Hvitserk-Home
So this was hard for me to write, because I just find it difficult to write angst about Hvitserk. Don’t get my wrong, he is my favourite character from Vikings! But I just feel he deserve all love and cuddles from the world. Anyway, I hope you like it!
Plot: What do you call home when you have lost everything? You come back to Kattegat to fight Ivar, but it’s hard to know that Hvitserk will be there too.
Warnings: angst, SAD SAD HVITSERK, sad reader, too many tears I swear, SPOILERS FROM THE LAST EPISODE (if you haven’t seen it, you might not understand some things)
Maybe you were making the wrong choice. Maybe you should have stayed with Ubbe and Lagertha in England. Maybe thinking about him after all this time was a mistake, but you couldn’t help it. After all, the words Hvitserk and love had always been linked to you; it was a matter of time before you went searching for him.
It hadn’t been long since the fight. His face full of blood, his eyes screaming murder, and his hand carrying the death sentence for a lot of your friends. Hvitserk chose to take Ivar’s side, saying that he needed to be free; free from being Ubbe’s dog, or free from being your lover, you didn’t know. He just jumped ships in the last moment, taking your heart with him and breaking the promise of loving you forever. Yes, he didn’t kill you in the battle field, to some of the soldiers it even seemed that he was protecting you. Yes, he didn’t tell Ivar that you were leaving to England even if you went to Kattegat to say goodbye to him. But that didn’t erase the memory of him turning his back to you from your mind.
You tried to forget about him with Alfred’s brother. He was a nice guy, too innocent and too soft, and nothing like your Hvitserk. When he died you didn’t even cry him; you can’t give your heart to someone if you don’t have it. You tried to hate him, to fill that hole in your chest with hate and desire of revenge, yet every time you imagined his dead body tears filled your eyes. So you conformed with missing him each night. That’s why you sailed with Bjorn to Kattegat.
- Can I sit with you? – Gunnhild, Bjorn’s new girl, asked you. Bjorn had been always your best friend, like a big brother to you. And she was the first woman who laid with him that you liked.
- Sure. -you murmured. -Not with Bjorn?
- He is with king Harald, in some lame contest of testosterone. -she smiled kindly to you. -I’m getting tired of so many dicks in this boat. Thank Odin I have you.
- Yeah, it’s kind of hard living with so many men. -you laughed. -I can’t wait to reach Kattegat.
- I heard wonderful things about that place. -Gunnhild said, looking toward the ocean. It was calm in that moment, but it had been a bumpy ride.
- It’s been a long time. -you sighed. -Maybe Ivar has destroyed the place.
- Bjorn told me that Ivar wasn’t the only Ragnarson there.
- Hvitserk is there too. -you said, and you felt the need to defend him. -But he wouldn’t allow Kattegat to be destroyed. He is not like that.
- And how is he? -Gunnhild knew that your heart ached for the prince and thought that making you talk about him would be a good idea.
- He is kind and sweet. Funny too. Hvitserk is not like his brothers, he just want to be happy and to make the Gods proud. -you smiled sadly.
That why you couldn’t hate Hvitserk probably. You knew that he took Ivar side because he wanted to find the path that the Gods had created for him. He told to you on multiples occasions that he felt lost, the forgotten Ragnarson, the less important one. You used to tell him that it wasn’t true, that he had you; yet his desire of becoming someone important overpowered the desire of becoming someone with you.
- Bjorn told me you had…history together. -she said cautiously. -You know we are going to fight him?
- I know. -you waited a second before speaking again. -Right now I don’t know many things. I don’t know if I can forgive him of if I love him anymore. I just know that I need to see him one more time.
The boat made a sharp turn, and everyone in contained their breathing. You saw Magnus, the newly found Bjorn’s brother, holding tight a cross, and you sighed annoyed. If your Hvitserk was here, he would have made fun of him or throw him out of the boat. If only your Hvitserk was here. Or if only he was still your Hvitserk.
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Gunnhild proved herself to be a good travel companion. She was a strong woman with an unwavering mind. Not the typical slutty one Bjorn usually chose, you liked her better than any of the others. You knew that Bjorn doubted you about coming along, but Gunnhild was a huge support for you. As the days passed in that damned boat, you found yourself being closer to her; talking about Hvitserk, about anecdotes or about anything. And you enjoyed every second of it. But then, on a grey and rainy day, you arrived to your destiny. It was hard for you seeing Kattegat again. Seeing the beach where Hvitserk and you splashed each other now empty and cold. Seeing the forest where you had your first kissed now untamed and dark. Tears filled your eyes, ready to be spilled, when you felt a hand on your shoulder.
- We should move. -your new friend said. -King Harald and Bjorn will kill each other if we don’t solve soon this situation.
- Yeah. -you whispered, and after thinking about it, you added. -There is a clearing in the forest, near Kattegat. But not too close for them to see us.
- That will do. -Gunnhild smiled at you. -I’m not going to tell you that it’s going to be alright. Just know that I’m here for you.
Feeling supported for once was good. You knew that she meant it; being in the same land of Hvitserk was hard, and with her help maybe you could make it through. Walking towards the front of the line with her and Bjorn, you started your journey towards Kattegat.
You were hiding behind a mountain when you first saw them. It was a king Harald’s soldier actually who warned you; an army was resting just a little farther. He recognised king Olaf in the middle of the camp, and he supposed that he was going to help Ivar against your army. So your only choice was to go and try to talk some sense into him. Bjorn insisted in going alone and, even if you would regret it later when you discovered his reasons, you decided to go with him.
- Who is going to watch over our army? -he argued.
- Gunnhild can! King Harald is here too, he can take care of it while we go to see that man.
- I don’t trust him.
- But you trust Gunnhild, hm? So she is in charge here from now on.
- What if she betrays us? -he didn’t believe that, but he was running out of excuses.
- Come on, Bjorn, I’ve known you since I was a baby! I know when you trust someone.
- Maybe I don’t trust you enough to come with me. -you would have take offense on his words if you didn’t know he was lying.
- I was planning of push you of a cliff, what a shame. Now I can’t marry Gunnhild myself. -you joked.
- Y/N please, stay here. It’s too dangerous. -he pleaded, not knowing how to make you stay.
- We sailed here through a storm and I didn’t die. -you said. – Come one, we need to leave before dark.
Bjorn looked at you with sadness. You reminded him of Gyda, his beautiful sister. If she had had the chance of growing up, she would be probably be very similar to you; kind, cheerful, and too good for this world. Admitting his defeat, he sighed and started walking toward the enemy camp, you following behind. He could convince you to, at least, wait outside while he talked to king Olaf. You did as he told you, not knowing that behind that curtain, Hvitserk was hugging his brother.
- I’ve missed you, brother. -Bjorn hugged his little brother.
- Me too. -Hvitserk smiled like a kid, but it wasn’t the same smile as the one he had before. Bjorn guessed that you were not the only one suffering from a loved one.
- Look at us. Here, united again against our brother. -he pat Hvitserk’s back. -The Gods want us here.
- Guess so. Ubbe? -he asked, fear flashing in his eyes.
- He is alive. Still in England, with his lands. -there was a moment of silence where the next questions didn’t leave Hvitserk mouth. -She is alive too.
- Thank Odin. -the prince felt the weigh of this past months lifting from his shoulders. -I saw her leaving that night. Nearly left with her, but it was too dangerous. I’m happy she has found her place there, bet she has-
- She is here. -Bjorn said quietly, and Hvitserk eyes went wide.
- Where? -it was nothing more than a broken whisper. He knew that you had every right to hate him, he even understood if you killed him when you saw him. Hvitserk didn’t care about it, he just needed to see you again. And he did, following his brother outside.
You were getting bored. Each man or woman that passed by you looked at you with curious eyes, before realising who you were and whispered to their companion. Bjorn was taking too long for your liking, and when you were going to enter to take him away, he opened the door. Your mouth hang open with words dead in your lips, and your eyes were wide with surprise. Behind Bjorn, Hvitserk’s head was poking at you; he moved a little, and then his full body was showed to you. You reminded him to be a little bet thinner. He had now broad shoulders and wide arms. His hair was longer and his beard was bigger than when you last saw him. Definitely he was more handsome, if that was possible. Not everything was good, although. Hvitserk had bag under his eyes, that held a lot of sadness and regret, and you swore that a lot of scars weren’t there last time.
- Y/N. -Bjorn called you, seeing that none of you said or did anything.
- What is he doing here? -you said. Even if you tried to sound angry, your broken voice was a knife to Hvitserk heart.
- He was taking king Olaf’s army to Kattegat. To fight against Ivar. -there was an awkward silence again, until Bjorn talked again. -I’m going-
- Lov- Hvitserk started walking towards you at the same time Bjorn talked.
- Who are you talking to? -you expected either to feel nothing for him or to feel everything; right then, you just felt angry.
- Love I- Hvitserk tried again, getting closer to you. Some of the soldiers stopped by to watch you.
- Who are you talking to Hvitserk? -he frowned, not understanding. -You don’t get to call me that. Not anymore.
Hvitserk broken face almost made you regret your decision. Back in the boat, you though you could forgive him, that you could love him again. But seeing his face only reminded you to the pain he made you feel the night you left Kattegat.
Ubbe was the only one who knew about your plans and, although he didn’t approve them, he understood. If he could, he would also want to see Hvitserk one more time. Yet he was far too angry to do it. You left the group at night and planned on returning before the first light; when you all would leave Kattegat. It was a risky decision, Hvitserk could turn you to Ivar and get everyone killed. However, you got rid of that thoughts and ran to your shared house.
Once you got there, you saw him sitting outside the stairs. It was a little cabin, he had build it before Ragnar came back, for the both of you. It was like your little paradise. It was your home.
- Hvitserk. -you whispered; he didn’t turn back, he knew you were there for a few minutes.
- You should leave. -he told you, no emotion on his voice.
- But I- you tried to get closer; he wasn’t facing you, you just saw his tensed shoulders. -Come with me, please. I can forgive you. So can Ubbe, and Bjorn and-
- What makes you think that I can forgive you? -he asked, still not looking at you.
- What? Hvitserk, please, forget about this. I-
- Go. -he said, and even if you didn’t notice, his voice held desperation and sadness. -I’m not going to call Ivar. But I will if you don’t leave, Y/N. Now.
You were going to open your mouth again, to beg a little bit more or to plead to him again. Was it so hard to want a normal life, you thought. After thinking about it, you left.
He could hear your sobs as you walked away, feeling like a part of him was leaving with you. Hvitserk regretted already not looking into your eyes one last time, but he couldn’t lie to your face. It was better if you hated him; you could redo your life, find someone really worthy of you, be happy with a real man who deserves you. He felt tears filling his eyes and, for the first time in weeks, he let himself cry for you. Jumping boats had been the worst decisions of his life, and when Ubbe offered him to come back he though he could fix it. But one look to Ivar’s eyes was enough. His little brother could kill you, so it was better to have a broken heart than a stopped one.
Blinking a few times, you came back to earth. Since the moment Hvitserk joined the army against Ivar, you had been avoiding him. It was hard seeing that he was always following you like a lost puppy. The first days, he tried talking to you, he even came to you tent one night drunk, sobbing and on his knees, mumbling that he needed you back ant that he was sorry for everything. It was hard, yeah. Maybe because you loved him too, because you wanted nothing more than to forgive him and to cradle his head between your arms. It was hard, for him and for you.
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You stood next to Bjorn, happy that the battle was over. Ivar had ran away as soon as things got ugly, and you found his queen dead in the floor. A lot of people from Kattegat chose not to fight, and some of them sided with Bjorn when he broke the barriers from the city. Kind Halfdan was dead, Magnus was dead and so were a lot of people; your heart ached for them, yet you were happy for the living ones. Ubbe appeared after the battle was over, with some wounds on his face but safe and sound. A little giggle left your lips, and you ran to hug the life out of him; you had grown into the kind and caring man the last months, and you were glad the Gods were returning him alive. You hugged too his wife and Lagertha and got back into your place. This time you stood between Gunnhild and Hvitserk, who tried to stay calm at his brother’s presence. You remembered him confessing you how much he admired his older brother; how much he loved him and how he wanted to be like him. So you could only imagine the pain he felt when he faced rejection a second time from a loved one.
- Y/N. -you felt Gunnhild pushing you a little to the right.
- What? -you asked her.
- Come one, do something. -she said, pointing with her head at the sad man at your side.
- I-
- You don’t hate him, Y/N. -she said, and you saw true care in her eyes. -You are just too proud to admit that you need him too.
Hvitserk had thrown all of his pride by chasing you and begging to have you back. It didn’t hurt losing a little of your own pride, did it? Before you knew it, your hand found Hvitserk’s one and you fingers laced with his. It took him a while to react, he just let his body rigid as he looked at you with wide and teary eyes. Slowly, everyone around you left until it was just the both of you in the place. You took your hand out of his grip with effort, only to put your arms around his stiffed body. Hvitserk made a strange noise, similar to a wounded animal. It had been so long since he felt loved by someone, and there you were, hugging him when you should probably be kicking him senseless.
- I’m sorry. -it started as a quiet whisper, but soon Hvitserk body was hugging you tightly, shaking between your arms and whispering again and again how sorry he was. -I’m so so sorry-y, please forgiv-ve me please, Y/N. I nee-ed you so much. I’m sorry…
- We can work it out, Hvitserk. I promise. -you said, pressing him against your much smaller body.
- I love you, Y/N. I was so scared. -he kept sobbing. -I was so scared that he would kill you, that you would be dead.
- I’m alive, Hvitty. -his nickname made him cry harder if that was possible. -We are going to be okay, I promise.
- I’m sorry. -he repeated.
- I know. -you breathed his scent; blood, sweat, pine, a little bit of smoke…and home. -I love you too.
Running your hands through his hair, you let yourself for the first time in months truly smile. Maybe things could be better; you just destroyed half of Kattegat, you have a new king and the love of your life is a broken soul between your arms. Maybe. But you just had that feeling in your gut, that everything could be back to normal. After all, you were home.
