Walking Through Hell ā Storyline 23 ā Together - Part One
Ā» Walking Through Hell -Leah and Embry
Ā Ā Ā ā ÉŖÉ“į“Źį“į“
ÉŖÉ“É¢ Embry Call and Leah Clearwater
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā ź±į“į“ŹŹŹÉŖÉ“į“ É“į“. 23
[The Morning After the World Fell Apart.]
The only reason that I knew I had fallen asleep was because I was so intensely aware that I was waking up. I was exhaustedā¦ drained. I knew I had lain awake until the sun was starting to rise because I hadnāt been able to find the motivation to get up and close the drapes. After I had left a note for Mom that I had spent the night and fallen onto my too-small childhood bed.
I heard people talk about waking up after aā¦ fuckā¦ what was the right word for the end of Leah and I? But they said they woke up looking for the other person next to them. Expecting them to be thereā¦ they reached out to find them in the bed and then it hit again that it was over. I was calling bullshit on that right now. Even in sleepā¦ I felt her loss. Even in this state ofĀ Fuck off, I donāt want to fucking wake up!
I was all too aware that what we had was shattered. The ache didnāt strike again out of the blueā¦ because it hadnāt gone anywhere in the first place.
And what the fuck was that spiritās awful sound?
The landline? And Mom answering the phone. Was it bad that I almost hoped it was a debt collector? But noā¦ Leah had taken care of all of that. Sue knew everythingā¦ or likely believed she did and that meant it was only a matter of time before Mom did. āOh, my goodness!ā I heard in hushed whispersā¦ then shuffle and a sigh that was almost a sob. āNoā¦ heās hereā¦ he left a noteā¦ Okā¦ oh no!ā I sighed and pulled on the clothes I had abandoned at the foot of the bed. Listening to half the conversation from the kitchen. Five minutes earlier and she could have heard this from me. āThose poor kids.ā She sighed. āHow is she?ā¦ well, she does tend to withdraw into herself. Noā¦ No, of courseā¦ give her time.
I swear I could hear Sue crying on the other end of the phone.
āIāll call you later, sisterā¦. Of courseā¦ā She said goodbye to her friend in Makah and I waited until the phone clicked before I dared to even stand up. Apparently, I was a coward now too.
I found my mother in the kitchen clutching a dish towel to her chestā¦ leaning against the wall next to the phone. I had made sure sheād heard me approaching, letting my steps fall heavier than they would naturally.
Her eyes were watery and just when you thought a heart couldnāt break moreā¦ well. Shit.
āWellā¦ You look awful.ā She teased offering me a sad smile. I laughed.Ā Laughed! Until I wasnāt laughing anymore and Mom rushed over to hug me. I criedā¦ for how long I had no ideaā¦ but she didnāt ask a single thing. She didnāt tell me everything was okay. She didnāt tell me not to cry.
ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā
The next thing I knew I was sat at her table with a coffee in my hand. She sat across from meā¦ warming her hands on her own mugā¦ her insistence on opening the window in the morning was a painful reminder. She sat there waiting and I had no idea what to say because I had no idea what she knew. āAre you going to tell me what happened last night?ā She asked, her tone saying that āĀ NoĀ ā would be an acceptable answer. But that would mean the only information she would have had; was what others would tell her.
āWhat do you know?ā I probed.
āI want you to tell me like I donāt know anything.ā Of course, she wasnāt going to make this easy.
āMomā¦ Iā¦ā I shook my head and stared into my untouched cup. I was so lostā¦ What in the name of the Spirits had happened last night? Too muchā¦ not enough! Why didnāt I fight!? Not with Sethā¦ but for usā¦ for the bubbleā¦ for Leah!
āOkā¦ I know that something has been going on between you and Leah and that last night there was some kind ofā¦ confrontation with Seth.ā She conceded when she saw I was struggling.
āYeahā¦ thatās about right.ā I finally took a sip, wondering if it was too early to Irish up this coffee?
āSweetheartā¦ā Mom sighed. āIām not going to drag this out of you, but I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen you this upset. And the last time was your Granddadās funeralā¦ā Her eyes got misty, and I cracked.
āMomā¦ Iā¦ Leah and I.ā I heaved a sigh of my own. āI guess weā¦ umā¦ā Well damnā¦ I was back to not knowing how words worked. āBrokeā¦ upā¦? Last night?ā It sounded more like a question than a statementā¦ but how else could I explain this in a way she would understand?
āBroke up?ā Her voice got highā¦ āBroā broke upā¦ that meansā¦ā she stopped. āWhenā¦ how? Embry? Youāve been dating Leah?ā She paused. āIn secret?ā
āItās complicatedā¦ But in a wayā¦ I guessā¦ Itās hard to explain. We never really defined anything.ā I looked up and she looked mad. I pinched my brows together. What had I done now?
āEmbryā¦ I understand that you have had very little interest in long-term relationshipsā¦ but why on earth would you feel the need to hide away someone like Leah?ā She was trying really hard to moderate her toneā¦ as I saw her white knuckling her coffee cup.
āWhat?ā My face screwed up until it sunk in. āWaitā¦ no! Mom! This wasnāt some dirty little secret kind of thing! We talked about itā¦. We decided together to keep it between us. Do you really think any man on the face of this planet could convince Leah to do anything she didnāt want to?ā
She processed for a moment until it felt a little awkward, to be honest. āSo, this wasnāt justā¦ā
āWasnāt just what, Mom?ā She didnāt answerā¦ āWhat was the word you were told? Wasnāt just Fucking?ā
āEmbry Call, you watch your mouth at this table.ā She said firmly without raising her voice.
My chest was aching as badly as it was when Seth was screaming at me last night. āWhy? Thatās all anyone thinks Iām good for, isnāt it? I couldnāt have possibly cared about her, right? Thatās what theyāre all sayingā¦ that they have all been saying for yearsā¦ā
āThe fuckboyā¦ slutā¦ playerā¦ womanizerā¦ Oh letās not forget homewreckerā¦ that was a fun one. Donāt act like youāve never heard it.ā I had stood up to pretend to refill my cup because I could feel the anger rising and I needed space between us. It wasnāt because of momā¦ It was me. It was all me. My actions, my past. That was where all these names came from. I had earned each and every one.
āSit down, please.ā She was still firm, but she was breathingā¦ she was letting me vent. I retook my seat. āSoā¦ā She continued. āYou both discussed all of thisā¦ that means it had been going on for a while?ā
I nodded and she asked how longā¦ I shook my head, my eyes burning as I tried to remember. I remembered every moment with herā¦ but when? I seemed to have enough memories to fill years, but I knew that was impossible. āI donātā¦ I donāt knowā¦ a few months maybeā¦ felt like forever but nowā¦ā
āNow itās not nearly enough?ā There was a strangled sound and when she gripped my hand across the table I realised it came from me. āOh, my babyā¦ I donāt understand. If itās hurting this badly, then why? What happened to end it?ā
āSeth happenedā¦ā I shrugged swiping my wrist across my face.
āBecause he found out?ā she was so confused.
āHe found outā¦ He confronted Leahā¦ he upset Sueā¦ heā¦ā I couldnāt be myself to tell her he had made a huge scene in front of the boys. āHe made it very clear that the likes of me had no business being anywhere near his sisterā¦ā
āThat doesnāt sound like our Seth.ā She was thinking out loud, I could see that far-away look in her eyes.
āHe was so angry Momā¦ but none of those things matter. Itās done.ā I tried to maintain my composure.
āDo youā¦ā She was examining meā¦ the way I shifted uncomfortably, the shaky hand I kept pressing to my chest or rubbing over my unshaved jawā¦ Ā āā¦ have feelings for her?ā she asked.
āMomā¦ pleaseā¦ā I pinched my eyes shut. āDonātā¦ okayā¦ justā¦. Please donāt.ā Ā I tried so hard to swallow the feelings of loss that swelled up. But I felt my shoulders hunching and my head droppingā¦ like making myself as small as possible would take this attention off me.
Mom gave a little sob. Covering her mouth the way she did when her bottom lip shook with emotion. āI never thought that Leah would be the type to need her brotherās approvalā¦ or anyoneās for that matter.ā She said softly not hiding the shake in her voice as well as I knew she wanted to.
āSheās not.ā I took a swig of the coffee to try to wash down the lump in my throat. āI am.ā I stood and poured out the coffee in the sink; it was sitting like led in my stomach. I was the one that said goodbyeā¦ I was the one that would bear that at the very least. āYouā¦ umā¦ you should get ready for dialysis. Why donāt you get a shower, and I can make you some breakfast.ā
Mom seemed to understand the conversation was done. āSue was going to take me todayā¦ā She started.
āItās okay, I can text her. She was pulled out of bed in the middle of the night, she probably didnāt sleep much. Besidesā¦ Iām already here.ā I patted my pocket and remembered that I didnāt have my phone. āFuck!ā
āThatās your last warning for language, son.ā Mom pointed a finger at me. I explained that I didnāt have my phone. She told me to use the landline and call her.
āMomā¦ pleaseā¦ you have no idea how many people are mad at me right nowā¦ I just canāt handle adding another person to that list. Please. I canāt face any more of it this morning. Can you please text Sue?ā I begged.
āI donāt think you are giving Sue enough credit, sweetheart. She called here because Quil answered your phone and told her you didnāt spend the night at home, and she was worried about you.ā Ā
I looked at the ground, ashamed. āDid sheā¦ Is Leā¦ has she seen Leahā¦ sinceā¦ā My throat was tight again. Mom stood and rounded the table. She touched my cheek and looked pained.
āNo babyā¦ she hasnāt. But you could. Let Sue take me to my treatmentā¦ go and find her. You two can fix this, I know you can. She is probably as hurt as you are right now. Go to her.ā She looked up at me.
āI canāt.ā The word was a shaky whisper. āI made a promiseā¦ we made each other promises. I canāt lose this and lose her trust too, Momā¦ I just canāt.ā
Tears clung to my motherās lashes. āOkayā¦ā She sniffed. āOkay, sweetheart. Iāll text Sue.ā
The night had been spent in a haze, nothing and nowhere gave me peace. I couldnāt face my bed, as images of waking up to him only yesterday haunted my mind. The living room showed me moments of silence with me reading, and when he tried to give me, āTen more minutesā to do so. Of his laughter while he strummed his guitar, drinking whisky, teaching me to play. The Kitchen came with a wash of intimacy, sharing of meals, kisses, teasing, and so much more. But now even these four walls, which Iād called āhomeā cried out for a soul and his spirits to fill the void that had been left behind.
Iād given up on finding peace before the sun came up. The silence I once craved and cherished was now drowning me. Giving me only one option. I made a list. Because a well-made list was a plan. They were achievable, and they stopped my mind from wondering about places that I couldnāt face.
1. Complete HwH shutdown and let in the cleanup crew.
B. Take stock of what has been left over from the food used.
3. Take the unopened food to the food bank at the rez.
D. Return the equipment to vendors who supported the car wash.
5. Mourn the loss you should be feeling. (I scratched that out in my head. Shaking all my emotions back into place.)
The list locked up, refusing to show me beyond āF,ā but I knew there was so much more to do. I knew there was, but nothing was clear. The emotions were trying to fight for air, but I wouldnāt allow them to breathe. Because if they did. No one in the vicinity would survive the aftermath of that wildfire.
ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā
I moved on this earth like a phantom spirit, lost to itself but with an aim to achieve her moral objectives. The ride to HwH in the dead of night hadnāt registered, unlocking the doors, and going in was a blur. There was no shock when I found that both Mac and Char had completed the cleanup of the car wash in the bar, even though Iād told them Iād return to do it. But still, there was plenty of work I could do.
I operated in silence, a bar that would be filled with my music on any other given day when I came to be alone, now had an eerie feel to it. The scents of humans and warriors mingled with that of beer and whisky. The echo of joy and happiness from the night before came to abolish my sanity if I allowed it. (Which I didnāt).
So, I worked. I took my jacket off, rolled my sleeves up, put my head down, and I worked. No task was too small, nothing was off limits. When I came across it, I completed it. If it was on the to-do list of bar work, it was done. It was the only way I knew now how to manage myself. Because the Leah of ten years ago would have ridden out of the rez, to let herself be beaten black and blue to make money for those who might need it.
Cracked ribs, bring it on.
Broken nose. Yes, please!
Fractured arm, even betterā¦
Anything to dull the mind, stop the emotion and work towards emptying out her ever-growing bucket of sin. She would take it! And shamelessly, she would have kept doing it, until she was numb to whatever the universe had in store for her.
But todayā¦ that wasnāt an option. Now I had no excuse to allow that part of my past to become a future event. Not only had I grown and learnt, but I had made a promise to think about returning to Seattle genuinely before going to put that action into play.
āMorning Leah.ā Iād been so deep in my numbness, that for the first time in years, someone was able to come up behind me without my knowledge.
āItās quiet in here, we thought that maybe you forgot we were coming.ā The two ladies were smiling, setting their buckets down, and removing their coats. āYou know yesterday was such a great day. We were saying it felt like we were at a powwow.ā The mother kept speaking without needing any interaction from me. āSue and Tiffany worked so hard. You must be proud.ā I knew I was zoning in and out of the conversation.
It wasnāt until I felt the daughter coming to stand beside me that I looked up from what I was doing. āLeah, why are you deep cleaning the drinks fridge?ā She looked quizzically at me. āDid you forget we were coming to give the bar a deep clean today?ā She smiled, giving me a look that spoke a thousand words, but I wasnāt willing to hear them right now.
Standing up, I wiped my forehead with the back of my arm. Then washed my hands in the small sink before finding words. āI wanted to give you ladies a helping hand.ā It wasnāt a lie; I knew they were coming. I just needed to work. āBut now you are here, Iāll let you carry on,ā I told them.
Both of them laughed, continuing to speak animatedly about the day before. While I set the coffee machine on for them. Some part of me asked if it was only yesterday, they were talking about. The car washā¦ a day they all seemed to enjoy. It had been yesterday that Iād been happy to my soul. That we had worked so hard to achieve something together. That I had been a part of a community who were welcoming me in from the cold. But soonā¦ The truth would be out. These same people who had been ashamed of me would be so again. And I brought it all on by myself.
āSpirits, the boysā¦ they were putting on a good show. And so respectful too.ā The mother shouted from the far end of the bar.
āI donāt know. I was sure the girls would win, up until the end.ā The daughter replied.
I stood with my arms crossed, watching the coffee pot wishing it to fill. But you know itās true. What they say. A watched pot never boils!
āRight, Leah?ā one of them asked me.
āHmmā¦ā I replied motionlessly.
More laughter. āLooks like someone had an extra good time last night.ā They chortled. If only they knew. But they wouldnāt. Not from me anyway. Soon enough the grapevine of the rez would be at work, and the news would flourish into gossip about how the Clearwater girl, had used the Call boy. How she was no good. How she was always setting the cat amongst the pigeons. Little did they know. It was the Warrior who stood on the outskirts, whoād made the mistake of believing she could be among the village. How wrong could that Warrior have been!
The drive to Forks was too quiet. I couldnāt bring myself to turn on the radio and even though part of me wish she wouldā¦ neither did my mom. It was shockingly out of character for her. I waited for her to bring up Leah again, but even with my eyes darting to her every few moments, she never turned my way. I didnāt know if I wanted her to force me to talk more or if this silence was preferable. Sure, it was uncomfortableā¦ but was that because my insides were shredded? My soul fractured.
āSue should have the final total from the car wash this evening. I think itās going to set us up with a really good budget for the centre.ā She said instead. I tried to smile. I really did. I was happy with the outcome of the event and the fact that it had gone so, so wellā¦ In terms of fundraisers.
No. That wasnāt fair. It was an amazing day. The way the night ended had nothing to do with the event. āYou really should try to get involved in the projectā¦ maybe one of the classes or weekly events?ā She continued. āJust when you have time. I know how hard you work.ā
āIām not sure Iām the best person to teach a parenting class, Mom.ā The chuckle was real, the image of me trying to teach teens to swaddle a baby was hilarious. My soul lightenedā¦ even if it was only for a moment.
āSpirits no!ā She laughed too. āBut you are teaching those boys about working outā¦ how about something like that?ā
I hadnāt forgotten my promise to the two kids yesterdayā¦ Spirits!!! Was it really only yesterday? My brows pinched. āThey donāt want to work outā¦ not really, they want to get hotā¦ thatās all.ā I chuckled. āThey wanted to know how to get a body like mine.ā
āDonāt be vain, sweetheart.ā She corrected me without batting an eyelid. āEven if itās true, itās still good exercise, but at least they will learn proper techniques, so they wonāt hurt themselves.ā
āI promise to think about it,ā I told her, and we drove in silence again until Mom spoke as we entered Forks.
āLeah is a very beautiful girl.ā Mom said out of the blueā¦. Sort of.
I managed a smile. I knew what Mom meant when she said beautiful. She didnāt mean her face, the dimples that only showed with those particular smiles. She didnāt mean her bodyā¦ the strength, and the abundance of glossy dark hair that you just wanted to touch every time she was close enough. Or the eyesā¦ that indescribable shade of brown that you could pick out from across the room and be hypnotised by. Actually, she might have meant the eyesā¦ that was the sort of thing Mom would focus on in a person.
āI noticed,ā I replied, my grip on the wheel tightening, not out of anger but, trying to contain the intense longing that swelled up thinking about her. I had gotten used to missing herā¦ I actually liked missing her, weirdlyā¦ the longing, the craving and not just kissing herā¦ touching herā¦ or feeling all the things, she made me feel. Just to see her, to talk to her the way we only could inside our bubble. I missed the way she pretended to get annoyed when I distracted her from her book and the way she accused me of stealing her playlists when I chose a song. I missed the way my heart jumped when I translated the song, she chose into how she was feeling when she picked them. Knowing I had something so good I didnāt want to lose itā¦ I hadnāt felt that before. I had felt loss, of courseā¦ but not until it was too late. This had been different. And the fact I knew it would hurt when this was lostā¦ didnāt make it any easier.
My heart was beating harder now. I missed the sound of her voice when she sang to me, the rhythm of her breathing as she settled into sleep. The way her heart skipped, slowed, or raced when I sang to her. I held onto thatā¦ I knew first-hand that time stole memories. But I knew the way my mind and my memory clung to sounds and voices.
Sometimes, I couldnāt recall exactly how my grandparents looked. But I clearly remembered their voices and the music they playedā¦ those were clear as a bell. So that is what I could hold onto. The sounds of Leah Clearwaterās existence. Her symphonyā¦ it was mine to keep.
I realised then that mom was waiting for me to say more, but what was there left to say? There was no way back from this. I wasnāt going to tear apart Leahās family because I felt like my insides were crumbling. She had to put her family first; it was one of the things I admired the most about her.
She sighed after a long pause. āOkay then,ā She twisted a little in her seat, shifting the seat belt where I knew her CVC was hidden beneath her dress. āLetās talk about Seth. You have known that boy since he was walking. Are you even speaking to him?ā
āI havenāt spoken to anyone but youā¦ since heā¦ did what he did. Iāll speak to Seth when Iām ready.ā I explained.
āWhen you let things linger too long sweetheart, theyā¦ā I cut her off. I knew this line.
āThey rot. I know, Mom. I know. Iām not saying Iāll never speak to him again. He might, and then I canāt really do anything about that. But heās the one that came for me. So why is it my job to put out that fire? Why is it my job to put out all of those guysā fires?ā She stayed quiet. āRight now, all I want to do is figure out how to take a breath without it hurting, okay? Thatās all. So, Iām sorry if Iām not overly concerned about Sethās feelings right now. He was out for blood last night. The only people I care about in this situation are me and Leahā¦ and Sue because Seth crossed a line there. So, if thatās selfish then Iām okay with that. We all need to be selfish sometimes.ā
Mom offered a small, sad smile. Maybe she couldnāt believe that Seth had intentionally hurt usā¦ Spirits! Even I was struggling with that one.
I knew that it was wrong to feel relief but when we arrived at the hospitalā¦ there it was. The unwelcome, and much-needed feeling. Because I knew that once my mother was connected to her treatment device it was four hours more before I had to face the next stage of this. There was no avoiding it, I would have to speak with Jakeā¦ Quilā¦ even Sam.
I walked inside with Mom, her arm linked through mine. I was probably going to have to speak to Sue tooā¦ but what could I say?Ā āIām sorry your son dragged you into this.āĀ Because I was certainly not sorry for what Leah, and I shared. I wasnāt sorry for keeping it between her and meā¦ I kept waiting for that guilt that I felt for hiding my past from the pack to creep into this part of my life too. But it hadnāt, it still hadnāt. The more I thought about it the more resolved I felt in deciding I wasnāt going to let it.
I wasnāt going to let guilt or shame of any kind attach itself to the memories of our bubble.
I floated through the actions of checking Mom in, taking her to the treatment room, and waiting for Nurse Sophie to start the procedure all in a daze of routine, but not the kind of routine I had grown to loveā¦ I shook my head. So many things reminded me of her.
āAre you okay, Embry?ā Momās nurse asked. āYou look tiredā¦ you never lookā¦ā She stopped, she had always commented that I always seemed to find the energy to be positive when I came here. I clearly wasnāt good at thisĀ - being okay āĀ thing if an almost stranger could tell I was not myself.
āHeās distracted today, thatās all.ā Mom said and I was glad that was all she said
she had always commented that I always seemed to find the energy to be positive when I came here. I clearly wasnāt good at thisĀ - being okay āĀ thing if an almost stranger could tell I was not myself.
āHeās distracted today, thatās all.ā Mom said and I was glad that was all she said.
Sophie touched my shoulder, and it took all my self-control not to recoil from the touch, she didnāt deserve that. I held my breath for some bizarre reason. āRemember that thing we talked about?ā She paused until I made eye contact. āItās always an option, thereās no time limit or deadline, okay?ā
Then it hit me. She meant the support group for family members of people on the transplant list. I cleared my throat and remembered to breathe. āOhā¦ yeah. Thank you, Iāll keep it in mind. Thank you.ā Did I say that twice? Of course, she would think it was about thatā¦ it wasnāt an unrealistic guess. She nodded and left us to it with the normal instructions.
Four hoursā¦ I had fourā¦ My thoughts stopped as an unforgettable scent hit my senses. Ā
āWhat theā¦ā Claire? I inhaled through my nose once again, careful not to look like I was scenting the air. āShit!ā
Claire came running into the dialysis ward, but like she always did, stopped, and carefully sat on the edge of the large treatment chair and curled herself against Momās side, the side without the Dialysis port, which she was great at remembering but, right now it was obvious with the tubes coming out of the neckline of her dress. Then Quil strolled in. āShe wanted to see Momma T before her mom collected her.ā
I looked up at himā¦ he had been planning on driving her home today. But I should have known he would change those plans to be here with me to face this day.
The light hum of music came down the stairs, with a mix of the mother and daughter duo working in and around the bar. They had been trying to keep the conversation with me going for as long as I could manage, before I retreated to begin the stock take.
Then there was the scent of mint, soap, and some generic shampoo hitting my nose. Followed by the sound of footsteps. I didnāt need to raise my glance from the clipboard in my hands and the stock Iād been counting in the basement to know who was making his way down to me.
His footsteps stalled halfway down, the sound of shifting feet, followed by silence. Bending down I continued with counting the number of bottles of whisky on the shelf, before taking note of it, then the vodka. And thenā¦
āI can sit here all day, you know.ā His voice low trying to keep the two ladies upstairs in the main bar from overhearing. āIāve nowhere better to be.ā He continued. āI could even start singing a few verses of a Swifty song.ā
āI told you and Char not to bother with the close down last night, I can see you over did it.ā There was a drag in the way his footsteps sounded. And Mac always had a tell in his voice. (Not that I would ever give him a clue on it.)
āI had a feeling it was best to do as much as we could last night.ā He told me.
āOh?ā I kept working.
āYup.ā He was playing me at my own game.Ā
Standing up to my full height, I set my gaze on him. His dark hair wet and falling messily in his eyes, the overnight stubble kissed his jawline, his eyes filled with weariness, and yet his lips still turned up into a smile.
āDid you wake up with the need to get on my last nerve today?ā His smile grew and he shook his head slowly.
āNope, itās just bonus points at this point, Lee.ā It would have earnt an eye roll any other day. But today, I didnāt have it in me. āSoā¦ā He started, rubbing the palms of his hands down the front of his jeans. āAre you going to tell me if itās true?ā
I pressed my plump lips into a thin line, licking the bottom lip before setting the clipboard on the small table. Leaning forward, to place my hands flat on either side of it. I needed to close my eyes, take in a few breaths. Before facing whatever was to come.
āYou know, you donāt need to say anything. But Seth was wired last night. And something was up with the boys in the bar last night too. And then it was hard to miss the whispers before everyone left. And like I saidā¦ Seth was wired, and rambling.ā Something made him stop. He was waiting. But I wasnāt ever one to share.
āWhat is it that you think you know?ā I asked.
āYouā¦ and Embryā¦ā He didnāt beat around the topic. āBeen doing the deed in secret.ā My eyes darted up to find him. He didnāt flinch the way he used to once upon a time. āLeeā¦ Itās no oneās business if you were. Youāre both grown arse adults. Neither of you do the relationship thing āā
My eyebrows pulled together, my hands had turned into fists, and my jaw was clenched. Something hot like lava bubbled beneath the surface wanting to be let out.
āOohā¦ Shitā¦ Really?ā He slowly pulled himself up off the steps heād been sitting on. āWellā¦ Itās still only your business.ā
I pushed my walls up with a crack! Had I let them down? What in the name of the spirits, had he seen? I hadnāt told Mac a thing, my lips hadnāt opened. And yet, he was looking at me with heart break in his eyes. āWhat exactly is it, that you think, you know?ā My voice was low enough for him to hear me.
āI know youā¦ well I know the parts of you, that you let me into. And this thingā¦ā He pointed at me. āI know that you and Embry. Itās not what people are going to be thinking about. Their heads arenāt going to see the truth, unless you tell them.ā He took in a deep breath. āItās a damn shame they donāt know how to engage their brain cells, before they start speculation of what their minds conjure up.ā
She didnāt speak. Neither of us did. We stood grounded in shock. What just happened here? What did I show Mac without planning to do so? Why was it that he saw the truth, when my kid hadnāt. I wasnāt capable of being accepted by those who had a kind heart.
āIf you need to talk Lee, or if you just need to drink in silence. You know where to find me.ā Turning he made his way back up the stairs. Leaving me to my thoughts.
Quil never tried to get me to leave the roomā¦ he didnāt mention Leah to my mom. He wouldnāt, not with Claire here, but the looks my soul brother and Mom exchanged told me they both knew Iād come clean(ish) to Momā¦ or thought they knew exactly what was happening.
They talked about the car wash and the success. Claire filled Nurse Sophie in on how all of Mama Tās boys danced with her in front of the whole village and that it was the cutest thing sheād ever seen. It was then that I looked aroundā¦ waiting for a cheeky comment from Hannah.
My heart sankā¦ Her chairā¦ It wasā¦ Empty.
No! No, no, no! My heart raced and I felt a hand on my arm, this time I did recoilā¦ scanning the room. How did I miss this? She was just a kid, she couldnātā¦
āBryā¦ā Quilās hand clamped on my shoulder, hard. He brought my attention to the nurse again.
āEmbryā¦ā She smiled sympathetically. āCould you come with me?ā¦ there was a form I missed this morning. It will only take a second.ā
I knew there was nothing missed. I did this enough that I knew exactly what I was signing each time. āUm, sureā¦ā I stood and kissed the top of momās head.
At the nurseās station, the woman turned to me. āYou know I shouldnāt be telling you thisā¦ and Iām only doing it because I know that Hannah would want you to know, and you seem to be having a really hard dayā¦ā
āIs she okay? Please tell me sheās okayā¦ā
āShe was airlifted to Seattle yesterdayā¦ā I was going to be sickā¦ Could I get sick? āThey found her a kidney, Embry. We donāt have an update yetā¦ but the transplant team there are incredible.ā I buried my face in my handsā¦ trying to breathe. āHer Instagramā¦ she posted after every treatmentā¦ Shit.ā I patted my pocketsā¦ I still didnāt have my phoneā¦ but I knew that Quil would. Sophie, rooted around behind the nurseās station. And must have searched her name because she was holding her phone out to me in seconds. A selfie of Hannah and her mom in a helicopter. A photo of hers and her momās hand in a hospital with the caption:
Hannahās transplant went to plan, sheās exhausted but resting, and she canāt wait to update all of you herself when she feels better. Thank you for all the love and prayers. Hannahās Mom.
Below it said it was four hours agoā¦ she had eighty thousand followers, and the post already had 200 comments and many more likes. When I looked up Sophie had moisture gathered at the corner of her eyes. āThat was a really good idea.ā She swiped at her cheeks. I couldnāt help but think how cruel it was that the people who have taken care of her this last year werenāt updated on her condition. āIā¦ā She looked down the hallway. āIām going to show this to the othersā¦ But Embryā¦ I can see youāre struggling, if the group isnāt for you then pleaseā¦ talk to someone. Youāre not alone, okay?ā
I just noddedā¦ I had no idea what to say. Sophie went down the hall and disappeared into a staff lounge and I heard little gasps and even happy sobs.
I was more alone than I had ever been in my entire life.
Fuck!! I needed to get my shit together!
When I went back inside Mom was clutching at her necklace. The one I knew my father had given her. Ā She was looking guilty. We both had been distracted and not noticed the young girlsā absence today. I leaned down next to Mom and told her everything. Seeing my motherās tears of joy made it hit homeā¦ Mom still didnāt have a donor. And I knew it was evilā¦. I knew it was a horrible, selfish thing to think. I knew Hannah had a different blood type; the kidney she received wouldnāt have matched my mom anyway. But here it was that spike of bitternessā¦ even angerā¦ not at Hannah.
At this Spiritās damned disease.
āThatās incredible news right Momma T!ā Quil said in an upbeat tone, and I heard him walk around the back of the treatment chair. He hugged me, turning me away from the two women. āI know.ā He said so quietly that no one could hear it but me. āI know, brotherā¦ itās okay. This feeling will pass. We still have hopeā¦ just breatheā¦ you can let all of this out but not here.ā He tightened his hold and gave me a shake. āCāmonā¦ you got this.ā
I did what he saidā¦ I pulled myself togetherā¦ but all I could think about was how badly I wanted to arrive on Leahās doorstep and spill out all of the conflicting thoughts in my head. I knew I could say all of this to Quil or Jakeā¦ but it wasnāt the same. It wasnāt what I needed.
I was pulled from that train of thought by Claire sitting on my lap and resting her head on my shoulder. āAre you sad?ā She asked and I couldnāt lie to her.
āYeah, Little Bearā¦ I am. But itās okay to be sad sometimes.ā I admitted.
āBecause Momma T is sick?ā She pressed.
āYeah,ā I said honestly. āBut other things too. You donāt need to worry about me though. Iāll be okay.ā Shitā¦ did I just promise someone else I would be okay?
āI know you willā¦ and just so you know. I love you, especially when youāre sad.ā She whispered like it was a secret. I smiled, and Quil and Mom smiled too. How could we not?
āWell, now I just know Iām gonna be okay.ā I hugged her a little tighter and kissed the top of her head. āI love you too, Bear.ā
Thenā¦ too soonā¦Ā we watched as a different nurse unhooked Mom from her machine and told us the doctor would have an update on her levels tomorrow and all the information, they told us every time we were here. It should have been annoyingā¦ but honestly each time, the rehearsed instructions I felt like it was the first time I heard it.
There was nothing left to do now but head homeā¦ I had no idea what was going to happen once we got back to the Reservation. For the first time everā¦ I wasnāt sure I wanted to go home. It felt wrongā¦ like an alien feeling creeping its way into my mind. Homeā¦ that was where Leah was. All I needed to do was make it through a few hours then I had a shift at work.
āJake is going to meet us at The Sanctuary after Claireās mom collects her.ā Quil revealed as we made our way out of the small hospital. He slipped my phone out of my pocket. And handed it to me after he unlocked it, and a message from Jake was open on the screen already.
Ā TEXT:Ā [Please donāt make me force you to have this conversation, Embry. Iām still your Alpha.]
Ā I exhaledā¦ Sam had told him about last night. I just nodded to Quil and shoved the phone into my arse pocket, ignoring the little red dot indicating I had fifty-four unread messages. How many were for me alone I wasnāt sure; most were probably the group chat. I knew that there would be none from the only person I wanted to talk to right now.
Driving in anything with four wheels felt wrong. But I had no way to do the jobs needed to be completed on the back of my baby. I had to be thankful to Mac who loaned me his truck for the rest of the day. He was adamant he planned on working on the bar accounts until opening time, after finding my list on the note pad in the office. He knew the only way to get me to stop was to get the tasks on the list completed. If only he knewā¦ for every job completed, I was willing to find three more to add. But for now, Iād given into his demand to loan his truck to me, so that I could make a drop off at the food bank, and then onto Port to visit Danni and her dad.
As I pulled up in a space before the Sparkle ānā Shine, the man working on a car before me gave a nod of recognition. He had been one of the three working out front the last time I came here. āBoss, you are needed.ā I heard him call out towards the valeting and detailing area, before Iād even turned the engine off.
A red headed man came out from the side, the outbuilding looked busy as his frown turned into a small smile. I hadnāt seen him the last time, but I could tell from one glance that this was the owner, Chris Brinkley. The man looked to be in his fifties, with a beard covered chiselled jawline, broad chested, hard working. Ā He had the same red hair as his daughter Danni, and the same green eyes too.
Climbing out of the truck I took a few long strides to meet him part way before coming to a stop in front of the men working on cleaning a few cars. āMiss Clearwater.ā His hand was outstretched, in a friendly offer of welcome. āYou look just like your mother.ā The man had a strong grip. The damp patches on his clothes telling me he liked getting his hands dirty with his team.
āSo, Iāve been told. Itās nice to meet you Mr Brinkley. Iām guessing Danni is at school.ā Dropping his hand before stepping back.
āPlease itās Chris.ā He nodded his head. āWe werenāt expecting you to bring things back so quickly.ā Pointing to the bed of the truck.
āOkay, Chris. Then itās Leah.ā Taking a few steps backwards to drop open the bed. āWe are so thankful for your help and support. And we didnāt want to impact your business.ā I moved to the side so he could see we had indeed fixed the polisher as we had promised.
āLeah, you have impacted my business.ā I frowned looking the man in his eyes. He was only a few inches shorter than me. āLook around, we are never this busy. But everyone coming today are all talking about our banner in La Push, and word of mouth.ā I let out a long breath. Half smiling.
āIām glad to hear it. I didnāt bring the banner back. If itās okay with you Iād like to leave it up for a little while longer, I can drop it off the next time Iām in town.ā I told him.
He waved my comment off. āYou can return it whenever you are done with it. Really, Danni spoke so highly of you andā¦ā His eyes moved to the truck and around. āYou alone? She said there was a young man with you last time?ā
I had to bite the inside of my cheek. Embryā¦ He was expecting to meet Embry too. āYeah, Embryā¦ Iām not sure where he is todayā¦ So, I came to return things while I had time.ā Not saying that I needed time away from the mess Iād caused in his life.
The two of us got to work, taking out the boxes from the truck and returning them back up to the storeroom. Chris made small talk by asking about the event, about the turn out, about the fact that he was grateful to have the opportunity to help in a small part. And all the time, I saw flashes of Embry. His teasing, smiling face. How he spoke with Danni, how he was proud of his mom and mine. How in a blink of an eye, the next image was of him fighting back tears, saying goodbye to me.
With one final thanks to and from Chris, I was back in the truck making my way out of there, before the memories came rushing out, they were threatening to break my determination on keeping it together.Ā
I took a long deep breath. Jake wasnāt here. We had just pulled up in front of The Sanctuary and he wasnāt there. That meant he was giving me a moment, he left me enough time to settle Mom in for herĀ post-dialysis napĀ and get home with time to breathe beforeā¦ whatever this shit storm was going to be.
By the Spirits, I would give anything to be able to go through thisĀ withĀ Leah. Would that be harder? Being close to her and so fucking far all at once? Noā¦ Near would always be better. For me. But for Leah? Probably not. And I wasnāt about to make this harder.
Should I call her? Tell her what was about to happen? Tell her about Sam showing up last night? I had no ideaā¦ What had grown between Leah and I, was a first for me and the end of itā¦Ā FUCK! I had no idea how to act, or how to speak about itā¦ and I knew there were only two souls in the universe that would understand it if I did find the words.
They both lived within Leah Clearwater.
āBry?ā Quil asked from next to me, fist-bumping my arm. āAre you coming in?ā
āHmm?ā my mind processed slower than normal. āOhā¦ umā¦ yeah.ā I grabbed my phone and killed the engine, climbing out of the truck. The door of the house was unlocked like it always was when Claire wasnāt in the house. Her Mom wouldnāt be longā¦
āHey!ā Claire said, already on the front porch. āThereās a package here!ā Then a short pause. āItās for me!!!ā she jumped up and down and then ran to hug Quil. āDid you get me a present?ā
Quil hugged her anyway but answered, āIt wasnāt me Claire Bear. Take it inside and have a look.ā
We all headed in and Claire started shredding at the tape on the box. I knew Quil wanted to help but he didnāt. Who on Earth would send something from this company to us? Or wellā¦ Claire? Was it her mom? Maybe it was meant to arrive just after she had?
She gasped and clapped squealing and sayingĀ O M GĀ like each letter was a word. When I saw the boxset, I knew who sent it. I was completely certain that I had distracted Leah from almost all of those books at some stage.
Try dreaming of a world of assassins. The hero in this story, will show you what it means to be a strong girl who grows up making mistakesā¦ But learnt from them. -L
Claire read the note and hugged it! āItās from Leah!!ā then she looked up at him with a pout. āPlease, please. Please tell me that Iām allowed to read these ones!!ā
Quil laughed. āWell, Iām not sure youāre old enough to read about assassins if you are going to make faces like a five-year-old.ā He teased playfully. She adjusted her expression immediately and if I wasnāt staring at the books again, I might have laughed. āI trust Leah.ā Quil said from somewhere far away. āIf she thinks these are appropriateā¦ and if your mom agrees then I donāt see a problem with it.ā
Claire jumped up and down, her long ponytail swayingā¦ and okay, seeing her this excited. It made me smile. It might have been Quil saying he trusted Leah too. Claire peeled away the plastic and slipped each book out one at a time, examining the art and the map inside the covers. I tried to be as present as I could for her last few moments here for another two weeks. This seemed to be as long as Claire could stand being separated from him. And it was the extent of his nerves tooā¦ actually his was shorter, but he suffered in silence better than the pubescent girl. Just about.
When we were alone and it was just my best friend and me, I told him I was going to shower before Jake showed up. I hadnāt washed since the pups hosed me off at the car wash yesterday and that was hardly a proper shower. I cranked up the heat until the water heater sounded like it just might blow from the exertion, and even my skin started to tinge red. The bathroom was fogged in a matter of moments and I scrubbed and scraped and rinsed while I tried to wrestle my mind into some kind of order.
Sitting in the cab of Macās truck on the side of the road, I closed my eyes. She still couldnāt speak clearly to me. But we were slowly processing the best we could. The flash of a past visit came to the forefront of my mindās eyes. Showing that smile we had become accustomed to receiving. His dark eyes with at tell tail crinkle at the corners, with the curve of his lips as he chewed on a slice. I could recall the moment, the scents, the sensations. Even the riot of something coming alive deep in the pits of my stomach.
I swallowed all the emotions yet again. This day wasnāt playing the way we had agreed to, and I didnāt know why in the name of the spirits I was losing my hold. She knew why, and maybe I was trying to keep us from wondering down that rabbit hole to save us from what we knew was waiting there.
So, I did the next best thing. I pulled my hair back off my face, rubbing my hands over it a few times before climbing out the truck. Leaning over the seat my hands pulled to pick up a case of local IPAs, and a bottle of top shelf whiskey I brought to Port with me.
āLeah? Damn woman! What are you doing here today?ā Marco Rossi came walking towards me. His blue eyes twinkled, smile big and welcoming (and yet it missed what I was longing).
āYeah, thought Iād drop a little something off to thank the team and your old man for all their help.ā He took the case of beers from me, being the gentleman his father had brought him up to be.
āYou didnāt need to do that. He had a blast by the sounds of it. Butā¦ā His chin motioning to the bottle his eye glimpsed in my other hand. āHeād never say no to a gift from you.ā Walking now as he spoke. āComeā¦ comeā¦ Heās in the truck.ā
I followed Marco towards the side of the truck, his deep husky voice called out to his dad, letting him know that Iād come to see him. The men were a fine act together. They got along like a house on fire, but they would also be the first to tell you it wasnāt always the way.
āLeah! Grazie, Bellissimo.ā Leo took the bottle when I offered it out towards him. āThe team and I had such a good time.ā I didnāt need to say much, the right sounds, at the correct times, a nod of my head, and a shrug here and there. Leo was the show of the moment. He kept the conversation moving, retelling and reliving the day for Marco who hadnāt been able to attend. āAnd the women.ā He kissed his fingers to the air. āYou need to go visit son. Maybe find yourself a beauty like our Leah here to date.ā
Marcoās eyes flashed to me before dropping to the ground and then he shook his head. Leo was known to put his son on the spot, just as Ma and Ms C would do to me. āSure PapĆ . Iāll have to get right on that.ā Rolling his eyes to the sky before glancing over at me again.
I said my goodbyes, this time leaving empty handed. I knew what today was, there was no way Ma and Ms C would be eating pizza. Not after Ms Cās Day with treatment.
Back in the truck, I nodded my head once to the Rossi Men before pulling out of the side spot making my way towards the Rez. The thought of going back pulled at my chest, and at the same time dread filled my veins. Needing to get out of my head, I turned the radio on, hoping the music spirits would take it easy on me. But I should have known better. The moment the song began to sink in, my eyes remained on the winding roads before me with my hands white knuckling the wheel.
Music: Anson Seabra - Walked Through Hell
When I stepped out of the shower, I was painfully aware of the music in the next roomā¦ I had a planā¦ I was going to shave. Like I usually wouldā¦ thatās how we acted when we were okay, right? But the lyrics in the next room tore me from the mirror before I even tried. I was still tucking the towel around my waist when I stepped out of the heavily steamed (even with the narrow window open) bathroom. I crossed the main room in long, determined stridesā¦
Music: Imagine Dragons ā Sharks
Drowninā, youāre seeinā doubles
Donāt you let āem see your struggles
Take advantage off your niceness
Cut you up in even slices
I cut the last line out by hitting the off button on the speaker so hard the bracket beneath it collapsed. I hardly even felt the corner of the sound bar bounce off the instep of my foot. My fists clenched and my chest constricting with rageā¦ and maybeā¦ noā¦
The song is about the betrayal of trust, of friendship that takes a turn for the worst. Reminding us to watch our back even with those we trust the most.
There it was againā¦ anger like I never felt before.
Noā¦ I didnāt HATE Sethā¦ I couldnāt. This wasā¦ temporaryā¦ this wasnāt meā¦ I couldnāt, I ā¦
A hand clamped onto the back of my neck. Quil turned me away from the wall with a forceful tug. āTake a breath, brother.ā His voice was a command, not something you would call a brotherly comfortā¦ but this was us. Exactly what I would do if our places were switched. He waited until he heard my heart ease back. āIām sorryā¦ I thought it would helpā¦ I know you love that bandā¦āĀ
I pulled away, I couldnātā¦ Jake would be here any minute and I couldnāt have this conversation on repeatā¦ āItās fineā¦ Iām fine.ā I pulled away and headed to my room. He wouldnāt hold it against me.
What he did do though, was follow me. āDonāt bullshit me, Embry. I was there.ā
āFine, why donāt you tell me what I am then?ā I snapped, unfairly. I pulled clothes out of a pile that smelled clean without looking at what they wereā¦ I knew there was a memory of Leah attached to almost everything I owned. It was better not to think about it too much.
āHurt, devastatedā¦ā he didnāt bat an eye as I tossed my towel to the bedā¦ still not fully dried off as I pulled on shorts. āHeartbroken.ā He added. I scoffed and tried to look busy as I stuffed the pile of clean-smelling clothes into my closet, not paying any attention to what I was doing. I just needed to move.
āYou were there last nightā¦ you heard what Seth said. Someone like me isnāt capable of feeling that, Quil.ā The words came out in a rush. āDonāt you remember?ā
āSeth was a fucking idiot last night; give him enough time and heāll see that himself.ā Quil replied. āEven if he does it will be too late.ā I was stuffing socks in the cubbies I usually kept my shoes in and Quil acted like that was completely normal. āItās how you act that mattersā¦ not how you regret it after the fact.ā
Quil took a step backwards and stared at me with wide eyes. āWowā¦ youā¦ā He shook his head like he decided not to finish the thought.
āIā¦ What?ā I asked.
āNothingā¦ you justā¦ sound like, Leah?ā The words came out like a question.
Her name hit me like a punch to the gut and I was suddenly aware of the mild ache in my footā¦ like all the physical sensation rushed back in at once. āIām not going to have this conversation twice, Quil. Not until Jakeāā As if I had summoned him, the sound of Jakeās truck pulled up outside.
Quil crossed his arms over his chest and gave me a worried, confused look. āOnce it is.ā He said. āCāmonā¦ I made coffee.ā
I tried not to flinchā¦ I wasnāt sure howā¦ but Quil somehow managed to mess up pouring coffee grounds into the filter and filling the machineā¦ how it was possible? I have no idea. But it was a fact. The vehicle door opened and closed outside. I followed my best friend and housemate, taking the coffee he offered but I opened the cupboard and made this coffee very, very Irish.
āBit early isnāt it?ā Jake asked, dropping his keys in the bowl next to the door as though he lived here.
āNot the day after your Alpha sticks another packās Alpha on youā¦ without so much as a heads up.ā I shot back.
āJake!ā Quil whirled on him. The Alpha just popped a single brow.
āHello to you tooā¦ Going on the offence then, are we?ā He asked and came inside taking the cup Quil offered.
āYou sent Sam? Really?ā Quil shook his head in disbelief. āSAM!ā
āNot like it matters. Heā¦ā Jake gestured to me, still shirtless in my kitchen. āSlammed the door in his face.ā
āGood!ā Quil turned to me in time to see me grimace at the taste of the coffee, not even the whiskey could save it. āThat was fucking stupid, Jacobā¦ you get that, right?ā
āIām only one person.ā He shrugged. What the hell did that mean? Had he gone to Leah last night?
āYou spoke to Leah?ā I demanded. Sure, I was speaking to my best friend and my alpha, but I didnāt care if it was insubordinate. Not today.
āYesā¦ and thatās all Iām going to say about that, that was between Leah and I. This is about you, Embry.ā He said firmly and took a seat, noticing the damage along the back wall and saying nothing about it.
āIām sorryā¦ I didnāt realise your pack was in the business of respecting peopleās privacy.ā I scoffed. Swigging the bitter brew in my hand again.
āAnd thatās between Seth and I.ā Jake looked up at me, he was confident enough in his role as Alpha that he had no issue being seated while his pack stood. āAre you done behaving like a child? Or do you want to punch more walls before we get started?ā Jake glanced at the mess against the back wall.
āHe didnāt actuāā I gave Quil a small shake of my head, telling him not to make excuses for me. He stopped talking.
I rolled my eyesā¦ knocking a soundbar off a bracket hardly counted as punching a wall. I satā¦ signalling for him to get on with it.Ā He sipped his coffee and screwed up his faceā¦. āMaybe itās not too early to add a little whiskey to this after all.ā He spoke. Quil rolled his eyes, he was used to our comments about his coffee. But he grabbed the whiskey for Jacob.
Jacob waited; I wondered if he expected me to start spilling my guts about thisā¦ that was not going to happen. Then he sighed and dragged his hand through his hair. The worried best friend was showing through the Alpha now. I couldnāt find the energy to care. āAre you okay?ā he asked.
My stomach soured. I shook my headā¦ āNext question,ā I said.
āEmbryā¦ā Jake drew back as if Iād spat at him.
āDonāt make me lie to you, Jacobā¦ Next question.ā I locked gazes with him, pleading. āPlease.ā I exhaled heavily and thenā¦ it began.
The sky changed its shades before me, reds with oranges, with grey clouds covering and hiding in the mix, as I finally returned to the borders of our land. The wind kissing my skin through the open window. The Spirits hummed in a sombre tone welcoming a warrior back to where she belonged. She answered only to acknowledge their call, but nothing more than that.
I had one more stop to make before I could give Mac his truck back and work up to the next item on my list. The day so far hadnāt been as smooth as I had thought it would go. Maybe it was a way for me to be shown that even if my journey on the path to help and guide him had been short lived, his imprint on my life would last longer than a line in the sand.
Pulling up outside of the food bank on the rez, I climbed out making my way to the back of the truck. Opening the bed of it, I jumped up pushing the boxes of food forward.
āLeah?ā it happened againā¦ What in the Spirits was going on with me? This was the second time today someone had managed to come up to me without my sensing them beforehand. āI didnāt expect to see you here.ā It was the mom of one of the pups. Sheād been at the car wash yesterday.
āWe had some food that wasnāt used. And Ma knows you have that after school programme open.ā I didnāt need to say anything more, jumping down from the bed to stand beside her.
āThatās so generous of you.ā She clapped her hands together.
āItās maā¦ sheās the one with her fingers on the pulse around these parts.ā I told her stacking two boxes on top of the other before lifting then. āShow me where you want them?ā I asked following her into the building.
Once again, I didnāt need to hold a conversation. She did all the heavy lifting, but I wasnāt blind to the sideways glances as we walked. It wasnāt until we were inside. The tension between my shoulders deepened with five sets of eyes turning on me the moment the doors opened and then all went silent. So, the news (or some form of it) had begun to spread.
āWhere do you want these?ā I asked the pups mom again, letting her usher me away to the far side to set the two boxes down. Opening them I showed her what we had inside, when the whispers, and the shuffling started. Ā
The pupās mom raised her voice, trying to drown out the words coming from behind us. But she knew what I was, and she knew there was no masking what they said.
āAre we surprised? What else is she going to do?ā One voice spoke.
Another added,Ā āI told you; sheās always surrounded by all those boys.ā
āWhat about the young ones? Are they safe from her talons?ā A few hummed in agreement.
āShe has no shame. Her mom is walking around acting like she is all about the tribe and look at her daughter. Working her way around that group. They all mustāā
This last one crossed the line. I didnāt give her a chance to finish, because I veered around to face her. My eyes narrowed, and my one eyebrow raised. Daring her. At this point wishing her to keep going. Bringing my Ma into their fowl thoughts was not allowed. I didnāt give a damn what was said about me. But Sue Clearwater. Hell No!
I felt a hand on my arm, holding me in place (In name only. Because if I wanted it. No one here could hold me back.)
āPay no mind to such things. You donāt fall to their level.ā The pupās mom didnāt whisper. āThank you and Sue for everything you have done for this tribe.ā I didnāt need the praise; I didnāt want it. Turning away I left the hall. The sounds of their outbursts following me out.
Once I was safely in the truck, pulled away from the building did I want to scream. But I couldnāt. That was emotions. It was a way to open the towers Iād rebuilt. And I didnāt want to go there. But Fuck! Of course they were whispering about Maā¦ Here I wasā¦ over a decade on, and again my actions were dragging my Maās name in the dirt.
I hadnāt thought how long this conversation with Jake would lastā¦ of course, my refusal to answer most of his questions didnāt help the timeline.
āHow long has this been going on?ā Jake asked.
āI donāt know.ā It was honestā¦ I hadnāt counted. But Leah would have. Her mind worked like that, she would remember the time and dates of it all. And I would remember every heartbeat, every scent, every time she dropped her guard and threw open her doors to let me in. My breath shuddered, remembering how still she became when she slept in my arms. How sheā¦ My heart was in a vice!Ā āWeeksā¦ā I guessedā¦ adding more whiskey to my coffee. āMaybe monthsā¦ I donātā¦ā
āJake, you know heās shit with timekeeping. Does it really matter?ā Quil said in my defence. We both knew heād probably asked Leah the same question and gotten a precise answer. I wasnāt interested in playing his little game of comparison.
āIām just trying to understand why you lied Embryā¦ and Leahā¦ Leah doesnāt lie. This is completely out of character for you both.ā Jake pressed.
āNo one lied Jakeā¦ Not meā¦ not Leahā¦ not once.ā I stated, looking him in the eye for the first time.
āBecause I know you; I will take your word that you honestly donāt remember when exactly this startedā¦ but seriously? You kept this hidden for months and you claim you never lied?ā Jacob rolled his eyes. āI didnāt come down in the last shower, Call.ā
āI. Never. Lied.ā I stared him down. āNot about thisā¦ not about herā¦ I couldnātā¦ā I stopped. This was none of his business. Knowing how Leah felt about lying, I had never been able to tell a lie about anything remotely connected to herā¦ it just felt wrong to include her in something that she found abhorrent.
Jake scoffed and shook his head. āAll those nights you spent in Leahās house? You didnāt lie to anyone about where you were? And no one caught on? Who are you trying to fool?ā
āHe didnātā¦ not to me anyway and not to any of the pups Iāve spoken with. He just said he wasnāt coming home or didnāt say anything at all.ā Quil said this like it was a normal thing for roommates and best friends to do.
āAnd you never thought that was weird? The guy that has overshared every detail of his life since he could talk; just not saying a word about where heād been.ā Jake addressed him now.
āOh yeahā¦ā My roommate shrugged. āIt was totally weird. But he was happy, I figured he was seeing someone, and he would tell us when he was ready. He stopped bringing girls homeā¦ he played his guitar way more than normal, and he was sleeping betterā¦ not hereā¦ but In general he was less tired. Why would I want to ruin a good thing for my best friend?ā
āSo, you knew he was seeing Leah in secret?ā Jakeās attention seemed focused on Quil now.
āHe thought I was sleeping with a married woman,ā I said to take the attention away from him. This wasnāt on Quil. There was no way he should be getting the third degree over this.
Jake and Quil spoke at the same time. āThatās not what Iāā Quil started.
āThatās not the pointā¦ā Jake said.
āThis is about me,ā I said. āNot Quil.ā
āThis is about my pack keeping secrets from me!ā Jakeās voice rose.
āThis has nothing to do with the pack, Jacob. Leah and I go above and fucking beyond for this pack!! We always have and we always will and that has never once changed. Do you know why we were able to keep this a secret for so long? Because all of you push Leah so far onto the outskirts of the pack that you donāt see a Spiritās damned thing that is going on in her life unless it directly benefits you.ā I might have been yelling now and Quil was telling me to calm down.
āWe take and take and take from this woman!! And we give her fucking nothing back, we made her life a living fucking hell for years, because we were too stupidly immature to deal with the fucked-up emotions being forced into our heads. Thatās why none of you noticed a fucking thing!ā
Jake had arms crossed over his chest during my outburst. So casual that it made me kind of want to snap one off. āFinally including yourself as one of the people that did that too, then?ā
āI never forget it, Jacob.ā My voice was suddenly very, very quiet. āNot for one second.ā And stillā¦ she saw meā¦ she let me in. She rose above all that history and let us become something beautifulā¦ but not something endless. I could never be that for her.
Jake was quiet for too long then and went to the cool interrogation tone heād begun this withā¦ āWho started this?ā
āNext question,ā I said refusing to answer.
āYou both have leadership positions in this pack I need āā I cut him off.
āNext question.ā I dug my heels in, swigging my now cold, mostly-whiskey coffee. No answer would spare Leah the blame here. If I lied and said she did then she was out of line because sheās my superior and if I told the truth then she should have put me in my place and ended it instantly, she had certainly put me in my placeā¦ but thenā¦. My heart racedā¦ I could see it, clear as day. How she ran from her house barefootā¦ to me. For me. And her kiss? I couldnāt breathe again. No. No answer would do anything other than violate her privacy even more.
The guys were looking at each otherā¦ in shock, as they listened to the turmoil inside my body. āSpiritās āBry!!ā Jake dragged his hand through his neatly cropped hair. āHow did you getā¦.ā He held out his hands indicating the emotional train wreck that was me. āHere?ā Real concern filled my best friendās eyes.
āNext question.ā I gritted out through clenched teeth.
The day went on like this until Jake finally gave up and let me get ready for work. The sky was darkening as I dressed in my uniform. I texted Mom to check in and she replied with how her day went after I left her, and the total raised for the community centre. I smiled at her excitement; she was the last bright spot I had now.
Spirits, I was a fucking sad sack!! I need to get my shit together.
I said goodbye to Mom, promising to buy her dinner to celebrateā¦ I would have wanted to include Sue in that too, but I had no idea what I should say to her. How could I bear to see disappointmentā¦ disgust on her face?
I thought I would feel relieved when I made it easier to fake a smile and answer; āIām great!ā When people asked how I was.
āGod damn, Callā¦ā Joe eyed me up and down when I came into the security office to clock in. āYou look like hell!ā
This was exactly why Joe was so good at his side gig. He could read people, almost as well as the creepy mind-reading Cullen. āIs everything okay? Your mom?ā
āYeahā¦ Momās fine. Justā¦ā I had to give him something. He was too good at this to be deterred easilyā¦ āJust a little stressed out, you know.ā
āWhat do you need kid? You know Seattle didnāt use up all your paid vacation days. Need a little time out?ā Joe put a hand on my shoulder, and I knew better than to pull away.
āNo.ā I shook my head. āHonestlyā¦ I think I need to keep busyā¦ keep distracted. You know. But I appreciate it, Walker. Thanks.ā
āWell, if things change and a break sounds betterā¦ just say the word.ā Then he looked at meā¦ the same way he looked at me when I first met him. āAnything you want to talk about?ā
Again, I knew an outright āNo.ā wouldnāt make him drop itā¦ so I said. āNoā¦ maybeā¦ butā¦ā
āNot tonight?ā He finished for me. āAlright thenā¦ letās get started on that distraction. I had you on the private booths tonight but Iām gonna swap you to the main floor. I want you on your game and focused. You hear?ā He patted my shoulder and smiled, nothing in his tone was strict or remotely boss-like. This is why all his guys were so loyal. āYes, Boss.ā I drawled like I was amused and left the room as he muttered āCheeky little shitā under his breath, almost affectionately. Then I got right to work.
āYou made good time.ā Mac threw the bar towel over his shoulder making his way towards the back door to hold it open as I pushed my shoulder through.
āYeahā¦ā Biting the inside of my cheek. The time from the food bank to the bar wasnāt enough. Not enough for me to relive those words.
Not enough time for me to rage internally at my lacking.
Not enough for me toā¦ Lock it down.
āOkayā¦ā He drew out the small word for far too long. āNeed me to help with anything?ā as I set the keys to his truck into his hand. Mac only got a shake of my head as a reply, with him following me into the office. āLeah?ā His voice wasnāt easy going as it normally was. When my gaze darted up to him, he didnāt flinch, didnāt step back, didnāt even blink. āGive yourself time.ā
Spirits! Why? Why did they send me a friend like Mac at a time when I needed to rage at myself. Why was he here giving me something I may have needed, but sure as hells didnāt want? And he didnāt even know half of it. Never asking questions about anything over the years too.
āIāve got to go. You and the guys have everything you need for tonight, right? Donāt worry about closing. Iāll be in early to set up and have the bar ready for opening.
Macās fingers moved to turn the new schedule Iād updated, printed out and set on the desk. āWhy the changes? You like working into the night as much as you can.ā He asked me.
I couldnāt tell him the full truth of the matter. What was I going to say.Ā Yeah, my alpha told me I needed to step up and take the nighttime runs so that my path didnāt crossā¦.
Noā¦ I couldnāt tell him that, or anything really, so I said. āIām needed elsewhere in the evening right now. Are you cool with the changes. Whatever you canāt do, you know I will take off your hands.ā
His glance didnāt move from my face, making me question, what in the name of the spirits could he see there? āWeāve got this Lee. Weāre a team.ā
That word had only one meaning to it, but when used in front of me the images were morphing. Iād gone from being a person on the outlines, to making it in a few steps, to now being pushed out even further away. Because it was the only way I knew how to protect everyone from the inferno of my existence. I was doing it againā¦ Bringing the greater good down with my shadows. Ā
The sound of my phone tone bought me out of my stupor, it was time for me to go. Seth and Char would be here soon to join Mac. āIāve got to go.ā I told him picking up the keys to my baby. āLike I said. Iāll be here early. So, donāt worry about closing down.ā Setting my hand on the stack of papers. āHere are the invoices, they need to be checked with the stock. Iāll take care of it tomorrow too.ā I knew I was filling my time with tasks; the list was for my benefit. If it never ended, I didnāt need to let myself think too deeply about my situation.
āSure, if you donāt want the helpā¦ā He sat down in the chair behind him, kicking back to take me in. āWho am I to offer it.ā
Rolling my eyes, while pulling up the zipper to my jacket, pointedly looking back over at him. āYouāre really asking for an arse kicking, arenāt you!ā not a question. Walking past I gave him a playful smack upside his head.
āYou wouldnāt have me any other way, Leah Clearwater. Itās about time you stopped fighting it.ā Mac was teasing me, but the sound of joy in his voice was missing. Spirits! Had I done that to him too?
Pre-opening checks got interrupted by the Fire Marshallā¦ just fucking perfectā¦ Not that the place wasnāt up to code. I just really didnāt want company while I ran through the simple, uncomplicated tasks of checking the fire doors, alarms and extinguishers.
I heard Joe walking down the back corridor, the space was not open to the public. āIāll have to leave you in the very capable hands of one of my bestā¦ donāt get me wrong, all my guys are great. But Callā¦ heās dedicatedā¦ got that real protective driveā¦ you know? No idea why he didnāt go into law enforcement or firefightingā¦ā I heard a pat, as though Joe had just slapped whoever he was speaking to on the armā¦ there was something not right about his scent. āBut heyā¦ your departmentās loss is my gain, right?ā He chuckled and it was met only by a low, hum of;Ā Iām not amused but Iām trying not to be rude.
And it was femaleā¦ I gritted my teeth hyperaware of that unconscious bias I tried so hard not to have. But here it was, rearing its ugly head. They turned the corner just as I finished checking the contact alarm on the fire door. The Marshall wasā¦ pretty wasnāt the right wordā¦ strikingā¦ deep amber skin, just barely light enough to show a shower of freckles across her nose, a detail I was sure most people missed. At least until they were up close and personal, but not because she wasnāt the kind of woman people paid attention to. Just because human eyesight wasnāt great. She had thick braids wrapped in a meticulously tidy bun at the nape of her neck. Her uniform was perfect, not a crease or fleck of lint. A patch reading CCFPD proudly displayed. She was definitely the kind of woman men paid attention toā¦ (Well if they werenāt so insecure they couldnāt date a woman that could probably out-bench them and more.) Yet I registered this as nothing more or less than a fact.
She rolled her shoulder. Was that from where Joe had made contact? Not pain but just shaking it off, maybe? Or was it the reason a female firefighter who couldnāt even be thirty yet was doing this job instead of fighting fires? Had she been hurt on the job?
āEmbryā¦ this is Fire Marshal Adamās. Can you take her on your opening round and answer any questions she has?ā He asked like saying; Sorry, no was an option.
āSure, thing boss.ā I stooped to check the date the extinguisher by the door was last serviced, this was a step I normally skipped becauseā¦ well because I knew the exact date of the service.
Once Joe was gone, she became noticeably lessā¦ rigid. After a few expected questions like the clubās capacityā¦ procedures, and training; she caught me off guard with a personal question. āDid you really want to be a cop?ā She asked and I caught myself laughing.
āHell noā¦ Never.ā I said honestly, still chuckling a little. āJoe just teases me because I have Irish blood, and he thinks all Irish descendants become cops.ā
āArenāt we all a little Irish at this stage?ā She cracked a small smile. I just shruggedā¦ I wasnāt going to counter with the first thing that came to my mind. āSo, a firefighter then?ā
āFor a whileā¦ but I think most kids have the phase, right? Some of us outgrow itā¦ some donāt.ā I nodded in her direction as if to say like you.
āWhat made you change your mind?āĀ she pressed as I went through my routine, and she jotted down notes. āYou definitely would have passed the physicals.ā She instantly looked embarrassed. She had tried so hard to be professional. She started to apologise.
āI wonāt tell if you wonāt.ā I teased. Then I answered her question. āI watched one of my neighbourās houses burn down when I was a teenager. There was nothing we could doā¦ the mom was trying to heat the house because her two-year-old was sick for weeks and not getting better, she overloaded the wood stove. It took fifty-two minutes for the fire truck to get thereā¦ They lost everything. Two days later two white women and three cops came into our classroom and took the eldest boy from class, we never saw him or his sisters again.ā
She looked appropriately horrified and fixed her gaze back on her clipboard. I hadnāt thought about that in years. I hadnāt even bothered to learn the kidās first name. The rest of the inspection was quiet, with her only asking questions from the papers on her board.
Until Joe told me to walk her to her car, becauseĀ āit was just good mannersā. But I knew better. Joe wanted to ensure she left.
Once she was in, she pulled her window downā¦ āHeyā¦ā She caught my attention, and I lowered my head to look in. āWhat did you really want to be when you grew up?ā she asked. I was taken aback by the intensity of her gaze. By the Spirits!! What was with all these women sent to test me?
āChosenā¦ā I told her and now she was taken aback. My heart began to squeeze painfully again. So, I asked. āYou?ā
She paused for a few long seconds. āHeroicā She answered, honesty flooding her face and her heart racing at what I was guessing was a rare moment of vulnerability for her. āGoodbyeā¦ Embry Call.ā She said, turning her key in the ignition.
āGoodbye Firefighter Adams,ā I said and stepped back from her car. After a long moment of contemplation, I took out my phone to text Mac.
[Surprise Inspection from the Fire Marshallā¦ Might head to La Push next. I know you guys are in shapeā¦ just a heads up.] I couldnāt text Seth or Leahā¦ that didnāt leave me many options.
Then I went back to work.
Thankful had to be an understatement for the distance Iād chosen to make my clearing. The peace of the forest around me, without the chattering of the pups, of the other OGs had to be a gift of the spirits who had also chosen to keep their silence this evening. I knew the changes to the runs wasnāt going to go unnoticed, by now both the packs would know the truth, and I couldnāt hide here all evening. Jake had planned for me to run with Samās pack tonight, I didnāt know if it was to protect me from the voices, or to protect the pack from me.
Closing my eyes I dropped my head standing in the clearing stark naked, feeling the cold breeze kissing my skin I waited for her to step up, to fall free from within me. But she wouldnāt come. I called for her. I prayed for the spirits to guide her to the light, but she was lost in old memories.
We heard the old jokes, the mocking, the groaning from the past. We heard the way no-one wanted to claim us as theirs, and the relief of being set free when I made the decision to lock myself and her down.
Even with my eyes closed I could feel the strain on them to open to let those tears free, but I refused to. I felt the emanation of facts trying to find something to grip tightly. Anything to make her feel safe in our world. There seemed to be a role reversal taking place, where once she had been my strength and guide, now I had to be that for her. I had to be the one to show her why we were here, what good came from us that the others couldnāt contribute. How we werenāt going to allow our personal turmoil dictates the way in which we reacted. Ā
āWe will be fine, there is nothing anyone can say that we havenāt heard before. No words that could knock us down or break our will.ā I told her. To which she showed me our afternoon. The whispering sounds of the tribal women, the way they spread lies without knowing the facts. āYou canāt hold it against the pups. Of course they are going to speak to their families, of courseā¦ We donāt lieā¦ We canāt expect them to.
My form burst with a roar, a snarl, a gasp as my heart went from crushed to outright broken. She knew the truth; she knew secrets were kept for some in the past. Even now they kept things from their families. And yet, last night. What happened wasnāt even kept quiet for a day or two to give some breathing space.
Thatās when we heard the chattering forest come to life. The handover from one pack to the other, the questions as to what the new world would look like, the assumptions that had been made, and the justifications that were being formed.
āThey should have known better.ā
āHow did they think it was going to end.ā
āEmbryā¦ He was the one to dump Leah!ā
āWell, itās Leahā¦ how long could he put up with her stoney facade.ā
I wasnāt upset, or mad. Nothing that was being said or shared was untrue. What were we thinking?
Four big paws hit the ground, we shook out our fur, with our nose in the air she let out an almighty howl to grandmother. She called to the Great Wolf, and the spirits to help her find her strength. And all I could do was witness the pain that she experienced from the depths of our heart. She couldnāt help but take the situation personally. It was as much hers as it was mine.
Then it all went quiet. They became aware of us, followed by shock, with in a blink of an eye my walls were up and locked in place. Reminding her, we must protect them from the rage she felt. It was our responsibility to keep them unaware of what was happening within.
The night was barely beginningā¦ the DJ had only just started mixing and the club was slowly filling up. Another hour and there would be a line along the side of the building. The crowd was chill, the dance floor still had only a few people on itā¦ girls that had clearly pregame before coming here, but they werenāt messy drunk, so it was fine. They might need watching later though, fights between girlfriends could get messy.
But something was off. There was a sense in the air that something was going to happen tonight. Joe had left the security office and was walking the floor, psyching the crowd up to fill the dance floor. The more people danced the more they drank. There was a voice in my ear.
āDid you spot something over their Callā¦ you look uneasy?ā Joe asked, touching his ear like he was an extra in a spy movie. Totally unnecessary; the walkies were an open channel.
āNoā¦ not exactly. Just have a feeling it will be an eventful night.ā It wasnāt a strange thing to say. All of us would get these kinds of instincts from time to time, sometimes it was nothingā¦ but mostly we were right. After long enough in this job you became a pro at reading a crowd. There was a murmur of disagreements but promises to keep their eyes peeled tonight.
āIt is a full moon out thereā¦ it does bring in the weirdosā¦ So, letās stay sharp.ā Joe said. I didnāt point out that actually, last night was the full moonā¦ it was waning now.
My chest was feeling tight, and my wolf was uneasy. He wasnāt used to the way I swallowed our feelingsā¦ It wasnāt exactly our usual style, but if I followed them, I would be home, chin-deep in a bottle of Lahoteās moonshine. It was putting us at odds and that too was making it fucking hard toā¦. I donāt knowā¦ exist?
Function? Breathe? Fuck!! If anyone else said that I would think it was dramatic. But thenā¦ why was it bloody true? My mind was racing. Leah was at the bar tonight, who knew the kinds of things she would be hearing right now? While I had spent the day avoiding all of their bullshit. I had left her alone to deal with all the fallout!
My wolf lurched inside of me as if to sayĀ I told you so!Ā This had been what his uneasiness was trying to tell me. āBossā¦ can you watch the east cornerā¦ I need to get some air.ā The thing about Glamour? Everything was on cameraā¦ so you couldnāt use the call of nature to take a break unless you planned on taking it in the staff bathroom. But this was a call of the wild. My wolf needed to be outside. Joe agreed and I headed out back to the loading dock, the cold air hit but not in the relieving way it normally did.
It felt stinging and loud. And I was sure as the door flung shut, I heard a howl. But not just any howl, hersā¦ theirs.
I shook my head, tilting it up to where Grandmotherās light fought through the cloud cover. Leah was workingā¦ he was just feeling her wolfās heartacheā¦ Fuck! What the hell were those small-town-minded idiots doing!? I flicked the switch on my radio.
āPlease.ā I pleaded with Grandmother. āJust give her some peaceā¦ there must be a way. I will take her share if that is the price. Just one night, let her be.ā The ache in my heart and bones remained steady, one soul share of this pain. Clouds passed over the face of the moon, she showed herself for a moment, her answer clear. She was leaving us alone to wade through this murky pool.
I took another moment, breathing in to try and calm the animal inside. Then I headed back inside for the second time tonight, turning the radio back on after a stop in the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and pull myself together.
Ā The wore on and it turned out I was right. There were a few fights to break up, and not just the usual scrawny white guys pushing and shoving about who was hitting on whoās girlā¦ a few fists flew too, one ended up wrestling one on the ground like a bad high school movie. The worst partā¦ was I found with each one I was eagerly anticipating the next one, willing it to be bigger, more violent, a bigger challenge. It was only for a few seconds here and there until my protective instincts of a Spirit Warrior kicked in, the one we all had ingrained into our minds, bodies and souls. But I didnāt like itā¦ I hadnāt had a feeling like it since before my wolf first showed himself and I discovered I had been chosen for a higher path. Actually, that wasnāt true. There were a few times I would jones for a fight with Paul after thatā¦ we had butt heads a lot at the beginning. I pulled out my phone.
[Can you meet me at the gym after my shift?]
I sent it to Paul, trying to think about why the group chat with the boy was so quiet tonight.
The reply wasnāt instant.
[Arenāt you normally out at 4 am?]
[You can say noā¦ just looking for a sparring partner to blow off some steam. A good one.]
This was warrior code for: If I fight one of my co-workers right now, Iāll kill them.
[See you at 4]Ā He replied immediately.
I knew he was going to have questionsā¦ but At least I could hit him while he asked them. Three more hoursā¦ was that how I measured my life now? The number of hours between my utterly inadequate distractions.
Being teamed up with Jared wasnāt new for me, the two packs often mixed to cover the runs. The OGs took several of the night runs, ensuring the pups who had school, or worked for those who didnāt know about our calling, could get a good nightās rest before their days started. Then there were those like me, no one to answer too, so I could float to cover whatever was necessary. It was part and parcel of running with two packs in the same tribe.Ā
Tonight, I wasnāt running as a Beta, I was following orders by the Beta of Samās pack. And I knew how to fall in line. The rest bit came from not needing to keep my warriorās mind on lockdown to the full strength of our power tonight. With only Jared and I really needing to communicate for the time being.
āLee, could you take the Cullenās run for me tonight?ā Heād asked as soon as he locked his pups down. All those voices had been open when I turned into my warriorās form, which was why I could feel, hear, and see the images they had in their minds. Imagination of young men could go wild when given the chance, and these men were no different. The only saving grace for me. They knew how to fall in line too.
āSure, thatās not an issue with me, how far in do you want me to cover.ā I asked him. The answer chilling my blood.
My warrior showed us the lines in our mind, strengthening what I already knew. The lines heād asked us to cover would have us out of the way of the pack for the full term of the run. We wouldnāt cross paths, we wouldnāt need to communicate, we were being sent to the outskirts.Ā I told her he was doing us a favour, that this had to be the best for all of those involved. But it was the loss of her fight back that worried me. She didnāt push back or question. He was the Beta in charge tonight, and we werenāt while under his command.
We split ways with the pack as soon as we came to the Quillayute river running between the two land lines. The jump over wasnāt hard for us, with the speed of our stride we cleared the banks without needing to think about it too much. Our four large paw pads muffling any sounds. She stopped to look back over the other side for a split second. Watching the rest of them breaking up into their teams to cover the east, west, and south, as we turned north.
The sounds of their howls, their paws, and their movements in the forest soon disappeared leaving me and my warrior to our thoughts. Butā¦ we knew better. We werenāt here to think. We were on call to defend our lands for dangers that could harm the people of the tribe.
We had our mission for the night, so we set off to accomplish it.
These lands we knew like the back of our hand, we were better at running them than the others anyway. (At least thatās what I told her). Jake, Sethā¦ (Thinking his name hurt, but I pushed through) Would take these runs the most, because that way we could tell if something was out of place.
ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā
The sky was still dark as the night progressed. I hadnāt opened myself up to the rest of the pack, but I could tell where Jared was always.
I was checking in with him. When the unexpected sounds coming up from behind us caught our notice. The wind wasnāt playing fair for us tonight, so we leaped up and out of the way of the cross breezes, taking a wide run going back on ourselves, before taking a higher vantage point to pick up the scent coming up at speed. Of course, we could outrun them. But we didnāt run. We stood our ground, waiting for the right moment, before we leaped up and out from the rocks coming crashing down over the back of the Pup.
āWhat are you doing here?ā She snarled at him.
āIā¦ Iā¦. Leahā¦ā He shook as we tumbled on the ground, stopping only when my warrior had him pinned beneath our weight.
āWellā¦ Speak!ā her teeth bare.
āI told Jake I wanted to run with you.ā He whimpered.
This stopped her enough for me to loosen her hold of his neck. The pup wasnāt fighting. He dropped his eyes, bared his neck, in full submission to us. Ā
āPup...ā I spoke this time. āItās too late for you to be on a run. You need to go home. Take one of the early evening runs. Iāve got this one tonight.ā We moved to stand, letting the younger warrior who now that I noticed had overtaken me in height.
āI want to be here Lee. I can help. I know Samās pack donāt like running the Cullenās lands even now. And we never leave another to run alone. You are the one who taught us that.ā He earnt a huff from her. āBesides. Iām the one who gets bragging rights from this.ā He continued to babel. āAlone time to learn from Leah! The others would kill for that.ā He was on all fours running to keep up because my warrior had set off without warning.
I didnāt say anything. Had the pup not heard the Breaking News? Didnāt he know I was the leper in town again. But we could see it, in the way he fought to keep up by our side, the sideways glances. The tell in the pup when he had something to say but wasnāt saying it. And some part of us thanked the spirits for the fact. Not tonight.
My warrior slowed in her run, just enough for the pup to keep up, but not so much that he would know that we werenāt running at our chosen pace.
āI really like running the Cullenās lands. You knowā¦ā Weād opened a sliver of our minds for him to come in. āItās Nessās lands tooā¦ We must protect her and what is hersā¦ you know. At least thatās what I keep telling the guys.ā He got a sideways glance for that. The one thing we knew for sure was that this boy didnāt need any input from us to carry a conversation.
First, he updated me on his day, on what his mom and family had been eating for dinner, on what heād been telling his friends about the bet he had won. And so onā¦ and onā¦ and onā¦ it went.
Spirits! The bet! It was only yesterdayā¦ He had been so happy when I left him and the others at HwHā¦ Little did we know what was going to happen next.
This shiftā¦ was too longā¦ the crowd was rowdyā¦ on the plus side. I did get to grab a hipster-wannabe scum bag by his man-bun after I watched him slip something into three drinks. I intercepted them before his almost-victims touched them. As soon as Joe told me he had clear images on the security footage I snatched up the little weasel. He may have walked himself into a table or two as we leftā¦ not too hard. Just hard enough.
While we waited outside for the cops, I made sure to speak very loudly about why he was being restrained and what for; in front of the line of people hoping for a chance to get inside the only club in this one-Starbucks town. The murmur quickly rippled down the line, his name among the whispers. Goodā¦ At least the word would spread about him.Ā Some people were moving off now as closing nearedā¦ but some lingered for the gossip.
āSince when do you work the night shift?ā I smirked at Charlie when he pulled up with another deputy. I quickly adjusted my hold from the guy's hair to his wrists. He hadnāt put up much of a fight. Guys like this never did, it was why they needed to weaken their prey with pharmaceuticals.
āSince one of my Officerās kids went into labour with his first grandchild.ā He smirked.
āWalker is waiting for you in the office to show you the tapes.ā We knew better than to prepare the footage ahead of time. They wanted to see it through our system before making their own copy.
The chief turned to the deputy and told him to go talk to himā¦ that was weird. āReally?ā The green-looking cop said, far too excited at the prospect of being trusted with the handling of evidence.
āSure thing, you know the procedure. Iāll get Mr Callās statement.ā Charlie nodded to him to go. āLetās get this guy in the car?ā He asked and let me do most of the work while the spiker screamed about lawsuits and police brutality. To which all I had to say was.Ā āIām private security jackarse!ā
Charlie asked me what happened and where the female witnesses were. Heād need to speak to them too. He wrote down everything I said. āAm I gonna have to appear in court for this?ā I asked him.
āHopefullyā¦ā Charlie muttered, and I quirked a brow. āItās the only way to have him prosecuted Embry. Most likely theyāll read back this statement to you, youāll swear under oath that thatās the truth and youāll be free to go.ā
I huffed. āSometimes this job is more hassle than it's worth.ā
āYou stopped three women from being drugged and protected one from something a whole lot worse Embry. Iād say thatās worth getting your suit dry cleaned forā¦ā He chuckled and swatted my bicep with his tiny notebook.
My gaze snapped to his at that. āA suit?ā This made him laugh harder and lean against the squad car. The guy inside was sobbing now.
āIāve been hearing a lot of chatter from the Rez today, Embry.ā He was all Charlie now and less Chief Swan. Fuck!! It was off the Rez already?
āBilly?ā I asked him.
āNo, butā¦ I called after I heard. Heās worried about youā¦ about both of you. Says youāve fallen out with the boys over it all?ā He pressed. I scoffed and rubbed my jaw.
āIt's barely been a day, Charlie. Everythingās fine. This really isnāt any of your business.ā I wasnāt trying to sound rudeā¦ or maybe I was.
āBilly is like a brother to meā¦ Jacob is my businessā¦ Harryās kidsā¦ are my business.ā He pointed out. And I flinched, my wolf spun beneath my heart, hurting for the loss of the elder like it was a fresh soul wound. āIām not going to ask you what happened beforeā¦ but I heard you had a scuffle with Seth and some kind of blow-up with Jake?ā I said nothing and when he realised, I wasnāt going to reply, he continued. āI know that you have a lot going on at home right now. You need to ask yourself if now is the time for you to isolate yourself from the people who have always been there for you.ā
I rolled my eyes and took two steps back. āLeah was always there too.ā I snapped, too angry. Too defensive.
Charlie clicked his tongue, shaking his head. āNo one can go through what youāre going through without support, Embry. You need people you can depend on. Just think about it.ā
I shook my head and regained those two steps, dropping my voice low. āWhat if sheās all I need?ā
He stared at me for what felt like an age. āThen what the hell are you doing here, kid?ā
I scoffed and walked away. āGoodnight, Chief Swan.ā I stormed back inside as the closing procedures started. What the fuck was that? Why was I here? Why was I here? Like it was that fucking easy? My wolf was dying to release his anger.
The cops were still here as we locked up, transferring data and taking witness statements. I headed out to meet Paul and found him speaking to the Chief. āWhatād this one do?ā he asked and before Charlie could speak, I interrupted. āPickpocket. He was lifting wallets.ā If Paul heard the truth, he'd be likely to drag the fucker out through the window. āYou ready? Letās goā¦ā I headed around the side of the building to my Jeep. The gym wasn't far, but the lot would be locked by the time we were done.
āThat was a little rudeā¦ā Paul punched me on the arm when he caught up.
āIām not in the mood for small talk and Charlie has a job to do,ā I said, and we both climbed into the jeep.
Tonightās handover wasnāt completed in person. Jared and I spoke from a distance (which Iād placed between his pack and us.) I told him Iād sent the pup home at 2 am, gave him the run down of my findings from the ground weād covered. And took the feedback from him. Not that he needed to handover to me, but we had out of respect.
Now the problem was what to do next. I wasnāt in the mood to go homeā¦ Not yetā¦ I couldnāt lock her away when she felt so out of her depths. So, I asked her to run towards the cliffs. We knew the patrol had covered the run this way, meaning the next group wouldnāt start from the direction of the cliffs. It would give us a least a few hours to gather ourselves before we had to go back.
The cold breeze flowed through our thick fur, hitting our face and I knew she wasnāt allowing it to give her any joy. As our heavy paws slammed themselves down on the wet ground, covered with fallen leaves and forest mildew, the dark sky began letting droplets of rain fall all around us. The scents changed in the blink of an eye. Our mind brought forth images of a smiling face, dark eyes crinkled at the corners, and hair overgrown, in need of a cut. The thought came without the need to allow it free. Who is going to remind him to have a haircut?
She reeled at the way the memories hit, just by the scent of the woods changing. I didnāt stop her, sheād always let me work my shit out, and now it was time for me to give her that same grace period. My grieving could wait. She could take as much time as she needed. Ā
The wind brought the forest alive as only rain could, this was the life my warrior craved when she was out in the wild and in charge, but tonight it was muted. The vibrance of the world lost to us, the smells had no sharpness to them. Our senses didnāt seem to be as aware. Something at a lossā¦
I finally called on her, asking her to beware of the dangers she could be leaving us exposed to. This made her shake her mind out from the spiral I could sense her attempting to drown in. Now wasnāt the time to hold her in! Soā¦ I let her be free.
Our paws kept hitting the ground on the incline, taking long strides, and jumping over fallen trees. The scent of the ocean, the saltiness of it burning our nose, the sounds of the crashing waves beating against the cliffās edges ringing in our ears. The adrenaline pulling through us, wanting to jump higher and higher. To become one with the spirits, and the wind, to be even faster, the need to burn in our muscles if we couldnāt set the world on fire!
An almighty final leap and that was itā¦.
The white giant wolf went shooting off the side of the cliffās edge and into the blackness of the night. Our eyes wild and wide open seeing the morning light of the sun breaking the crest. But we couldnāt admire the beauty in that moment. Too soon it all came crashing as I pull her back, pushed myself front and centre taking the lead as our body hit the water with a crash!
Black waves engulfed our naked human body. If we had been any other person, the jarring shock of the ice water would have sent us into distress. But we lived. We knew we wouldā¦ This wasnāt a cry for helpā¦
A place where the sound could be hidden in the ocean, never to be heard by another living creaturesā ears. This was what she needed, and I didnāt question her call for it.
I closed my eyes and let her fall into the darkness of my soul. She had protected me from the first moment she came to me, now it was my turn to be there for her.
At the door of the gym, I punched in the last four digits of my membership number allowing us 24-hour access. It was a perk of working for Glamour. They wanted all their staff to look goodā¦ so everyone got a top-tier membership with 24-hour access. I really only used it to work out with the guys from work during regular hoursā¦ just because I needed to appear to put in some kind of effort to stay in shape. It was unnecessary but it was good to burn off energyā¦ especially now. They didnāt have a security guard because they had never had any problems with theft or members causing trouble.
Inside Paul waited while I pulled on a pair of shorts and trainers from the bag I always kept in my Jeep. Because you never know when you just might need to run off into the woods and strip.
At least that was life for a Spirit Warrior.
āSoā¦ we just arenāt going to talk about it.ā Paul asked as we headed to the boxing ring. āTalk about what?ā I asked. If he was going to bring šš„ up I was going to make him say exactly what šš„ was. Would he use the same words that Seth had? āSoā¦ no?ā He quirked a brow in a way that made me wish I already had my gloves on so I could punch that brow right back to where it belongedā¦ but there were cameras here so I couldnāt get in a cheeky punch. I tugged the lace and pulled on the other glove. Paul did the same and we got into the ring.
āReady,ā I askedā¦. We hadnāt warmed upā¦ but no one who checked the overnight footage would see it as a red flagā¦ Probably just laugh and say weād be hurting tomorrow. We started to slow. A few jabs... but the movement was building up inside, opening the locks and anger I didnāt think I was capable of any more started to spread through my veins.
āI saw Seth today.ā He spoke. His eyes flicked to the cameras. They didnāt have audio. I said nothing, if we spoke about Seth right now, I would likely crack one of Paulās ribs. Not that it wouldnāt heal by sunupā¦ but still. I didnāt need the hassle from Rachelā¦ Iād deserve itā¦ but I justā¦ he cut off my spiralling thoughts.
āHeās not doing so good.ā
āPoor Puppyā¦ suffering the consequence of his own actions, is he?ā I scoffed and swung a left-right comboā¦ both landed, and Paul flinchedā¦ not because it hurtā¦ Because leading with the left was Leahās move.
āWe all make dumbass moves when we're shocked, Callā¦ you telling me youāve never made a mistake?ā Paul swung a right hook that I danced back from.
āDid he say it was a mistake?ā I asked. I wasn't sure if it would make a difference. Probably not right nowā¦ but maybe someday. Paulās lips tightened, to my astonishment and a little horror and smug, dark satisfaction filled me and I swung a left, catching his chin. āDidnāt think so.ā
āShit āBryā¦ you really are pissed.ā He rubbed his glove against his jaw.
I scoffed. I wished I was pissedā¦ Pissed was easy. Pissed was temporaryā¦ fleetingā¦ this. This felt etched into my bones. I wasnāt talking about how I felt about Leah. That was engraved into my soul. But this anger at her brotherā¦ at what he did to herā¦ to both of themā¦ to us. Paulās back hit the ropes, and I suddenly remembered how many hits I had landed as I backed him to the corner. As he let me back him into the corner.
āFuckā¦ Are we sparring Lahote, or are you letting me beat your arse?ā I growled.
āA little from column Aā¦ a little from column B.ā He smirked.
He shut up and we sparred for a while. Paul landed a few punishing blows to my ribs and the jarring sensation seemed to knock something loose. Then Paul and I were locked up and I was screaming while he locked his he yelled at me the let it all out. My skin was too hotā¦ the room was too hot. There was a sensation I could only describe as being in an elevator that was descending too fast.
ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā
I squeezed the water bottle over my head, but everything in me just wanted to take an icy showerā¦ I couldnāt remember the last time I had taken a cold shower that wasnāt in her house so I could step out of the bubble with pants that fit.Ā When we were apart, I cranked the temperature to feel closer to her. But this morningā¦ doing that only made the ache worse.
Paul sat next to me at the edge of the ring. āI have to have Embry.ā He said. āWhy?ā
I shook my head. āLookā¦ No one is going to understand why weā¦ā
āNoā¦ āBry.ā He stopped me. āWhy the secrets?ā
The laugh that escaped me was indecipherable from a sob. āBecause the only world that would ever accept us is the one that we built, Paul,ā I said, looking him square in his eyes. There was so much more to it than thatā¦ but thisā¦ this was the only part that they needed to know. He opened his mouth like he was about to speak and then closed it and looked at the water bottle clenched in his hands.
He didnāt try to deny itā¦ he knew it was the truth, and I appreciated that he didnāt try to tell me otherwise. āAre youā¦ Okay? Quil isā¦ā He dragged a hand along his jaw. āWorried.ā
āI have to be okay,ā I said plainly.
āThereās no one else here āBryā¦ just say what you really feel.ā He nudged.
āI made a promise, Paul. Iāmā¦ I justā¦ have to be.ā I spoke. Paul looked like he was about to speak, and I blurted out. āMom knows.ā To keep him from saying whatever it was.
āWell, shit!ā He blew out a long Ā breath.
āYeah, Sue called herā¦ I guess after she tried to call me, but Quil had my phoneā¦ she wasā¦ā My chest clenched. The idea of Sue Clearwater being mad at me was enough to cause physical pain. āJake sent Sam to my houseā¦ Momās house.ā
Paul scoffed and shook his hand. āOh, I knowā¦ I heard all about it. It wasā¦ā
āStupid.ā We both said together.
After another silent moment, he slapped a hand onto my shoulder. āCome on then. Letās get you home, you need a night's sleep in your own bed.ā
I shook my head. āYou go ahead Iām going to wipe down the ring. It's after hours, we gotta clean up after ourselves.ā
āIāll help.ā He jumped up looking far too eager.
āNo go ahead I need to clear my head anywayā¦ you okay to run home?ā I didnāt tell him I wanted my Jeep, so I didnāt need to join the hive mind a moment before it was necessary. After the obligatory exchange of, are you sure? Iām sure. Were done Paul left, clearly relieved and I got to work.
We had hardly worked up a sweat so the deep cleaning I did with the supplies in the maintenance closet was unnecessary. I took out my phone and just hit shuffle, not able to face the choice of a song.
(Music: Loves You Like I Couldnāt Do Ā· Duncan Laurence)
I picture you when we first met
That first kiss on your doorstep
Wish I'd framed that moment
I sit here waiting for your footsteps
Heart beats fast, I know there's no way back
I dropped my phone onto the padded floor. My soul was cracking again, and I was frozen.
Thought it would last if we just kept running
We played our hand now we're left with nothing
I finally scrambled for the phone and shut off the music and just barely resisted the urge to hurl the phone across the room. āFuck!!ā I dragged my hand through my hair. āCāmon, Call!ā I scolded myself under my breath, gripping the top rope. āGet a grip!ā I opened the message app on my phone. The urge to send this song to Leah and talk about how it punched me in the gut was strong. She would get it, she would understand. But a new sort of loss swept over me in a tidal wave.
The messages left in our thread were pack-relatedā¦ the back and forth arranging the open mic nightā¦ the car washā¦ runsā¦. Momās appointments. All the music we shared all the silly, crazy, random and fucking beautiful things weād said to each other were gone. The sense of loss was as fresh and knife sharp as it was at the rings last night.
āIt was real.ā I squeezed the phone in my fist, only easing off when the plastic creaked. āIt was real, we were real,ā I told myself over and over again.
I wasnāt sure how long I spent cleaning the ring and then taking a shower that could have waited until I got homeā¦ The cold water turned out to just be a different kind of torture. The sky was lightening as I drove back to the Reservation. I had thought last night had been the longest one of my lifeā¦ but maybe this one felt even longer.
I would be okay. If it was the last thing, I ever didā¦ I would be okay. I wouldnāt break that promise.
Nothingā¦ We both came to the same conclusion together as we walked bare foot around the house opening the windows to let the outside in.
Nothingā¦ was left of the last six months but memories most would question. The fact that Jake helped to clean my house that night, Iād not pushed back on itā¦ Now irked me to the point that I wanted to kick my alpha in the balls!
At the time Iād been working on auto pilot, I could see what he was trying to do, but I hadnāt the time or the foresight to see how it would feel later when the dust settled a little bit. And now I could hand on my heart sayā¦ It felt like shit! Because if it wasnāt for the Gibson sat in its case on my armchair across the living room, Iād be mistaking it all for a dream. Even though I knew I didnāt dream.
The scent of him was gone, the way the cushions on the couch had shaped around him, had been straightened. His clothes Seth had scattered around the living room and bedroom were gone. Another rush of loss came skurrying out of the darkness she had hidden herself into.
Everythingā¦ Felt lost and broken.
And I didnāt have an answer as to what came next.
My body curled into itself as I lent on the wall and slipped down to the ground. My eyes on the ceiling to stop the flashing images of the last morning we spent here together. The way I felt waking up beside him. The hum of music playing as I cooked breakfast while he showered. The scent of him and coffee permeating. It was all gone and replaced by the pine scent of my cleaning spray.
ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā
Once I let her sleep in the knowledge that she didnāt need to come out, I stepped into my shower. There was a need to wash the salt and ocean from my skin off. Without thinking I turned the tap on, and with a blink of an eye I turned it cold. I couldnāt do it. I couldnāt stand the sensation of heat against my skin. It was too much. The reminder of what we had was too much for me to deal with. I knew it wasnāt going to be safe for me to fall from the path at this time. Only one of us could spiral. And she deserved it more than meā¦ Because I should have known better. I should have known how the world couldnāt accept what happened between us. I knew they all wanted more for himā¦ And stillā¦ still I didnāt fight hard enough to stop him from falling into this life that was becoming a nightmare because of me.
Embry had so much more to lose than meā¦
And still, I didnāt fight thisā¦ I should have fought for his reputation!
I was the reason for all this painā¦ the heart breakā¦ and I couldnāt even shed a tear.
I droveā¦ changing my mind twice a minute about whether I was going to my momās or back to the sanctuary. I pulled in next to my bikeā¦ the sun was coming up. I had decided that if I was okayā¦ I could go home.
That was what okay people did right?
Slept in their own bed, ate in their own kitchenā¦ spoke to their brother slash best friend slash roommateā¦ right? If I did all that then I was okayā¦
When I walked in, a sleepy Quil was leaning on his doorjamb. āWelcome homeā¦ā He offered me a smile. There were no pups here tonightā¦ they would probably give the place a wide berth for a while. That hurt my heart in a whole different way than I have been hurting sinceā¦ āShould I make some coffee or are you going to try and sleep?ā He asked.
I pulled out my phone and checked the time. āI have time to sleep before my run. And pleaseā¦ for the love of the Spiritsā¦ no more coffee.ā
He laughed and came over; he hugged me and patted my back. āWeāre running together later so Iām going to sleep tooā¦ā Then prompted by my look he said. āThe schedules had to be shuffled a bitā¦ The new one is in the group chat.ā
I nodded and headed into my roomā¦ I stopped in my tracks. There was a pile of neatly folded clothes at the foot of my unmade bedā¦
āShit!ā Quil was scrambling from his room to mineā¦ āI forgot to tell youā¦ Jake asked Ness to drop those off for you.ā His shadow fell over me from the doorā¦ but all I did was stride forward and reach into the pile for the one I knew was the last piece of clothing Iād seen her in, that morningā¦ my t-shirtā¦ her cookingā¦ the music in the kitchen.
Spirits she was so fucking beautiful.
I lifted it to my noseā¦ not caring that Quil watched as I inhaled the scent ofā¦
I snatched shirt after shirtā¦ shorts, sweats, jeans. Nothing.
My body started to shakeā¦ the beast inside couldnāt handle it anymore and he twisted the pain into rage.
āEmbryā¦. Calm down and fucking talk to me!ā Quil was gripping my shoulders as I vibrated with the strain to keep the wolf inside.
I broke from his hold and opened the Find My Friends app, the map flooded with the boysā locations. I pinched the map and confirmed that Jake was home, and I burst out of the room.
āFUCK!!ā Quil was on my heels. I shoved my phone and my momās hospital beeper at him. Knowing the burden of them would slow him down. I ran out the back door to the treeline. The moment the early morning shadows swallowed me his paws hit the groundā¦ I spared a brief moment to lament the boots I lost in the transition. I really fucking liked those boots. My head flooded with shocked voices, they hadnāt been expecting meā¦ but I wasnāt here to run lines, I was here to protect the people.
The only desire I had was to protect herā¦ defend her. Defend us. Because we were fucking realā¦ we could not be wiped out of existence by detergent. I blocked them out as best I could. I knew there was a chance that Jake would have a warning by the time I got there; if one of the pups was close enough to his phone to phase and shoot off a text.
The treeline close to the Blackās place always had a small stash of Jakeās clothes. I grabbed a pair of shorts and pulled them on. I knew Quil would be on the way in his car already.Ā
I found Jake at his table, sipping his first coffee of the day. Ness across the table from him. Billy lowered his paper as I entered. I took a breath to calm myself enough that I could be trusted to kiss the top of Nessieās head.
āMorning Little One. Iām sorry about this.ā
āOookay!!ā A deep V of confusion between her brows as she turned in her chair.
But I was already in motion, grabbing the front of Jacobās shirt and yanking him from his chair, slamming him into the fridgeā¦ Much like he had done to me once.
āJesus fucking Christ!ā Nessie sighed and I heard her shuffling to push Billy out of the kitchen.
āEmbry!ā Jake warned. The shirt still gripped in my fistā¦ I had carried it the whole way here. The shit... The band name splashed across the front and the tour dates down the back. I held it in front of him.
āWho the fuck do you think you are!?ā I growled in Jakeās face. His expression was completely neutral.
āYou have ten seconds to remember the answer to that question before I remind you the hard way, Call.ā Jake said, utterly, maddeningly, unperturbed by the fact I had him pinned against his fridge with a floral-scented Bon Jovi t-shirt shoved up under his nose.
āWhat the fuck did you do? You said you went to her house. Why? To fucking erase meā¦ is that why? Do you think fabric softener is going to make this disappear? You have no fuckingāā All the air left my lungs as Jake slammed a flat palm against my ribs, making enough space to grab my arm and spin me, and then the cool tiles connected with my cheek.
āThat was twelve secondsā¦ donāt say I didnāt give you a chance.ā Jake sat on my back.
Fucking sat on me!! Like we did when we wrestled as kids. And like a petulant child, I wriggled to get free. āFucking Alphahole prick!!ā
I only realised I said it out loud when Nessie snort laughed. āThereās nothing funny about this, baby.ā Jacob shoved me back down against the tiles.
āIt kinda is thoughā¦ I told you to mind your own business.ā I heard her settle back at the table and pick up her cup.
āThis is myā¦ā Jake huffed. āIf I let you up, are you going to act rationally?ā He was talking to me now.
āLet me up and Iām gonna kick you in the fucking balls!ā I grunted trying to free my wrists where he had them pinned against my back.
āFucking hell!!ā It was Quilā¦ heād made good time.
āGrow the fuck up, Embry.ā He scoffed. āEverything I did had a reason. Iām just trying to help you put this shit behind you!ā
This shit... This shit!! The growl that escaped me was animalistic.
āYou no fucking idea what This shit... even is. You have no Spiritās damned idea what you have done to her!ā I snapped my mouth shut. Fuck! I said too much.
Ness and Quil both held their breathā¦ shocked at this tiny revelation and what it might mean. But they would never understandā¦ not truly. āThen tell me, Embry.ā He said. I couldnātā¦
I wouldnāt tell him how he had stripped any lingering presence of mine from her home and left Leah and the beautiful soul she carried, beyond alone. Nothing left to hold onto, nothing to wrap themselves in and try for the fitful sleep they were allowed when we werenāt with them. The fact that they only really rested with us there; to keep them present and not world walking with the ancestors. I wouldnāt tell him how she slept in the shirt I had most recently worn on the nights I didnāt spend there. How he didnāt even allow her a single night to feel our very last embrace between her sheets. Noā¦ I wouldnāt tell him. I wouldnāt tell him all the things she didnāt know I knew. The things our wolves whispered to one another as we slept.
All the fight left my body. āDidnāt think so.ā He released me and climbed off me. I rolled onto my back and Quil was there with a handout to help me up. āYou should know better than to go up against an Alpha, āBry.ā He shook his head.
I didnāt respond, there was never an intent to harm, just to get my fucking point across. From the way, Billy glared at me from the doorwayā¦ and Ness looked at me like I broke her heartā¦ Jakeā¦ Jake wasā¦ defeatedā¦ he looked soā¦ tiredā¦ Yeah, my point had completely missed the mark.
āYou really need to evaluate your priorities and your actions, son. One minute youāre asking about tribal enrolment and the next youāre attacking your alpha and future chief?ā Billyās no-nonsense tone rings out and the boys both look at me.
I rubbed my jaw, where I still felt the phantom touch of the floor tiles. āYeahā¦ about that. Forget it. It was a stupid idea. I umā¦ā I looked at my brothers. My throat swelling shut. āI was mistakenly under the impression that I mattered hereā¦ā I tossed the balled-up shirt at my lifelong friend. āBut apparently, thereās nothing about me that canāt be washed away with a spin cycle and a little fabric softener.ā I headed for the door.
āDammit āBry thatās notā¦ā Jake started, and I cut him off.
āDonāt, Jake. You wiped me out of her life like I was a stain, Jacob. You made it crystal fucking clear you have no respect for me or the choices I make for my own life. Iāll take my afternoon runā¦ after that, I need a few daysā¦ Iām going home. To a place that never tried to wipe my existence cleanā¦ no matter how long I stayed away.ā I made my way past our Chief. I headed to the front door this time. Knowing thatās where Quil would have left his carā¦ I didnāt want those voices in my head again. Sure enough, his car was there, engine running, driver door; open. Before I got to the passenger side, I heard tiny, too-fast feet behind me, and I turned just in time for her to run into me. She hugged me harder than anything so tiny should be able to.Ā
She said nothing and I hugged Nessie back. The longer the hug lasted the harder it was to hold the floodgates shut and I knew that was what she wantedā¦ for me to let everything pour out and then it would all be better. Normally she would be right. But this was not one of those times, if I let this dam break the torrent would be unstoppable and I couldnāt do that, not to Leahā¦ not to Nessie. She would feel it too deeply and I had already let her down. Let Leah down.
When she realises that it isnāt going to happen, she whispers. āI love you.ā And lifts onto her toes to kiss my cheek.
āLove you too, little one,ā I reply as Quil makes his way to the car and Ness makes her way back to her soulmate. She would never know how much it meant to me that she was the only person who hadnāt passed judgmentā¦ or pried. She justā¦ cared. She saw pain and wanted only to ease it.
It was the constant buzzing coming from my phone that had me walking bare foot, with only a towel wrapped around me through the quite house. Out of habit I left my phone on charge by the front door, because it didnāt matter where in the house it was, I knew it would be heard.
The name flashing up on my screen wasnāt one I expected so I answered without hesitation. My eyes moved to the mirror on the wall, as I brought the cell to my ear, I saw the steam coming off my shoulders where Iād not had the chance to dry myself.
āHeyā¦ Is everything okay?ā I asked in a cold tone but pulled it back at the last minute.
āLeah? Ohā¦ Yeahā¦ Yeahā¦ Uhmā¦ā My frown deepened, I saw the clenched jaw in my reflection, making me open my mouth and close it. Waiting patiently, with that knowledge, people found it intimidating to talk with me at the best of times. But a small part in the back of my mind thought we had made some progress on it. Then againā¦ Maybe not.
āLeah, are you there?ā The voice asked again.
āHmmā¦ Just waiting for you to find your words.ā I replied.
āOh, yeah. Sorry.ā I sighed deeply.
āWhat can I do for you, Nerd?ā I asked calmly.
Something in the tone of my voice, with the use of her nickname seemed to judder her out of her lost mind. There was a background sound of a door closing before she cleared her throat to speak.
āLeah, please could I ask you to stop by the practice sometime this week? Iām looking forward to completing the tests on your blood work for Dr Cullen. Thereās no rush. Whenever you have a moment to stop by.ā
My dark eyes were still locked onto my reflection staring back at me in the mirror. Did I want to do this? No. But would I. Yes. Since the Nerd found out about our world, sheād been working closely with Carlisle and Edward to learn as much as she could to try and help the packs in a time of need. It wasnāt as though we could walk into a doctorās practice or rez clinic with broken bones.
Check the time on my phone before answering. āI know itās still early. But could we do it now? I can be at the practice in ten.ā
āYes, that would be perfect, Iām just leaving home too. However, please do not change your plans for this.ā After reassuring her it wasnāt a problem we ended the call, so that I could get dressed and leave home too.
ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
The first scent to hit me when stepping into practice was that of fear, followed by illness, and then of the tall 5ā10 vet walking in my direction.
āThank you for coming so early.ā She smiled pushing the rim of her glasses up her nose.
āItās all good.ā Saying it as I pushed my hands into the pockets of my jacket, searching her eyes forā¦ I wasnāt sure what. Did she know about what had happened? Did she ask me here for some other reason other than to give her a testing sample of blood?Ā I could help myself. But I saw nothing on her face.
āItās actually a good time to do this. Jess isnāt due in for an hour, so itās just us and frosty here.ā Pointing to the door over her shoulder.
āFrosty?ā questioning with a perfectly raised eyebrow.
āYes. Frosty the hamster is in the back. I came in early to feed and give her some company.ā She smiled big while walking me into the practice. I didnāt feel the need to ask anything more.
One of the things I liked about the nerd was that she didnāt have the need to fill silence. She was fine with going with the flow, with the ability to read the room. The spirits knew how right now, I didnāt want to be around anyone if I could help it.
ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
Giving blood didnāt take long, however the nerd got herself excited and asked if I would do a few more tests for her. Anyone else, and Iād be gone. But for this one. I just nodded my head letting her get on with it. Once she was done, the vet told me to stay put until she could see if she had taken enough blood. Who was I to argue with her? Her soul was too kind for me to give her my back off look.
Sitting on the table I knew wasnāt meant to be used by humans, I found myself smirking internally speaking to my Warrior. āIf Rose could see us now. The blonde would die laughing.ā The words were for her, but she hadnāt come out of her hiding other than to keep our journey down here in her overview.
āSheād have about a million dog jokes ready to use. Untilā¦ She sees my face that is.ā Rose had a reputation of being the coldest of the Cullens. I knew too well how easy it was to live up to what was expected. Spirits Iād been living the same life before my warrior. But weād found peace with each other, if nothing else for the fact her husband and I had found a friendship. Meaning weād grown to appreciate each other over time.
āOkay, I think I have everything I need for my call with Dr. Cullen tonight.ā Her eyes glimmered, her cheeks rosy, with the most innocent smile on her lips, as she pushed the rim of her glasses up her nose. A flashā¦ a glimpse of her came to me while I sat here of how the pup saw and felt towards her. And it made my heart feelā¦ I wasnāt sure what the feeling was. But I knew it was a good thing.
āAlright thenā¦ Iāll leave you to it.ā Stepping down from the metal table, rolling the sleeve of my button down free.
āWhy donāt you stay for a coffee? Jess will be here soon with some delicious offerings from the bakery.ā Her offer didnāt come from wanting anything. Nothing more than wanting to share her breakfast with me.
Before I could reply I scented the young Clearwater, hearing the main door of the practice opening. My cousin came in like a whirlwind of cheer, and goodness. Her surprise as she saw me in her workplace was soon pushed to the side when the Nerd told her Iād be joining them for breakfast.
Could I leave? Yeahā¦ Could I have hidden away from the world for another day?
Yeah, I could. Butā¦ The two pure souls thinking they were dragging me into the back kitchenette with them were able to bring my warrior out of hiding. Her eyes were open, she listened to the two women laughing, joking, teasing, and sharing a life outside of the two packs. I couldnāt take her away from the first sign of willingness she showed since the pup had been around us on our run last night.
So, I sat back in the chair they offered me, made the correct sounds, at the correct times, and let them give me and my warrior a much-needed reminder of how some humans could be the height of kindness. These two people in our life didnāt know how much it meant to me to feel my soul breathing again, even if it was just for fleeting moments. Because soon enough the two of us would need to re-face the hole in our chest.
Rage, anger, bitterness, general sense of fuck-right-off-nessā¦. I was all these things.
Orā¦ I wished I wasā¦ but honestly? I was hollow, exhaustedā¦ the minute we turned off Jacobās Street all I could think about was how incredibly disappointed Leah would be when she heard about this. I buried my face in my hands for a while. Quil drove silently until I leaned back against the headrest.
āThat was a really shitty thing you did āBry.ā He said, but there was no animosity in his tone.
āJake will get over itā¦ maybe next time heāll think twice before violating someone's spaceāā I was cut off.
āThe Jake thing was just stupid.ā He let out a dark chuckle and made a turn that wasnāt heading homeā¦ I didnāt even care. He reached into his pocket and pulled out Momās beeper. āUsing Momma T to manipulate me like thatā¦ that was crossing a line.ā
I could have said I hadnāt meant it that way, I was too angry to think straight. That my temper flared and got the better of meā¦ It didnāt happen much these days so on the rare occasion that I did I was granted the benefit of the doubt.
āI know,ā I said instead. I didnāt say I was sorryā¦ it wasnāt how we rolled. āIt wonāt happen again.ā
āIf it doesā¦ youāll be the one getting kicked in the balls.ā He saidā¦ but again there was no sharpness. I took the beeper and my phone. There was a text from Seth that I swiped to delete before reading itā¦ I knew myself too well to believe I would just ignore it if it stayed there unread. āIām going to get a real coffeeā¦ do you want one? Or are you going to try and sleep for a few hours?ā it was daylight nowā¦ or what passed for daylight for La Push this time of the year.
Sleepā¦ fuck? How do I even try to do that? Even when Leah was right next to me, she was in my dreamsā¦ my deeply vivid dreams. I couldnāt take that, getting lost in the memory of herā¦ and waking up aloneā¦ I had done it before of courseā¦ but she was stillā¦ I wasā¦ we wereā¦
āI donāt think Iāll have time. I want to pack a bag before I leave after our shift.ā I told himā¦ āSo yeah... a coffee would be great.ā
Quil sighed. āEmbryā¦ā He shook his head. Then he seemed to rethink what he was going to say. He pulled up outside the cafĆ©, Jessica Clearwater waved at us cheerfully, pulling out as we arrived. There was no way to know if sheād heard the newsā¦ sheād still have been friendly and enthusiastic even if she had.
āYou coming?ā Quil asked, pushing his door open wide. He looked down at my bare chestā¦ āOn second thoughtā¦ Iāll get this to go.ā He chuckled. āShould we split the bill?ā He teased.
āSorry, I left my wallet in my own pants.ā I smiledā¦ but it feltā¦ forced. He tapped the roof of his car and then headed inside. I just awkwardly scrolled through my phone -which was awkward because- I had exactly zero social media apps. But a message came in from Nessie.
[I know you fell like you need to right nowā¦ and if itās what you chose to do, I get it. Butā¦ I really hope you donāt. If you doā¦ come back soon.]
ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
Back home we tried to act like it was a normal day. We drank our coffee, and he asked about workā¦ I filled the conversation in with the story about the fire Marshall. Quil didnāt make any jokes about checking a firefighter off my listā¦ There wasnāt a list, but it was one of his usual teases. Quil wasnāt working so he cleaned the house for the few hours we had to kill before our patrolā¦ and honestlyā¦ even though I was sure the shift change was something to do with last nightā¦ I was glad that it meant I would be on the first run after all of this with Quil. As I was taking out the laundry, I had busied myself with, out of the machine. I frozeā¦ What ifā¦
I cleared my throatā¦ to get Quilās attention over the Twitch stream he had playing for background noiseā¦ I just couldn't face music right now.
It was weird, but was sure it would pass. Right?
āUmā¦ the shift changeā¦ isā¦ uhā¦ isā¦ Sethāā
āNo.ā He cut me off. āI figured that was part of why things were changedā¦ to give you both time to figure outā¦ wellā¦ everything.ā I audibly sighed with relief and the sensation was compounded by the fact that Quil just grabbed the vacuum cleaner from the closet and continued his normal routine. One I knew would piss him off when he had to cut it short. I separated the laundry, threw the dryer-friendly stuff back into the washer-dryer and headed out to the back porch to hang up the rest; where it would be sheltered if it rained.
Getting away from the noise of the motor, the gunshot sound effects and worst of all the
āDuuuuude!!!! Aw man!ā and āDid you see that dude totes explode?ā Commentary was once again a relief. But there was still this constant sense ofā¦ something weighing me down. I knew what it wasā¦ but I didnāt think I had any words for it. The near-constant effort to keep my wolfās anger at bay was exhausting. I hadnāt felt like this sinceā¦ well since I had no idea there was a Spirit Warrior inside me, raging to be free.
The time came for us to head out for a run. Because we were home, no one expected me to be at the clearing beforehand. One of the Pups that wasnāt on shift came to grab the beeper and my phone before we left. I hadnāt even thought to make any arrangements. But Quil had texted him and asked if he could drop it off at Rachelās for me. No other conversation happened at the doorā¦but the tone was sombre.
I couldnāt stand thisā¦ everything was strained. It was awkward and awfulā¦ and was all my fucking fault!
As soon as the dryer was finished, I packed a weekend bag, though I was starting to waver on the idea of going away for a day or two. After we ate some take-out leftovers, we headed to the treeline for the back of the house. And it was thereā¦ I froze. When I passed earlier, I was fuelled by anger. And now? Now I was just so fucking drained. āāBryā¦ itās going to be okay.ā Then he shrugged. āWellā¦ it's going to be shit. But just think about itā¦ this is going to be the worst of it, once you do this. Then you never have to take your first run after everything came out ever again.āĀ Quil patted my shoulder. I just rolled my eyes at that. Because he was wrongā¦ some runs were going to be worse than this.
āYou donāt agree?ā He asked quirking a brow, obviously having read my expression. āYou mean when you run with Leah?ā He asked.
āThatās the only run that I know I can make it through.ā I knew I couldā¦ because Leah and I? There was nothing we couldnāt work out. I knewā¦ even if we couldnāt work out. I knewā¦ even if we couldnāt communicate, we would learn how to navigate that together. āBut Sethā¦ Samā¦ the pups I think I can deal withā¦ butā¦ā I shook my head. āLetās just get this over with. But I see that my admission about Leah had his head spinning and again I cursed myself because Iād said too much. He wouldnāt be able to keep from thinking about what that meant while he was in the hive mind. I couldnāt be selfish enough to keep it to myself.
I stripped amongst the tattered remains of the shorts and shoes I had exploded out of earlier and promised the ancestors that I would clean up every scrape when I returned at the end of my shift. Then Quil and I gave each other the space to phase.
My wolf burst forward wanting to release all his anger and resentment and I had to fight to keep him from spuing all that pent-up emotion into the hive mind. It wasnāt fair on the Warriors that had nothing to do with this.
āI knew heād come!ā
āOh, please you totally thought he was going to blow us off.ā
āI meanā¦ couldnāt blame him.ā
āI wonder what Leah is like ināā
A yelp that I could only hear through the bond echoed in my head.
āThatās enough!ā It was Jake because of course it was Jake! āYou and I are going to lap the entire tribal line for that commentā¦ if you fall behind, youāll be taking an extra shift this week.ā
He was making the pup pay for his disrespectā¦ these kids couldnāt control their thoughts sometimes. Not that I was making excusesā¦ they couldā¦ they should, and they needed to learn. I secretly hated that I agreed with Jake.
āEmbry, where are you going? Hold ground until handover and assignments.ā Jake sent the thought in my direction.
That was when I skipped to a stopā¦ I had been running full pelt in the direction of the pup that had that inappropriate thought! To do what? What the fuck was wrong with me. My wolf snarled as we waited for orders.
Running on autopilot wasnāt a concept I usually lead with, but it was hard not to let my mind move without letting my memories dig into my thoughts. Just another reminder of how life had evolved over time.
All the doors and windows of the bar were wide open, the smells of the heavy drinking from the night before dissipating slowly as I got to work. Even though Iād made it clear to the guys not to close or set up for the next day, they had done most all of what was needed giving me a head start. The list on the tasks to be completed had the first few checked off in my head before Iād rolled the sleeves of my button down up, and the rest I moved through in complete silence.
Working in the bar became second nature years ago. It had been my hide away from the rez and the bull shit I didnāt want to spend time concentrating on. But now it felt as though part of the evolution Iād only moments ago patted myself on the back forā¦ Wellā¦ it was falling a little short.
ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
When the sounds of wheels came from outside, I dared to glance up at the clock over the door in the office. The morning had gone by without realisation, the tasks and work I found as I went about my day achieving exactly what I needed it to, that was until I heard the door of the vehicle open and close followed by the sound of footsteps across the pebbled shingle.
āBy the Spirits.ā The groan escaping as I dropped the invoices on the desk before me, leant back in the chair, eyes rolling to the ceiling. This was the last thing I needed to deal with. But I had to acknowledge on the other hand, it had taken longer than Iād planned for.
The footsteps came in through the front doors of the bar, which in hindsight, I could and should have locked before coming to work in the office.
The scent changed around me, as I heard feet working their way around the bar, sounds of bottles moving, glassesā¦ the ice chest opening and closingā¦ āWhat theāā I started before the loud voice broke my peace.
āI donāt give a shit how long you make me wait Leah Clearwater. I will wait.ā I knew it was true. Even as I closed my eyes. Readied myself by putting every wall up, locking myself down tight before making my way to the front of bar.
Leaning on the door frame, arms crossed over my chest, I stood taking in the scene before me.
āWhy donāt you help yourself to my personal bottle of Woodford.ā My voice was flippant and off handed. Until the dark eyes narrowed and locked on to mine.
āThe Fuck I will. Be thankful I didnāt come in guns blazing Clearwater.ā This made me arch my eyebrow. āAnd donāt give me that righteous eye brown thing you do. You donāt have a fucking leg to stand on right now.ā
Without replying, I broke my gaze to look down to both my legs under me, one foot curled around an ankle before glancing up again. āFuck off! You know what I mean.ā
Letting out a deep sigh, one hand moving across my face in the attempt to wipe away the weariness that had been trying itās best to drown me. āWhat do you want? The bar is closed, and you know it is. Donāt you have a job or anything better going on?ā Ā Ā
āYou know I do.ā My eyes followed the movement of hands, one pouring out a double finger of my Woodford, and the other waving in the air. āBut Here I am. Fuck me. I had to hear it from the link tree of the pups?ā
āRachelā¦ā A warning sounded from my lips, but it was lost when I saw her hand move to her bag on the bar top. She took out Ms. Cās beeper and set it down next to the glass of bourbon. My over heated blood didnāt run cold. My mind didnāt blank. Seeing the small device here shouldnāt have sent my heart racing. It shouldn't have brought back memories of nights it had lived on the table beside my bed. The times I took it from Embry, so that he knew someone else would take the weight for a short amount of time so that he could sleep.
āHow many times did I ask you. I even set you up with some nice guysā¦ā
Sheād been speaking, I wasnāt sure how long for. I didnāt even care what she was saying. All I saw / heard where the last words heād said to me that morning. The mornings before. That feelingā¦. The one where I felt whole that I didnāt even know I was missing.
āBut Embry? Really? Did you even think what it would mean?ā
She was waving her hands in the air now, but still, I didnāt hear her. I knew why Rachel had the device. He was on his run. She was the person heād trusted his momās medical needs for today. But why did she take it out in front of me and set it down like this?
āWhy the fuck did you do it?ā That question pulled me back to the now. With my eyes narrowed before I did something stupid, I ground my teeth making her stop a rant and rampage.
āWhy in the name of the spirits do you think I would be willing to answer to you Rach? I didnāt ask for your help. I didnāt ask for anyone fucking oneās help. I didnāt need your help for a date. You did that all by yourself. Fuck.ā I was standing upright now. āI remember vividly telling you to mind your own fucking business several times.ā There were no bites in my words, I wasnāt even showing her any of the anger bubbling deep in my chest.
āNoā¦ You just thought it was a good idea to repeat a past mistake with Sam, by fucking Embry Call, and fuck with the pack dynamics again?ā As soon as the words came out of her lips Rachel sucked in a breath. Her hands shot up to cover her mouth. āShit... Leahā¦ I didnāt meanā¦ā
Holding my hand up my eyes never leaving hers. āNoā¦ Rachelā¦ You did. Now if you are Done. You know where the door is. I got your message loud and clear. I fucked up the pack. I am the fucking replaceable one. I need to remember my place. Born to sacrifice for the good of the pack and the tribe. I GOT IT. Now Leave!ā
Her eyes filled with tears; the rims red as they flowed down her cheeks. The protector in me died at the reality that my words hurt an imprint, and that I needed to fix this. I needed to take her pain away. Not become the reason for it. And yet I couldnāt move. I couldnāt speak. Because I was holding on by the skin of my teeth too.
Jake put me on the central lineā¦ meaning I was literally penned in on all sides by the pack. But I did as I was toldā¦ like a good little soldier. Quil stayed on my right shoulder the entire run and I could tell he was trying to keep his thoughts to himself. He was conflicted, puzzling out what I had said even though he was trying really hard not to.
Jake seemed to be keeping the incident from the kitchen to himself for now.
āAre you all just gonna pretend that nothing happened?ā One of the guys thought. And it set off a chorus of:
āYeah, this is weird!ā
āThis is all so fucked up.ā
āI canāt do this again!ā
That one had a snarl ripping out of my chest. āIām NOT Sam!ā
āCALL!ā Jake put me in my place. āEveryone needs to focus on their tasks. So, letās get this out there. Yes. Embry and Leah had an inappropriate relationship and itāsāā
I scoffed, barking a wolfy laugh. āDonāt be such a little bitch Jacob.ā Shock rippled through the hive. āWeāre both adults and neither of us is one to be pressured into something we donāt want to do. So, letās shut that bullshit down right now.ā
āThatās coming from the guy that slept with a married woman twice his age and had no idea?ā I had been so focused on Jake that I had no clue where that thought came from.
āWait thatās true too?ā A young pup echoed.
āShut up!ā Jakeās alpha voice barrelled through us all. āThis is over! I am your alpha; I will deal with any and all rule breaks in this pack.ā
I laughed again and Quil joined me this time. āWhat rules, Jake? This isnāt the damn military! We lieā¦ to everyone all the fucking time, we sneak out, we ditch work, and family. We avoid relationships and human contact in case people notice that we have a constant fever hot enough to kill a person. We exist in fucking hiding, Jacob. Only a select few of us get to experience a genuinely open and honest relationshipā¦and the FUCKING second, we find that; we bring one more person into the secret who must spend the rest of their lives lying to the people they love the most too. So please, great fucking Alpha, enlighten us on what the rules are for our society of lies and deceit?ā Because I for one am just dying to know!ā
āWe are protecting the secret of the Pack, Embry. Suddenly, youāve had an attack of conscience. You want to go public. You want to tell your mom after all these years.ā Jake scoffed.
I just laughed again. āI know damn well what we are doing, Jake. I never forgot. But letās not get high and righteous about morality and code of conduct without remembering who the fuck we areā¦ Do you want honesty while demanding lies? Well, guess whatā¦ I donāt give a fuck if your bloodline makes you better than me, you canāt have both. So, choose; do you want your pack of liars, or do you want the complete truth all the time?ā The hypocrisy was so fucking deep that it cut like a blade, and I felt it slice through the pack. I felt their guilt. I felt the sorrow of the kids who returned home to crying mothers who had discovered empty beds in the middle of the night, the weight of failed relationships, and the epidemic of loneliness that most of these boys and men faced. The hopelessness in some and the hope in others.
This life was a blessing and curse, but there wasnāt a single person here that I would begrudge any secret that brought them joy or peace, or even just some fucking carefree fun and laughs. What the fuck was wrong with that?
Not a Spiritās damned thing.
āSo, Jake wants this addressedā¦ here it is. These are the facts of the situation.ā There was a collective intake of breath. āThis is none of your fucking business. It has nothing to do with the pack, itās a private matter. Seth Clearwater violated the privacy and the trust of his sister and of someone he used to call a friend, which has unfairly put this issue in your heads and your hearts. No one was lied to, and no one was negatively impacted by anything Leah, or I did. This is not the fallout of anything Leah or I did, this is the fallout of the poor choices that Seth made.ā I paused.
āHonestlyā¦ Iām disappointed. I wonāt speak for Leah, but I am disappointed that you donāt have a single ounce of grace among any of you. I have given all of you, everything; the pack, the tribe. I gave you all my home, my time. I have sat in hospitals when your families were illā¦ I have been to every single funeral. Iāve never forgotten a birthday or the anniversary of a family pet. I have sat up till four in the morning helping with study sessions, or just to be there. Iām allowed to have something private, we all areā¦ Leah too. I donāt owe any of you anything. Why are you all so angry? This Happened to me and Leahā¦ not any of you. What makes you think you have any stake in this?ā I didnāt wait for answers, I didnāt want any. āThis isnāt about any of you. You are not entitled to ask us for anything we donāt want to freely offer. Nowā¦ can we all stay in our fucking lanes and get back to work?ā
Mind replaying the look on Rachelās face, the despair prominent as she left the bar on those short legs of hers. I couldnāt shift the promises Iād made and broken today in the way Iād spoken to her.
By the time Char arrived to start his shift, Iād off loaded todayās delivery with the hatch of the basement opened, Iād been carrying the boxes and cases of supplies down. Heād seen something in my demeaner warning him to keep his distance, more for my good than his. But finally, he began speaking. I didnāt know Char as well as the others knew him, and I knew this was on me more than his actions. He wasnāt as talkative as his boyfriend, which meant the two of us enjoyed our time together knowing it would be spent in peace.
āSoā¦ā Finally, I turned to face him as he spoke before continuing with work. āDid you know about the spot check we had?ā I didnāt, but I didnāt need to ask as Char went on. āMac told us that there may be a spot check from the Fire Marshall, which as you know wouldnāt have been an issue, we run a tight ship here. However, it was nice of your friend Embry to tell us they were working in the area.ā
Okayā¦ so now Char really had my full attention. I froze mid-way in opening a case of beers to refill. āWaitā¦ Embry gave the heads up?ā Something that didnāt shock me. Of course, Embry wouldnāt change the way he treated people. He wouldnāt not share key information like thisā¦ He didnāt have it in him. The man was selfless.
āYeah, Firefighter Adams. Youād have liked her Leah. She was on the ball. Did her job, asked clear and intelligent questions. Asked to see the bar, the office, and the doors. Checked to make sure we were up to code and left.ā Char was putting up some new posts on the walls.
āFirefighter Adams.ā Repeating the name, not one I knew. āIs she new? I donāt think sheās visited here before.ā I asked getting back to work.
āYeah, by the looks of it, Mac got chatting with her as they walked out. Heāll know more about her.ā He added. āItās time for you to go now, isnāt it?ā He tapped his wrist, which made me half smirk. Because Char didnāt wear a watch. Ever! But he wasnāt wrong. Soon Seth would be going on his run, and then heād be here with Char and Mac for opening.
ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
I should have gone home; the problem was that home didnāt feel the same right now. Every wall, surface, cushions and more all shouted out memories I didnāt want us to face. Then againā¦ would it have been better than sitting here in the diner for my meal where peopleās eyes were on me. I reminded her that they werenāt all aware of the situation, even though we felt as though they were burrowing into my flesh. Some would call it paranoia. We both knew it was just how the tribe liked to find something to talk about.
āHere you go, Lee. Is there anything else I can get you?ā Gemma asked setting a plate down before me, with some cutlery, ketchup and a bottle of mayo.
āNo, thatās all thanks Gem.ā Giving her a half smirk. āHey, howās the pup doing with you?ā Asking after the little dog sheād rescued from the dumpster behind the diner.
Gemma smile grew ten folds, as she rested her hip on the booth opposite me, watching me pick up the bottle of Mayo and ketchup to mix the two together on the side of my plate. āNugget? He is amazing. The little man had a hard start. However, to see him now. You really couldnāt tell.ā She gushed.
āThatās got more to do with you, and some to do with himā¦ but definitely more you... You know that right?ā Her eyes drifted as she contemplated what I said, so I continued to speak. āYou gave him a place to call home. A place where he wasnāt alone. A safe place to grow, to flourish, to be himself. Soā¦ If he is thriving. Itās on you.ā Pointing my chin towards her as I spoke.
Gemmaās eyes glistened, she stepped forward with her arms lifting before remembering who I was, then her arms dropped into the pocket of her apron. āThank you, Leah. You donāt know how much I needed to hear this today.ā Glancing over her shoulder as the bell sounded over the door of the diner. āShout if you need anything else, okay?ā
āOkay.ā I repeated thinking to myselfā¦ I did have it in me to take someone elseās needs in consideration. But how Iād messed up with an imprint. āBy the Spirits.ā Looking down at the fries on my plate. My stomach filled with rocks. Ā
The rest of the run was silent and awkward as fuck. Part of me didnāt regret a single thing I said, and the other part hated myself for saying too much again and again! It seemed like the second the shit hit the fan I was just betraying Leahās trust over and over.
This fucking torrent I was living in was non-stopā¦ the shit storm of emotions was harder to deal with than my first phaseā¦ thisā¦ feltā¦ endless. Like I would spend the rest of my life missing the nearness of her.
And it was all my fucking fault!
I was so quick to blame Sethā¦ but it wasn't all him. He was just a tool the Spiritās used to humble me, punishing Leah alongside me for no good reason. I sent a prayer out to anyone who would listen! Thinking; Please, fucking please!! Great Wolf, Ancestors, Creatorsā¦ please donāt let her suffer like I am. Please.
The end of the shift came after about twenty hours of patrol in deafening silence. A few of Samās pups began to pop into the map that played constantly in my head when my wolf was connected to the hive mind. Brady's head was busy withā¦ worryā¦ empathyā¦ guilt?
Before I knew it, he was at my side, brushing the shaggy grey shoulder of his white and grey wolf against mine. āIām sorry, Embry.ā His thoughts popped into the map that played constantly in my head when my wolf was connected to the hive mind. Brady's head was busy withā¦ worryā¦ empathyā¦ guilt? He thought openly to the members of both packs. āI should have left last night when I knew what was happeningā¦ but I didnātā¦ not untilā¦ā His wolf chuffed a sigh. āNot until it was too late. Iām really sorry.ā
I tilted my eyes to the mossy forest floor, and after a beat, I nodded. āYou were the first one to walk away, Fuller. Thank you.ā I replied, and the kid dropped it.
Then I felt himā¦ the wild flash as his mind joined the pack. āWhy the fuck is Seth running with the Uley Pack?ā I hadnāt meant to put the thought out into the hive.
āI put him with Sam for a few runs until you can both get over this.ā Jake said.
I snapped my teeth in his direction, even though he was two point three miles away right now. The effect rippled through the packā¦ or packs.
āYou canāt avoid me forever, Bry. You can ignore my texts as much as you want, but you canāt avoid patrols.ā Seth was still fucking angry! Like I was the one who had done something wrong. What the actual fuck!?
āOh, it wasnāt ignored, it was deleted before it was opened. I have no interest in anything you have to say.ā I quipped back, my soul aching at the spot where he had severed the limb that was our friendshipā¦ our brotherhoodā¦ our fucking lifetime of trust and loyalty. It was a cut I wasnāt sure would ever heal.
āYouāre a fucking child sometimes, you know that?ā Seth huffed.
āIām the child? Iām the fucking child when you turned over your sisterās bedroom like a snooping teenager. After you threw a fucking tantrum in front of the entire pack becauseā¦ what? You think you have some sort of authority over your sisterās love life? Are you serious?ā
Seth was coming into view from the trees now, heading for me like he might attackā¦ But I was in his head. He was just showboating.
āStop it right now!ā Jake snapped. It wasnāt an order. Not yet at least. Leahās brother skidded to a stop in front of me.
āLove life?ā He scoffed. āOh, please! Like you evenā¦ā
āStop talking, Clearwater. Now!ā Jake was using his alpha voice now. Sethās mental tirade cut off, and Sethās rage was splitā¦ splintered between Jake and meā¦ but when he looked at meā¦ it was like he hated me.
Jake ordered Quil and I to head off, and he would handle the handover. He didnāt need to tell me twice. I had nothing at all to say to the man who had ruined my life. The wave of shock rippled through the pack.
Shit! I needed to get a handle on my emotions.
As my best friend and I dressed and gathered up the scraps of my clothing from my explosion earlier, he turned to me and sighed. āWhat did you mean earlier?ā He asked like I was privy to whatever his train of thought was. I looked at him, confused.
āI know you donāt want to talk about itā¦ and Iāve tried not to pryā¦ butā¦ā
He was talking about that slip about ruining my lifeā¦ but I had no way to explain that away without telling a bold-faced lie. āNothingā¦ Iām justā¦ Itās justā¦ā
āI know.ā Quil hung his head. āBut itās not your fault, Embryā¦ you canāt take the blame for Seth reacting badly.ā
āOh!ā I paused. Oh! That was what he meant. āUmā¦ yeahā¦ well Seth will need to deal with his own shit butā¦ I played a role in this, too. Itās hard to explain. But this is my fault also.ā
I watched his throat bob, and he examined the ground, but he wasnāt looking for pieces of shredded shorts anymore. I sighed. āI umā¦ā I cleared my throat. I cracked and told him. āTheā¦ morning of the car wash. I knew it was important to her soā¦ I...ā My throat was tight. āI tried not to disrupt her morning routineā¦ so that everything would run on the schedule she had in her head. I kept telling myself thatā¦ it was fine, that we had all the time in the world and that we would be alone again soon and weā¦ I just.ā My eyes stung now. āI broke a promiseā¦ to never take itā¦ take her for granted and nowā¦ā slowly wondering through the trees.
āYou think you're being punished?ā There was pain in his tone.
āI know I am Brotherā¦ and the worst part isā¦ Iām not the only one. Iām the one who should pay this price. No one else.ā
ćRachel Lahoteās POVć
I pulled up outside the boyās hideoutā¦ I flipped the visor down, dabbed my fingers under my eyes, making sure my mascara was still in place, and I fixed my smile on my face. If Leah needed to vent whatever this bullshit was, like thisā¦ then fine. I could take one for the team. I bet she was already feeling guilty anyway.
Ā I headed up to the door, which I knew would be unlocked even though no one was home, clutching my purse that contained precious cargo. They really needed to start locking this doorā¦ I stepped insideā¦ WOW! This place wasā¦ cleanā¦ Quil must be really stressed out. Well, apart from the crack in the wall and the speakerā¦ I was sure used to be attached to that same wall, leaning against a bookshelf with sagging shelves filled with everything but books.
An unfamiliar ringtone chimed from my bag, and I set it on the newly added table in the main room of Quil and Embryās house and dug out the phone. It was an unsaved number. Oh no! The hospital? A doctor?
I rolled my eyes, noā¦ probably one of his side chicks. Yet another reason this whole thing was ridiculous. āHello,ā I answer, not bothering to announce whose phone I was answeringā¦ let her think she was calling a guy with a girlfriend. I mean, she kinda was, soā¦
āOhā¦ sorry.ā The thought was cut off by a male voice. āI think I have the wrong number.ā
āAre you looking for Embry? I can take a message, he should be back any minute.ā I asked.
āOhā¦ thanks. Yeah, we were just wondering if he was still going to meet us at the community centre in the morning?ā
My brow furrowed, and he clarified that Embry promised to teach them to lift weights if they helped at the car wash. I smiled. āIāll have him text you, but Iām sure heāll be there. He never breaks his promises.āĀ
I hung up and smiled. āWellā¦ thatās going to put a dampener on his little plan to run away.ā And the back door opened and in he walkedā¦ Perfect. That means he heard everything.
ćQuil Ateara IVās POV ć
By the fucking creator! Everyone was so damn angryā¦ was it always like this for the warriors that hadnāt imprintedā¦ I donāt remember any other pack member or pup taking this much shit from anyone over a relationship. After Rachel gave Embry the phone and his momās beeper, she left, dissatisfied with Embry's lack of answers.
I knew Embry was pissed heād forgotten the promise that he made to the kids. He had already packed a bag to go visit Neah Bay. But I was secretly gladā¦ maybe it would make him think it through before he left. I had no idea where it came fromā¦ but I was worried that if he left, he might stay gone longer than he was talking about.
As soon as he went to his room, I heard him shuffling through songs before I heard a clatter like heād just chucked his phone, and the room went silent. Music was his life, and now he couldnāt listen to it.
[Can we talk? Just me and youā¦ please? No Lectures, I promise.]
This was the first message in my thread with Leah alone that wasnāt about Claire, and the last one in it was months ago. I hit send and followed up quickly.
[Iāll understand if you say no.]
I sat on my bike, one foot on the ground and the other on the side of him as I watched Quil pacing before me. Of course Iād agreed to meet him. I knew it was coming, and after the day Iād had, why in the name of the spirits wouldnāt I just make it a home run with the number of people coming at me.
Quil had asked if I could meet him at the back of the store, he had to come into work to cover a shift, so this was the best place for us to meet. Maybe heād hoped that it would give us some form of privacy, or maybe it was for his convenience. I didnāt give a crap at this point. But when I saw himā¦ There was something in the way his eyes widened when he arrived to find me here. As though he hadnāt expected to see me. But he knew meā¦ If I said Iād do somethingā¦ I saw it through.
He stopped in front of me now, his jaw working, I could see the words in his eyes, but they just werenāt making it out of his mouth. I knew I could make it easy on him, give him a bone per say. But what would it achieve?
āLook, Leahā¦ā FINALLY Wordsā¦. The thought came so fast and out of nowhere that she laughed.
āFor someone who hates words, you seem a little too eager to hear his.ā Ā If only she could see past her pain and discomfort. This was the last place I wanted to be. But I had to face what I had caused.
āIām not going to sitā¦ wellā¦ standā¦ here and pretend like Embry isnāt the reason Iām hereā¦ā Of course, Embry was the reason heād reached out. Why would he think I would think otherwise?
āAnd I promised youā¦ that I wouldnāt ask you anything you might not want to answer.ā
āSureā¦ sureā¦ I donāt believe him.ā She scoffed.
āSoā¦ā Quil continued. Ā āIām just going to say this.ā he took a deep breath. āListenā¦ I remember the sounds of my best friendā¦ my brother, sleeping more soundly than he had since the first night his mother spent in the hospital these past monthsā¦.ā He combed his fingers through his hair.
āAnd itās the most like him he has been in yearsā¦ until last night that is.ā This part hit her and me hard, Last night? Had it only been one night? One misplayed step brought us here? Ā I pulled myself back into the moment. To listen to Quil tell me how I messed up his best friendā¦ his brother.
āThe way he acted today.ā He continued.
āWhat do you mean, what way did he act today?ā I couldnāt stop myself from asking, My eyebrows pulled together in a frown, but I knew I messed up the moment Quil tilted his head and watched me closely. āWhat happened to Embry?ā I asked
He started to pace again considering his options. It took him another few moments before he told me how Embry faced off with Jake at his house, how the Pack has reacted, but more so how Embry had responded. Heād pushed backā¦ on his alphaā¦ on the packā¦ What in the Name of the Spirits had made him do that? I knewā¦ Of course, I knew! But we had made the rules of engagement clear from the startā¦ Nothing we did would impact the packā¦ Rule Twoā¦ He knew itā¦
Rule 2. The pack is second only to family. We will never leave our packs blind-sighted by not showing up. Never put our needs before them and the people we were born to protect.
āLeah?ā Quil was standing in front of me again, looking at me like he never had before. āThere is something different about the two of youā¦ Heā¦ wellā¦ and youā¦. Yourā¦ā He couldnāt find his words again.
āIāll fix itā¦ I will make it go back to the way things were. I get it nowā¦ I messed upā¦ Iām going to fix it.ā I found the words. I knew it before; however, Embry had made me forget itā¦ to think there was more to my being here. When the truth wasā¦ I was only a guide who shouldnāt have stepped out of her place. The spirits needed him to see them, and I should have helped and walked away. I didnātā¦ and now he was fighting with his pack brothers.
āThatās your takeaway from this? From everything Iāve told you?ā He looked perplexed. āSpirits Leah Clearwater, nopeā¦ not what I am saying.ā
āTo be honest, Quil. I have no idea what it is you want from me.ā Being as real with him as I was willing to be.
āListenā¦. If what youā¦. and heā¦ Embry I meanā¦ if you both hadā¦ whatever you want to call it or not call itā¦ If it gave you as much peace and happiness as it gave himā¦ Then I think youāre both fools for letting anyone else take it away.ā
Okayā¦ I didnāt see this coming. I wasnāt even sure I heard him correctly.
āOh, you heard him clearlyā¦ whatās the catch?ā She huffed.
Now wasnāt the time for her to give me attitude!
āBut,ā His eyes darkened now. āIf it didnāt give you the same peace and happinessā¦ Ā thenā¦ of course, you shouldnātā¦ā he sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. Ā āSpirits, Leahā¦ Iām not Embryā¦ I cannot phrase this like himā¦ Butā¦ I guess what Iām saying isā¦. Pleaseā¦ do what will make you the happiest.ā He clasped both his hands together as if he were sitting in prayer.
āI know this wasnāt one-sidedā¦. It couldnāt beā¦ Not with the things Iāve witnessed in the past months, and over the last twenty-four hours.ā What had Quil witnessed that made him so sure? How and what had he seen?
āAnd I will tell you something Leah for freeā¦ What makes you happiestā¦. Isnāt always what's easy, I know this more than anyone else in this pack... Because every time Claire goes home, Iām terrified that sheāll get hurtā¦ or bullied, get her heart broken. But at the same time, Iām so happy because she loves school, she loves her parents, the drama club, and her friends.ā
āShe is your imprintā¦ We arenātāā I couldnāt finish that sentenceā¦ I didnāt know whyā¦ But I just couldnāt say out loud what Iād been trying to not see for some time now.
āI knowā¦ But you donāt need to imprint to know that feelingā¦ā His eyes were pleading with me to understand.
āJustā¦ Wellā¦ Just rememberā¦ Everyone says that the best thing isnāt the easiest thing, and sometimes thatās true. But in this caseā¦ it doesnāt have to be. Because Iāve been watching all of this unfoldā¦ since long before Seth made his announcement. I believe that if you do what makes you the happiest, everyone wins. Even if a few feathers get ruffled for a while. But since when have you ever cared about anyone elseās feathers when youāre doing what youĀ knowĀ isĀ right?ā
Was it right? Once I believed in myself, but nowā¦
āHe is going to leave Leahā¦.ā Quilās voice broke as he closed his eyes. āHe is going to leave and Iām afraidā¦ Iā¦ I know itās a little selfish of meā¦ But I canāt lose my brother like this.ā
āWhat do you mean he is leaving?ā Frowning I pushed up off my baby.
āHe is leaving to go to Neah Bayā¦ and Iām afraid if he goesā¦ he wonāt come back.ā
She shuddered at this information. And I froze, had I pushed him to leave? Iād made this happen? But Quil kept speaking. āYou know he has a home there.ā Nodding my head in reply, because I knew that his grandparentsā¦ theyād left their place to Embry. āThe way he feels about everything, everyone hereā¦ There is nothing holding him down to La Push right now.ā
Those word stung like a knife to my heartā¦
āThere is nothing holding him to La Push right now.ā
It didnāt take me long after Quil left for work to pack up the bag I was planning on taking to Neah Bay in the Jeep. Set out a TV dinner to defrost for Quil for when he came home and get the hell out of that house before the guys started to show up. They all knew they were welcome whether we were home or not. But today? They were going to have questions. And when people asked me questions, I fucked up.
My resolve for my road trip. Well, that was shaky at best. But honestlyā¦ the way these guys were actingā¦ they wereā¦ completely fucking blind. And the more I thought about it the harder it was not to be pissed at and disappointed in every single one of them. The way they were talking about Leah? After clambering for her attention for months nowā¦ and me? All for what? Because we didnāt give them anything to gossip about?
Because Seth went on an ego trip as if he had some rights regarding who Leah spends her time with? What the hell was happening to this pack? Quil thoughā¦. Heād beenā¦ quiet. And mostly leaving me to my thoughts. And probably having quite a few of his own. It was impossible to keep a line of thinking going when there was a constant stream of memories interrupting my āWhat now?ā mindset.
A smile revealing those perfectly kissable dimples.
Her face in that clearing, like she was responsible for blowing up this whole world weād built.
But that was meā¦ telling her this though?Ā That would only give her another layer of guilt, and I knew she was carrying far too much of that already. She blamed so much on herself.
The drive to my motherās house was painfully quietā¦ but the shuffle gods? They were punishing me now, tooā¦ not just the Spirits. Making me pay for the carelessness I had treated their gift with.
When I walked in the door of my mother's home, she was already filling the coffee machine that she only kept for me and guests. She stopped drinking it after she got sick; she had heard me pulling in. āYou didnāt need to get upā¦ā I glanced at the table she was going through billsā¦ the same table, the same chair where everything between Leah and me changed.
She had fixed many of our financial crisesā¦ but there were still things to do. I knew Sue was managing a lot of it right nowā¦ Sue. Another person I had yet to face. āI was just finishing upā¦ā She pointed to the bag in my hand. āMoving back in?ā She asked. Normally, she would tease meā¦ but with everything that happened today? She was going easy on me.
āActuallyā¦ I was thinking about spending the night here. I have a few things to do tomorrow, and then I might head out to Neah Bay for a day or soā¦ā She raised her brows at me as the coffee pot started to burble behind her. āThings are just a littleā¦ā
āEmbryā¦ I know that you are disappointed in how the boys have reacted toā¦ everything. But running away wonāt help.ā She was rightā¦ But it still didnāt make me want to stay.
āIt's not about them, Momā¦ Well, it is in a way. You know what the worst part about this entire day has been, other thanā¦ wellā¦ā She poured me a cup and set it on the table, gesturing for me to sit.
āLetās call it the second worst thingā¦ shall we?ā She gave me a soft smile and sat by her smaller-than-normal pile of papers. I gave an almost tearful chuckle. Finally free to feel whatever the fuck I wanted within the walls of her home. āI donāt think I could bring myself to count how many times I was asked if I was okay todayā¦ and I knowā¦ā I stopped because my throat was swelling shut.
āThat no one has asked Leah if she is, okay?ā She finished for me, and I nodded.
āAnd that's why I need to get out of hereā¦ because I canāt look at these people that claimed to love me for years and they canāt spare a thought for the woman that Iā¦ā I stopped again, balancing on that line between rage and disappointment.
The line of the unspoken but most real thing in my life. āThe woman they have known forā¦ā I stopped again. Because they didnāt really know her. āAnd it was always there in themā¦ I just chose not to see it. That makes me no better than any of them.ā
āThere is a difference, Embry.ā Mom sipped on the tea that Leah had blended specially for Momās diagnosis. She drank a cup after each mealā¦ Shitā¦ had I eaten today? āYou can see the errors you've madeā¦ You canāt fix them overnight, maybe not at all. But you have enough empathy to know better.ā At least she didnāt try to tell me I wasn't like them. My mother was always supportive, but she never was one for bullshit platitudes or blind to my flaws.
āItās not enough, Mom.ā My gaze was pleading. Begging her to tell me how to fix it all.
āNot enough for who, sweetheart?ā She asked, sliding sheets of paper into marked envelopes. āYou? Or Leah?ā
āBothā¦ā I replied, sighingā¦ the sensation of defeat and exhaustion sinking into my bones.
āHow do you know that? Have you even talked to her?ā She asked.
āI donāt even know where to begin, Mom.ā
āHi, is a good place to start.ā Then at my stare, she laughed and got up, tucking her neat pile into its drawer. Her shoulders were relaxedā¦ like those papers were no more stressful than a letter from a friend. That was all Leahās doing. āIām serious, Embryā¦ When the world places expectations on youā¦ Be unexpected.ā She walked over and kissed the top of my head. āIām going to take a nap; you have plenty to think about.ā
When I was alone, I pulled out my phone. And typedā¦
And hit sendā¦ it was gone with a swoosh. Those two letters contain a world of thoughts and feelings, and unasked questions.
What happened when Jake came over?
Please tell me how I can fix this?
That last one was unfair. This was my doing, I was the one saying we had all the time in the worldā¦ and then that time was torn away from us.
ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Three Months On Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā
āFuck!ā The profanity out of my lips before I could hold it back.
āFuckā¦ Fuckā¦ FUCK!ā My fingers curled around my cell as I glanced down at the screen for the tenth time.
The air changed around me, blowing my long dark hair forward as a makeshift curtain, saving me away from the world. The iced chill turned warm as soon as it touched my balmy skin, as I took in the transformation in the scent in the air surrounding my body.
āThose are some strong words for a warrior to be setting free into the ether.ā His deep voice sounded in my mind, giving me the elution of being in an echo chamber while still being in the open.
I didnāt look around, because I knew too well that there wouldnāt be a body to the voice. So, I kept my eyes forward while still hiding in the heart of the heavenly thick foliage of the forest facing the crashing waves.
āSometimes those four small words are more than enough.ā I told him in my mind, when Laughter with a reverberation, as though it were in a dark cave filled me from within.
āOonugwito, Equa Waya Adanvdoā (Hello, Great Wolf Spirit.) I greeted him. Because there was no hiding from him.
āWhy are you in such terrible turmoil?ā He questioned.
I didnāt need to show him the message on my screen from Jake or explain it to him. He saw it all, however I did lift the cell to look down at it again. For myself. āThree months ago, he sent me a text saying I didnāt need to attend these bonfires if I chose not to. That I could run the lands to process the needs of the tribesā¦. But tonightā¦ā I closed my eyes taking in the sounds of the waves, the forests, the laughter and conversations singing in the wind from the people sitting, playing, dancing, and eating around the fire at the beach before me. Tonight, the message read:
From Jake: [Itās timeā¦ Bonfire attendance is MANDATORY]
Mandatory! She curled her lips up at the way that word sounded in our soul. I had no idea what Jake was playing at. But as his Beta he knew I would hear the command of my Alpha through the word.
The Great Wolf gave me time to process my thoughts before he spoke again. Ā āYoung Spirit Warrior, open your eyes to see what is before you. See the joy in those who are your kin, why wouldnāt you want to share in that? To find the joy in their happiness? To share in it?ā
The question made me scoff; at the same time, I shrunk back. āBecause the moment my shadow hits their happinessā¦ It will turn into something dark, uncomfortable, unwanted. Itās because I want them to become one again that I am here, placing myself back into the line Iād chosen to walk in years ago. Staying in the outskirts of their joy was the thing that gave them the greatest happiness.ā She shrunk back inside of me. Weād made some progress over the last months; however, she was still riddled with as much guilt as I had been for pushing me out of my rightful place.
I could tell he disagreed with what has been said. āYou are not the keeper of others growth, as much as you try to take all their pain and discomfit from them, placing it on your shoulders, you are doing them a disservice, you know that? How will they learn to grow, to face the consequences of their actions if you are doing it for them? So, I will ask againā¦ what are you doing hiding here when your kin are within your sight. Is it not time for you to come out from the obscurity?ā
My hand moved to my stomach, then up to squeeze my chest. The unexplained pressure Iād been feeling of late was back.
āWhat is it young warrior?ā The Great Wolf asked me.
Shaking my head because I wasnāt even sure how to put words to this feeling deep inside of me.
āYou donāt have to use words with me, show me.ā His voice low and comforting. So, I did as he asked. I showed him that deep sensation in my soul and in the depths of my heart that had become a gaping hole. Over the last three months Iād found myself feeling that something was missing and unanswered.
āHmmā¦ I seeā¦ā that was all he has to say at seeing my most valued and hidden aspects?
āHmmā¦ I seeā¦??? What does that even mean?ā I asked a little fire in my tone pushed in there by her. But he just chuckled, and then he was gone with a blast of air pushing my feet forward towards the beach and the bonfire, all the non-working pack members and their imprints were attending.
I came to a stop, frozen in my place as I glanced at my screen once again. Somehow my fingers had closed out of Jakeās message and opened the thread with Embry. My heart stopped and crushed at seeing the one small word there.
It was the only text from him that I hadnāt been able to delete. Every other conversation had been removed as soon as it had happened. Iād wanted to protect the bubble so much, that when it burst, I had nothing to look back on to prove it had been real. That it wasnāt just a figment of my imagination. And Yet I hadnāt repliedā¦ I hadnāt wanted to be the reason for him to hold on to something that couldnāt become reality again. Sure, Quilās declaration of Embry leaving La Push had me thinking about his small two letter message so many nights. But I couldnātā¦ It was my unspoken promise to himā¦ I wouldnāt be the reason for him and his pack brothers falling apart. I know it would take him time. But soon they had to all find their rhythm and forget I was even a note in there if I rebuilt the walls to keep them all out. Right?
I wasnāt sure what the text from Jacob was about.
Ā [š³ššāš šš šššš, ššš¢ššš ššš ššššššš šššš šššššš.]
I rolled my eyesā¦. I missed one bonfire in the last three months, and that was because I had a shift at work. So, what the fuck was this about? Any other time, I would have assumed that there was something upā¦ that there was an issue in the pack. But I knew that wasnāt the case. āIām glad to see you spending more time with your friends.ā Mom said as I pulled my jacket off the hook. She smiled sadly as she saw the fresh ink on my arm. She took it and traced the fully healed tattoo. āI guess you really are wearing your heart on your sleeve these days, arenāt you?ā
The rendering of an anatomical heart and the castle emerging from the top. I chuckled. āIsnāt that what you used to say to my teachers when you were trying to defend me for being an arshole?ā I teased her. Sheād Ā taken the image to mean heartbreak, but it was the oppositeā¦ it was strength and vulnerabilityā¦ because you couldnāt have one without the other. But this was a story I couldnāt tellā¦ or one that I would only ever tell one person.
āJust because something is an excuse doesnāt mean that it isnāt also the truth!ā She swatted my arm. āGo onā¦ donāt keep your friends waiting.ā She told me and tried to shove me towards the door. I kissed the top of her head and headed to the door.
āDonāt forget your guitar.ā She called as I walked past it, where she had left it next to the doorā¦ Hoping I would take it.
I offered her a smile. āMaybe next tiā¦ā I started to say and stopped myself when her smile faded. āYeahā¦ Thanks, Mom.ā I picked up the case and slung the strap over my shoulder. The kettle started to whistle for her nightly cup of specially blended tea. Specially blended by Leahā¦ just for her. I had to shake the thought away before I spiralled. I couldnāt afford it before the bonfire. āI refilled all your pill boxes for the week, the daytime ones are in the kitchen cupboard, and the bedtime ones are on your nightstand.ā I reminded her before I left.
I put the guitar in the back of the Jeep, with no intention of taking it out. I climbed into the driver's seat, tossing my jacket to the other side. The new ink on my arm didnāt just catch my Momās attentionā¦ it still drew mine too. Like most of the guys in the pack, we didnāt really cover ourselves in tattoos, mostly because we relied on the elders to do the tattoos and for most of us, our first was the pack markingā¦ any permanent marking after that tended to have a deep meaning.
This oneā¦ well, it told a story.
I started the car and made my way to the beachā¦ Despite my reputation for being generally irresponsible, I was rarely ever lateā¦ but this time I had planned to arrive a few minutes late, to avoid any awkward one-on-one conversations. But a couple of weeks after that night, most of them began to act as though nothing had happened.Ā
I left the radio off and headed to the beach.
A few of the guys were already there feeding the fire, and even from the car park, I could hear the laughing and chattering. The girls were glued to their men or huddled close to the fire as it grew. I took a deep breath, there was something different about tonightā¦ I didnāt know what. Why Jake felt the need to insist on my presence when he knew I wasnāt working or runningā¦ I had no idea. But I guess I was about to find out.
I climbed out of the jeep and stepped out of my boots, tossing them in the back next to the guitar. I headed down the beach to where Quil was already standing with two of the pups. He hugged me. āYouāre late.ā He smirked.
I looked aroundā¦ āNo elders? No Alphaās I think Iāmā¦ā The wind stirredā¦ one of the girls squeaked as sparks jumped from the fire and spiralled on the breeze before dying out. My gaze snapped immediately to the eastā¦ It was her scentā¦ but not. It was the idea of her scent. The memory of her scent carried to me. āEarlyā¦ā I muttered the end of my sentence, and my wolf pressed against my ribs. He wanted to draw me to the other end of the beach. The trees were too far for us to truly scent her, and the wind wasnāt blowing in the right direction. The Spirits wanted us to know that she was out there.
Jake's text made sense all of a sudden. I laughed darklyā¦ Did he really think we couldnāt be around each other in public? We had done this for months with far more to hide. He wanted to test us? Ā Fineā¦ Maybe now he would stop his stupid games of keeping Leah and me as far away from each other as possible.
āBryā¦ā Quil said. āYou, okay?ā
My head snapped back to him and the pups.ā Hmmā¦ Yeah. Iām justā¦ Peachy.ā I was distracted again as Seth walked across the sand to us.
āYou are so not with it tonight, are you?ā He teased. Seth came to a stop behind them.
āHey guysā¦ whatās āā He started, and I was gone. I headed down to the shore where the sand was wet. Seth stopped talking the second my back was turned, and I heard the others telling him to let it go. Thankfully, he didā¦ I had no desire to start a fight with him tonight, but I didnāt owe him any platitudes. Not after what heād done. So many times, since that night I had driven to the edge of tribal land with a bag in the trunk of the Jeep, so many times I stopped, turned around and came homeā¦ convincing myself that if I was hereā¦ she wasnāt alone. I knew I was wrongā¦ but it was the best I could do.
I stepped into the tideā¦ the icy water lapped up over my toes and around my ankles. I dropped my shoulders and tilted my head up, spreading my fingers by my sides to feel the cool sea breeze beneath my fingers as the tide washed out and took the sand beneath my feet with it. I forced myself not to look to the east again, even though I was feeling an internal, constant pull in that direction.
I heard more people arrive, and a few whispers of my name that I ignored. The wind picked up againā¦ and now my head turned to the east and there she stoodā¦ feet in the surfā¦ Leah.
But not Leah at all. She was Leahā¦ she was Sue, Momā¦ Rachel, Sarah Black, Quilās Grandmother, Claireā¦ Emily, faces I would never knowā¦ faces I might know in the future. It was Grandmother Moon in her ever-shifting, never constant form. She was youth and ageā¦. Naivete and wisdom, and she was late. Too late.
āNo son.ā She answered my thoughts. āOne can only be late if they had ever left. I have been hereā¦ Always.ā
I shook my head and squeezed my hands into fists. Sheād completely abandoned us that night. And every night since. āLeave me alone,ā I whispered.
āRude!ā Ness said, coming to a stop next to me on her too-light, too-quick feet.
āNot you, little one.ā I chuckledā¦ happy to see her.
āWho are you talking to then?ā She grinned.
āThe Monsters inside my head.ā I paraphrased one of her favourite songs.
āI seeā¦ What are you doing down here by yourself?ā She asked.
I looked down at my feet, half buried by the tide now. āSinking.ā I smiled at her.
She wiggled her own bare toes in the wet sand. āMay I join you?ā
āSureā¦ But I think weāll be starting soon,ā I glanced over my shoulder and saw that the elders were beginning to arrive.
āWe have a few minutes.ā She whispered and took my hand and smiled.
āWhy were you soā¦ā I paused, trying to think of a way to phrase it. āOkayā¦ withā¦ everything.ā
Nessie looked over her shoulder, where Jacob was helping his father down the beach. āYou might not have noticed, Embryā¦ But Iām not exactly like all the other girls.ā She smirked. I laughed.Ā āThat might have come to my attention once or twice.ā
āIt's something Leah and I have in commonā¦ thereās no one else like usā¦ at least around here, in my case. But I have something she doesnāt. Something they all know, something she doesnātā¦ā She squeezed my hand with her shockingly strong, slender fingers. āLeah and Iā¦ we are something new. People resist change, but without itā¦ We are all justā¦ stuck.ā
I smiled and kissed the top of her head, listening to the strange hummingbird beat of this tiny, incredible creatureās heart. āNot change, Little One,ā I whispered. āEvolution.ā Then we freed our feet from the sucking sandā¦ and headed back to the group.
I knew it was time, if I remained here, I would be seen by everyone coming out late, and late wasnāt something I strived to achieve if I could help it. On top of that, Iād seen Jake looking back over his shoulder in my direction before he helped his dad Billy down to the fire.
With my hands pushed deep into my jacket, my shoulders back, and head held high I moved like my wolf on two feet. I saw the reason for tonightās mandatory attendance as soon as I came out onto the beach. She sat close to her imprint, her hands curled around a travel mug, and her pup sat with his arm around her back. Of courseā¦ it was her timeā¦ Sam had given the newest imprint time to find her feet. To ensure that she and the pup had been properly protected from the fear she had experienced during her journey to us and the tribe.
My eyes were on the two of them when heads started to turn towards my direction, the laughter slowly coming to a stop as people glanced uncomfortably towards the other side of the fire. I didnāt need to see him to know that was where Embry must be, they werenāt doing the best job as keeping the fear of what would happen off their faces.
The youngest of the pups came running up to meet me. āYou came! I saved you a spot on the big log next to me. I meanā¦ā he rubbed the back of his neck shifting, his eyes darting to his feet, to my face, but never meeting my eyes. āIf you want that is. I just thought.ā
Placing a hand on his shoulder I squeezed. āThanks pup.ā Nodding my head to motion him to return to where heād been sitting. But to my surprise he turned to face the others like me, and fell into step. āI saved you cold beer too. But donāt tell the others.ā It would have made me laugh, because he was the one who just told his pack brothers there were cold beers still hiding somewhere.
āThanks pup, but Iām running after this, and not really feeling the beers tonight.ā Of course the alcohol would do nothing to intoxicate me. But drinking wasnāt really on my bingo card for this night.
āSureā¦ sureā¦ I get it.ā He smiled his most open smile. But it fell as feet started towards us.
I knew it was my kid before my eyes moved to meet his, he stood with a bottle of water outstretched in offer to me. Which I took blinking my eyes in thanks before he wrapped an arm around the pupās neck taking him back to join the others.Ā
Billy raised his arms before anyone else could say something to begin the discussion of our past history. To welcome the newest member of this new generation of imprints. Because maybe heād seen the malice his daughterās eyes, or maybe he knew from his wisdom of being the chief, that it was time for the packs to come together and move forward. While everyone turns their full attention to the elders, I stayed out of the light of the fire, keeping myself in the shadows.
Ness slipped her arm into mine when she heard the conversation with Leah starting at the fire. I smiled at her, not wanting to tell her I was okay out loud. If we could hear the conversation at the fire, they could hear us too. I wanted to see Leah; I had hardly even laid eyes on her since that night, fleeting glimpses of her on shift changes and in the village. I had avoided the bar because I knew there would be nothing but talk, and she didnāt need that at workā¦ Alsoā¦ I couldnāt lay eyes on Seth without getting irrationally angry.
My anger was perfectly rational.
Leah was keeping herself sidelined. Betas normally sat next to their alpha at these gatherings, but it wasnāt a rule. If they were going to whisper tonightā¦ I would make damn sure it was about me, not Leah. Ness freed herself and ran to Jake. She settled between his knees on the sand and, toeing her shoes free, dug them into the sand. Brady and the other boys had a guitar and pow wow drums for after the storytelling. The pup smiled at me, noticing the fact that mine was not with the other instruments. He just handed me a beer and nodded. I patted his shoulder as I passed.
Unlike Leahā¦ I was planning on taking up as much space as possible. Just as Billy called for us to settle, I passed behind Sam, and Emily - sat to Billyās left - kissing the top of the mother-to-beās head. Then I took the place next to Jake on the Chiefās right. I put myself on the frontline this time.
Seth, Jakeā¦ Billyā¦ the boys who had been gossiping and whispering. They would all have to get a really good look at me tonight. Jake didnāt let any outward reaction show. I saw Seth across the fire, his jaw clenched. But he stayed quiet as Billy began. Quil just shook his head and took the seat next to Leah, the opposite side of the pup that had invited her to sit with him. That made me grinā¦ heād been very vocal the last few months that he thought I was stupid to walk away. But he couldnāt understand, he wasnāt privy to the thoughts in my head all those nights I sat on the side of the road, a packed bag on the passenger seat of my Jeep, staring at the words:
āThese stories we tellā¦ we tell them time and time again, so no more of your history will be lost to time. But the nights that they are heard for the very first time by a new soul, who has come to us, strengthen our legacy.ā He paused. āWell, those are special nights. Those nights empower us all, no matter where we are fromā¦ the tribes of our birth, the tribes of our heartsā¦ā I swear the old man looked at me. We hadnāt spoken about my enrolment again since the car wash fundraiser.
There was no point; they all made it very, very clear. When it came to this tribeā¦ no matter that I lived and bled and would die for them. I was not one of them. I wasnāt sure I wanted to be afterā¦ everything.
Billy was addressing the new girl now, and she was blushing like crazy. āTo start these gatherings, we usually offer driftwood to the fire and give thanks. But tonight, in honour of the blessing of our new, young Guardian, we are offering fresh Cedar that is native both here and in the landlocked town of her birth.ā Jake and Sam passed a bowl of wood chips to either side of the circle, everyone took a handful and passed the bowl. āWe make the offering to give thanks. Embryā¦ā I stiffened. āWhy donāt you lead the offering?ā
āUmā¦ā I looked at Samā¦ It should be him or Jared. The new imprint was in his pack. Jake gave me a nod and a flick of his eyes that saidā¦ just do it! I had decided I was going to draw their attention tonight. I should be more careful what I wish for. I looked at the pupā¦ he was grinning at the crimson in his new soulmate's cheeks. āOf courseā¦ā I stood up like this was what I expected all along.
My eyes looked for Leahās, alwaysā¦ I felt like I was always searching for her now. But only for a moment, it was all I would allow. I stood near the fire and turned my attention to the new couple. āThere was a timeā¦ when many of us here who are old enough to remember didnāt think this
Pup would be here with us in anything but soul. He was never one of them. He never lost faithā¦ā My chest ached at the memory of my best friend's cousin struggling to breathe in a hospital bed too many times to count. I shook it off. āIt was actually kind of annoying, really.ā I teased the pup, and a few chuckles rippled. āSo, I suppose tonight we give thanks twice, to the Great Wolf for choosing this young manā¦ā I tossed a few of the chips in my hand into the flames and they crackled and popped. The smell of cedar filled the air.
āBut above all, to Grandmotherā¦ā This was hardā¦ I still felt abandoned.Ā But thenā¦ here she was, this woman who came to us from clear across the continent and gave the kid the greatest gift he would ever haveā¦ this kid that suffered so much, survived so much and never lost his faith. A faith I hadnāt ever truly embraced until Leah opened my eyes and one, I let slip away so easily. āTo Grandmother Moon, because before this kid was even born, she chose this beautiful, clever as hell, healerā¦ from over three thousand miles away, to be his anchor here.ā I smiled at the girl. āYou will always have a home here; we are your brothers and sisters, uncles, aunts and kin. We give thanks for you.ā I tossed the rest of the cedar into the flames. āTo Grandmother we give thanks.ā The breeze died, and the waves seemed to go silent as the others repeated the words and tossed their offerings. The only sound was the popping and crackling of the fire, and the smell of cedar was thick in the air.
I could have sworn I felt a hand on my shoulder as I moved to take the same place next to Jake. Both Jake and Billy were looking at me curiously now. Billy regained himself first and started with the first story, the story of how the Quileuteās arrived here. Then heād begin his journey through time. Ness patted my knee and whispered. āThat was lovely, āBry.ā
I just lifted the beer I had stood upright in the sand and took a long swig.
Before I could stop myself, I was searching for those eyes in the firelightā¦ again.
Billy spokeā¦ telling the storiesā¦ the stories of why she could never be mine and I could never be hers. Noā¦ that wasnāt true. My hand tightened around the glassā¦ we had made those pledges; we had handed over pieces of ourselves that once given could never be returned. I was hers. She was mine. But we were set on opposite paths nowā¦ There was only one path for our kind. I looked at the couples around the fire. I knew their path wasnāt for me, not because I had never wanted it, not because I disliked monogamyā¦ It was just something I knew. My wolf knew it too. We hadnāt had that missing piece, we never felt like we were waiting for someone.
There wasnāt a woman out there who was chosen for me.
Leah and I hadnāt been missing anything when we fell together. All of her edges fit into mine, and mine into hersā¦ we were balanced, not tethered. We burned together brighter and hotter; we didnāt temper the flames. We broke, we burned, we raged and rejoiced, learned and unlearned, we laughed and criedā¦ and fuck!! I missed it all. The moon was peering between the gaps in the cloud cover now.
And I was grateful for it all, every moment that she was mineā¦ every moment I was hers.
Fucking faithā¦ why was it so hard?
āFucking Embry Call!ā Her voice came into my thoughts and if we had been alone, Iād have felt the truth of that statement. It hadnāt come from a place of annoyance or a need to hit out. No, it came from pride. She felt so proud of him for sharing words from his heart for the pup and his new imprint.
āI swear, āBry knows how to capture the moment.ā Quilās whisper broke into my thoughts as I stood up to walk away. Billy had ended the evenings story circle, giving the packs the go ahead to kick back, talk, share their own thoughts, and of course giving the pups the nod, to pick up their instruments.Ā
āHmmā¦ā My eyes glanced to the side as he fell into step with me. The soft sound of the ocean mingled with the sound of the guitars, and the smooth sound of the humming coming from the heart of the circle.Ā
āDid you notice how his eyes were always searching?ā
I knew this was true, because when Embryās deep dark gaze found mine and locked. I felt him and saw all the things he said to me without the need for words. āUntil he found me. I could tell. He was looking to see if I was there. Right?āĀ
This made her say, āWhat the actual fuck?ā. But then again. She didnāt see what I did. Quil wanted me to say something, to correct him? To acknowledge what was between Embry and I wouldnāt go away. Or just disagree with him?Ā
āHmmā¦ā Is all the acknowledgement Quil got and hats off to him the man didnāt blink as he and I both continued.
Stopping just as we heard the young pup call out from behind. āCan we stay another five please?ā Making both Quil and I call out āNo, get a move on.ā Together. It was time for the shift change. Giving those who were running some time to come join the others on the beach before the fires went out.
Thatās when it occurred to me, stopping me in my tracks, I turned to face Quil. āAnd where do you think you are going?ā Asking in confusion.Ā
His soft brown eyes crinkled at the corners as he turned to gaze back at the merriment behind us. āIām running with you tonight. Itās time your solo runs turn back into a group event, donāt you agree?āĀ
We both turned as we felt the tug of someoneās gaze on us at the same time. Jake stood with one arm draped over the shoulder of his imprint. Giving me one stern nod. The unspoken words making themselves known. āItās time to come back in from the dark.ā But that wasnāt for them to decide. Or was it?Ā
A rush of anger came like a jolt of fire into my chest. āOh, so now they deem it safe to bring us in from the cold. Well, we arenāt going toā¦ Are we?ā It was her anger that was hitting like lightning. But this was our jobā¦ I had to remind herā¦ We are here for one thingā¦ to protect our tribe, our pack, the imprints. We would do whatever we are asked to do so. The pack had once again shown her and us where our place was to be, and we would fall into line.Ā
āWhen did our roles change?ā She askedĀ
āWhen we messed up.ā I whispered to her in our connected minds.Ā
āWe didnāt mess up.ā She was determined to show me.Ā
I showed her the way the people who we protected looked at us over the last months.
āStill feel the same way? We messed up, in their eyes. And we were born to serve.āĀ
āLeah?ā Quil touched the back of my hand with one finger. āStill, with me?āĀ
āYeahā¦ā Shaking the conversation from my mind. This time when I turned back to see, without thinking my eyes found Embry.
Taking in the outline of his body, the way his aura shone in the darkness. The flickering embers of the fire showing me parts of his expression. He really had done so well tonightā¦ his evolution hadnāt stoppedā¦ he hadnāt run from the tribe or the pack. Quilās concern hadnāt flourished into reality.
I gave a smallest nod of my head, even with the wind blowing the open wisps of my hair into my face, I could see the glow from Grandmother telling me, she was keeping her promise to look out for him. āCome onā¦ Letās get the changeover and done with. So, you can get off to get some sleep before work in the morning.ā
To Be Continued in Part Two (Here)
