. she said some of our other friends had asked her to keep abreast of the situation, the relationship. they didn’t want me to get into another abusive relationship, and the first thing that had happened with ren was that i cut allllll of my other friends out of my life. no one knew how bad things were because no one was around. i hate this idea that i can’t take care of myself. i can’t keep relationships from going off the rails. i think that’s part of why i’m isolating so much right now. i’m trying to prove that i can live without my friends propping me up. right now i feel helpless. 

i think i’m gonna throw up.

[queermicah]

constantly swinging between wanting to die and trying to make my life better. i'm sick of this

[chomayo]

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chomaiyo was talking about how his chrome didnt work for days and then he opened it during the housou and suddenly it worked.. (but after this he realized it was still bugging)