sometimes i want to obsess and worship somebody like i used to. i miss when everything revolved around one person. i miss when in my mind that person was EVERYTHING. and i would do ANYTHING for them. that if they told me to kill myself i'd do it.
but now me and that person dont talk much anymore... everytime i come online they act all excited but how do i know they actually are excited ? how do ik right now they arent thinking about how annoying i am?
but its weird. because i cant tell if i care anymore. in the past i think that i would have freaked out... i always got worried when they left that they might find me annoying but now i just feel empty about it.
i want something to fill this hole. i want to obsess again... i want to go back to obsessing so hard i thought it was fate that we met. that they should be my god !!! i should be their angel !!! the sickening feeling of them being everything that made me feel something !!!!!!!! THE EGO BOOST THAT CAME WITH FEELING HELPFUL !! LIKE I WAS EVERYTHING !!!!!!! but i wasnt. i dont... think i truly mattered ? do i matter..?
but at the same time. im tired of relationships making me feel horrified. whether its the fear that they could hate me or the fear that im replacable or the feeling of falling back into that hole of dependence that makes me want to cry.
i cant tell whether i want to escape from this nothingness or if i just want a relationship that gives me comfort... (although i think those are impossible for me.)
and when i think of that person again. their face ? their words ? thoughts ? feelings ? i dont. i dont care about them.... i feel disgusted. they feel beneath me. but also above me still ? i dont know. they feel like a stranger. i cant tell if im disgusted by them or if im disgusted by never telling them anything.... whatever it is im followed by this disgust. disgust that i feel so empty. im a horrible friend !!!! and feeling like i just want them gone...
ever since "that" happened. i dont know if i re-evaluated if i wanted them in my life... but sometimes i want them gone. i cant tell if im just tired of pretending, or entertaining, or what they say to me. or if i feel like we're horrible to eachother. but i..........
i dont know anymore.
i still want to stay. but i dont think i feel the same as i did when we first became friends... i almost feel like i dont care about them and i just want them around for the things they can do for me. i dont even.. know what that is.
