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Abby vs. Magic: Animal Cruelty

As a second year, Transfiguration teaches you how to turn animate objects into inanimate objects. And it sounds super cool, it really does. I like the idea of being able to turn things into other things -- isn't that what magic is all about? And yet, although my professor explained that the animals are not harmed in the teaching of students during Transfiguration, he added that it is only if the magic is done correctly. What if the magic isn't done correctly? What if a second year decides to take a mouse home and practice with it in their dormitory? And messes up? Horribly? And the mouse ends up with an eraser for the bottom half of its body? Or worse, the top half of its body? Does it count as animal cruelty to have twelve year olds learn how to turn animals into magic? Does anyone care? As human beings, it is our duty to protect animals who cannot speak for themselves. To be the metaphorical Lorax for the animals put through years of abuse so snotty twelve year olds can turn them into erasers! We should demand proper security for the animals used in classes so that no student could accidentally walk away with an animal and turn it into half an eraser, because no one wants to be half an eraser, not even Mickey. written by Abigail Goodfellow

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The Chamber of Secrets: Professor Edition

The new school year has begun, and with it came the reappearance of the Rumor Wall for the third consecutive year. Students of all ages and houses have been flocking to the wall to tell the school what their friends have been up to, who they've been snogging, and who has been cheating on their homework. But what isn't the wall telling us? What secrets are the students of Hogwarts still keeping to themselves? Forget about the students. What are our Professors hiding? UNVERIFIED RUMORS 1. Professor James (Sl) is a boggart "trapped in human form". Recently added to the Rumor Wall by an anonymous source, and possibly the only believable piece of gossip to date, many students have agreed that this rumor is highly likely. One student, who pleaded to remain anonymous, even told us that "Professor James could probably kill you with just a look. She makes you feel like you could never be happy again." It is safe to say that the general consensus is that Professor James is indeed a boggart trapped in human form, as our anonymous source brought to light. We at The Parselmouth implore all Slytherin students to help free Professor James and return her to her original boggart form. This can be done through use of the simple "Riddikulus" charm. 2. Professor Gawkrodger (Hu) exclusively wears ladies' undergarments. Rather unsurprising. 3. Professor Qin (Hu) is an illegal animagus in the form of a large canary. Whilst this seems rather unlikely (surely Professor Qin would be a much more exotic bird?), several fifth years "swore on Merlin" that they had seen their Care of Magical Creatures professor transform into the large yellow bird on Thursday night. No word yet from the Professor herself. VERIFIED RUMORS 1. Professor Grimsby (Ra) set about claiming several professors' offices not long into the new term. Many students were seen waving large flags and screaming "Grimtopia" about the castle halls. 2. Professor James (Sl) attempted to drown a number of young students upon learning that they were attempting to claim the Potions office in the name of the aforementioned "Grimtopia". No students were (gravely) injured. 3. Professor Fawley (Ra) was spotted casting a Knockback Jinx at a first year Gryffindor in her office on the night of the Grimtopia invasion. Again, nobody seems to have been harmed. 4. Professor Dotchev (Gr) brought his infant daughter to his third lesson with his new first years. Professor, please note that first years are a terrible option for free babysitters. It seems that many of our beloved Professors break as many rules as the students do. Continue to snog in broom closets and cheat on your homework, and keep your eyes open, Slytherins! written by Kayla Kedzierski

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Classwork 101: Homework Tips

The start of a new school year can be difficult. Deadlines upon deadlines are piled up before your very eyes and it often isn't long before you're overwhelmed and start to get behind. So, here are a few quick tips to make sure you keep on top of your homework and don't get too stressed this year! 1. Create a homework timetable. Ensure you've set aside enough time to complete your homework. Two or so hours every evening should suffice for younger students (perhaps even one if you're as intelligent a student as myself) while older students might like to go for three or four. Using the same scheduled time every evening to complete your homework will ensure you settle into a structured routine, enabling you to meet those all important deadlines without getting stressed. 2. Get rid of any distractions. Select a place to complete your homework that isn't going to distract you. If the common room is a little too noisy for your taste, head down to the library! Or if the library has too many interesting books that might distract you, find an empty classroom. More importantly, make sure you are working on your homework alone (unless it's a group assignment, in which case make sure your group is alone together). You don't want to end up procrastinating by talking to someone during your homework time - you'll only get behind and end up with a list of Troll grades if you do... 3. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you don't understand a concept, consult your class Professor as soon as possible. Spending too much time struggling to understand the nature of a homework task may lead to unnecessary stress, which might eventually cause you to run out of time to complete the set assignment. As an alternative to your Professors, consult a prefect, older student or classmate if you're desperate. 4. Reward yourself. If you've completed a piece of homework, make sure you reward yourself for it - because you deserve it! And the idea of going down to the chamber for a duel or opening up a packet of karaoke licorice provides an incentive for completing your homework, too, which will ultimately prevent you from procrastinating and encourage you to work harder. It's a win-win. Follow these four tips and it's certain that you will have a successful year. written by Eden Beattie

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Welcome Back!

Welcome back, Slytherins! It has become customary that The Parselmouth produces an introductory article every September, welcoming you all back to school for another year of hard work and brilliance. Except... well, no one seemed to take much notice of last year's. We told the Quidditch team to buck their ideas up and win a few games - but that didn't happen. We told you all to get involved in dueling and try to win a few trophies in the tournament - but that hardly happened. And heck, we even asked you to slay at life in general. But though we did end up winning the house cup (how, no one will ever know...), it's pretty obvious that brilliance seems to have escaped us these past few years. Therefore, I will say this and this alone: WE CAN DO BETTER. We will do better. We must. Now that's over with, onto something a little more light hearted! A big congratulations and welcome goes out to The Parselmouth's new junior editor, Marigold Whitaker - the senior editors know you'll be fantastic! And we'd also like to welcome the following new writers to our wonderful Parselmouth family: Aimery Villiers, Alex Stewart, Eden Beattie, Jemimah Dubois, Joseph Beattie and Kayla Kedzierski. We know you'll be awesome too. That's it for now, but stay tuned and keep reading for another year's worth of quality content brought to you by The Parselmouth! written by Asia Chadwick