SO I MADE A PROOF OF CONCEPT.
music used: kirby's epic yarn, mort garson's plantasia
voices: my beautiful self
Transcript:
GORDON
“Am I the asshole if I yelled at a clown?” Now I’m gonna pre-empt here. I’m gonna say it first, nobody else gets the satisfaction: What’s Gordon doing yelling at a mirror? Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
BUBBY
What-- Gordon, don’t be so hard on yourself!
TOMMY
We’re not gonna call you a clown, Mister Freeman.
BENREY
Yeah, I like clowns.
GORDON
Is “I like clowns” your way of saying I’m not a clown? Or are you just saying it? Just saying it to say it? [Beat.]
Benrey, do you not like me?
[Beat.]
BENREY
Clowns are cool, I don’t know what else to tell you.
[SFX: The Banjo-Kazooie Jiggy Collection Jingle plays. This is Gordon’s stream donation alert.]
COOMER
Gordon, please tell us a story.
GORDON
So! “So I live in Brazil--”
[SFX: The Brazilian Football/soccer goal fanfare. An echoing voice shouts “BRASIL!” and is followed by upbeat music. The sound cuts off abruptly.]
GORDON
Thank you, Benrey. “I live in Brazil, and it’s a little common to have people in clown attire and makeup trying to sell you stuff at the subway entrance, and they can be a little annoying. They even started carrying a credit card machine so people can’t use the old excuse of ‘I don’t have any cash on me’.
DARNOLD
I love the wording of the singular credit card machine for all Brazilian clowns.
GORDON
[rereading]
“Started carrying a--” I didn’t even notice that.
COOMER
They’re sharing!
BUBBY
“When I was your age, we only had ONE credit card reader, and we had to go all the way to São Paulo to borrow it for ONE customer!”
TOMMY
That must be why they hang out at the train station!
BUBBY
Right! They have to travel!
GORDON
Come on, guys. Are you really gonna do this to someone who speaks English as their second language?
TOMMY
Oh no! We don’t want to make fun of them. We’re, we just like their words!
BENREY
English is hard. You gotta embrace when you say wrong shit. It’s like art.
COOMER
Gordon, we are creating derivative works from the words of the clown yeller.
GORDON
Alright, fair enough. “I was walking to the subway that I usually go to. It was early for me, nine in the morning. I was going to work because my boss asked me to go early so the cleaning lady had someone there.”
BUBBY
Nine A.M. is EARLY work hours in Brazil? What the hell are we doing here?
DARNOLD
If I showed up to the Mixology department at nine in the morning, I’d be demoted back down to working at the gift shop!
COOMER
Doctor Freeman was able to hold down his position in spite of his frequent tardiness!
DARNOLD
Doctor Freeman started the end of the world.
COOMER
Darnold, that sounds like a skill issue.
GORDON
[beginning with a raised voice to restore order]
“Keep in mind that I was at work until midnight the night before and was going to work until midnight again, so I was a little tired and thinking about my day.”
DARNOLD
You guys got to go home between shifts?
Okay, that-- that sounds a little closer to my work schedule.
BUBBY
GORDON
“Getting close to the subway, I saw the clown and-- [laughs]
[SFX: Gordon’s stream alert faintly goes off. It is followed by the Geraint TTS voice, which says “BRASIL CAMPEÃO DO MUNDO”.]
GORDON
--I saw the clown and immediately thought, ‘Oh fuck. He’s going to stop me’.”
COOMER
Gordon, I can award you one PlayCoin for every time I have heard that arrangement of words in that order.
GORDON
“‘He’s going to stop me to try to sell me stuff.’ So when I was approaching him, and he already started to talk before I even finished crossing the street, I was already putting my hand up and saying, ‘Sorry man, I’m good’.
BENREY
“No thanks. I already ate.”
GORDON
Exactly. “He tried to make me stop, even though I was on my third ‘dude, I’m good.’ And when he was still trying to make me stop, something came over me.”
BENREY
Lust.
GORDON
No.
Tommy, Darnold, Coomer and Bubby break into laughter. Gordon eventually laughs as well.
GORDON
No-- [clears throat] “Something came over me, and I just yelled, ‘DUDE!’ and looked at him while I was still walking.” Presumably in Portuguese, so the tone might be a little different from “Dude”.
DARNOLD
Does anyone here know how you say “dude” in Portuguese?
BENREY
You don’t.
TOMMY
Probably Mano.
GORDON
Chat says “cara or mano”. What was that, Tommy?
TOMMY
Mano.
GORDON
Mano. Good to know. “He looked fucking pissed, and when I was a few good steps away from him, he yelled: ‘I’M JUST WORKING! FUCK!’ And I yelled--”
TOMMY
He broke the clown code!
GORDON
--And I yelled back, ‘FUCK, AND I’M GOING TO WORK!”
BUBBY
A traditional call and response.
GORDON
And it closes with “Did I just create the Joker? Lol.”
DARNOLD
I dunno. I think the Joker would be pretty embarrassed if his entire backstory was getting yelled at once at the train station.
BUBBY
“You wanna know how I got these scars?”
TOMMY
Yeah. Brazilian Joker--
BUBBY
“From sharing one credit card reader!”
[SFX: Gordon’s stream alert goes off once again, followed by the TTS voice saying “Five months. Lust.”]
TOMMY
--he would be a lot cooler than that.
GORDON
So aside from that, is OP the asshole for yelling at a clown?
COOMER
I think they made a friend!
GORDON
You do? By yelling?
COOMER
These two working class heroes shared an important bonding moment about the difficulties of earning a living.
BUBBY
Yeah, some days you just need someone to scream the Fuck word at.
GORDON
Well, shit.
BUBBY
OP made that clown’s day.
GORDON
I’m convinced. Yeah, all agreed?
TOMMY
Yeah.
DARNOLD
Yeah, no harm done.
BENREY
It’s part of that circle of life.
GORDON
Well, there we go. Not the asshole.
COOMER
The real clown was capitalism.
[SFX: A fanfare noise plays. This is followed once again by the Brazil Football fanfare, this time played in full without a cutoff.]
