#vvil posting

[vvildflowerrr]

close my eyes to sleep and the back of my eyelids start looking like the background of that sequence in ratatouille where the rat is eating cheese and berries

[vvildflowerrr]

I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE STRAW HAT BADGE AND I'M VERY UPSET I DON'T HAVE IT FUCK MY LIFEEE

[vvildflowerrr]

I don't think I can excuse the selfishness of younger versions of me, just due to how it would affect people I care about. I can forgive myself, because in certain circumstances I didn't know better, I was suffering and didn't know how to carry the weight, or I genuinely didn't even have the means to care for myself...but dear gods, I will never be that person again.

With that being said, there are a few instances of this where I won't defend myself, but acknowledge how shitty it was to be in situations where I was entirely vulnerable, at the mercy of my surroundings, and have people use that.

Maybe I wasn't meant to go to the ends of the earth for just anyone. Maybe I haven't lost my love for others. Maybe I was unable to show up how I'd like to for some of those people of the past because I was never meant to, maybe my soul knew before I did that they weren't as good to me as I thought. Maybe something was wrong the entire time.

I'm not villainizing all of the people I have in mind with this thought, I don't think they were all terrible people, but maybe we just were never compatible and that was outside of our control. Maybe there wasn't much of a chance of reciprocity because what was given to me had strings attached that were yanked away before I had the chance to send something else down the line. Maybe we just had different priorities. Maybe I made the mistakes I did because I didn't have the tools to do any different.

I will still do better, my trajectory moves upward as time goes on, but I am starting to accept these former versions of me because they were in different situations, and had different people around them that did not edify me as the ones around me now do.

Anyway, may I continue surrounding myself with people who love me and encourage my growth. I will never be the same again, and that's okay.

[vvildflowerrr]

my friend died last month.

at his funeral the mother of his children told me she told the kids they'd see him in the lightning and thunder, so i've just taken that as signs of him myself.

sometimes i see glimpses of him in the fireflies too!

but today, it's raining. i took a cigarette break and stood in an alcove that looked out over the parking lot, with a good view of sky.

a pink lightning bolt ran through the clouds and he crossed my mind, i shouted his name out and said hi, that i missed and loved him.

i told him all about what's been happening this last month, that i got my job back where we used to work together, how it would be so weird not seeing him at shift change or shit talking about sidework.

i told him it sucked that he was gone, but that i know he would have hated losing his arm -- citing a photo of him doing a handstand for reference -- but then joked that he'd be able to do the best one armed cartwheel in the world.

and then i told him i'd be dedicating a song to him at my next show, the one he told me reminded him of how he felt when his mom died.

i wrapped up by saying i hoped he got to see some part of his mom, and that he was having a good time wherever he was. it was at this point that more lightning cracked across the sky and thunder shook the ground, nearly vibrating the air.

and i felt him then, he was here with me in some capacity. what a wonderful soul. i'm glad he's no longer suffering.

i asked him for one more sign before i put out my cigarette and went inside, a small rumble went through the clouds. i laughed, told him i loved him and missed him again, and now i'm sitting with it.

Lanier, man, i miss you brother. i hope i get to read that poem someday. thank you for your time spent with me in this life, i'll remember you always.

[vvildflowerrr]

been working hard, Virithe is halfway to lvl 80!🌹🌿

[vvildflowerrr]

my Norn guardian, Vidir Sigvald⚔️🐦‍⬛

[vvildflowerrr]

my Sylvari ranger, Virithe🌹🌿

[vvildflowerrr]

sometimes i think about how maybe the next "counter culture" movement will be people leaving the internet in protest of a surveillance state

not like the trad wives do but like building real communities (in an ideal world)

there has to be a tipping point where people decide there's better than this