#vix.dream

[vixwantspets]

After leaving me on read for a while, I had a dream that my crush sent me a voice note out of the blue.

I saw the audio length and felt a twinge of disappointment. I wish it were longer. I wish he would talk to me more. I wish I could hear his voice more. When I hit play, his voice was quiet, sounded down. Maybe had cried recently.

He said he hadn't been able to respond to me because he didn't know how to accept all the love I give him. That he doesn't want to just receive when he can't return it. There was a long pause of silence and then he ended it with "... sorry."

I know he doesn't return my feelings or anything close, I already knew that. But to hear that he doesn't want what I give either, hurt something different. The 'sorry' didn't soothe anything for me, it felt more like an expression of guilt and spoken for his sake more than mine. He feels sorry for himself, he beats himself up over it, but there's no comfort in it for me.

[vixwantspets]

I had a dream that one of my ex crushes reached out to me again. Wanted to make amends or something about how things dissolved. About how my sharply pulling away at the end had troubled him. I can't remember if he had apologized in the dream but if he did, it felt like it was for his own sake. That it bothered him how I ended things, not how he drove me to it.

Selfish.

It was apparent to me that he didn't want to reconnect with me, he just wanted to feel like he was still on good terms with me. He wanted to be absolved of the guilt and rejection he felt. Rejection, what a joke. He was the one that didn't want to make space for me anywhere in his life other than on a shelf. To pick up again only when none of his other prettier toys wanted to play.

I wanted to be a friend, not a toy. I wanted someone I could lean on, not someone who withdrew because I overwhelmed them. He didn't communicate, but expected me to understand.

So no, I'm not going to be here to make him feel better about it.

[vixwantspets]

There was this time that my dom was busy on the computer. Maybe it was work, maybe it was gaming. I still found myself feeling lonely about it even though he hadn't gone anywhere, we were both in the house together. I was feeling needy and clingy and followed him around from room to room whenever he'd get up. Still, I'll be a good pet, I try to be quiet and not do anything to bother. I just wanted to be close if I could. He noticed, of course. Suddenly he called for me so I scurried over to stand in front of him. When he reached his hand out to my face and lifted my chin, I got very still. I felt the butterflies, nervous excitement for the unexpected attention and what he would do. Then, his lips were on mine. He kissed me hard and with a lot of feeling. Ownership, understanding, love, patience. His hands were holding my cheeks as we kissed, and I melted and felt floaty. After he finished stealing my breath, he kissed my forehead. And then he went back to working or whatever he was doing. Nothing was said but everything was communicated. It took a while before I came back to my body and realized I was just standing there by myself now. At that point I was almost hearts in my eyes and panting like okay I can be good and wait for him to be free to spend time with me. I felt pretty satisfied by the dose I got to keep my mind, body, heart, and spirit at ease for the rest of the day.

[vixwantspets]

I had my third dream about my crush this year. Or at least, I had a dream THAT I had the third dream. Dreamed that I woke up and thought, well this is the third one now. Maybe I was going to tell someone, maybe I was going to tell him. But the real now me does not know what happened in my dream about my crush. Or even whether it was a positive or a negative one. My first two had been positive.

I did get a nice message from him recently though, so dream or no I'm feeling content.