Walking Through Hell – Storyline 23 – Together - Part One
» Walking Through Hell -Leah and Embry
╚ ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅɪɴɢ Embry Call and Leah Clearwater
[The Morning After the World Fell Apart.]
The only reason that I knew I had fallen asleep was because I was so intensely aware that I was waking up. I was exhausted… drained. I knew I had lain awake until the sun was starting to rise because I hadn’t been able to find the motivation to get up and close the drapes. After I had left a note for Mom that I had spent the night and fallen onto my too-small childhood bed.
I heard people talk about waking up after a… fuck… what was the right word for the end of Leah and I? But they said they woke up looking for the other person next to them. Expecting them to be there… they reached out to find them in the bed and then it hit again that it was over. I was calling bullshit on that right now. Even in sleep… I felt her loss. Even in this state of Fuck off, I don’t want to fucking wake up!
I was all too aware that what we had was shattered. The ache didn’t strike again out of the blue… because it hadn’t gone anywhere in the first place.
And what the fuck was that spirit’s awful sound?
The landline? And Mom answering the phone. Was it bad that I almost hoped it was a debt collector? But no… Leah had taken care of all of that. Sue knew everything… or likely believed she did and that meant it was only a matter of time before Mom did. ‘Oh, my goodness!’ I heard in hushed whispers… then shuffle and a sigh that was almost a sob. ‘No… he’s here… he left a note… Ok… oh no!’ I sighed and pulled on the clothes I had abandoned at the foot of the bed. Listening to half the conversation from the kitchen. Five minutes earlier and she could have heard this from me. ‘Those poor kids.’ She sighed. ‘How is she?… well, she does tend to withdraw into herself. No… No, of course… give her time.
I swear I could hear Sue crying on the other end of the phone.
‘I’ll call you later, sister…. Of course…’ She said goodbye to her friend in Makah and I waited until the phone clicked before I dared to even stand up. Apparently, I was a coward now too.
I found my mother in the kitchen clutching a dish towel to her chest… leaning against the wall next to the phone. I had made sure she’d heard me approaching, letting my steps fall heavier than they would naturally.
Her eyes were watery and just when you thought a heart couldn’t break more… well. Shit.
‘Well… You look awful.’ She teased offering me a sad smile. I laughed. Laughed! Until I wasn’t laughing anymore and Mom rushed over to hug me. I cried… for how long I had no idea… but she didn’t ask a single thing. She didn’t tell me everything was okay. She didn’t tell me not to cry.
The next thing I knew I was sat at her table with a coffee in my hand. She sat across from me… warming her hands on her own mug… her insistence on opening the window in the morning was a painful reminder. She sat there waiting and I had no idea what to say because I had no idea what she knew. ‘Are you going to tell me what happened last night?’ She asked, her tone saying that – No – would be an acceptable answer. But that would mean the only information she would have had; was what others would tell her.
“What do you know?” I probed.
‘I want you to tell me like I don’t know anything.’ Of course, she wasn’t going to make this easy.
“Mom… I…” I shook my head and stared into my untouched cup. I was so lost… What in the name of the Spirits had happened last night? Too much… not enough! Why didn’t I fight!? Not with Seth… but for us… for the bubble… for Leah!
‘Ok… I know that something has been going on between you and Leah and that last night there was some kind of… confrontation with Seth.’ She conceded when she saw I was struggling.
“Yeah… that’s about right.” I finally took a sip, wondering if it was too early to Irish up this coffee?
‘Sweetheart…’ Mom sighed. ‘I’m not going to drag this out of you, but I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen you this upset. And the last time was your Granddad’s funeral…’ Her eyes got misty, and I cracked.
“Mom… I… Leah and I.” I heaved a sigh of my own. “I guess we… um…” Well damn… I was back to not knowing how words worked. “Broke… up…? Last night?” It sounded more like a question than a statement… but how else could I explain this in a way she would understand?
‘Broke up?’ Her voice got high… ‘Bro— broke up… that means…’ she stopped. ‘When… how? Embry? You’ve been dating Leah?’ She paused. ‘In secret?’
“It’s complicated… But in a way… I guess… It’s hard to explain. We never really defined anything.“ I looked up and she looked mad. I pinched my brows together. What had I done now?
‘Embry… I understand that you have had very little interest in long-term relationships… but why on earth would you feel the need to hide away someone like Leah?’ She was trying really hard to moderate her tone… as I saw her white knuckling her coffee cup.
“What?” My face screwed up until it sunk in. “Wait… no! Mom! This wasn’t some dirty little secret kind of thing! We talked about it…. We decided together to keep it between us. Do you really think any man on the face of this planet could convince Leah to do anything she didn’t want to?”
She processed for a moment until it felt a little awkward, to be honest. ‘So, this wasn’t just…’
“Wasn’t just what, Mom?” She didn’t answer… “What was the word you were told? Wasn’t just Fucking?”
‘Embry Call, you watch your mouth at this table.’ She said firmly without raising her voice.
My chest was aching as badly as it was when Seth was screaming at me last night. “Why? That’s all anyone thinks I’m good for, isn’t it? I couldn’t have possibly cared about her, right? That’s what they’re all saying… that they have all been saying for years…”
“The fuckboy… slut… player… womanizer… Oh let’s not forget homewrecker… that was a fun one. Don’t act like you’ve never heard it.” I had stood up to pretend to refill my cup because I could feel the anger rising and I needed space between us. It wasn’t because of mom… It was me. It was all me. My actions, my past. That was where all these names came from. I had earned each and every one.
‘Sit down, please.’ She was still firm, but she was breathing… she was letting me vent. I retook my seat. ‘So…’ She continued. ‘You both discussed all of this… that means it had been going on for a while?’
I nodded and she asked how long… I shook my head, my eyes burning as I tried to remember. I remembered every moment with her… but when? I seemed to have enough memories to fill years, but I knew that was impossible. “I don’t… I don’t know… a few months maybe… felt like forever but now…”
‘Now it’s not nearly enough?’ There was a strangled sound and when she gripped my hand across the table I realised it came from me. ‘Oh, my baby… I don’t understand. If it’s hurting this badly, then why? What happened to end it?’
“Seth happened…” I shrugged swiping my wrist across my face.
‘Because he found out?’ she was so confused.
“He found out… He confronted Leah… he upset Sue… he…” I couldn’t be myself to tell her he had made a huge scene in front of the boys. “He made it very clear that the likes of me had no business being anywhere near his sister…”
‘That doesn’t sound like our Seth.’ She was thinking out loud, I could see that far-away look in her eyes.
“He was so angry Mom… but none of those things matter. It’s done.” I tried to maintain my composure.
‘Do you…’ She was examining me… the way I shifted uncomfortably, the shaky hand I kept pressing to my chest or rubbing over my unshaved jaw… ‘… have feelings for her?’ she asked.
“Mom… please…” I pinched my eyes shut. “Don’t… okay… just…. Please don’t.” I tried so hard to swallow the feelings of loss that swelled up. But I felt my shoulders hunching and my head dropping… like making myself as small as possible would take this attention off me.
Mom gave a little sob. Covering her mouth the way she did when her bottom lip shook with emotion. ‘I never thought that Leah would be the type to need her brother’s approval… or anyone’s for that matter.’ She said softly not hiding the shake in her voice as well as I knew she wanted to.
“She’s not.” I took a swig of the coffee to try to wash down the lump in my throat. “I am.” I stood and poured out the coffee in the sink; it was sitting like led in my stomach. I was the one that said goodbye… I was the one that would bear that at the very least. “You… um… you should get ready for dialysis. Why don’t you get a shower, and I can make you some breakfast.”
Mom seemed to understand the conversation was done. ‘Sue was going to take me today…’ She started.
“It’s okay, I can text her. She was pulled out of bed in the middle of the night, she probably didn’t sleep much. Besides… I’m already here.” I patted my pocket and remembered that I didn’t have my phone. “Fuck!”
‘That’s your last warning for language, son.’ Mom pointed a finger at me. I explained that I didn’t have my phone. She told me to use the landline and call her.
“Mom… please… you have no idea how many people are mad at me right now… I just can’t handle adding another person to that list. Please. I can’t face any more of it this morning. Can you please text Sue?” I begged.
‘I don’t think you are giving Sue enough credit, sweetheart. She called here because Quil answered your phone and told her you didn’t spend the night at home, and she was worried about you.’
I looked at the ground, ashamed. “Did she… Is Le… has she seen Leah… since…” My throat was tight again. Mom stood and rounded the table. She touched my cheek and looked pained.
‘No baby… she hasn’t. But you could. Let Sue take me to my treatment… go and find her. You two can fix this, I know you can. She is probably as hurt as you are right now. Go to her.’ She looked up at me.
“I can’t.” The word was a shaky whisper. “I made a promise… we made each other promises. I can’t lose this and lose her trust too, Mom… I just can’t.”
Tears clung to my mother’s lashes. ‘Okay…’ She sniffed. ‘Okay, sweetheart. I’ll text Sue.’
The night had been spent in a haze, nothing and nowhere gave me peace. I couldn’t face my bed, as images of waking up to him only yesterday haunted my mind. The living room showed me moments of silence with me reading, and when he tried to give me, ‘Ten more minutes’ to do so. Of his laughter while he strummed his guitar, drinking whisky, teaching me to play. The Kitchen came with a wash of intimacy, sharing of meals, kisses, teasing, and so much more. But now even these four walls, which I’d called ‘home’ cried out for a soul and his spirits to fill the void that had been left behind.
I’d given up on finding peace before the sun came up. The silence I once craved and cherished was now drowning me. Giving me only one option. I made a list. Because a well-made list was a plan. They were achievable, and they stopped my mind from wondering about places that I couldn’t face.
1. Complete HwH shutdown and let in the cleanup crew.
B. Take stock of what has been left over from the food used.
3. Take the unopened food to the food bank at the rez.
D. Return the equipment to vendors who supported the car wash.
5. Mourn the loss you should be feeling. (I scratched that out in my head. Shaking all my emotions back into place.)
The list locked up, refusing to show me beyond ‘F,’ but I knew there was so much more to do. I knew there was, but nothing was clear. The emotions were trying to fight for air, but I wouldn’t allow them to breathe. Because if they did. No one in the vicinity would survive the aftermath of that wildfire.
I moved on this earth like a phantom spirit, lost to itself but with an aim to achieve her moral objectives. The ride to HwH in the dead of night hadn’t registered, unlocking the doors, and going in was a blur. There was no shock when I found that both Mac and Char had completed the cleanup of the car wash in the bar, even though I’d told them I’d return to do it. But still, there was plenty of work I could do.
I operated in silence, a bar that would be filled with my music on any other given day when I came to be alone, now had an eerie feel to it. The scents of humans and warriors mingled with that of beer and whisky. The echo of joy and happiness from the night before came to abolish my sanity if I allowed it. (Which I didn’t).
So, I worked. I took my jacket off, rolled my sleeves up, put my head down, and I worked. No task was too small, nothing was off limits. When I came across it, I completed it. If it was on the to-do list of bar work, it was done. It was the only way I knew now how to manage myself. Because the Leah of ten years ago would have ridden out of the rez, to let herself be beaten black and blue to make money for those who might need it.
Cracked ribs, bring it on.
Broken nose. Yes, please!
Fractured arm, even better…
Anything to dull the mind, stop the emotion and work towards emptying out her ever-growing bucket of sin. She would take it! And shamelessly, she would have kept doing it, until she was numb to whatever the universe had in store for her.
But today… that wasn’t an option. Now I had no excuse to allow that part of my past to become a future event. Not only had I grown and learnt, but I had made a promise to think about returning to Seattle genuinely before going to put that action into play.
‘Morning Leah.’ I’d been so deep in my numbness, that for the first time in years, someone was able to come up behind me without my knowledge.
‘It’s quiet in here, we thought that maybe you forgot we were coming.’ The two ladies were smiling, setting their buckets down, and removing their coats. ‘You know yesterday was such a great day. We were saying it felt like we were at a powwow.’ The mother kept speaking without needing any interaction from me. ‘Sue and Tiffany worked so hard. You must be proud.’ I knew I was zoning in and out of the conversation.
It wasn’t until I felt the daughter coming to stand beside me that I looked up from what I was doing. ‘Leah, why are you deep cleaning the drinks fridge?’ She looked quizzically at me. ‘Did you forget we were coming to give the bar a deep clean today?’ She smiled, giving me a look that spoke a thousand words, but I wasn’t willing to hear them right now.
Standing up, I wiped my forehead with the back of my arm. Then washed my hands in the small sink before finding words. “I wanted to give you ladies a helping hand.” It wasn’t a lie; I knew they were coming. I just needed to work. “But now you are here, I’ll let you carry on,” I told them.
Both of them laughed, continuing to speak animatedly about the day before. While I set the coffee machine on for them. Some part of me asked if it was only yesterday, they were talking about. The car wash… a day they all seemed to enjoy. It had been yesterday that I’d been happy to my soul. That we had worked so hard to achieve something together. That I had been a part of a community who were welcoming me in from the cold. But soon… The truth would be out. These same people who had been ashamed of me would be so again. And I brought it all on by myself.
‘Spirits, the boys… they were putting on a good show. And so respectful too.’ The mother shouted from the far end of the bar.
‘I don’t know. I was sure the girls would win, up until the end.’ The daughter replied.
I stood with my arms crossed, watching the coffee pot wishing it to fill. But you know it’s true. What they say. A watched pot never boils!
‘Right, Leah?’ one of them asked me.
“Hmm…” I replied motionlessly.
More laughter. ‘Looks like someone had an extra good time last night.’ They chortled. If only they knew. But they wouldn’t. Not from me anyway. Soon enough the grapevine of the rez would be at work, and the news would flourish into gossip about how the Clearwater girl, had used the Call boy. How she was no good. How she was always setting the cat amongst the pigeons. Little did they know. It was the Warrior who stood on the outskirts, who’d made the mistake of believing she could be among the village. How wrong could that Warrior have been!
The drive to Forks was too quiet. I couldn’t bring myself to turn on the radio and even though part of me wish she would… neither did my mom. It was shockingly out of character for her. I waited for her to bring up Leah again, but even with my eyes darting to her every few moments, she never turned my way. I didn’t know if I wanted her to force me to talk more or if this silence was preferable. Sure, it was uncomfortable… but was that because my insides were shredded? My soul fractured.
‘Sue should have the final total from the car wash this evening. I think it’s going to set us up with a really good budget for the centre.’ She said instead. I tried to smile. I really did. I was happy with the outcome of the event and the fact that it had gone so, so well… In terms of fundraisers.
No. That wasn’t fair. It was an amazing day. The way the night ended had nothing to do with the event. ‘You really should try to get involved in the project… maybe one of the classes or weekly events?’ She continued. ‘Just when you have time. I know how hard you work.’
“I’m not sure I’m the best person to teach a parenting class, Mom.” The chuckle was real, the image of me trying to teach teens to swaddle a baby was hilarious. My soul lightened… even if it was only for a moment.
‘Spirits no!’ She laughed too. ‘But you are teaching those boys about working out… how about something like that?’
I hadn’t forgotten my promise to the two kids yesterday… Spirits!!! Was it really only yesterday? My brows pinched. “They don’t want to work out… not really, they want to get hot… that’s all.” I chuckled. “They wanted to know how to get a body like mine.”
‘Don’t be vain, sweetheart.’ She corrected me without batting an eyelid. ‘Even if it’s true, it’s still good exercise, but at least they will learn proper techniques, so they won’t hurt themselves.’
“I promise to think about it,” I told her, and we drove in silence again until Mom spoke as we entered Forks.
‘Leah is a very beautiful girl.’ Mom said out of the blue…. Sort of.
I managed a smile. I knew what Mom meant when she said beautiful. She didn’t mean her face, the dimples that only showed with those particular smiles. She didn’t mean her body… the strength, and the abundance of glossy dark hair that you just wanted to touch every time she was close enough. Or the eyes… that indescribable shade of brown that you could pick out from across the room and be hypnotised by. Actually, she might have meant the eyes… that was the sort of thing Mom would focus on in a person.
“I noticed,” I replied, my grip on the wheel tightening, not out of anger but, trying to contain the intense longing that swelled up thinking about her. I had gotten used to missing her… I actually liked missing her, weirdly… the longing, the craving and not just kissing her… touching her… or feeling all the things, she made me feel. Just to see her, to talk to her the way we only could inside our bubble. I missed the way she pretended to get annoyed when I distracted her from her book and the way she accused me of stealing her playlists when I chose a song. I missed the way my heart jumped when I translated the song, she chose into how she was feeling when she picked them. Knowing I had something so good I didn’t want to lose it… I hadn’t felt that before. I had felt loss, of course… but not until it was too late. This had been different. And the fact I knew it would hurt when this was lost… didn’t make it any easier.
My heart was beating harder now. I missed the sound of her voice when she sang to me, the rhythm of her breathing as she settled into sleep. The way her heart skipped, slowed, or raced when I sang to her. I held onto that… I knew first-hand that time stole memories. But I knew the way my mind and my memory clung to sounds and voices.
Sometimes, I couldn’t recall exactly how my grandparents looked. But I clearly remembered their voices and the music they played… those were clear as a bell. So that is what I could hold onto. The sounds of Leah Clearwater’s existence. Her symphony… it was mine to keep.
I realised then that mom was waiting for me to say more, but what was there left to say? There was no way back from this. I wasn’t going to tear apart Leah’s family because I felt like my insides were crumbling. She had to put her family first; it was one of the things I admired the most about her.
She sighed after a long pause. ‘Okay then,’ She twisted a little in her seat, shifting the seat belt where I knew her CVC was hidden beneath her dress. ‘Let’s talk about Seth. You have known that boy since he was walking. Are you even speaking to him?’
“I haven’t spoken to anyone but you… since he… did what he did. I’ll speak to Seth when I’m ready.” I explained.
‘When you let things linger too long sweetheart, they…’ I cut her off. I knew this line.
“They rot. I know, Mom. I know. I’m not saying I’ll never speak to him again. He might, and then I can’t really do anything about that. But he’s the one that came for me. So why is it my job to put out that fire? Why is it my job to put out all of those guys’ fires?” She stayed quiet. “Right now, all I want to do is figure out how to take a breath without it hurting, okay? That’s all. So, I’m sorry if I’m not overly concerned about Seth’s feelings right now. He was out for blood last night. The only people I care about in this situation are me and Leah… and Sue because Seth crossed a line there. So, if that’s selfish then I’m okay with that. We all need to be selfish sometimes.”
Mom offered a small, sad smile. Maybe she couldn’t believe that Seth had intentionally hurt us… Spirits! Even I was struggling with that one.
I knew that it was wrong to feel relief but when we arrived at the hospital… there it was. The unwelcome, and much-needed feeling. Because I knew that once my mother was connected to her treatment device it was four hours more before I had to face the next stage of this. There was no avoiding it, I would have to speak with Jake… Quil… even Sam.
I walked inside with Mom, her arm linked through mine. I was probably going to have to speak to Sue too… but what could I say? ‘I’m sorry your son dragged you into this.’ Because I was certainly not sorry for what Leah, and I shared. I wasn’t sorry for keeping it between her and me… I kept waiting for that guilt that I felt for hiding my past from the pack to creep into this part of my life too. But it hadn’t, it still hadn’t. The more I thought about it the more resolved I felt in deciding I wasn’t going to let it.
I wasn’t going to let guilt or shame of any kind attach itself to the memories of our bubble.
I floated through the actions of checking Mom in, taking her to the treatment room, and waiting for Nurse Sophie to start the procedure all in a daze of routine, but not the kind of routine I had grown to love… I shook my head. So many things reminded me of her.
‘Are you okay, Embry?’ Mom’s nurse asked. ‘You look tired… you never look…’ She stopped, she had always commented that I always seemed to find the energy to be positive when I came here. I clearly wasn’t good at this - being okay – thing if an almost stranger could tell I was not myself.
‘He’s distracted today, that’s all.’ Mom said and I was glad that was all she said
she had always commented that I always seemed to find the energy to be positive when I came here. I clearly wasn’t good at this - being okay – thing if an almost stranger could tell I was not myself.
‘He’s distracted today, that’s all.’ Mom said and I was glad that was all she said.
Sophie touched my shoulder, and it took all my self-control not to recoil from the touch, she didn’t deserve that. I held my breath for some bizarre reason. ‘Remember that thing we talked about?’ She paused until I made eye contact. ‘It’s always an option, there’s no time limit or deadline, okay?’
Then it hit me. She meant the support group for family members of people on the transplant list. I cleared my throat and remembered to breathe. “Oh… yeah. Thank you, I’ll keep it in mind. Thank you.” Did I say that twice? Of course, she would think it was about that… it wasn’t an unrealistic guess. She nodded and left us to it with the normal instructions.
Four hours… I had four… My thoughts stopped as an unforgettable scent hit my senses.
“What the…” Claire? I inhaled through my nose once again, careful not to look like I was scenting the air. “Shit!”
Claire came running into the dialysis ward, but like she always did, stopped, and carefully sat on the edge of the large treatment chair and curled herself against Mom’s side, the side without the Dialysis port, which she was great at remembering but, right now it was obvious with the tubes coming out of the neckline of her dress. Then Quil strolled in. ‘She wanted to see Momma T before her mom collected her.’
I looked up at him… he had been planning on driving her home today. But I should have known he would change those plans to be here with me to face this day.
The light hum of music came down the stairs, with a mix of the mother and daughter duo working in and around the bar. They had been trying to keep the conversation with me going for as long as I could manage, before I retreated to begin the stock take.
Then there was the scent of mint, soap, and some generic shampoo hitting my nose. Followed by the sound of footsteps. I didn’t need to raise my glance from the clipboard in my hands and the stock I’d been counting in the basement to know who was making his way down to me.
His footsteps stalled halfway down, the sound of shifting feet, followed by silence. Bending down I continued with counting the number of bottles of whisky on the shelf, before taking note of it, then the vodka. And then…
‘I can sit here all day, you know.’ His voice low trying to keep the two ladies upstairs in the main bar from overhearing. ‘I’ve nowhere better to be.’ He continued. ‘I could even start singing a few verses of a Swifty song.’
“I told you and Char not to bother with the close down last night, I can see you over did it.” There was a drag in the way his footsteps sounded. And Mac always had a tell in his voice. (Not that I would ever give him a clue on it.)
‘I had a feeling it was best to do as much as we could last night.’ He told me.
‘Yup.’ He was playing me at my own game.
Standing up to my full height, I set my gaze on him. His dark hair wet and falling messily in his eyes, the overnight stubble kissed his jawline, his eyes filled with weariness, and yet his lips still turned up into a smile.
“Did you wake up with the need to get on my last nerve today?” His smile grew and he shook his head slowly.
‘Nope, it’s just bonus points at this point, Lee.’ It would have earnt an eye roll any other day. But today, I didn’t have it in me. ‘So…’ He started, rubbing the palms of his hands down the front of his jeans. ‘Are you going to tell me if it’s true?’
I pressed my plump lips into a thin line, licking the bottom lip before setting the clipboard on the small table. Leaning forward, to place my hands flat on either side of it. I needed to close my eyes, take in a few breaths. Before facing whatever was to come.
‘You know, you don’t need to say anything. But Seth was wired last night. And something was up with the boys in the bar last night too. And then it was hard to miss the whispers before everyone left. And like I said… Seth was wired, and rambling.’ Something made him stop. He was waiting. But I wasn’t ever one to share.
“What is it that you think you know?” I asked.
‘You… and Embry…’ He didn’t beat around the topic. ‘Been doing the deed in secret.’ My eyes darted up to find him. He didn’t flinch the way he used to once upon a time. ‘Lee… It’s no one’s business if you were. You’re both grown arse adults. Neither of you do the relationship thing –‘
My eyebrows pulled together, my hands had turned into fists, and my jaw was clenched. Something hot like lava bubbled beneath the surface wanting to be let out.
‘Ooh… Shit… Really?’ He slowly pulled himself up off the steps he’d been sitting on. ‘Well… It’s still only your business.’
I pushed my walls up with a crack! Had I let them down? What in the name of the spirits, had he seen? I hadn’t told Mac a thing, my lips hadn’t opened. And yet, he was looking at me with heart break in his eyes. “What exactly is it, that you think, you know?” My voice was low enough for him to hear me.
‘I know you… well I know the parts of you, that you let me into. And this thing…’ He pointed at me. ‘I know that you and Embry. It’s not what people are going to be thinking about. Their heads aren’t going to see the truth, unless you tell them.’ He took in a deep breath. ‘It’s a damn shame they don’t know how to engage their brain cells, before they start speculation of what their minds conjure up.’
She didn’t speak. Neither of us did. We stood grounded in shock. What just happened here? What did I show Mac without planning to do so? Why was it that he saw the truth, when my kid hadn’t. I wasn’t capable of being accepted by those who had a kind heart.
‘If you need to talk Lee, or if you just need to drink in silence. You know where to find me.’ Turning he made his way back up the stairs. Leaving me to my thoughts.
Quil never tried to get me to leave the room… he didn’t mention Leah to my mom. He wouldn’t, not with Claire here, but the looks my soul brother and Mom exchanged told me they both knew I’d come clean(ish) to Mom… or thought they knew exactly what was happening.
They talked about the car wash and the success. Claire filled Nurse Sophie in on how all of Mama T’s boys danced with her in front of the whole village and that it was the cutest thing she’d ever seen. It was then that I looked around… waiting for a cheeky comment from Hannah.
My heart sank… Her chair… It was… Empty.
No! No, no, no! My heart raced and I felt a hand on my arm, this time I did recoil… scanning the room. How did I miss this? She was just a kid, she couldn’t…
‘Bry…’ Quil’s hand clamped on my shoulder, hard. He brought my attention to the nurse again.
‘Embry…’ She smiled sympathetically. ‘Could you come with me?… there was a form I missed this morning. It will only take a second.’
I knew there was nothing missed. I did this enough that I knew exactly what I was signing each time. “Um, sure…” I stood and kissed the top of mom’s head.
At the nurse’s station, the woman turned to me. ‘You know I shouldn’t be telling you this… and I’m only doing it because I know that Hannah would want you to know, and you seem to be having a really hard day…’
“Is she okay? Please tell me she’s okay…”
‘She was airlifted to Seattle yesterday…’ I was going to be sick… Could I get sick? ‘They found her a kidney, Embry. We don’t have an update yet… but the transplant team there are incredible.’ I buried my face in my hands… trying to breathe. “Her Instagram… she posted after every treatment… Shit.” I patted my pockets… I still didn’t have my phone… but I knew that Quil would. Sophie, rooted around behind the nurse’s station. And must have searched her name because she was holding her phone out to me in seconds. A selfie of Hannah and her mom in a helicopter. A photo of hers and her mom’s hand in a hospital with the caption:
Hannah’s transplant went to plan, she’s exhausted but resting, and she can’t wait to update all of you herself when she feels better. Thank you for all the love and prayers. Hannah’s Mom.
Below it said it was four hours ago… she had eighty thousand followers, and the post already had 200 comments and many more likes. When I looked up Sophie had moisture gathered at the corner of her eyes. ‘That was a really good idea.’ She swiped at her cheeks. I couldn’t help but think how cruel it was that the people who have taken care of her this last year weren’t updated on her condition. ‘I…’ She looked down the hallway. ‘I’m going to show this to the others… But Embry… I can see you’re struggling, if the group isn’t for you then please… talk to someone. You’re not alone, okay?’
I just nodded… I had no idea what to say. Sophie went down the hall and disappeared into a staff lounge and I heard little gasps and even happy sobs.
I was more alone than I had ever been in my entire life.
Fuck!! I needed to get my shit together!
When I went back inside Mom was clutching at her necklace. The one I knew my father had given her. She was looking guilty. We both had been distracted and not noticed the young girls’ absence today. I leaned down next to Mom and told her everything. Seeing my mother’s tears of joy made it hit home… Mom still didn’t have a donor. And I knew it was evil…. I knew it was a horrible, selfish thing to think. I knew Hannah had a different blood type; the kidney she received wouldn’t have matched my mom anyway. But here it was that spike of bitterness… even anger… not at Hannah.
At this Spirit’s damned disease.
‘That’s incredible news right Momma T!’ Quil said in an upbeat tone, and I heard him walk around the back of the treatment chair. He hugged me, turning me away from the two women. ‘I know.’ He said so quietly that no one could hear it but me. ‘I know, brother… it’s okay. This feeling will pass. We still have hope… just breathe… you can let all of this out but not here.’ He tightened his hold and gave me a shake. ‘C’mon… you got this.’
I did what he said… I pulled myself together… but all I could think about was how badly I wanted to arrive on Leah’s doorstep and spill out all of the conflicting thoughts in my head. I knew I could say all of this to Quil or Jake… but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t what I needed.
I was pulled from that train of thought by Claire sitting on my lap and resting her head on my shoulder. ‘Are you sad?’ She asked and I couldn’t lie to her.
“Yeah, Little Bear… I am. But it’s okay to be sad sometimes.” I admitted.
‘Because Momma T is sick?’ She pressed.
“Yeah,” I said honestly. “But other things too. You don’t need to worry about me though. I’ll be okay.” Shit… did I just promise someone else I would be okay?
‘I know you will… and just so you know. I love you, especially when you’re sad.’ She whispered like it was a secret. I smiled, and Quil and Mom smiled too. How could we not?
“Well, now I just know I’m gonna be okay.” I hugged her a little tighter and kissed the top of her head. “I love you too, Bear.”
Then… too soon… we watched as a different nurse unhooked Mom from her machine and told us the doctor would have an update on her levels tomorrow and all the information, they told us every time we were here. It should have been annoying… but honestly each time, the rehearsed instructions I felt like it was the first time I heard it.
There was nothing left to do now but head home… I had no idea what was going to happen once we got back to the Reservation. For the first time ever… I wasn’t sure I wanted to go home. It felt wrong… like an alien feeling creeping its way into my mind. Home… that was where Leah was. All I needed to do was make it through a few hours then I had a shift at work.
‘Jake is going to meet us at The Sanctuary after Claire’s mom collects her.’ Quil revealed as we made our way out of the small hospital. He slipped my phone out of my pocket. And handed it to me after he unlocked it, and a message from Jake was open on the screen already.
TEXT: [Please don’t make me force you to have this conversation, Embry. I’m still your Alpha.]
I exhaled… Sam had told him about last night. I just nodded to Quil and shoved the phone into my arse pocket, ignoring the little red dot indicating I had fifty-four unread messages. How many were for me alone I wasn’t sure; most were probably the group chat. I knew that there would be none from the only person I wanted to talk to right now.
Driving in anything with four wheels felt wrong. But I had no way to do the jobs needed to be completed on the back of my baby. I had to be thankful to Mac who loaned me his truck for the rest of the day. He was adamant he planned on working on the bar accounts until opening time, after finding my list on the note pad in the office. He knew the only way to get me to stop was to get the tasks on the list completed. If only he knew… for every job completed, I was willing to find three more to add. But for now, I’d given into his demand to loan his truck to me, so that I could make a drop off at the food bank, and then onto Port to visit Danni and her dad.
As I pulled up in a space before the Sparkle ‘n’ Shine, the man working on a car before me gave a nod of recognition. He had been one of the three working out front the last time I came here. ‘Boss, you are needed.’ I heard him call out towards the valeting and detailing area, before I’d even turned the engine off.
A red headed man came out from the side, the outbuilding looked busy as his frown turned into a small smile. I hadn’t seen him the last time, but I could tell from one glance that this was the owner, Chris Brinkley. The man looked to be in his fifties, with a beard covered chiselled jawline, broad chested, hard working. He had the same red hair as his daughter Danni, and the same green eyes too.
Climbing out of the truck I took a few long strides to meet him part way before coming to a stop in front of the men working on cleaning a few cars. ‘Miss Clearwater.’ His hand was outstretched, in a friendly offer of welcome. ‘You look just like your mother.’ The man had a strong grip. The damp patches on his clothes telling me he liked getting his hands dirty with his team.
“So, I’ve been told. It’s nice to meet you Mr Brinkley. I’m guessing Danni is at school.” Dropping his hand before stepping back.
‘Please it’s Chris.’ He nodded his head. ‘We weren’t expecting you to bring things back so quickly.’ Pointing to the bed of the truck.
“Okay, Chris. Then it’s Leah.” Taking a few steps backwards to drop open the bed. “We are so thankful for your help and support. And we didn’t want to impact your business.” I moved to the side so he could see we had indeed fixed the polisher as we had promised.
‘Leah, you have impacted my business.’ I frowned looking the man in his eyes. He was only a few inches shorter than me. ‘Look around, we are never this busy. But everyone coming today are all talking about our banner in La Push, and word of mouth.’ I let out a long breath. Half smiling.
“I’m glad to hear it. I didn’t bring the banner back. If it’s okay with you I’d like to leave it up for a little while longer, I can drop it off the next time I’m in town.” I told him.
He waved my comment off. ‘You can return it whenever you are done with it. Really, Danni spoke so highly of you and…’ His eyes moved to the truck and around. ‘You alone? She said there was a young man with you last time?’
I had to bite the inside of my cheek. Embry… He was expecting to meet Embry too. “Yeah, Embry… I’m not sure where he is today… So, I came to return things while I had time.” Not saying that I needed time away from the mess I’d caused in his life.
The two of us got to work, taking out the boxes from the truck and returning them back up to the storeroom. Chris made small talk by asking about the event, about the turn out, about the fact that he was grateful to have the opportunity to help in a small part. And all the time, I saw flashes of Embry. His teasing, smiling face. How he spoke with Danni, how he was proud of his mom and mine. How in a blink of an eye, the next image was of him fighting back tears, saying goodbye to me.
With one final thanks to and from Chris, I was back in the truck making my way out of there, before the memories came rushing out, they were threatening to break my determination on keeping it together.
I took a long deep breath. Jake wasn’t here. We had just pulled up in front of The Sanctuary and he wasn’t there. That meant he was giving me a moment, he left me enough time to settle Mom in for her post-dialysis nap and get home with time to breathe before… whatever this shit storm was going to be.
By the Spirits, I would give anything to be able to go through this with Leah. Would that be harder? Being close to her and so fucking far all at once? No… Near would always be better. For me. But for Leah? Probably not. And I wasn’t about to make this harder.
Should I call her? Tell her what was about to happen? Tell her about Sam showing up last night? I had no idea… What had grown between Leah and I, was a first for me and the end of it… FUCK! I had no idea how to act, or how to speak about it… and I knew there were only two souls in the universe that would understand it if I did find the words.
They both lived within Leah Clearwater.
‘Bry?’ Quil asked from next to me, fist-bumping my arm. ‘Are you coming in?’
“Hmm?” my mind processed slower than normal. “Oh… um… yeah.” I grabbed my phone and killed the engine, climbing out of the truck. The door of the house was unlocked like it always was when Claire wasn’t in the house. Her Mom wouldn’t be long…
‘Hey!’ Claire said, already on the front porch. ‘There’s a package here!’ Then a short pause. ‘It’s for me!!!’ she jumped up and down and then ran to hug Quil. ‘Did you get me a present?’
Quil hugged her anyway but answered, ‘It wasn’t me Claire Bear. Take it inside and have a look.’
We all headed in and Claire started shredding at the tape on the box. I knew Quil wanted to help but he didn’t. Who on Earth would send something from this company to us? Or well… Claire? Was it her mom? Maybe it was meant to arrive just after she had?
She gasped and clapped squealing and saying O M G like each letter was a word. When I saw the boxset, I knew who sent it. I was completely certain that I had distracted Leah from almost all of those books at some stage.
Try dreaming of a world of assassins. The hero in this story, will show you what it means to be a strong girl who grows up making mistakes… But learnt from them. -L
Claire read the note and hugged it! ‘It’s from Leah!!’ then she looked up at him with a pout. ‘Please, please. Please tell me that I’m allowed to read these ones!!’
Quil laughed. ‘Well, I’m not sure you’re old enough to read about assassins if you are going to make faces like a five-year-old.’ He teased playfully. She adjusted her expression immediately and if I wasn’t staring at the books again, I might have laughed. ‘I trust Leah.’ Quil said from somewhere far away. ‘If she thinks these are appropriate… and if your mom agrees then I don’t see a problem with it.’
Claire jumped up and down, her long ponytail swaying… and okay, seeing her this excited. It made me smile. It might have been Quil saying he trusted Leah too. Claire peeled away the plastic and slipped each book out one at a time, examining the art and the map inside the covers. I tried to be as present as I could for her last few moments here for another two weeks. This seemed to be as long as Claire could stand being separated from him. And it was the extent of his nerves too… actually his was shorter, but he suffered in silence better than the pubescent girl. Just about.
When we were alone and it was just my best friend and me, I told him I was going to shower before Jake showed up. I hadn’t washed since the pups hosed me off at the car wash yesterday and that was hardly a proper shower. I cranked up the heat until the water heater sounded like it just might blow from the exertion, and even my skin started to tinge red. The bathroom was fogged in a matter of moments and I scrubbed and scraped and rinsed while I tried to wrestle my mind into some kind of order.
Sitting in the cab of Mac’s truck on the side of the road, I closed my eyes. She still couldn’t speak clearly to me. But we were slowly processing the best we could. The flash of a past visit came to the forefront of my mind’s eyes. Showing that smile we had become accustomed to receiving. His dark eyes with at tell tail crinkle at the corners, with the curve of his lips as he chewed on a slice. I could recall the moment, the scents, the sensations. Even the riot of something coming alive deep in the pits of my stomach.
I swallowed all the emotions yet again. This day wasn’t playing the way we had agreed to, and I didn’t know why in the name of the spirits I was losing my hold. She knew why, and maybe I was trying to keep us from wondering down that rabbit hole to save us from what we knew was waiting there.
So, I did the next best thing. I pulled my hair back off my face, rubbing my hands over it a few times before climbing out the truck. Leaning over the seat my hands pulled to pick up a case of local IPAs, and a bottle of top shelf whiskey I brought to Port with me.
‘Leah? Damn woman! What are you doing here today?’ Marco Rossi came walking towards me. His blue eyes twinkled, smile big and welcoming (and yet it missed what I was longing).
“Yeah, thought I’d drop a little something off to thank the team and your old man for all their help.” He took the case of beers from me, being the gentleman his father had brought him up to be.
‘You didn’t need to do that. He had a blast by the sounds of it. But…’ His chin motioning to the bottle his eye glimpsed in my other hand. ‘He’d never say no to a gift from you.’ Walking now as he spoke. ‘Come… come… He’s in the truck.’
I followed Marco towards the side of the truck, his deep husky voice called out to his dad, letting him know that I’d come to see him. The men were a fine act together. They got along like a house on fire, but they would also be the first to tell you it wasn’t always the way.
‘Leah! Grazie, Bellissimo.’ Leo took the bottle when I offered it out towards him. ‘The team and I had such a good time.’ I didn’t need to say much, the right sounds, at the correct times, a nod of my head, and a shrug here and there. Leo was the show of the moment. He kept the conversation moving, retelling and reliving the day for Marco who hadn’t been able to attend. ‘And the women.’ He kissed his fingers to the air. ‘You need to go visit son. Maybe find yourself a beauty like our Leah here to date.’
Marco’s eyes flashed to me before dropping to the ground and then he shook his head. Leo was known to put his son on the spot, just as Ma and Ms C would do to me. ‘Sure Papà. I’ll have to get right on that.’ Rolling his eyes to the sky before glancing over at me again.
I said my goodbyes, this time leaving empty handed. I knew what today was, there was no way Ma and Ms C would be eating pizza. Not after Ms C’s Day with treatment.
Back in the truck, I nodded my head once to the Rossi Men before pulling out of the side spot making my way towards the Rez. The thought of going back pulled at my chest, and at the same time dread filled my veins. Needing to get out of my head, I turned the radio on, hoping the music spirits would take it easy on me. But I should have known better. The moment the song began to sink in, my eyes remained on the winding roads before me with my hands white knuckling the wheel.
Music: Anson Seabra - Walked Through Hell
When I stepped out of the shower, I was painfully aware of the music in the next room… I had a plan… I was going to shave. Like I usually would… that’s how we acted when we were okay, right? But the lyrics in the next room tore me from the mirror before I even tried. I was still tucking the towel around my waist when I stepped out of the heavily steamed (even with the narrow window open) bathroom. I crossed the main room in long, determined strides…
Music: Imagine Dragons – Sharks
Drownin’, you’re seein’ doubles
Don’t you let ‘em see your struggles
Take advantage off your niceness
Cut you up in even slices
I cut the last line out by hitting the off button on the speaker so hard the bracket beneath it collapsed. I hardly even felt the corner of the sound bar bounce off the instep of my foot. My fists clenched and my chest constricting with rage… and maybe… no…
The song is about the betrayal of trust, of friendship that takes a turn for the worst. Reminding us to watch our back even with those we trust the most.
There it was again… anger like I never felt before.
No… I didn’t HATE Seth… I couldn’t. This was… temporary… this wasn’t me… I couldn’t, I …
A hand clamped onto the back of my neck. Quil turned me away from the wall with a forceful tug. ‘Take a breath, brother.’ His voice was a command, not something you would call a brotherly comfort… but this was us. Exactly what I would do if our places were switched. He waited until he heard my heart ease back. ‘I’m sorry… I thought it would help… I know you love that band…’
I pulled away, I couldn’t… Jake would be here any minute and I couldn’t have this conversation on repeat… “It’s fine… I’m fine.” I pulled away and headed to my room. He wouldn’t hold it against me.
What he did do though, was follow me. ‘Don’t bullshit me, Embry. I was there.’
“Fine, why don’t you tell me what I am then?” I snapped, unfairly. I pulled clothes out of a pile that smelled clean without looking at what they were… I knew there was a memory of Leah attached to almost everything I owned. It was better not to think about it too much.
‘Hurt, devastated…’ he didn’t bat an eye as I tossed my towel to the bed… still not fully dried off as I pulled on shorts. ‘Heartbroken.’ He added. I scoffed and tried to look busy as I stuffed the pile of clean-smelling clothes into my closet, not paying any attention to what I was doing. I just needed to move.
“You were there last night… you heard what Seth said. Someone like me isn’t capable of feeling that, Quil.” The words came out in a rush. “Don’t you remember?”
‘Seth was a fucking idiot last night; give him enough time and he’ll see that himself.’ Quil replied. “Even if he does it will be too late.” I was stuffing socks in the cubbies I usually kept my shoes in and Quil acted like that was completely normal. “It’s how you act that matters… not how you regret it after the fact.”
Quil took a step backwards and stared at me with wide eyes. ‘Wow… you…’ He shook his head like he decided not to finish the thought.
‘Nothing… you just… sound like, Leah?’ The words came out like a question.
Her name hit me like a punch to the gut and I was suddenly aware of the mild ache in my foot… like all the physical sensation rushed back in at once. “I’m not going to have this conversation twice, Quil. Not until Jake—” As if I had summoned him, the sound of Jake’s truck pulled up outside.
Quil crossed his arms over his chest and gave me a worried, confused look. ‘Once it is.’ He said. ‘C’mon… I made coffee.’
I tried not to flinch… I wasn’t sure how… but Quil somehow managed to mess up pouring coffee grounds into the filter and filling the machine… how it was possible? I have no idea. But it was a fact. The vehicle door opened and closed outside. I followed my best friend and housemate, taking the coffee he offered but I opened the cupboard and made this coffee very, very Irish.
‘Bit early isn’t it?’ Jake asked, dropping his keys in the bowl next to the door as though he lived here.
“Not the day after your Alpha sticks another pack’s Alpha on you… without so much as a heads up.” I shot back.
‘Jake!’ Quil whirled on him. The Alpha just popped a single brow.
‘Hello to you too… Going on the offence then, are we?’ He asked and came inside taking the cup Quil offered.
‘You sent Sam? Really?’ Quil shook his head in disbelief. “SAM!”
‘Not like it matters. He…’ Jake gestured to me, still shirtless in my kitchen. ‘Slammed the door in his face.’
‘Good!’ Quil turned to me in time to see me grimace at the taste of the coffee, not even the whiskey could save it. ‘That was fucking stupid, Jacob… you get that, right?’
‘I’m only one person.’ He shrugged. What the hell did that mean? Had he gone to Leah last night?
“You spoke to Leah?” I demanded. Sure, I was speaking to my best friend and my alpha, but I didn’t care if it was insubordinate. Not today.
‘Yes… and that’s all I’m going to say about that, that was between Leah and I. This is about you, Embry.’ He said firmly and took a seat, noticing the damage along the back wall and saying nothing about it.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t realise your pack was in the business of respecting people’s privacy.” I scoffed. Swigging the bitter brew in my hand again.
‘And that’s between Seth and I.’ Jake looked up at me, he was confident enough in his role as Alpha that he had no issue being seated while his pack stood. ‘Are you done behaving like a child? Or do you want to punch more walls before we get started?’ Jake glanced at the mess against the back wall.
‘He didn’t actu—’ I gave Quil a small shake of my head, telling him not to make excuses for me. He stopped talking.
I rolled my eyes… knocking a soundbar off a bracket hardly counted as punching a wall. I sat… signalling for him to get on with it. He sipped his coffee and screwed up his face…. ‘Maybe it’s not too early to add a little whiskey to this after all.’ He spoke. Quil rolled his eyes, he was used to our comments about his coffee. But he grabbed the whiskey for Jacob.
Jacob waited; I wondered if he expected me to start spilling my guts about this… that was not going to happen. Then he sighed and dragged his hand through his hair. The worried best friend was showing through the Alpha now. I couldn’t find the energy to care. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked.
My stomach soured. I shook my head… “Next question,” I said.
‘Embry…’ Jake drew back as if I’d spat at him.
“Don’t make me lie to you, Jacob… Next question.” I locked gazes with him, pleading. “Please.” I exhaled heavily and then… it began.
The sky changed its shades before me, reds with oranges, with grey clouds covering and hiding in the mix, as I finally returned to the borders of our land. The wind kissing my skin through the open window. The Spirits hummed in a sombre tone welcoming a warrior back to where she belonged. She answered only to acknowledge their call, but nothing more than that.
I had one more stop to make before I could give Mac his truck back and work up to the next item on my list. The day so far hadn’t been as smooth as I had thought it would go. Maybe it was a way for me to be shown that even if my journey on the path to help and guide him had been short lived, his imprint on my life would last longer than a line in the sand.
Pulling up outside of the food bank on the rez, I climbed out making my way to the back of the truck. Opening the bed of it, I jumped up pushing the boxes of food forward.
‘Leah?’ it happened again… What in the Spirits was going on with me? This was the second time today someone had managed to come up to me without my sensing them beforehand. ‘I didn’t expect to see you here.’ It was the mom of one of the pups. She’d been at the car wash yesterday.
“We had some food that wasn’t used. And Ma knows you have that after school programme open.” I didn’t need to say anything more, jumping down from the bed to stand beside her.
‘That’s so generous of you.’ She clapped her hands together.
“It’s ma… she’s the one with her fingers on the pulse around these parts.” I told her stacking two boxes on top of the other before lifting then. “Show me where you want them?” I asked following her into the building.
Once again, I didn’t need to hold a conversation. She did all the heavy lifting, but I wasn’t blind to the sideways glances as we walked. It wasn’t until we were inside. The tension between my shoulders deepened with five sets of eyes turning on me the moment the doors opened and then all went silent. So, the news (or some form of it) had begun to spread.
“Where do you want these?” I asked the pups mom again, letting her usher me away to the far side to set the two boxes down. Opening them I showed her what we had inside, when the whispers, and the shuffling started.
The pup’s mom raised her voice, trying to drown out the words coming from behind us. But she knew what I was, and she knew there was no masking what they said.
‘Are we surprised? What else is she going to do?’ One voice spoke.
Another added, ‘I told you; she’s always surrounded by all those boys.’
‘What about the young ones? Are they safe from her talons?’ A few hummed in agreement.
‘She has no shame. Her mom is walking around acting like she is all about the tribe and look at her daughter. Working her way around that group. They all must—’
This last one crossed the line. I didn’t give her a chance to finish, because I veered around to face her. My eyes narrowed, and my one eyebrow raised. Daring her. At this point wishing her to keep going. Bringing my Ma into their fowl thoughts was not allowed. I didn’t give a damn what was said about me. But Sue Clearwater. Hell No!
I felt a hand on my arm, holding me in place (In name only. Because if I wanted it. No one here could hold me back.)
‘Pay no mind to such things. You don’t fall to their level.’ The pup’s mom didn’t whisper. ‘Thank you and Sue for everything you have done for this tribe.’ I didn’t need the praise; I didn’t want it. Turning away I left the hall. The sounds of their outbursts following me out.
Once I was safely in the truck, pulled away from the building did I want to scream. But I couldn’t. That was emotions. It was a way to open the towers I’d rebuilt. And I didn’t want to go there. But Fuck! Of course they were whispering about Ma… Here I was… over a decade on, and again my actions were dragging my Ma’s name in the dirt.
I hadn’t thought how long this conversation with Jake would last… of course, my refusal to answer most of his questions didn’t help the timeline.
‘How long has this been going on?’ Jake asked.
‘I don’t know.’ It was honest… I hadn’t counted. But Leah would have. Her mind worked like that, she would remember the time and dates of it all. And I would remember every heartbeat, every scent, every time she dropped her guard and threw open her doors to let me in. My breath shuddered, remembering how still she became when she slept in my arms. How she… My heart was in a vice! ‘Weeks…” I guessed… adding more whiskey to my coffee. “Maybe months… I don’t…”
‘Jake, you know he’s shit with timekeeping. Does it really matter?’ Quil said in my defence. We both knew he’d probably asked Leah the same question and gotten a precise answer. I wasn’t interested in playing his little game of comparison.
‘I’m just trying to understand why you lied Embry… and Leah… Leah doesn’t lie. This is completely out of character for you both.’ Jake pressed.
“No one lied Jake… Not me… not Leah… not once.” I stated, looking him in the eye for the first time.
‘Because I know you; I will take your word that you honestly don’t remember when exactly this started… but seriously? You kept this hidden for months and you claim you never lied?’ Jacob rolled his eyes. ‘I didn’t come down in the last shower, Call.’
“I. Never. Lied.” I stared him down. “Not about this… not about her… I couldn’t…” I stopped. This was none of his business. Knowing how Leah felt about lying, I had never been able to tell a lie about anything remotely connected to her… it just felt wrong to include her in something that she found abhorrent.
Jake scoffed and shook his head. ‘All those nights you spent in Leah’s house? You didn’t lie to anyone about where you were? And no one caught on? Who are you trying to fool?’
‘He didn’t… not to me anyway and not to any of the pups I’ve spoken with. He just said he wasn’t coming home or didn’t say anything at all.’ Quil said this like it was a normal thing for roommates and best friends to do.
‘And you never thought that was weird? The guy that has overshared every detail of his life since he could talk; just not saying a word about where he’d been.’ Jake addressed him now.
‘Oh yeah…’ My roommate shrugged. ‘It was totally weird. But he was happy, I figured he was seeing someone, and he would tell us when he was ready. He stopped bringing girls home… he played his guitar way more than normal, and he was sleeping better… not here… but In general he was less tired. Why would I want to ruin a good thing for my best friend?’
‘So, you knew he was seeing Leah in secret?’ Jake’s attention seemed focused on Quil now.
“He thought I was sleeping with a married woman,” I said to take the attention away from him. This wasn’t on Quil. There was no way he should be getting the third degree over this.
Jake and Quil spoke at the same time. ‘That’s not what I—’ Quil started.
‘That’s not the point…’ Jake said.
“This is about me,” I said. “Not Quil.”
‘This is about my pack keeping secrets from me!’ Jake’s voice rose.
“This has nothing to do with the pack, Jacob. Leah and I go above and fucking beyond for this pack!! We always have and we always will and that has never once changed. Do you know why we were able to keep this a secret for so long? Because all of you push Leah so far onto the outskirts of the pack that you don’t see a Spirit’s damned thing that is going on in her life unless it directly benefits you.” I might have been yelling now and Quil was telling me to calm down.
“We take and take and take from this woman!! And we give her fucking nothing back, we made her life a living fucking hell for years, because we were too stupidly immature to deal with the fucked-up emotions being forced into our heads. That’s why none of you noticed a fucking thing!”
Jake had arms crossed over his chest during my outburst. So casual that it made me kind of want to snap one off. ‘Finally including yourself as one of the people that did that too, then?’
“I never forget it, Jacob.” My voice was suddenly very, very quiet. “Not for one second.” And still… she saw me… she let me in. She rose above all that history and let us become something beautiful… but not something endless. I could never be that for her.
Jake was quiet for too long then and went to the cool interrogation tone he’d begun this with… ‘Who started this?’
“Next question,” I said refusing to answer.
‘You both have leadership positions in this pack I need –’ I cut him off.
“Next question.” I dug my heels in, swigging my now cold, mostly-whiskey coffee. No answer would spare Leah the blame here. If I lied and said she did then she was out of line because she’s my superior and if I told the truth then she should have put me in my place and ended it instantly, she had certainly put me in my place… but then…. My heart raced… I could see it, clear as day. How she ran from her house barefoot… to me. For me. And her kiss? I couldn’t breathe again. No. No answer would do anything other than violate her privacy even more.
The guys were looking at each other… in shock, as they listened to the turmoil inside my body. ‘Spirit’s ‘Bry!!’ Jake dragged his hand through his neatly cropped hair. ‘How did you get….’ He held out his hands indicating the emotional train wreck that was me. ‘Here?’ Real concern filled my best friend’s eyes.
“Next question.” I gritted out through clenched teeth.
The day went on like this until Jake finally gave up and let me get ready for work. The sky was darkening as I dressed in my uniform. I texted Mom to check in and she replied with how her day went after I left her, and the total raised for the community centre. I smiled at her excitement; she was the last bright spot I had now.
Spirits, I was a fucking sad sack!! I need to get my shit together.
I said goodbye to Mom, promising to buy her dinner to celebrate… I would have wanted to include Sue in that too, but I had no idea what I should say to her. How could I bear to see disappointment… disgust on her face?
I thought I would feel relieved when I made it easier to fake a smile and answer; “I’m great!” When people asked how I was.
‘God damn, Call…’ Joe eyed me up and down when I came into the security office to clock in. ‘You look like hell!’
This was exactly why Joe was so good at his side gig. He could read people, almost as well as the creepy mind-reading Cullen. ‘Is everything okay? Your mom?’
“Yeah… Mom’s fine. Just…” I had to give him something. He was too good at this to be deterred easily… “Just a little stressed out, you know.”
‘What do you need kid? You know Seattle didn’t use up all your paid vacation days. Need a little time out?’ Joe put a hand on my shoulder, and I knew better than to pull away.
“No.” I shook my head. “Honestly… I think I need to keep busy… keep distracted. You know. But I appreciate it, Walker. Thanks.”
‘Well, if things change and a break sounds better… just say the word.’ Then he looked at me… the same way he looked at me when I first met him. ‘Anything you want to talk about?’
Again, I knew an outright ‘No.’ wouldn’t make him drop it… so I said. “No… maybe… but…”
‘Not tonight?’ He finished for me. ‘Alright then… let’s get started on that distraction. I had you on the private booths tonight but I’m gonna swap you to the main floor. I want you on your game and focused. You hear?’ He patted my shoulder and smiled, nothing in his tone was strict or remotely boss-like. This is why all his guys were so loyal. “Yes, Boss.” I drawled like I was amused and left the room as he muttered ‘Cheeky little shit’ under his breath, almost affectionately. Then I got right to work.
‘You made good time.’ Mac threw the bar towel over his shoulder making his way towards the back door to hold it open as I pushed my shoulder through.
“Yeah…” Biting the inside of my cheek. The time from the food bank to the bar wasn’t enough. Not enough for me to relive those words.
Not enough time for me to rage internally at my lacking.
Not enough for me to… Lock it down.
‘Okay…’ He drew out the small word for far too long. ‘Need me to help with anything?’ as I set the keys to his truck into his hand. Mac only got a shake of my head as a reply, with him following me into the office. ‘Leah?’ His voice wasn’t easy going as it normally was. When my gaze darted up to him, he didn’t flinch, didn’t step back, didn’t even blink. ‘Give yourself time.’
Spirits! Why? Why did they send me a friend like Mac at a time when I needed to rage at myself. Why was he here giving me something I may have needed, but sure as hells didn’t want? And he didn’t even know half of it. Never asking questions about anything over the years too.
“I’ve got to go. You and the guys have everything you need for tonight, right? Don’t worry about closing. I’ll be in early to set up and have the bar ready for opening.
Mac’s fingers moved to turn the new schedule I’d updated, printed out and set on the desk. ‘Why the changes? You like working into the night as much as you can.’ He asked me.
I couldn’t tell him the full truth of the matter. What was I going to say. Yeah, my alpha told me I needed to step up and take the nighttime runs so that my path didn’t cross….
No… I couldn’t tell him that, or anything really, so I said. “I’m needed elsewhere in the evening right now. Are you cool with the changes. Whatever you can’t do, you know I will take off your hands.”
His glance didn’t move from my face, making me question, what in the name of the spirits could he see there? ‘We’ve got this Lee. We’re a team.’
That word had only one meaning to it, but when used in front of me the images were morphing. I’d gone from being a person on the outlines, to making it in a few steps, to now being pushed out even further away. Because it was the only way I knew how to protect everyone from the inferno of my existence. I was doing it again… Bringing the greater good down with my shadows.
The sound of my phone tone bought me out of my stupor, it was time for me to go. Seth and Char would be here soon to join Mac. “I’ve got to go.” I told him picking up the keys to my baby. “Like I said. I’ll be here early. So, don’t worry about closing down.” Setting my hand on the stack of papers. “Here are the invoices, they need to be checked with the stock. I’ll take care of it tomorrow too.” I knew I was filling my time with tasks; the list was for my benefit. If it never ended, I didn’t need to let myself think too deeply about my situation.
‘Sure, if you don’t want the help…’ He sat down in the chair behind him, kicking back to take me in. ‘Who am I to offer it.’
Rolling my eyes, while pulling up the zipper to my jacket, pointedly looking back over at him. “You’re really asking for an arse kicking, aren’t you!” not a question. Walking past I gave him a playful smack upside his head.
‘You wouldn’t have me any other way, Leah Clearwater. It’s about time you stopped fighting it.’ Mac was teasing me, but the sound of joy in his voice was missing. Spirits! Had I done that to him too?
Pre-opening checks got interrupted by the Fire Marshall… just fucking perfect… Not that the place wasn’t up to code. I just really didn’t want company while I ran through the simple, uncomplicated tasks of checking the fire doors, alarms and extinguishers.
I heard Joe walking down the back corridor, the space was not open to the public. ‘I’ll have to leave you in the very capable hands of one of my best… don’t get me wrong, all my guys are great. But Call… he’s dedicated… got that real protective drive… you know? No idea why he didn’t go into law enforcement or firefighting…’ I heard a pat, as though Joe had just slapped whoever he was speaking to on the arm… there was something not right about his scent. ‘But hey… your department’s loss is my gain, right?’ He chuckled and it was met only by a low, hum of; I’m not amused but I’m trying not to be rude.
And it was female… I gritted my teeth hyperaware of that unconscious bias I tried so hard not to have. But here it was, rearing its ugly head. They turned the corner just as I finished checking the contact alarm on the fire door. The Marshall was… pretty wasn’t the right word… striking… deep amber skin, just barely light enough to show a shower of freckles across her nose, a detail I was sure most people missed. At least until they were up close and personal, but not because she wasn’t the kind of woman people paid attention to. Just because human eyesight wasn’t great. She had thick braids wrapped in a meticulously tidy bun at the nape of her neck. Her uniform was perfect, not a crease or fleck of lint. A patch reading CCFPD proudly displayed. She was definitely the kind of woman men paid attention to… (Well if they weren’t so insecure they couldn’t date a woman that could probably out-bench them and more.) Yet I registered this as nothing more or less than a fact.
She rolled her shoulder. Was that from where Joe had made contact? Not pain but just shaking it off, maybe? Or was it the reason a female firefighter who couldn’t even be thirty yet was doing this job instead of fighting fires? Had she been hurt on the job?
‘Embry… this is Fire Marshal Adam’s. Can you take her on your opening round and answer any questions she has?’ He asked like saying; Sorry, no was an option.
“Sure, thing boss.” I stooped to check the date the extinguisher by the door was last serviced, this was a step I normally skipped because… well because I knew the exact date of the service.
Once Joe was gone, she became noticeably less… rigid. After a few expected questions like the club’s capacity… procedures, and training; she caught me off guard with a personal question. ‘Did you really want to be a cop?’ She asked and I caught myself laughing.
“Hell no… Never.” I said honestly, still chuckling a little. “Joe just teases me because I have Irish blood, and he thinks all Irish descendants become cops.”
‘Aren’t we all a little Irish at this stage?’ She cracked a small smile. I just shrugged… I wasn’t going to counter with the first thing that came to my mind. ‘So, a firefighter then?’
“For a while… but I think most kids have the phase, right? Some of us outgrow it… some don’t.” I nodded in her direction as if to say like you.
‘What made you change your mind?’ she pressed as I went through my routine, and she jotted down notes. ‘You definitely would have passed the physicals.’ She instantly looked embarrassed. She had tried so hard to be professional. She started to apologise.
“I won’t tell if you won’t.” I teased. Then I answered her question. “I watched one of my neighbour’s houses burn down when I was a teenager. There was nothing we could do… the mom was trying to heat the house because her two-year-old was sick for weeks and not getting better, she overloaded the wood stove. It took fifty-two minutes for the fire truck to get there… They lost everything. Two days later two white women and three cops came into our classroom and took the eldest boy from class, we never saw him or his sisters again.”
She looked appropriately horrified and fixed her gaze back on her clipboard. I hadn’t thought about that in years. I hadn’t even bothered to learn the kid’s first name. The rest of the inspection was quiet, with her only asking questions from the papers on her board.
Until Joe told me to walk her to her car, because ‘it was just good manners’. But I knew better. Joe wanted to ensure she left.
Once she was in, she pulled her window down… ‘Hey…’ She caught my attention, and I lowered my head to look in. ‘What did you really want to be when you grew up?’ she asked. I was taken aback by the intensity of her gaze. By the Spirits!! What was with all these women sent to test me?
“Chosen…” I told her and now she was taken aback. My heart began to squeeze painfully again. So, I asked. “You?”
She paused for a few long seconds. ‘Heroic’ She answered, honesty flooding her face and her heart racing at what I was guessing was a rare moment of vulnerability for her. ‘Goodbye… Embry Call.’ She said, turning her key in the ignition.
“Goodbye Firefighter Adams,” I said and stepped back from her car. After a long moment of contemplation, I took out my phone to text Mac.
[Surprise Inspection from the Fire Marshall… Might head to La Push next. I know you guys are in shape… just a heads up.] I couldn’t text Seth or Leah… that didn’t leave me many options.
Then I went back to work.
Thankful had to be an understatement for the distance I’d chosen to make my clearing. The peace of the forest around me, without the chattering of the pups, of the other OGs had to be a gift of the spirits who had also chosen to keep their silence this evening. I knew the changes to the runs wasn’t going to go unnoticed, by now both the packs would know the truth, and I couldn’t hide here all evening. Jake had planned for me to run with Sam’s pack tonight, I didn’t know if it was to protect me from the voices, or to protect the pack from me.
Closing my eyes I dropped my head standing in the clearing stark naked, feeling the cold breeze kissing my skin I waited for her to step up, to fall free from within me. But she wouldn’t come. I called for her. I prayed for the spirits to guide her to the light, but she was lost in old memories.
We heard the old jokes, the mocking, the groaning from the past. We heard the way no-one wanted to claim us as theirs, and the relief of being set free when I made the decision to lock myself and her down.
Even with my eyes closed I could feel the strain on them to open to let those tears free, but I refused to. I felt the emanation of facts trying to find something to grip tightly. Anything to make her feel safe in our world. There seemed to be a role reversal taking place, where once she had been my strength and guide, now I had to be that for her. I had to be the one to show her why we were here, what good came from us that the others couldn’t contribute. How we weren’t going to allow our personal turmoil dictates the way in which we reacted.
“We will be fine, there is nothing anyone can say that we haven’t heard before. No words that could knock us down or break our will.” I told her. To which she showed me our afternoon. The whispering sounds of the tribal women, the way they spread lies without knowing the facts. “You can’t hold it against the pups. Of course they are going to speak to their families, of course… We don’t lie… We can’t expect them to.
My form burst with a roar, a snarl, a gasp as my heart went from crushed to outright broken. She knew the truth; she knew secrets were kept for some in the past. Even now they kept things from their families. And yet, last night. What happened wasn’t even kept quiet for a day or two to give some breathing space.
That’s when we heard the chattering forest come to life. The handover from one pack to the other, the questions as to what the new world would look like, the assumptions that had been made, and the justifications that were being formed.
‘They should have known better.’
‘How did they think it was going to end.’
‘Embry… He was the one to dump Leah!’
‘Well, it’s Leah… how long could he put up with her stoney facade.’
I wasn’t upset, or mad. Nothing that was being said or shared was untrue. What were we thinking?
Four big paws hit the ground, we shook out our fur, with our nose in the air she let out an almighty howl to grandmother. She called to the Great Wolf, and the spirits to help her find her strength. And all I could do was witness the pain that she experienced from the depths of our heart. She couldn’t help but take the situation personally. It was as much hers as it was mine.
Then it all went quiet. They became aware of us, followed by shock, with in a blink of an eye my walls were up and locked in place. Reminding her, we must protect them from the rage she felt. It was our responsibility to keep them unaware of what was happening within.
The night was barely beginning… the DJ had only just started mixing and the club was slowly filling up. Another hour and there would be a line along the side of the building. The crowd was chill, the dance floor still had only a few people on it… girls that had clearly pregame before coming here, but they weren’t messy drunk, so it was fine. They might need watching later though, fights between girlfriends could get messy.
But something was off. There was a sense in the air that something was going to happen tonight. Joe had left the security office and was walking the floor, psyching the crowd up to fill the dance floor. The more people danced the more they drank. There was a voice in my ear.
‘Did you spot something over their Call… you look uneasy?’ Joe asked, touching his ear like he was an extra in a spy movie. Totally unnecessary; the walkies were an open channel.
“No… not exactly. Just have a feeling it will be an eventful night.” It wasn’t a strange thing to say. All of us would get these kinds of instincts from time to time, sometimes it was nothing… but mostly we were right. After long enough in this job you became a pro at reading a crowd. There was a murmur of disagreements but promises to keep their eyes peeled tonight.
‘It is a full moon out there… it does bring in the weirdos… So, let’s stay sharp.’ Joe said. I didn’t point out that actually, last night was the full moon… it was waning now.
My chest was feeling tight, and my wolf was uneasy. He wasn’t used to the way I swallowed our feelings… It wasn’t exactly our usual style, but if I followed them, I would be home, chin-deep in a bottle of Lahote’s moonshine. It was putting us at odds and that too was making it fucking hard to…. I don’t know… exist?
Function? Breathe? Fuck!! If anyone else said that I would think it was dramatic. But then… why was it bloody true? My mind was racing. Leah was at the bar tonight, who knew the kinds of things she would be hearing right now? While I had spent the day avoiding all of their bullshit. I had left her alone to deal with all the fallout!
My wolf lurched inside of me as if to say I told you so! This had been what his uneasiness was trying to tell me. “Boss… can you watch the east corner… I need to get some air.” The thing about Glamour? Everything was on camera… so you couldn’t use the call of nature to take a break unless you planned on taking it in the staff bathroom. But this was a call of the wild. My wolf needed to be outside. Joe agreed and I headed out back to the loading dock, the cold air hit but not in the relieving way it normally did.
It felt stinging and loud. And I was sure as the door flung shut, I heard a howl. But not just any howl, hers… theirs.
I shook my head, tilting it up to where Grandmother’s light fought through the cloud cover. Leah was working… he was just feeling her wolf’s heartache… Fuck! What the hell were those small-town-minded idiots doing!? I flicked the switch on my radio.
“Please.” I pleaded with Grandmother. “Just give her some peace… there must be a way. I will take her share if that is the price. Just one night, let her be.” The ache in my heart and bones remained steady, one soul share of this pain. Clouds passed over the face of the moon, she showed herself for a moment, her answer clear. She was leaving us alone to wade through this murky pool.
I took another moment, breathing in to try and calm the animal inside. Then I headed back inside for the second time tonight, turning the radio back on after a stop in the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and pull myself together.
The wore on and it turned out I was right. There were a few fights to break up, and not just the usual scrawny white guys pushing and shoving about who was hitting on who’s girl… a few fists flew too, one ended up wrestling one on the ground like a bad high school movie. The worst part… was I found with each one I was eagerly anticipating the next one, willing it to be bigger, more violent, a bigger challenge. It was only for a few seconds here and there until my protective instincts of a Spirit Warrior kicked in, the one we all had ingrained into our minds, bodies and souls. But I didn’t like it… I hadn’t had a feeling like it since before my wolf first showed himself and I discovered I had been chosen for a higher path. Actually, that wasn’t true. There were a few times I would jones for a fight with Paul after that… we had butt heads a lot at the beginning. I pulled out my phone.
[Can you meet me at the gym after my shift?]
I sent it to Paul, trying to think about why the group chat with the boy was so quiet tonight.
The reply wasn’t instant.
[Aren’t you normally out at 4 am?]
[You can say no… just looking for a sparring partner to blow off some steam. A good one.]
This was warrior code for: If I fight one of my co-workers right now, I’ll kill them.
[See you at 4] He replied immediately.
I knew he was going to have questions… but At least I could hit him while he asked them. Three more hours… was that how I measured my life now? The number of hours between my utterly inadequate distractions.
Being teamed up with Jared wasn’t new for me, the two packs often mixed to cover the runs. The OGs took several of the night runs, ensuring the pups who had school, or worked for those who didn’t know about our calling, could get a good night’s rest before their days started. Then there were those like me, no one to answer too, so I could float to cover whatever was necessary. It was part and parcel of running with two packs in the same tribe.
Tonight, I wasn’t running as a Beta, I was following orders by the Beta of Sam’s pack. And I knew how to fall in line. The rest bit came from not needing to keep my warrior’s mind on lockdown to the full strength of our power tonight. With only Jared and I really needing to communicate for the time being.
‘Lee, could you take the Cullen’s run for me tonight?’ He’d asked as soon as he locked his pups down. All those voices had been open when I turned into my warrior’s form, which was why I could feel, hear, and see the images they had in their minds. Imagination of young men could go wild when given the chance, and these men were no different. The only saving grace for me. They knew how to fall in line too.
“Sure, that’s not an issue with me, how far in do you want me to cover.” I asked him. The answer chilling my blood.
My warrior showed us the lines in our mind, strengthening what I already knew. The lines he’d asked us to cover would have us out of the way of the pack for the full term of the run. We wouldn’t cross paths, we wouldn’t need to communicate, we were being sent to the outskirts. I told her he was doing us a favour, that this had to be the best for all of those involved. But it was the loss of her fight back that worried me. She didn’t push back or question. He was the Beta in charge tonight, and we weren’t while under his command.
We split ways with the pack as soon as we came to the Quillayute river running between the two land lines. The jump over wasn’t hard for us, with the speed of our stride we cleared the banks without needing to think about it too much. Our four large paw pads muffling any sounds. She stopped to look back over the other side for a split second. Watching the rest of them breaking up into their teams to cover the east, west, and south, as we turned north.
The sounds of their howls, their paws, and their movements in the forest soon disappeared leaving me and my warrior to our thoughts. But… we knew better. We weren’t here to think. We were on call to defend our lands for dangers that could harm the people of the tribe.
We had our mission for the night, so we set off to accomplish it.
These lands we knew like the back of our hand, we were better at running them than the others anyway. (At least that’s what I told her). Jake, Seth… (Thinking his name hurt, but I pushed through) Would take these runs the most, because that way we could tell if something was out of place.
The sky was still dark as the night progressed. I hadn’t opened myself up to the rest of the pack, but I could tell where Jared was always.
I was checking in with him. When the unexpected sounds coming up from behind us caught our notice. The wind wasn’t playing fair for us tonight, so we leaped up and out of the way of the cross breezes, taking a wide run going back on ourselves, before taking a higher vantage point to pick up the scent coming up at speed. Of course, we could outrun them. But we didn’t run. We stood our ground, waiting for the right moment, before we leaped up and out from the rocks coming crashing down over the back of the Pup.
“What are you doing here?” She snarled at him.
‘I… I…. Leah…’ He shook as we tumbled on the ground, stopping only when my warrior had him pinned beneath our weight.
“Well… Speak!” her teeth bare.
‘I told Jake I wanted to run with you.’ He whimpered.
This stopped her enough for me to loosen her hold of his neck. The pup wasn’t fighting. He dropped his eyes, bared his neck, in full submission to us.
“Pup...” I spoke this time. “It’s too late for you to be on a run. You need to go home. Take one of the early evening runs. I’ve got this one tonight.” We moved to stand, letting the younger warrior who now that I noticed had overtaken me in height.
‘I want to be here Lee. I can help. I know Sam’s pack don’t like running the Cullen’s lands even now. And we never leave another to run alone. You are the one who taught us that.’ He earnt a huff from her. ‘Besides. I’m the one who gets bragging rights from this.’ He continued to babel. ‘Alone time to learn from Leah! The others would kill for that.’ He was on all fours running to keep up because my warrior had set off without warning.
I didn’t say anything. Had the pup not heard the Breaking News? Didn’t he know I was the leper in town again. But we could see it, in the way he fought to keep up by our side, the sideways glances. The tell in the pup when he had something to say but wasn’t saying it. And some part of us thanked the spirits for the fact. Not tonight.
My warrior slowed in her run, just enough for the pup to keep up, but not so much that he would know that we weren’t running at our chosen pace.
‘I really like running the Cullen’s lands. You know…’ We’d opened a sliver of our minds for him to come in. ‘It’s Ness’s lands too… We must protect her and what is hers… you know. At least that’s what I keep telling the guys.’ He got a sideways glance for that. The one thing we knew for sure was that this boy didn’t need any input from us to carry a conversation.
First, he updated me on his day, on what his mom and family had been eating for dinner, on what he’d been telling his friends about the bet he had won. And so on… and on… and on… it went.
Spirits! The bet! It was only yesterday… He had been so happy when I left him and the others at HwH… Little did we know what was going to happen next.
This shift… was too long… the crowd was rowdy… on the plus side. I did get to grab a hipster-wannabe scum bag by his man-bun after I watched him slip something into three drinks. I intercepted them before his almost-victims touched them. As soon as Joe told me he had clear images on the security footage I snatched up the little weasel. He may have walked himself into a table or two as we left… not too hard. Just hard enough.
While we waited outside for the cops, I made sure to speak very loudly about why he was being restrained and what for; in front of the line of people hoping for a chance to get inside the only club in this one-Starbucks town. The murmur quickly rippled down the line, his name among the whispers. Good… At least the word would spread about him. Some people were moving off now as closing neared… but some lingered for the gossip.
“Since when do you work the night shift?” I smirked at Charlie when he pulled up with another deputy. I quickly adjusted my hold from the guy's hair to his wrists. He hadn’t put up much of a fight. Guys like this never did, it was why they needed to weaken their prey with pharmaceuticals.
‘Since one of my Officer’s kids went into labour with his first grandchild.’ He smirked.
“Walker is waiting for you in the office to show you the tapes.” We knew better than to prepare the footage ahead of time. They wanted to see it through our system before making their own copy.
The chief turned to the deputy and told him to go talk to him… that was weird. ‘Really?’ The green-looking cop said, far too excited at the prospect of being trusted with the handling of evidence.
‘Sure thing, you know the procedure. I’ll get Mr Call’s statement.’ Charlie nodded to him to go. ‘Let’s get this guy in the car?’ He asked and let me do most of the work while the spiker screamed about lawsuits and police brutality. To which all I had to say was. “I’m private security jackarse!”
Charlie asked me what happened and where the female witnesses were. He’d need to speak to them too. He wrote down everything I said. “Am I gonna have to appear in court for this?” I asked him.
‘Hopefully…’ Charlie muttered, and I quirked a brow. ‘It’s the only way to have him prosecuted Embry. Most likely they’ll read back this statement to you, you’ll swear under oath that that’s the truth and you’ll be free to go.’
I huffed. “Sometimes this job is more hassle than it's worth.”
‘You stopped three women from being drugged and protected one from something a whole lot worse Embry. I’d say that’s worth getting your suit dry cleaned for…’ He chuckled and swatted my bicep with his tiny notebook.
My gaze snapped to his at that. “A suit?” This made him laugh harder and lean against the squad car. The guy inside was sobbing now.
‘I’ve been hearing a lot of chatter from the Rez today, Embry.’ He was all Charlie now and less Chief Swan. Fuck!! It was off the Rez already?
‘No, but… I called after I heard. He’s worried about you… about both of you. Says you’ve fallen out with the boys over it all?’ He pressed. I scoffed and rubbed my jaw.
“It's barely been a day, Charlie. Everything’s fine. This really isn’t any of your business.” I wasn’t trying to sound rude… or maybe I was.
‘Billy is like a brother to me… Jacob is my business… Harry’s kids… are my business.’ He pointed out. And I flinched, my wolf spun beneath my heart, hurting for the loss of the elder like it was a fresh soul wound. ‘I’m not going to ask you what happened before… but I heard you had a scuffle with Seth and some kind of blow-up with Jake?’ I said nothing and when he realised, I wasn’t going to reply, he continued. ‘I know that you have a lot going on at home right now. You need to ask yourself if now is the time for you to isolate yourself from the people who have always been there for you.’
I rolled my eyes and took two steps back. “Leah was always there too.” I snapped, too angry. Too defensive.
Charlie clicked his tongue, shaking his head. ‘No one can go through what you’re going through without support, Embry. You need people you can depend on. Just think about it.’
I shook my head and regained those two steps, dropping my voice low. “What if she’s all I need?”
He stared at me for what felt like an age. ‘Then what the hell are you doing here, kid?’
I scoffed and walked away. “Goodnight, Chief Swan.” I stormed back inside as the closing procedures started. What the fuck was that? Why was I here? Why was I here? Like it was that fucking easy? My wolf was dying to release his anger.
The cops were still here as we locked up, transferring data and taking witness statements. I headed out to meet Paul and found him speaking to the Chief. ‘What’d this one do?’ he asked and before Charlie could speak, I interrupted. “Pickpocket. He was lifting wallets.” If Paul heard the truth, he'd be likely to drag the fucker out through the window. “You ready? Let’s go…” I headed around the side of the building to my Jeep. The gym wasn't far, but the lot would be locked by the time we were done.
‘That was a little rude…’ Paul punched me on the arm when he caught up.
“I’m not in the mood for small talk and Charlie has a job to do,” I said, and we both climbed into the jeep.
Tonight’s handover wasn’t completed in person. Jared and I spoke from a distance (which I’d placed between his pack and us.) I told him I’d sent the pup home at 2 am, gave him the run down of my findings from the ground we’d covered. And took the feedback from him. Not that he needed to handover to me, but we had out of respect.
Now the problem was what to do next. I wasn’t in the mood to go home… Not yet… I couldn’t lock her away when she felt so out of her depths. So, I asked her to run towards the cliffs. We knew the patrol had covered the run this way, meaning the next group wouldn’t start from the direction of the cliffs. It would give us a least a few hours to gather ourselves before we had to go back.
The cold breeze flowed through our thick fur, hitting our face and I knew she wasn’t allowing it to give her any joy. As our heavy paws slammed themselves down on the wet ground, covered with fallen leaves and forest mildew, the dark sky began letting droplets of rain fall all around us. The scents changed in the blink of an eye. Our mind brought forth images of a smiling face, dark eyes crinkled at the corners, and hair overgrown, in need of a cut. The thought came without the need to allow it free. Who is going to remind him to have a haircut?
She reeled at the way the memories hit, just by the scent of the woods changing. I didn’t stop her, she’d always let me work my shit out, and now it was time for me to give her that same grace period. My grieving could wait. She could take as much time as she needed.
The wind brought the forest alive as only rain could, this was the life my warrior craved when she was out in the wild and in charge, but tonight it was muted. The vibrance of the world lost to us, the smells had no sharpness to them. Our senses didn’t seem to be as aware. Something at a loss…
I finally called on her, asking her to beware of the dangers she could be leaving us exposed to. This made her shake her mind out from the spiral I could sense her attempting to drown in. Now wasn’t the time to hold her in! So… I let her be free.
Our paws kept hitting the ground on the incline, taking long strides, and jumping over fallen trees. The scent of the ocean, the saltiness of it burning our nose, the sounds of the crashing waves beating against the cliff’s edges ringing in our ears. The adrenaline pulling through us, wanting to jump higher and higher. To become one with the spirits, and the wind, to be even faster, the need to burn in our muscles if we couldn’t set the world on fire!
An almighty final leap and that was it….
The white giant wolf went shooting off the side of the cliff’s edge and into the blackness of the night. Our eyes wild and wide open seeing the morning light of the sun breaking the crest. But we couldn’t admire the beauty in that moment. Too soon it all came crashing as I pull her back, pushed myself front and centre taking the lead as our body hit the water with a crash!
Black waves engulfed our naked human body. If we had been any other person, the jarring shock of the ice water would have sent us into distress. But we lived. We knew we would… This wasn’t a cry for help…
A place where the sound could be hidden in the ocean, never to be heard by another living creatures’ ears. This was what she needed, and I didn’t question her call for it.
I closed my eyes and let her fall into the darkness of my soul. She had protected me from the first moment she came to me, now it was my turn to be there for her.
At the door of the gym, I punched in the last four digits of my membership number allowing us 24-hour access. It was a perk of working for Glamour. They wanted all their staff to look good… so everyone got a top-tier membership with 24-hour access. I really only used it to work out with the guys from work during regular hours… just because I needed to appear to put in some kind of effort to stay in shape. It was unnecessary but it was good to burn off energy… especially now. They didn’t have a security guard because they had never had any problems with theft or members causing trouble.
Inside Paul waited while I pulled on a pair of shorts and trainers from the bag I always kept in my Jeep. Because you never know when you just might need to run off into the woods and strip.
At least that was life for a Spirit Warrior.
‘So… we just aren’t going to talk about it.’ Paul asked as we headed to the boxing ring. “Talk about what?” I asked. If he was going to bring 𝕚𝕥 up I was going to make him say exactly what 𝕚𝕥 was. Would he use the same words that Seth had? ‘So… no?’ He quirked a brow in a way that made me wish I already had my gloves on so I could punch that brow right back to where it belonged… but there were cameras here so I couldn’t get in a cheeky punch. I tugged the lace and pulled on the other glove. Paul did the same and we got into the ring.
“Ready,” I asked…. We hadn’t warmed up… but no one who checked the overnight footage would see it as a red flag… Probably just laugh and say we’d be hurting tomorrow. We started to slow. A few jabs... but the movement was building up inside, opening the locks and anger I didn’t think I was capable of any more started to spread through my veins.
‘I saw Seth today.’ He spoke. His eyes flicked to the cameras. They didn’t have audio. I said nothing, if we spoke about Seth right now, I would likely crack one of Paul’s ribs. Not that it wouldn’t heal by sunup… but still. I didn’t need the hassle from Rachel… I’d deserve it… but I just… he cut off my spiralling thoughts.
‘He’s not doing so good.’
“Poor Puppy… suffering the consequence of his own actions, is he?” I scoffed and swung a left-right combo… both landed, and Paul flinched… not because it hurt… Because leading with the left was Leah’s move.
‘We all make dumbass moves when we're shocked, Call… you telling me you’ve never made a mistake?’ Paul swung a right hook that I danced back from.
“Did he say it was a mistake?” I asked. I wasn't sure if it would make a difference. Probably not right now… but maybe someday. Paul’s lips tightened, to my astonishment and a little horror and smug, dark satisfaction filled me and I swung a left, catching his chin. “Didn’t think so.”
‘Shit ‘Bry… you really are pissed.’ He rubbed his glove against his jaw.
I scoffed. I wished I was pissed… Pissed was easy. Pissed was temporary… fleeting… this. This felt etched into my bones. I wasn’t talking about how I felt about Leah. That was engraved into my soul. But this anger at her brother… at what he did to her… to both of them… to us. Paul’s back hit the ropes, and I suddenly remembered how many hits I had landed as I backed him to the corner. As he let me back him into the corner.
“Fuck… Are we sparring Lahote, or are you letting me beat your arse?” I growled.
‘A little from column A… a little from column B.’ He smirked.
He shut up and we sparred for a while. Paul landed a few punishing blows to my ribs and the jarring sensation seemed to knock something loose. Then Paul and I were locked up and I was screaming while he locked his he yelled at me the let it all out. My skin was too hot… the room was too hot. There was a sensation I could only describe as being in an elevator that was descending too fast.
I squeezed the water bottle over my head, but everything in me just wanted to take an icy shower… I couldn’t remember the last time I had taken a cold shower that wasn’t in her house so I could step out of the bubble with pants that fit. When we were apart, I cranked the temperature to feel closer to her. But this morning… doing that only made the ache worse.
Paul sat next to me at the edge of the ring. ‘I have to have Embry.” He said. ‘Why?’
I shook my head. “Look… No one is going to understand why we…”
‘No… ‘Bry.’ He stopped me. ‘Why the secrets?’
The laugh that escaped me was indecipherable from a sob. “Because the only world that would ever accept us is the one that we built, Paul,” I said, looking him square in his eyes. There was so much more to it than that… but this… this was the only part that they needed to know. He opened his mouth like he was about to speak and then closed it and looked at the water bottle clenched in his hands.
He didn’t try to deny it… he knew it was the truth, and I appreciated that he didn’t try to tell me otherwise. ‘Are you… Okay? Quil is…’ He dragged a hand along his jaw. ‘Worried.’
“I have to be okay,” I said plainly.
‘There’s no one else here ‘Bry… just say what you really feel.’ He nudged.
“I made a promise, Paul. I’m… I just… have to be.” I spoke. Paul looked like he was about to speak, and I blurted out. “Mom knows.” To keep him from saying whatever it was.
‘Well, shit!’ He blew out a long breath.
“Yeah, Sue called her… I guess after she tried to call me, but Quil had my phone… she was…” My chest clenched. The idea of Sue Clearwater being mad at me was enough to cause physical pain. “Jake sent Sam to my house… Mom’s house.”
Paul scoffed and shook his hand. ‘Oh, I know… I heard all about it. It was…’
“Stupid.” We both said together.
After another silent moment, he slapped a hand onto my shoulder. ‘Come on then. Let’s get you home, you need a night's sleep in your own bed.’
I shook my head. “You go ahead I’m going to wipe down the ring. It's after hours, we gotta clean up after ourselves.”
‘I’ll help.’ He jumped up looking far too eager.
“No go ahead I need to clear my head anyway… you okay to run home?” I didn’t tell him I wanted my Jeep, so I didn’t need to join the hive mind a moment before it was necessary. After the obligatory exchange of, are you sure? I’m sure. Were done Paul left, clearly relieved and I got to work.
We had hardly worked up a sweat so the deep cleaning I did with the supplies in the maintenance closet was unnecessary. I took out my phone and just hit shuffle, not able to face the choice of a song.
(Music: Loves You Like I Couldn’t Do · Duncan Laurence)
I picture you when we first met
That first kiss on your doorstep
Wish I'd framed that moment
I sit here waiting for your footsteps
Heart beats fast, I know there's no way back
I dropped my phone onto the padded floor. My soul was cracking again, and I was frozen.
Thought it would last if we just kept running
We played our hand now we're left with nothing
I finally scrambled for the phone and shut off the music and just barely resisted the urge to hurl the phone across the room. “Fuck!!” I dragged my hand through my hair. “C’mon, Call!” I scolded myself under my breath, gripping the top rope. “Get a grip!” I opened the message app on my phone. The urge to send this song to Leah and talk about how it punched me in the gut was strong. She would get it, she would understand. But a new sort of loss swept over me in a tidal wave.
The messages left in our thread were pack-related… the back and forth arranging the open mic night… the car wash… runs…. Mom’s appointments. All the music we shared all the silly, crazy, random and fucking beautiful things we’d said to each other were gone. The sense of loss was as fresh and knife sharp as it was at the rings last night.
“It was real.” I squeezed the phone in my fist, only easing off when the plastic creaked. “It was real, we were real,” I told myself over and over again.
I wasn’t sure how long I spent cleaning the ring and then taking a shower that could have waited until I got home… The cold water turned out to just be a different kind of torture. The sky was lightening as I drove back to the Reservation. I had thought last night had been the longest one of my life… but maybe this one felt even longer.
I would be okay. If it was the last thing, I ever did… I would be okay. I wouldn’t break that promise.
Nothing… We both came to the same conclusion together as we walked bare foot around the house opening the windows to let the outside in.
Nothing… was left of the last six months but memories most would question. The fact that Jake helped to clean my house that night, I’d not pushed back on it… Now irked me to the point that I wanted to kick my alpha in the balls!
At the time I’d been working on auto pilot, I could see what he was trying to do, but I hadn’t the time or the foresight to see how it would feel later when the dust settled a little bit. And now I could hand on my heart say… It felt like shit! Because if it wasn’t for the Gibson sat in its case on my armchair across the living room, I’d be mistaking it all for a dream. Even though I knew I didn’t dream.
The scent of him was gone, the way the cushions on the couch had shaped around him, had been straightened. His clothes Seth had scattered around the living room and bedroom were gone. Another rush of loss came skurrying out of the darkness she had hidden herself into.
Everything… Felt lost and broken.
And I didn’t have an answer as to what came next.
My body curled into itself as I lent on the wall and slipped down to the ground. My eyes on the ceiling to stop the flashing images of the last morning we spent here together. The way I felt waking up beside him. The hum of music playing as I cooked breakfast while he showered. The scent of him and coffee permeating. It was all gone and replaced by the pine scent of my cleaning spray.
Once I let her sleep in the knowledge that she didn’t need to come out, I stepped into my shower. There was a need to wash the salt and ocean from my skin off. Without thinking I turned the tap on, and with a blink of an eye I turned it cold. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand the sensation of heat against my skin. It was too much. The reminder of what we had was too much for me to deal with. I knew it wasn’t going to be safe for me to fall from the path at this time. Only one of us could spiral. And she deserved it more than me… Because I should have known better. I should have known how the world couldn’t accept what happened between us. I knew they all wanted more for him… And still… still I didn’t fight hard enough to stop him from falling into this life that was becoming a nightmare because of me.
Embry had so much more to lose than me…
And still, I didn’t fight this… I should have fought for his reputation!
I was the reason for all this pain… the heart break… and I couldn’t even shed a tear.
I drove… changing my mind twice a minute about whether I was going to my mom’s or back to the sanctuary. I pulled in next to my bike… the sun was coming up. I had decided that if I was okay… I could go home.
That was what okay people did right?
Slept in their own bed, ate in their own kitchen… spoke to their brother slash best friend slash roommate… right? If I did all that then I was okay…
When I walked in, a sleepy Quil was leaning on his doorjamb. ‘Welcome home…’ He offered me a smile. There were no pups here tonight… they would probably give the place a wide berth for a while. That hurt my heart in a whole different way than I have been hurting since… ‘Should I make some coffee or are you going to try and sleep?’ He asked.
I pulled out my phone and checked the time. “I have time to sleep before my run. And please… for the love of the Spirits… no more coffee.”
He laughed and came over; he hugged me and patted my back. ‘We’re running together later so I’m going to sleep too…’ Then prompted by my look he said. ‘The schedules had to be shuffled a bit… The new one is in the group chat.’
I nodded and headed into my room… I stopped in my tracks. There was a pile of neatly folded clothes at the foot of my unmade bed…
‘Shit!’ Quil was scrambling from his room to mine… ‘I forgot to tell you… Jake asked Ness to drop those off for you.’ His shadow fell over me from the door… but all I did was stride forward and reach into the pile for the one I knew was the last piece of clothing I’d seen her in, that morning… my t-shirt… her cooking… the music in the kitchen.
Spirits she was so fucking beautiful.
I lifted it to my nose… not caring that Quil watched as I inhaled the scent of…
I snatched shirt after shirt… shorts, sweats, jeans. Nothing.
My body started to shake… the beast inside couldn’t handle it anymore and he twisted the pain into rage.
‘Embry…. Calm down and fucking talk to me!’ Quil was gripping my shoulders as I vibrated with the strain to keep the wolf inside.
I broke from his hold and opened the Find My Friends app, the map flooded with the boys’ locations. I pinched the map and confirmed that Jake was home, and I burst out of the room.
‘FUCK!!’ Quil was on my heels. I shoved my phone and my mom’s hospital beeper at him. Knowing the burden of them would slow him down. I ran out the back door to the treeline. The moment the early morning shadows swallowed me his paws hit the ground… I spared a brief moment to lament the boots I lost in the transition. I really fucking liked those boots. My head flooded with shocked voices, they hadn’t been expecting me… but I wasn’t here to run lines, I was here to protect the people.
The only desire I had was to protect her… defend her. Defend us. Because we were fucking real… we could not be wiped out of existence by detergent. I blocked them out as best I could. I knew there was a chance that Jake would have a warning by the time I got there; if one of the pups was close enough to his phone to phase and shoot off a text.
The treeline close to the Black’s place always had a small stash of Jake’s clothes. I grabbed a pair of shorts and pulled them on. I knew Quil would be on the way in his car already.
I found Jake at his table, sipping his first coffee of the day. Ness across the table from him. Billy lowered his paper as I entered. I took a breath to calm myself enough that I could be trusted to kiss the top of Nessie’s head.
“Morning Little One. I’m sorry about this.”
‘Oookay!!’ A deep V of confusion between her brows as she turned in her chair.
But I was already in motion, grabbing the front of Jacob’s shirt and yanking him from his chair, slamming him into the fridge… Much like he had done to me once.
‘Jesus fucking Christ!’ Nessie sighed and I heard her shuffling to push Billy out of the kitchen.
‘Embry!’ Jake warned. The shirt still gripped in my fist… I had carried it the whole way here. The shit... The band name splashed across the front and the tour dates down the back. I held it in front of him.
“Who the fuck do you think you are!?” I growled in Jake’s face. His expression was completely neutral.
‘You have ten seconds to remember the answer to that question before I remind you the hard way, Call.’ Jake said, utterly, maddeningly, unperturbed by the fact I had him pinned against his fridge with a floral-scented Bon Jovi t-shirt shoved up under his nose.
“What the fuck did you do? You said you went to her house. Why? To fucking erase me… is that why? Do you think fabric softener is going to make this disappear? You have no fucking—” All the air left my lungs as Jake slammed a flat palm against my ribs, making enough space to grab my arm and spin me, and then the cool tiles connected with my cheek.
‘That was twelve seconds… don’t say I didn’t give you a chance.’ Jake sat on my back.
Fucking sat on me!! Like we did when we wrestled as kids. And like a petulant child, I wriggled to get free. “Fucking Alphahole prick!!”
I only realised I said it out loud when Nessie snort laughed. ‘There’s nothing funny about this, baby.’ Jacob shoved me back down against the tiles.
‘It kinda is though… I told you to mind your own business.’ I heard her settle back at the table and pick up her cup.
‘This is my…’ Jake huffed. ‘If I let you up, are you going to act rationally?’ He was talking to me now.
“Let me up and I’m gonna kick you in the fucking balls!” I grunted trying to free my wrists where he had them pinned against my back.
‘Fucking hell!!’ It was Quil… he’d made good time.
‘Grow the fuck up, Embry.’ He scoffed. ‘Everything I did had a reason. I’m just trying to help you put this shit behind you!’
This shit... This shit!! The growl that escaped me was animalistic.
“You no fucking idea what This shit... even is. You have no Spirit’s damned idea what you have done to her!” I snapped my mouth shut. Fuck! I said too much.
Ness and Quil both held their breath… shocked at this tiny revelation and what it might mean. But they would never understand… not truly. ‘Then tell me, Embry.’ He said. I couldn’t…
I wouldn’t tell him how he had stripped any lingering presence of mine from her home and left Leah and the beautiful soul she carried, beyond alone. Nothing left to hold onto, nothing to wrap themselves in and try for the fitful sleep they were allowed when we weren’t with them. The fact that they only really rested with us there; to keep them present and not world walking with the ancestors. I wouldn’t tell him how she slept in the shirt I had most recently worn on the nights I didn’t spend there. How he didn’t even allow her a single night to feel our very last embrace between her sheets. No… I wouldn’t tell him. I wouldn’t tell him all the things she didn’t know I knew. The things our wolves whispered to one another as we slept.
All the fight left my body. ‘Didn’t think so.’ He released me and climbed off me. I rolled onto my back and Quil was there with a handout to help me up. ‘You should know better than to go up against an Alpha, ‘Bry.’ He shook his head.
I didn’t respond, there was never an intent to harm, just to get my fucking point across. From the way, Billy glared at me from the doorway… and Ness looked at me like I broke her heart… Jake… Jake was… defeated… he looked so… tired… Yeah, my point had completely missed the mark.
‘You really need to evaluate your priorities and your actions, son. One minute you’re asking about tribal enrolment and the next you’re attacking your alpha and future chief?’ Billy’s no-nonsense tone rings out and the boys both look at me.
I rubbed my jaw, where I still felt the phantom touch of the floor tiles. “Yeah… about that. Forget it. It was a stupid idea. I um…” I looked at my brothers. My throat swelling shut. “I was mistakenly under the impression that I mattered here…” I tossed the balled-up shirt at my lifelong friend. “But apparently, there’s nothing about me that can’t be washed away with a spin cycle and a little fabric softener.” I headed for the door.
‘Dammit ‘Bry that’s not…’ Jake started, and I cut him off.
“Don’t, Jake. You wiped me out of her life like I was a stain, Jacob. You made it crystal fucking clear you have no respect for me or the choices I make for my own life. I’ll take my afternoon run… after that, I need a few days… I’m going home. To a place that never tried to wipe my existence clean… no matter how long I stayed away.” I made my way past our Chief. I headed to the front door this time. Knowing that’s where Quil would have left his car… I didn’t want those voices in my head again. Sure enough, his car was there, engine running, driver door; open. Before I got to the passenger side, I heard tiny, too-fast feet behind me, and I turned just in time for her to run into me. She hugged me harder than anything so tiny should be able to.
She said nothing and I hugged Nessie back. The longer the hug lasted the harder it was to hold the floodgates shut and I knew that was what she wanted… for me to let everything pour out and then it would all be better. Normally she would be right. But this was not one of those times, if I let this dam break the torrent would be unstoppable and I couldn’t do that, not to Leah… not to Nessie. She would feel it too deeply and I had already let her down. Let Leah down.
When she realises that it isn’t going to happen, she whispers. ‘I love you.’ And lifts onto her toes to kiss my cheek.
“Love you too, little one,” I reply as Quil makes his way to the car and Ness makes her way back to her soulmate. She would never know how much it meant to me that she was the only person who hadn’t passed judgment… or pried. She just… cared. She saw pain and wanted only to ease it.
It was the constant buzzing coming from my phone that had me walking bare foot, with only a towel wrapped around me through the quite house. Out of habit I left my phone on charge by the front door, because it didn’t matter where in the house it was, I knew it would be heard.
The name flashing up on my screen wasn’t one I expected so I answered without hesitation. My eyes moved to the mirror on the wall, as I brought the cell to my ear, I saw the steam coming off my shoulders where I’d not had the chance to dry myself.
“Hey… Is everything okay?” I asked in a cold tone but pulled it back at the last minute.
‘Leah? Oh… Yeah… Yeah… Uhm…’ My frown deepened, I saw the clenched jaw in my reflection, making me open my mouth and close it. Waiting patiently, with that knowledge, people found it intimidating to talk with me at the best of times. But a small part in the back of my mind thought we had made some progress on it. Then again… Maybe not.
‘Leah, are you there?’ The voice asked again.
“Hmm… Just waiting for you to find your words.” I replied.
‘Oh, yeah. Sorry.’ I sighed deeply.
“What can I do for you, Nerd?” I asked calmly.
Something in the tone of my voice, with the use of her nickname seemed to judder her out of her lost mind. There was a background sound of a door closing before she cleared her throat to speak.
‘Leah, please could I ask you to stop by the practice sometime this week? I’m looking forward to completing the tests on your blood work for Dr Cullen. There’s no rush. Whenever you have a moment to stop by.’
My dark eyes were still locked onto my reflection staring back at me in the mirror. Did I want to do this? No. But would I. Yes. Since the Nerd found out about our world, she’d been working closely with Carlisle and Edward to learn as much as she could to try and help the packs in a time of need. It wasn’t as though we could walk into a doctor’s practice or rez clinic with broken bones.
Check the time on my phone before answering. “I know it’s still early. But could we do it now? I can be at the practice in ten.”
‘Yes, that would be perfect, I’m just leaving home too. However, please do not change your plans for this.’ After reassuring her it wasn’t a problem we ended the call, so that I could get dressed and leave home too.
The first scent to hit me when stepping into practice was that of fear, followed by illness, and then of the tall 5’10 vet walking in my direction.
‘Thank you for coming so early.’ She smiled pushing the rim of her glasses up her nose.
“It’s all good.” Saying it as I pushed my hands into the pockets of my jacket, searching her eyes for… I wasn’t sure what. Did she know about what had happened? Did she ask me here for some other reason other than to give her a testing sample of blood? I could help myself. But I saw nothing on her face.
‘It’s actually a good time to do this. Jess isn’t due in for an hour, so it’s just us and frosty here.’ Pointing to the door over her shoulder.
“Frosty?” questioning with a perfectly raised eyebrow.
‘Yes. Frosty the hamster is in the back. I came in early to feed and give her some company.” She smiled big while walking me into the practice. I didn’t feel the need to ask anything more.
One of the things I liked about the nerd was that she didn’t have the need to fill silence. She was fine with going with the flow, with the ability to read the room. The spirits knew how right now, I didn’t want to be around anyone if I could help it.
Giving blood didn’t take long, however the nerd got herself excited and asked if I would do a few more tests for her. Anyone else, and I’d be gone. But for this one. I just nodded my head letting her get on with it. Once she was done, the vet told me to stay put until she could see if she had taken enough blood. Who was I to argue with her? Her soul was too kind for me to give her my back off look.
Sitting on the table I knew wasn’t meant to be used by humans, I found myself smirking internally speaking to my Warrior. “If Rose could see us now. The blonde would die laughing.” The words were for her, but she hadn’t come out of her hiding other than to keep our journey down here in her overview.
“She’d have about a million dog jokes ready to use. Until… She sees my face that is.” Rose had a reputation of being the coldest of the Cullens. I knew too well how easy it was to live up to what was expected. Spirits I’d been living the same life before my warrior. But we’d found peace with each other, if nothing else for the fact her husband and I had found a friendship. Meaning we’d grown to appreciate each other over time.
‘Okay, I think I have everything I need for my call with Dr. Cullen tonight.’ Her eyes glimmered, her cheeks rosy, with the most innocent smile on her lips, as she pushed the rim of her glasses up her nose. A flash… a glimpse of her came to me while I sat here of how the pup saw and felt towards her. And it made my heart feel… I wasn’t sure what the feeling was. But I knew it was a good thing.
“Alright then… I’ll leave you to it.” Stepping down from the metal table, rolling the sleeve of my button down free.
‘Why don’t you stay for a coffee? Jess will be here soon with some delicious offerings from the bakery.’ Her offer didn’t come from wanting anything. Nothing more than wanting to share her breakfast with me.
Before I could reply I scented the young Clearwater, hearing the main door of the practice opening. My cousin came in like a whirlwind of cheer, and goodness. Her surprise as she saw me in her workplace was soon pushed to the side when the Nerd told her I’d be joining them for breakfast.
Could I leave? Yeah… Could I have hidden away from the world for another day?
Yeah, I could. But… The two pure souls thinking they were dragging me into the back kitchenette with them were able to bring my warrior out of hiding. Her eyes were open, she listened to the two women laughing, joking, teasing, and sharing a life outside of the two packs. I couldn’t take her away from the first sign of willingness she showed since the pup had been around us on our run last night.
So, I sat back in the chair they offered me, made the correct sounds, at the correct times, and let them give me and my warrior a much-needed reminder of how some humans could be the height of kindness. These two people in our life didn’t know how much it meant to me to feel my soul breathing again, even if it was just for fleeting moments. Because soon enough the two of us would need to re-face the hole in our chest.
Rage, anger, bitterness, general sense of fuck-right-off-ness…. I was all these things.
Or… I wished I was… but honestly? I was hollow, exhausted… the minute we turned off Jacob’s Street all I could think about was how incredibly disappointed Leah would be when she heard about this. I buried my face in my hands for a while. Quil drove silently until I leaned back against the headrest.
‘That was a really shitty thing you did ‘Bry.’ He said, but there was no animosity in his tone.
“Jake will get over it… maybe next time he’ll think twice before violating someone's space—” I was cut off.
‘The Jake thing was just stupid.’ He let out a dark chuckle and made a turn that wasn’t heading home… I didn’t even care. He reached into his pocket and pulled out Mom’s beeper. ‘Using Momma T to manipulate me like that… that was crossing a line.’
I could have said I hadn’t meant it that way, I was too angry to think straight. That my temper flared and got the better of me… It didn’t happen much these days so on the rare occasion that I did I was granted the benefit of the doubt.
“I know,” I said instead. I didn’t say I was sorry… it wasn’t how we rolled. “It won’t happen again.”
‘If it does… you’ll be the one getting kicked in the balls.’ He said… but again there was no sharpness. I took the beeper and my phone. There was a text from Seth that I swiped to delete before reading it… I knew myself too well to believe I would just ignore it if it stayed there unread. ‘I’m going to get a real coffee… do you want one? Or are you going to try and sleep for a few hours?’ it was daylight now… or what passed for daylight for La Push this time of the year.
Sleep… fuck? How do I even try to do that? Even when Leah was right next to me, she was in my dreams… my deeply vivid dreams. I couldn’t take that, getting lost in the memory of her… and waking up alone… I had done it before of course… but she was still… I was… we were…
“I don’t think I’ll have time. I want to pack a bag before I leave after our shift.” I told him… “So yeah... a coffee would be great.”
Quil sighed. ‘Embry…’ He shook his head. Then he seemed to rethink what he was going to say. He pulled up outside the café, Jessica Clearwater waved at us cheerfully, pulling out as we arrived. There was no way to know if she’d heard the news… she’d still have been friendly and enthusiastic even if she had.
‘You coming?’ Quil asked, pushing his door open wide. He looked down at my bare chest… ‘On second thought… I’ll get this to go.’ He chuckled. ‘Should we split the bill?’ He teased.
“Sorry, I left my wallet in my own pants.” I smiled… but it felt… forced. He tapped the roof of his car and then headed inside. I just awkwardly scrolled through my phone -which was awkward because- I had exactly zero social media apps. But a message came in from Nessie.
[I know you fell like you need to right now… and if it’s what you chose to do, I get it. But… I really hope you don’t. If you do… come back soon.]
Back home we tried to act like it was a normal day. We drank our coffee, and he asked about work… I filled the conversation in with the story about the fire Marshall. Quil didn’t make any jokes about checking a firefighter off my list… There wasn’t a list, but it was one of his usual teases. Quil wasn’t working so he cleaned the house for the few hours we had to kill before our patrol… and honestly… even though I was sure the shift change was something to do with last night… I was glad that it meant I would be on the first run after all of this with Quil. As I was taking out the laundry, I had busied myself with, out of the machine. I froze… What if…
I cleared my throat… to get Quil’s attention over the Twitch stream he had playing for background noise… I just couldn't face music right now.
It was weird, but was sure it would pass. Right?
“Um… the shift change… is… uh… is… Seth—”
‘No.’ He cut me off. ‘I figured that was part of why things were changed… to give you both time to figure out… well… everything.’ I audibly sighed with relief and the sensation was compounded by the fact that Quil just grabbed the vacuum cleaner from the closet and continued his normal routine. One I knew would piss him off when he had to cut it short. I separated the laundry, threw the dryer-friendly stuff back into the washer-dryer and headed out to the back porch to hang up the rest; where it would be sheltered if it rained.
Getting away from the noise of the motor, the gunshot sound effects and worst of all the
‘Duuuuude!!!! Aw man!’ and ‘Did you see that dude totes explode?’ Commentary was once again a relief. But there was still this constant sense of… something weighing me down. I knew what it was… but I didn’t think I had any words for it. The near-constant effort to keep my wolf’s anger at bay was exhausting. I hadn’t felt like this since… well since I had no idea there was a Spirit Warrior inside me, raging to be free.
The time came for us to head out for a run. Because we were home, no one expected me to be at the clearing beforehand. One of the Pups that wasn’t on shift came to grab the beeper and my phone before we left. I hadn’t even thought to make any arrangements. But Quil had texted him and asked if he could drop it off at Rachel’s for me. No other conversation happened at the door…but the tone was sombre.
I couldn’t stand this… everything was strained. It was awkward and awful… and was all my fucking fault!
As soon as the dryer was finished, I packed a weekend bag, though I was starting to waver on the idea of going away for a day or two. After we ate some take-out leftovers, we headed to the treeline for the back of the house. And it was there… I froze. When I passed earlier, I was fuelled by anger. And now? Now I was just so fucking drained. ‘’Bry… it’s going to be okay.’ Then he shrugged. ‘Well… it's going to be shit. But just think about it… this is going to be the worst of it, once you do this. Then you never have to take your first run after everything came out ever again.’ Quil patted my shoulder. I just rolled my eyes at that. Because he was wrong… some runs were going to be worse than this.
‘You don’t agree?’ He asked quirking a brow, obviously having read my expression. ‘You mean when you run with Leah?’ He asked.
“That’s the only run that I know I can make it through.” I knew I could… because Leah and I? There was nothing we couldn’t work out. I knew… even if we couldn’t work out. I knew… even if we couldn’t communicate, we would learn how to navigate that together. “But Seth… Sam… the pups I think I can deal with… but…” I shook my head. “Let’s just get this over with. But I see that my admission about Leah had his head spinning and again I cursed myself because I’d said too much. He wouldn’t be able to keep from thinking about what that meant while he was in the hive mind. I couldn’t be selfish enough to keep it to myself.
I stripped amongst the tattered remains of the shorts and shoes I had exploded out of earlier and promised the ancestors that I would clean up every scrape when I returned at the end of my shift. Then Quil and I gave each other the space to phase.
My wolf burst forward wanting to release all his anger and resentment and I had to fight to keep him from spuing all that pent-up emotion into the hive mind. It wasn’t fair on the Warriors that had nothing to do with this.
‘Oh, please you totally thought he was going to blow us off.’
‘I mean… couldn’t blame him.’
‘I wonder what Leah is like in—’
A yelp that I could only hear through the bond echoed in my head.
‘That’s enough!’ It was Jake because of course it was Jake! ‘You and I are going to lap the entire tribal line for that comment… if you fall behind, you’ll be taking an extra shift this week.’
He was making the pup pay for his disrespect… these kids couldn’t control their thoughts sometimes. Not that I was making excuses… they could… they should, and they needed to learn. I secretly hated that I agreed with Jake.
‘Embry, where are you going? Hold ground until handover and assignments.’ Jake sent the thought in my direction.
That was when I skipped to a stop… I had been running full pelt in the direction of the pup that had that inappropriate thought! To do what? What the fuck was wrong with me. My wolf snarled as we waited for orders.
Running on autopilot wasn’t a concept I usually lead with, but it was hard not to let my mind move without letting my memories dig into my thoughts. Just another reminder of how life had evolved over time.
All the doors and windows of the bar were wide open, the smells of the heavy drinking from the night before dissipating slowly as I got to work. Even though I’d made it clear to the guys not to close or set up for the next day, they had done most all of what was needed giving me a head start. The list on the tasks to be completed had the first few checked off in my head before I’d rolled the sleeves of my button down up, and the rest I moved through in complete silence.
Working in the bar became second nature years ago. It had been my hide away from the rez and the bull shit I didn’t want to spend time concentrating on. But now it felt as though part of the evolution I’d only moments ago patted myself on the back for… Well… it was falling a little short.
When the sounds of wheels came from outside, I dared to glance up at the clock over the door in the office. The morning had gone by without realisation, the tasks and work I found as I went about my day achieving exactly what I needed it to, that was until I heard the door of the vehicle open and close followed by the sound of footsteps across the pebbled shingle.
“By the Spirits.” The groan escaping as I dropped the invoices on the desk before me, leant back in the chair, eyes rolling to the ceiling. This was the last thing I needed to deal with. But I had to acknowledge on the other hand, it had taken longer than I’d planned for.
The footsteps came in through the front doors of the bar, which in hindsight, I could and should have locked before coming to work in the office.
The scent changed around me, as I heard feet working their way around the bar, sounds of bottles moving, glasses… the ice chest opening and closing… “What the—” I started before the loud voice broke my peace.
‘I don’t give a shit how long you make me wait Leah Clearwater. I will wait.’ I knew it was true. Even as I closed my eyes. Readied myself by putting every wall up, locking myself down tight before making my way to the front of bar.
Leaning on the door frame, arms crossed over my chest, I stood taking in the scene before me.
“Why don’t you help yourself to my personal bottle of Woodford.” My voice was flippant and off handed. Until the dark eyes narrowed and locked on to mine.
‘The Fuck I will. Be thankful I didn’t come in guns blazing Clearwater.’ This made me arch my eyebrow. ‘And don’t give me that righteous eye brown thing you do. You don’t have a fucking leg to stand on right now.’
Without replying, I broke my gaze to look down to both my legs under me, one foot curled around an ankle before glancing up again. ‘Fuck off! You know what I mean.’
Letting out a deep sigh, one hand moving across my face in the attempt to wipe away the weariness that had been trying it’s best to drown me. “What do you want? The bar is closed, and you know it is. Don’t you have a job or anything better going on?”
‘You know I do.’ My eyes followed the movement of hands, one pouring out a double finger of my Woodford, and the other waving in the air. ‘But Here I am. Fuck me. I had to hear it from the link tree of the pups?’
“Rachel…” A warning sounded from my lips, but it was lost when I saw her hand move to her bag on the bar top. She took out Ms. C’s beeper and set it down next to the glass of bourbon. My over heated blood didn’t run cold. My mind didn’t blank. Seeing the small device here shouldn’t have sent my heart racing. It shouldn't have brought back memories of nights it had lived on the table beside my bed. The times I took it from Embry, so that he knew someone else would take the weight for a short amount of time so that he could sleep.
‘How many times did I ask you. I even set you up with some nice guys…’
She’d been speaking, I wasn’t sure how long for. I didn’t even care what she was saying. All I saw / heard where the last words he’d said to me that morning. The mornings before. That feeling…. The one where I felt whole that I didn’t even know I was missing.
‘But Embry? Really? Did you even think what it would mean?’
She was waving her hands in the air now, but still, I didn’t hear her. I knew why Rachel had the device. He was on his run. She was the person he’d trusted his mom’s medical needs for today. But why did she take it out in front of me and set it down like this?
‘Why the fuck did you do it?’ That question pulled me back to the now. With my eyes narrowed before I did something stupid, I ground my teeth making her stop a rant and rampage.
“Why in the name of the spirits do you think I would be willing to answer to you Rach? I didn’t ask for your help. I didn’t ask for anyone fucking one’s help. I didn’t need your help for a date. You did that all by yourself. Fuck.” I was standing upright now. “I remember vividly telling you to mind your own fucking business several times.” There were no bites in my words, I wasn’t even showing her any of the anger bubbling deep in my chest.
‘No… You just thought it was a good idea to repeat a past mistake with Sam, by fucking Embry Call, and fuck with the pack dynamics again?’ As soon as the words came out of her lips Rachel sucked in a breath. Her hands shot up to cover her mouth. ‘Shit... Leah… I didn’t mean…’
Holding my hand up my eyes never leaving hers. “No… Rachel… You did. Now if you are Done. You know where the door is. I got your message loud and clear. I fucked up the pack. I am the fucking replaceable one. I need to remember my place. Born to sacrifice for the good of the pack and the tribe. I GOT IT. Now Leave!”
Her eyes filled with tears; the rims red as they flowed down her cheeks. The protector in me died at the reality that my words hurt an imprint, and that I needed to fix this. I needed to take her pain away. Not become the reason for it. And yet I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. Because I was holding on by the skin of my teeth too.
Jake put me on the central line… meaning I was literally penned in on all sides by the pack. But I did as I was told… like a good little soldier. Quil stayed on my right shoulder the entire run and I could tell he was trying to keep his thoughts to himself. He was conflicted, puzzling out what I had said even though he was trying really hard not to.
Jake seemed to be keeping the incident from the kitchen to himself for now.
‘Are you all just gonna pretend that nothing happened?’ One of the guys thought. And it set off a chorus of:
‘This is all so fucked up.’
That one had a snarl ripping out of my chest. “I’m NOT Sam!”
‘CALL!’ Jake put me in my place. ‘Everyone needs to focus on their tasks. So, let’s get this out there. Yes. Embry and Leah had an inappropriate relationship and it’s—’
I scoffed, barking a wolfy laugh. “Don’t be such a little bitch Jacob.” Shock rippled through the hive. “We’re both adults and neither of us is one to be pressured into something we don’t want to do. So, let’s shut that bullshit down right now.”
‘That’s coming from the guy that slept with a married woman twice his age and had no idea?’ I had been so focused on Jake that I had no clue where that thought came from.
‘Wait that’s true too?’ A young pup echoed.
‘Shut up!’ Jake’s alpha voice barrelled through us all. ‘This is over! I am your alpha; I will deal with any and all rule breaks in this pack.’
I laughed again and Quil joined me this time. “What rules, Jake? This isn’t the damn military! We lie… to everyone all the fucking time, we sneak out, we ditch work, and family. We avoid relationships and human contact in case people notice that we have a constant fever hot enough to kill a person. We exist in fucking hiding, Jacob. Only a select few of us get to experience a genuinely open and honest relationship…and the FUCKING second, we find that; we bring one more person into the secret who must spend the rest of their lives lying to the people they love the most too. So please, great fucking Alpha, enlighten us on what the rules are for our society of lies and deceit?’ Because I for one am just dying to know!”
‘We are protecting the secret of the Pack, Embry. Suddenly, you’ve had an attack of conscience. You want to go public. You want to tell your mom after all these years.’ Jake scoffed.
I just laughed again. “I know damn well what we are doing, Jake. I never forgot. But let’s not get high and righteous about morality and code of conduct without remembering who the fuck we are… Do you want honesty while demanding lies? Well, guess what… I don’t give a fuck if your bloodline makes you better than me, you can’t have both. So, choose; do you want your pack of liars, or do you want the complete truth all the time?” The hypocrisy was so fucking deep that it cut like a blade, and I felt it slice through the pack. I felt their guilt. I felt the sorrow of the kids who returned home to crying mothers who had discovered empty beds in the middle of the night, the weight of failed relationships, and the epidemic of loneliness that most of these boys and men faced. The hopelessness in some and the hope in others.
This life was a blessing and curse, but there wasn’t a single person here that I would begrudge any secret that brought them joy or peace, or even just some fucking carefree fun and laughs. What the fuck was wrong with that?
Not a Spirit’s damned thing.
“So, Jake wants this addressed… here it is. These are the facts of the situation.” There was a collective intake of breath. “This is none of your fucking business. It has nothing to do with the pack, it’s a private matter. Seth Clearwater violated the privacy and the trust of his sister and of someone he used to call a friend, which has unfairly put this issue in your heads and your hearts. No one was lied to, and no one was negatively impacted by anything Leah, or I did. This is not the fallout of anything Leah or I did, this is the fallout of the poor choices that Seth made.” I paused.
“Honestly… I’m disappointed. I won’t speak for Leah, but I am disappointed that you don’t have a single ounce of grace among any of you. I have given all of you, everything; the pack, the tribe. I gave you all my home, my time. I have sat in hospitals when your families were ill… I have been to every single funeral. I’ve never forgotten a birthday or the anniversary of a family pet. I have sat up till four in the morning helping with study sessions, or just to be there. I’m allowed to have something private, we all are… Leah too. I don’t owe any of you anything. Why are you all so angry? This Happened to me and Leah… not any of you. What makes you think you have any stake in this?” I didn’t wait for answers, I didn’t want any. “This isn’t about any of you. You are not entitled to ask us for anything we don’t want to freely offer. Now… can we all stay in our fucking lanes and get back to work?”
Mind replaying the look on Rachel’s face, the despair prominent as she left the bar on those short legs of hers. I couldn’t shift the promises I’d made and broken today in the way I’d spoken to her.
By the time Char arrived to start his shift, I’d off loaded today’s delivery with the hatch of the basement opened, I’d been carrying the boxes and cases of supplies down. He’d seen something in my demeaner warning him to keep his distance, more for my good than his. But finally, he began speaking. I didn’t know Char as well as the others knew him, and I knew this was on me more than his actions. He wasn’t as talkative as his boyfriend, which meant the two of us enjoyed our time together knowing it would be spent in peace.
‘So…’ Finally, I turned to face him as he spoke before continuing with work. ‘Did you know about the spot check we had?’ I didn’t, but I didn’t need to ask as Char went on. ‘Mac told us that there may be a spot check from the Fire Marshall, which as you know wouldn’t have been an issue, we run a tight ship here. However, it was nice of your friend Embry to tell us they were working in the area.’
Okay… so now Char really had my full attention. I froze mid-way in opening a case of beers to refill. “Wait… Embry gave the heads up?” Something that didn’t shock me. Of course, Embry wouldn’t change the way he treated people. He wouldn’t not share key information like this… He didn’t have it in him. The man was selfless.
‘Yeah, Firefighter Adams. You’d have liked her Leah. She was on the ball. Did her job, asked clear and intelligent questions. Asked to see the bar, the office, and the doors. Checked to make sure we were up to code and left.’ Char was putting up some new posts on the walls.
“Firefighter Adams.” Repeating the name, not one I knew. “Is she new? I don’t think she’s visited here before.” I asked getting back to work.
‘Yeah, by the looks of it, Mac got chatting with her as they walked out. He’ll know more about her.’ He added. ‘It’s time for you to go now, isn’t it?’ He tapped his wrist, which made me half smirk. Because Char didn’t wear a watch. Ever! But he wasn’t wrong. Soon Seth would be going on his run, and then he’d be here with Char and Mac for opening.
I should have gone home; the problem was that home didn’t feel the same right now. Every wall, surface, cushions and more all shouted out memories I didn’t want us to face. Then again… would it have been better than sitting here in the diner for my meal where people’s eyes were on me. I reminded her that they weren’t all aware of the situation, even though we felt as though they were burrowing into my flesh. Some would call it paranoia. We both knew it was just how the tribe liked to find something to talk about.
‘Here you go, Lee. Is there anything else I can get you?’ Gemma asked setting a plate down before me, with some cutlery, ketchup and a bottle of mayo.
“No, that’s all thanks Gem.” Giving her a half smirk. “Hey, how’s the pup doing with you?” Asking after the little dog she’d rescued from the dumpster behind the diner.
Gemma smile grew ten folds, as she rested her hip on the booth opposite me, watching me pick up the bottle of Mayo and ketchup to mix the two together on the side of my plate. ‘Nugget? He is amazing. The little man had a hard start. However, to see him now. You really couldn’t tell.’ She gushed.
“That’s got more to do with you, and some to do with him… but definitely more you... You know that right?” Her eyes drifted as she contemplated what I said, so I continued to speak. “You gave him a place to call home. A place where he wasn’t alone. A safe place to grow, to flourish, to be himself. So… If he is thriving. It’s on you.” Pointing my chin towards her as I spoke.
Gemma’s eyes glistened, she stepped forward with her arms lifting before remembering who I was, then her arms dropped into the pocket of her apron. ‘Thank you, Leah. You don’t know how much I needed to hear this today.’ Glancing over her shoulder as the bell sounded over the door of the diner. ‘Shout if you need anything else, okay?’
“Okay.” I repeated thinking to myself… I did have it in me to take someone else’s needs in consideration. But how I’d messed up with an imprint. “By the Spirits.” Looking down at the fries on my plate. My stomach filled with rocks.
The rest of the run was silent and awkward as fuck. Part of me didn’t regret a single thing I said, and the other part hated myself for saying too much again and again! It seemed like the second the shit hit the fan I was just betraying Leah’s trust over and over.
This fucking torrent I was living in was non-stop… the shit storm of emotions was harder to deal with than my first phase… this… felt… endless. Like I would spend the rest of my life missing the nearness of her.
And it was all my fucking fault!
I was so quick to blame Seth… but it wasn't all him. He was just a tool the Spirit’s used to humble me, punishing Leah alongside me for no good reason. I sent a prayer out to anyone who would listen! Thinking; Please, fucking please!! Great Wolf, Ancestors, Creators… please don’t let her suffer like I am. Please.
The end of the shift came after about twenty hours of patrol in deafening silence. A few of Sam’s pups began to pop into the map that played constantly in my head when my wolf was connected to the hive mind. Brady's head was busy with… worry… empathy… guilt?
Before I knew it, he was at my side, brushing the shaggy grey shoulder of his white and grey wolf against mine. ‘I’m sorry, Embry.’ His thoughts popped into the map that played constantly in my head when my wolf was connected to the hive mind. Brady's head was busy with… worry… empathy… guilt? He thought openly to the members of both packs. ‘I should have left last night when I knew what was happening… but I didn’t… not until…’ His wolf chuffed a sigh. ‘Not until it was too late. I’m really sorry.’
I tilted my eyes to the mossy forest floor, and after a beat, I nodded. “You were the first one to walk away, Fuller. Thank you.” I replied, and the kid dropped it.
Then I felt him… the wild flash as his mind joined the pack. “Why the fuck is Seth running with the Uley Pack?” I hadn’t meant to put the thought out into the hive.
‘I put him with Sam for a few runs until you can both get over this.’ Jake said.
I snapped my teeth in his direction, even though he was two point three miles away right now. The effect rippled through the pack… or packs.
‘You can’t avoid me forever, Bry. You can ignore my texts as much as you want, but you can’t avoid patrols.’ Seth was still fucking angry! Like I was the one who had done something wrong. What the actual fuck!?
“Oh, it wasn’t ignored, it was deleted before it was opened. I have no interest in anything you have to say.” I quipped back, my soul aching at the spot where he had severed the limb that was our friendship… our brotherhood… our fucking lifetime of trust and loyalty. It was a cut I wasn’t sure would ever heal.
‘You’re a fucking child sometimes, you know that?’ Seth huffed.
“I’m the child? I’m the fucking child when you turned over your sister’s bedroom like a snooping teenager. After you threw a fucking tantrum in front of the entire pack because… what? You think you have some sort of authority over your sister’s love life? Are you serious?”
Seth was coming into view from the trees now, heading for me like he might attack… But I was in his head. He was just showboating.
‘Stop it right now!’ Jake snapped. It wasn’t an order. Not yet at least. Leah’s brother skidded to a stop in front of me.
‘Love life?’ He scoffed. ‘Oh, please! Like you even…’
‘Stop talking, Clearwater. Now!’ Jake was using his alpha voice now. Seth’s mental tirade cut off, and Seth’s rage was split… splintered between Jake and me… but when he looked at me… it was like he hated me.
Jake ordered Quil and I to head off, and he would handle the handover. He didn’t need to tell me twice. I had nothing at all to say to the man who had ruined my life. The wave of shock rippled through the pack.
Shit! I needed to get a handle on my emotions.
As my best friend and I dressed and gathered up the scraps of my clothing from my explosion earlier, he turned to me and sighed. ‘What did you mean earlier?’ He asked like I was privy to whatever his train of thought was. I looked at him, confused.
‘I know you don’t want to talk about it… and I’ve tried not to pry… but…’
He was talking about that slip about ruining my life… but I had no way to explain that away without telling a bold-faced lie. “Nothing… I’m just… It’s just…”
‘I know.’ Quil hung his head. ‘But it’s not your fault, Embry… you can’t take the blame for Seth reacting badly.’
“Oh!” I paused. Oh! That was what he meant. “Um… yeah… well Seth will need to deal with his own shit but… I played a role in this, too. It’s hard to explain. But this is my fault also.”
I watched his throat bob, and he examined the ground, but he wasn’t looking for pieces of shredded shorts anymore. I sighed. “I um…” I cleared my throat. I cracked and told him. “The… morning of the car wash. I knew it was important to her so… I...” My throat was tight. “I tried not to disrupt her morning routine… so that everything would run on the schedule she had in her head. I kept telling myself that… it was fine, that we had all the time in the world and that we would be alone again soon and we… I just.” My eyes stung now. “I broke a promise… to never take it… take her for granted and now…” slowly wondering through the trees.
‘You think you're being punished?’ There was pain in his tone.
“I know I am Brother… and the worst part is… I’m not the only one. I’m the one who should pay this price. No one else.”
I pulled up outside the boy’s hideout… I flipped the visor down, dabbed my fingers under my eyes, making sure my mascara was still in place, and I fixed my smile on my face. If Leah needed to vent whatever this bullshit was, like this… then fine. I could take one for the team. I bet she was already feeling guilty anyway.
I headed up to the door, which I knew would be unlocked even though no one was home, clutching my purse that contained precious cargo. They really needed to start locking this door… I stepped inside… WOW! This place was… clean… Quil must be really stressed out. Well, apart from the crack in the wall and the speaker… I was sure used to be attached to that same wall, leaning against a bookshelf with sagging shelves filled with everything but books.
An unfamiliar ringtone chimed from my bag, and I set it on the newly added table in the main room of Quil and Embry’s house and dug out the phone. It was an unsaved number. Oh no! The hospital? A doctor?
I rolled my eyes, no… probably one of his side chicks. Yet another reason this whole thing was ridiculous. “Hello,” I answer, not bothering to announce whose phone I was answering… let her think she was calling a guy with a girlfriend. I mean, she kinda was, so…
‘Oh… sorry.’ The thought was cut off by a male voice. ‘I think I have the wrong number.’
“Are you looking for Embry? I can take a message, he should be back any minute.” I asked.
‘Oh… thanks. Yeah, we were just wondering if he was still going to meet us at the community centre in the morning?’
My brow furrowed, and he clarified that Embry promised to teach them to lift weights if they helped at the car wash. I smiled. ‘I’ll have him text you, but I’m sure he’ll be there. He never breaks his promises.’
I hung up and smiled. “Well… that’s going to put a dampener on his little plan to run away.” And the back door opened and in he walked… Perfect. That means he heard everything.
By the fucking creator! Everyone was so damn angry… was it always like this for the warriors that hadn’t imprinted… I don’t remember any other pack member or pup taking this much shit from anyone over a relationship. After Rachel gave Embry the phone and his mom’s beeper, she left, dissatisfied with Embry's lack of answers.
I knew Embry was pissed he’d forgotten the promise that he made to the kids. He had already packed a bag to go visit Neah Bay. But I was secretly glad… maybe it would make him think it through before he left. I had no idea where it came from… but I was worried that if he left, he might stay gone longer than he was talking about.
As soon as he went to his room, I heard him shuffling through songs before I heard a clatter like he’d just chucked his phone, and the room went silent. Music was his life, and now he couldn’t listen to it.
[Can we talk? Just me and you… please? No Lectures, I promise.]
This was the first message in my thread with Leah alone that wasn’t about Claire, and the last one in it was months ago. I hit send and followed up quickly.
[I’ll understand if you say no.]
I sat on my bike, one foot on the ground and the other on the side of him as I watched Quil pacing before me. Of course I’d agreed to meet him. I knew it was coming, and after the day I’d had, why in the name of the spirits wouldn’t I just make it a home run with the number of people coming at me.
Quil had asked if I could meet him at the back of the store, he had to come into work to cover a shift, so this was the best place for us to meet. Maybe he’d hoped that it would give us some form of privacy, or maybe it was for his convenience. I didn’t give a crap at this point. But when I saw him… There was something in the way his eyes widened when he arrived to find me here. As though he hadn’t expected to see me. But he knew me… If I said I’d do something… I saw it through.
He stopped in front of me now, his jaw working, I could see the words in his eyes, but they just weren’t making it out of his mouth. I knew I could make it easy on him, give him a bone per say. But what would it achieve?
‘Look, Leah…’ FINALLY Words…. The thought came so fast and out of nowhere that she laughed.
‘For someone who hates words, you seem a little too eager to hear his.’ If only she could see past her pain and discomfort. This was the last place I wanted to be. But I had to face what I had caused.
‘I’m not going to sit… well… stand… here and pretend like Embry isn’t the reason I’m here…’ Of course, Embry was the reason he’d reached out. Why would he think I would think otherwise?
‘And I promised you… that I wouldn’t ask you anything you might not want to answer.’
‘Sure… sure… I don’t believe him.’ She scoffed.
‘So…’ Quil continued. ‘I’m just going to say this.’ he took a deep breath. ‘Listen… I remember the sounds of my best friend… my brother, sleeping more soundly than he had since the first night his mother spent in the hospital these past months….’ He combed his fingers through his hair.
‘And it’s the most like him he has been in years… until last night that is.’ This part hit her and me hard, Last night? Had it only been one night? One misplayed step brought us here? I pulled myself back into the moment. To listen to Quil tell me how I messed up his best friend… his brother.
‘The way he acted today.’ He continued.
“What do you mean, what way did he act today?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking, My eyebrows pulled together in a frown, but I knew I messed up the moment Quil tilted his head and watched me closely. “What happened to Embry?” I asked
He started to pace again considering his options. It took him another few moments before he told me how Embry faced off with Jake at his house, how the Pack has reacted, but more so how Embry had responded. He’d pushed back… on his alpha… on the pack… What in the Name of the Spirits had made him do that? I knew… Of course, I knew! But we had made the rules of engagement clear from the start… Nothing we did would impact the pack… Rule Two… He knew it…
Rule 2. The pack is second only to family. We will never leave our packs blind-sighted by not showing up. Never put our needs before them and the people we were born to protect.
‘Leah?’ Quil was standing in front of me again, looking at me like he never had before. ‘There is something different about the two of you… He… well… and you…. Your…’ He couldn’t find his words again.
“I’ll fix it… I will make it go back to the way things were. I get it now… I messed up… I’m going to fix it.” I found the words. I knew it before; however, Embry had made me forget it… to think there was more to my being here. When the truth was… I was only a guide who shouldn’t have stepped out of her place. The spirits needed him to see them, and I should have helped and walked away. I didn’t… and now he was fighting with his pack brothers.
‘That’s your takeaway from this? From everything I’ve told you?’ He looked perplexed. ‘Spirits Leah Clearwater, nope… not what I am saying.’
“To be honest, Quil. I have no idea what it is you want from me.” Being as real with him as I was willing to be.
‘Listen…. If what you…. and he… Embry I mean… if you both had… whatever you want to call it or not call it… If it gave you as much peace and happiness as it gave him… Then I think you’re both fools for letting anyone else take it away.’
Okay… I didn’t see this coming. I wasn’t even sure I heard him correctly.
‘Oh, you heard him clearly… what’s the catch?’ She huffed.
Now wasn’t the time for her to give me attitude!
‘But,’ His eyes darkened now. ‘If it didn’t give you the same peace and happiness… then… of course, you shouldn’t…” he sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. ‘Spirits, Leah… I’m not Embry… I cannot phrase this like him… But… I guess what I’m saying is…. Please… do what will make you the happiest.’ He clasped both his hands together as if he were sitting in prayer.
‘I know this wasn’t one-sided…. It couldn’t be… Not with the things I’ve witnessed in the past months, and over the last twenty-four hours.’ What had Quil witnessed that made him so sure? How and what had he seen?
‘And I will tell you something Leah for free… What makes you happiest…. Isn’t always what's easy, I know this more than anyone else in this pack... Because every time Claire goes home, I’m terrified that she’ll get hurt… or bullied, get her heart broken. But at the same time, I’m so happy because she loves school, she loves her parents, the drama club, and her friends.’
“She is your imprint… We aren’t—” I couldn’t finish that sentence… I didn’t know why… But I just couldn’t say out loud what I’d been trying to not see for some time now.
‘I know… But you don’t need to imprint to know that feeling…’ His eyes were pleading with me to understand.
‘Just… Well… Just remember… Everyone says that the best thing isn’t the easiest thing, and sometimes that’s true. But in this case… it doesn’t have to be. Because I’ve been watching all of this unfold… since long before Seth made his announcement. I believe that if you do what makes you the happiest, everyone wins. Even if a few feathers get ruffled for a while. But since when have you ever cared about anyone else’s feathers when you’re doing what you know is right?’
Was it right? Once I believed in myself, but now…
‘He is going to leave Leah….’ Quil’s voice broke as he closed his eyes. ‘He is going to leave and I’m afraid… I… I know it’s a little selfish of me… But I can’t lose my brother like this.’
“What do you mean he is leaving?” Frowning I pushed up off my baby.
‘He is leaving to go to Neah Bay… and I’m afraid if he goes… he won’t come back.’
She shuddered at this information. And I froze, had I pushed him to leave? I’d made this happen? But Quil kept speaking. ‘You know he has a home there.’ Nodding my head in reply, because I knew that his grandparents… they’d left their place to Embry. ‘The way he feels about everything, everyone here… There is nothing holding him down to La Push right now.’
Those word stung like a knife to my heart…
‘There is nothing holding him to La Push right now.’
It didn’t take me long after Quil left for work to pack up the bag I was planning on taking to Neah Bay in the Jeep. Set out a TV dinner to defrost for Quil for when he came home and get the hell out of that house before the guys started to show up. They all knew they were welcome whether we were home or not. But today? They were going to have questions. And when people asked me questions, I fucked up.
My resolve for my road trip. Well, that was shaky at best. But honestly… the way these guys were acting… they were… completely fucking blind. And the more I thought about it the harder it was not to be pissed at and disappointed in every single one of them. The way they were talking about Leah? After clambering for her attention for months now… and me? All for what? Because we didn’t give them anything to gossip about?
Because Seth went on an ego trip as if he had some rights regarding who Leah spends her time with? What the hell was happening to this pack? Quil though…. He’d been… quiet. And mostly leaving me to my thoughts. And probably having quite a few of his own. It was impossible to keep a line of thinking going when there was a constant stream of memories interrupting my ‘What now?’ mindset.
A smile revealing those perfectly kissable dimples.
Her face in that clearing, like she was responsible for blowing up this whole world we’d built.
But that was me… telling her this though? That would only give her another layer of guilt, and I knew she was carrying far too much of that already. She blamed so much on herself.
The drive to my mother’s house was painfully quiet… but the shuffle gods? They were punishing me now, too… not just the Spirits. Making me pay for the carelessness I had treated their gift with.
When I walked in the door of my mother's home, she was already filling the coffee machine that she only kept for me and guests. She stopped drinking it after she got sick; she had heard me pulling in. “You didn’t need to get up…” I glanced at the table she was going through bills… the same table, the same chair where everything between Leah and me changed.
She had fixed many of our financial crises… but there were still things to do. I knew Sue was managing a lot of it right now… Sue. Another person I had yet to face. ‘I was just finishing up…’ She pointed to the bag in my hand. ‘Moving back in?’ She asked. Normally, she would tease me… but with everything that happened today? She was going easy on me.
“Actually… I was thinking about spending the night here. I have a few things to do tomorrow, and then I might head out to Neah Bay for a day or so…” She raised her brows at me as the coffee pot started to burble behind her. “Things are just a little…”
‘Embry… I know that you are disappointed in how the boys have reacted to… everything. But running away won’t help.’ She was right… But it still didn’t make me want to stay.
“It's not about them, Mom… Well, it is in a way. You know what the worst part about this entire day has been, other than… well…” She poured me a cup and set it on the table, gesturing for me to sit.
‘Let’s call it the second worst thing… shall we?’ She gave me a soft smile and sat by her smaller-than-normal pile of papers. I gave an almost tearful chuckle. Finally free to feel whatever the fuck I wanted within the walls of her home. “I don’t think I could bring myself to count how many times I was asked if I was okay today… and I know…” I stopped because my throat was swelling shut.
‘That no one has asked Leah if she is, okay?’ She finished for me, and I nodded.
“And that's why I need to get out of here… because I can’t look at these people that claimed to love me for years and they can’t spare a thought for the woman that I…” I stopped again, balancing on that line between rage and disappointment.
The line of the unspoken but most real thing in my life. “The woman they have known for…” I stopped again. Because they didn’t really know her. “And it was always there in them… I just chose not to see it. That makes me no better than any of them.”
‘There is a difference, Embry.’ Mom sipped on the tea that Leah had blended specially for Mom’s diagnosis. She drank a cup after each meal… Shit… had I eaten today? ‘You can see the errors you've made… You can’t fix them overnight, maybe not at all. But you have enough empathy to know better.’ At least she didn’t try to tell me I wasn't like them. My mother was always supportive, but she never was one for bullshit platitudes or blind to my flaws.
“It’s not enough, Mom.” My gaze was pleading. Begging her to tell me how to fix it all.
‘Not enough for who, sweetheart?’ She asked, sliding sheets of paper into marked envelopes. ‘You? Or Leah?’
“Both…” I replied, sighing… the sensation of defeat and exhaustion sinking into my bones.
‘How do you know that? Have you even talked to her?’ She asked.
“I don’t even know where to begin, Mom.”
‘Hi, is a good place to start.’ Then at my stare, she laughed and got up, tucking her neat pile into its drawer. Her shoulders were relaxed… like those papers were no more stressful than a letter from a friend. That was all Leah’s doing. ‘I’m serious, Embry… When the world places expectations on you… Be unexpected.’ She walked over and kissed the top of my head. ‘I’m going to take a nap; you have plenty to think about.’
When I was alone, I pulled out my phone. And typed…
And hit send… it was gone with a swoosh. Those two letters contain a world of thoughts and feelings, and unasked questions.
What happened when Jake came over?
Please tell me how I can fix this?
That last one was unfair. This was my doing, I was the one saying we had all the time in the world… and then that time was torn away from us.
“Fuck!” The profanity out of my lips before I could hold it back.
“Fuck… Fuck… FUCK!” My fingers curled around my cell as I glanced down at the screen for the tenth time.
The air changed around me, blowing my long dark hair forward as a makeshift curtain, saving me away from the world. The iced chill turned warm as soon as it touched my balmy skin, as I took in the transformation in the scent in the air surrounding my body.
‘Those are some strong words for a warrior to be setting free into the ether.’ His deep voice sounded in my mind, giving me the elution of being in an echo chamber while still being in the open.
I didn’t look around, because I knew too well that there wouldn’t be a body to the voice. So, I kept my eyes forward while still hiding in the heart of the heavenly thick foliage of the forest facing the crashing waves.
“Sometimes those four small words are more than enough.” I told him in my mind, when Laughter with a reverberation, as though it were in a dark cave filled me from within.
“Oonugwito, Equa Waya Adanvdo” (Hello, Great Wolf Spirit.) I greeted him. Because there was no hiding from him.
‘Why are you in such terrible turmoil?’ He questioned.
I didn’t need to show him the message on my screen from Jake or explain it to him. He saw it all, however I did lift the cell to look down at it again. For myself. “Three months ago, he sent me a text saying I didn’t need to attend these bonfires if I chose not to. That I could run the lands to process the needs of the tribes…. But tonight…” I closed my eyes taking in the sounds of the waves, the forests, the laughter and conversations singing in the wind from the people sitting, playing, dancing, and eating around the fire at the beach before me. Tonight, the message read:
From Jake: [It’s time… Bonfire attendance is MANDATORY]
Mandatory! She curled her lips up at the way that word sounded in our soul. I had no idea what Jake was playing at. But as his Beta he knew I would hear the command of my Alpha through the word.
The Great Wolf gave me time to process my thoughts before he spoke again. ‘Young Spirit Warrior, open your eyes to see what is before you. See the joy in those who are your kin, why wouldn’t you want to share in that? To find the joy in their happiness? To share in it?’
The question made me scoff; at the same time, I shrunk back. “Because the moment my shadow hits their happiness… It will turn into something dark, uncomfortable, unwanted. It’s because I want them to become one again that I am here, placing myself back into the line I’d chosen to walk in years ago. Staying in the outskirts of their joy was the thing that gave them the greatest happiness.” She shrunk back inside of me. We’d made some progress over the last months; however, she was still riddled with as much guilt as I had been for pushing me out of my rightful place.
I could tell he disagreed with what has been said. ‘You are not the keeper of others growth, as much as you try to take all their pain and discomfit from them, placing it on your shoulders, you are doing them a disservice, you know that? How will they learn to grow, to face the consequences of their actions if you are doing it for them? So, I will ask again… what are you doing hiding here when your kin are within your sight. Is it not time for you to come out from the obscurity?’
My hand moved to my stomach, then up to squeeze my chest. The unexplained pressure I’d been feeling of late was back.
‘What is it young warrior?’ The Great Wolf asked me.
Shaking my head because I wasn’t even sure how to put words to this feeling deep inside of me.
‘You don’t have to use words with me, show me.’ His voice low and comforting. So, I did as he asked. I showed him that deep sensation in my soul and in the depths of my heart that had become a gaping hole. Over the last three months I’d found myself feeling that something was missing and unanswered.
‘Hmm… I see…’ that was all he has to say at seeing my most valued and hidden aspects?
“Hmm… I see…??? What does that even mean?” I asked a little fire in my tone pushed in there by her. But he just chuckled, and then he was gone with a blast of air pushing my feet forward towards the beach and the bonfire, all the non-working pack members and their imprints were attending.
I came to a stop, frozen in my place as I glanced at my screen once again. Somehow my fingers had closed out of Jake’s message and opened the thread with Embry. My heart stopped and crushed at seeing the one small word there.
It was the only text from him that I hadn’t been able to delete. Every other conversation had been removed as soon as it had happened. I’d wanted to protect the bubble so much, that when it burst, I had nothing to look back on to prove it had been real. That it wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. And Yet I hadn’t replied… I hadn’t wanted to be the reason for him to hold on to something that couldn’t become reality again. Sure, Quil’s declaration of Embry leaving La Push had me thinking about his small two letter message so many nights. But I couldn’t… It was my unspoken promise to him… I wouldn’t be the reason for him and his pack brothers falling apart. I know it would take him time. But soon they had to all find their rhythm and forget I was even a note in there if I rebuilt the walls to keep them all out. Right?
I wasn’t sure what the text from Jacob was about.
[𝙳𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚛𝚞𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍.]
I rolled my eyes…. I missed one bonfire in the last three months, and that was because I had a shift at work. So, what the fuck was this about? Any other time, I would have assumed that there was something up… that there was an issue in the pack. But I knew that wasn’t the case. ‘I’m glad to see you spending more time with your friends.’ Mom said as I pulled my jacket off the hook. She smiled sadly as she saw the fresh ink on my arm. She took it and traced the fully healed tattoo. ‘I guess you really are wearing your heart on your sleeve these days, aren’t you?’
The rendering of an anatomical heart and the castle emerging from the top. I chuckled. “Isn’t that what you used to say to my teachers when you were trying to defend me for being an arshole?” I teased her. She’d taken the image to mean heartbreak, but it was the opposite… it was strength and vulnerability… because you couldn’t have one without the other. But this was a story I couldn’t tell… or one that I would only ever tell one person.
‘Just because something is an excuse doesn’t mean that it isn’t also the truth!’ She swatted my arm. ‘Go on… don’t keep your friends waiting.’ She told me and tried to shove me towards the door. I kissed the top of her head and headed to the door.
‘Don’t forget your guitar.’ She called as I walked past it, where she had left it next to the door… Hoping I would take it.
I offered her a smile. “Maybe next ti…” I started to say and stopped myself when her smile faded. “Yeah… Thanks, Mom.” I picked up the case and slung the strap over my shoulder. The kettle started to whistle for her nightly cup of specially blended tea. Specially blended by Leah… just for her. I had to shake the thought away before I spiralled. I couldn’t afford it before the bonfire. “I refilled all your pill boxes for the week, the daytime ones are in the kitchen cupboard, and the bedtime ones are on your nightstand.” I reminded her before I left.
I put the guitar in the back of the Jeep, with no intention of taking it out. I climbed into the driver's seat, tossing my jacket to the other side. The new ink on my arm didn’t just catch my Mom’s attention… it still drew mine too. Like most of the guys in the pack, we didn’t really cover ourselves in tattoos, mostly because we relied on the elders to do the tattoos and for most of us, our first was the pack marking… any permanent marking after that tended to have a deep meaning.
This one… well, it told a story.
I started the car and made my way to the beach… Despite my reputation for being generally irresponsible, I was rarely ever late… but this time I had planned to arrive a few minutes late, to avoid any awkward one-on-one conversations. But a couple of weeks after that night, most of them began to act as though nothing had happened.
I left the radio off and headed to the beach.
A few of the guys were already there feeding the fire, and even from the car park, I could hear the laughing and chattering. The girls were glued to their men or huddled close to the fire as it grew. I took a deep breath, there was something different about tonight… I didn’t know what. Why Jake felt the need to insist on my presence when he knew I wasn’t working or running… I had no idea. But I guess I was about to find out.
I climbed out of the jeep and stepped out of my boots, tossing them in the back next to the guitar. I headed down the beach to where Quil was already standing with two of the pups. He hugged me. ‘You’re late.’ He smirked.
I looked around… “No elders? No Alpha’s I think I’m…” The wind stirred… one of the girls squeaked as sparks jumped from the fire and spiralled on the breeze before dying out. My gaze snapped immediately to the east… It was her scent… but not. It was the idea of her scent. The memory of her scent carried to me. “Early…” I muttered the end of my sentence, and my wolf pressed against my ribs. He wanted to draw me to the other end of the beach. The trees were too far for us to truly scent her, and the wind wasn’t blowing in the right direction. The Spirits wanted us to know that she was out there.
Jake's text made sense all of a sudden. I laughed darkly… Did he really think we couldn’t be around each other in public? We had done this for months with far more to hide. He wanted to test us? Fine… Maybe now he would stop his stupid games of keeping Leah and me as far away from each other as possible.
‘Bry…’ Quil said. ‘You, okay?’
My head snapped back to him and the pups.” Hmm… Yeah. I’m just… Peachy.” I was distracted again as Seth walked across the sand to us.
‘You are so not with it tonight, are you?’ He teased. Seth came to a stop behind them.
‘Hey guys… what’s –‘ He started, and I was gone. I headed down to the shore where the sand was wet. Seth stopped talking the second my back was turned, and I heard the others telling him to let it go. Thankfully, he did… I had no desire to start a fight with him tonight, but I didn’t owe him any platitudes. Not after what he’d done. So many times, since that night I had driven to the edge of tribal land with a bag in the trunk of the Jeep, so many times I stopped, turned around and came home… convincing myself that if I was here… she wasn’t alone. I knew I was wrong… but it was the best I could do.
I stepped into the tide… the icy water lapped up over my toes and around my ankles. I dropped my shoulders and tilted my head up, spreading my fingers by my sides to feel the cool sea breeze beneath my fingers as the tide washed out and took the sand beneath my feet with it. I forced myself not to look to the east again, even though I was feeling an internal, constant pull in that direction.
I heard more people arrive, and a few whispers of my name that I ignored. The wind picked up again… and now my head turned to the east and there she stood… feet in the surf… Leah.
But not Leah at all. She was Leah… she was Sue, Mom… Rachel, Sarah Black, Quil’s Grandmother, Claire… Emily, faces I would never know… faces I might know in the future. It was Grandmother Moon in her ever-shifting, never constant form. She was youth and age…. Naivete and wisdom, and she was late. Too late.
‘No son.’ She answered my thoughts. ‘One can only be late if they had ever left. I have been here… Always.’
I shook my head and squeezed my hands into fists. She’d completely abandoned us that night. And every night since. “Leave me alone,” I whispered.
‘Rude!’ Ness said, coming to a stop next to me on her too-light, too-quick feet.
“Not you, little one.” I chuckled… happy to see her.
‘Who are you talking to then?’ She grinned.
“The Monsters inside my head.” I paraphrased one of her favourite songs.
‘I see… What are you doing down here by yourself?’ She asked.
I looked down at my feet, half buried by the tide now. “Sinking.” I smiled at her.
She wiggled her own bare toes in the wet sand. ‘May I join you?’
“Sure… But I think we’ll be starting soon,” I glanced over my shoulder and saw that the elders were beginning to arrive.
‘We have a few minutes.’ She whispered and took my hand and smiled.
“Why were you so…” I paused, trying to think of a way to phrase it. “Okay… with… everything.”
Nessie looked over her shoulder, where Jacob was helping his father down the beach. ‘You might not have noticed, Embry… But I’m not exactly like all the other girls.’ She smirked. I laughed. “That might have come to my attention once or twice.”
‘It's something Leah and I have in common… there’s no one else like us… at least around here, in my case. But I have something she doesn’t. Something they all know, something she doesn’t…’ She squeezed my hand with her shockingly strong, slender fingers. ‘Leah and I… we are something new. People resist change, but without it… We are all just… stuck.’
I smiled and kissed the top of her head, listening to the strange hummingbird beat of this tiny, incredible creature’s heart. “Not change, Little One,” I whispered. “Evolution.” Then we freed our feet from the sucking sand… and headed back to the group.
I knew it was time, if I remained here, I would be seen by everyone coming out late, and late wasn’t something I strived to achieve if I could help it. On top of that, I’d seen Jake looking back over his shoulder in my direction before he helped his dad Billy down to the fire.
With my hands pushed deep into my jacket, my shoulders back, and head held high I moved like my wolf on two feet. I saw the reason for tonight’s mandatory attendance as soon as I came out onto the beach. She sat close to her imprint, her hands curled around a travel mug, and her pup sat with his arm around her back. Of course… it was her time… Sam had given the newest imprint time to find her feet. To ensure that she and the pup had been properly protected from the fear she had experienced during her journey to us and the tribe.
My eyes were on the two of them when heads started to turn towards my direction, the laughter slowly coming to a stop as people glanced uncomfortably towards the other side of the fire. I didn’t need to see him to know that was where Embry must be, they weren’t doing the best job as keeping the fear of what would happen off their faces.
The youngest of the pups came running up to meet me. ‘You came! I saved you a spot on the big log next to me. I mean…’ he rubbed the back of his neck shifting, his eyes darting to his feet, to my face, but never meeting my eyes. ‘If you want that is. I just thought.’
Placing a hand on his shoulder I squeezed. “Thanks pup.” Nodding my head to motion him to return to where he’d been sitting. But to my surprise he turned to face the others like me, and fell into step. ‘I saved you cold beer too. But don’t tell the others.’ It would have made me laugh, because he was the one who just told his pack brothers there were cold beers still hiding somewhere.
“Thanks pup, but I’m running after this, and not really feeling the beers tonight.” Of course the alcohol would do nothing to intoxicate me. But drinking wasn’t really on my bingo card for this night.
‘Sure… sure… I get it.’ He smiled his most open smile. But it fell as feet started towards us.
I knew it was my kid before my eyes moved to meet his, he stood with a bottle of water outstretched in offer to me. Which I took blinking my eyes in thanks before he wrapped an arm around the pup’s neck taking him back to join the others.
Billy raised his arms before anyone else could say something to begin the discussion of our past history. To welcome the newest member of this new generation of imprints. Because maybe he’d seen the malice his daughter’s eyes, or maybe he knew from his wisdom of being the chief, that it was time for the packs to come together and move forward. While everyone turns their full attention to the elders, I stayed out of the light of the fire, keeping myself in the shadows.
Ness slipped her arm into mine when she heard the conversation with Leah starting at the fire. I smiled at her, not wanting to tell her I was okay out loud. If we could hear the conversation at the fire, they could hear us too. I wanted to see Leah; I had hardly even laid eyes on her since that night, fleeting glimpses of her on shift changes and in the village. I had avoided the bar because I knew there would be nothing but talk, and she didn’t need that at work… Also… I couldn’t lay eyes on Seth without getting irrationally angry.
My anger was perfectly rational.
Leah was keeping herself sidelined. Betas normally sat next to their alpha at these gatherings, but it wasn’t a rule. If they were going to whisper tonight… I would make damn sure it was about me, not Leah. Ness freed herself and ran to Jake. She settled between his knees on the sand and, toeing her shoes free, dug them into the sand. Brady and the other boys had a guitar and pow wow drums for after the storytelling. The pup smiled at me, noticing the fact that mine was not with the other instruments. He just handed me a beer and nodded. I patted his shoulder as I passed.
Unlike Leah… I was planning on taking up as much space as possible. Just as Billy called for us to settle, I passed behind Sam, and Emily - sat to Billy’s left - kissing the top of the mother-to-be’s head. Then I took the place next to Jake on the Chief’s right. I put myself on the frontline this time.
Seth, Jake… Billy… the boys who had been gossiping and whispering. They would all have to get a really good look at me tonight. Jake didn’t let any outward reaction show. I saw Seth across the fire, his jaw clenched. But he stayed quiet as Billy began. Quil just shook his head and took the seat next to Leah, the opposite side of the pup that had invited her to sit with him. That made me grin… he’d been very vocal the last few months that he thought I was stupid to walk away. But he couldn’t understand, he wasn’t privy to the thoughts in my head all those nights I sat on the side of the road, a packed bag on the passenger seat of my Jeep, staring at the words:
‘These stories we tell… we tell them time and time again, so no more of your history will be lost to time. But the nights that they are heard for the very first time by a new soul, who has come to us, strengthen our legacy.’ He paused. ‘Well, those are special nights. Those nights empower us all, no matter where we are from… the tribes of our birth, the tribes of our hearts…” I swear the old man looked at me. We hadn’t spoken about my enrolment again since the car wash fundraiser.
There was no point; they all made it very, very clear. When it came to this tribe… no matter that I lived and bled and would die for them. I was not one of them. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be after… everything.
Billy was addressing the new girl now, and she was blushing like crazy. ‘To start these gatherings, we usually offer driftwood to the fire and give thanks. But tonight, in honour of the blessing of our new, young Guardian, we are offering fresh Cedar that is native both here and in the landlocked town of her birth.’ Jake and Sam passed a bowl of wood chips to either side of the circle, everyone took a handful and passed the bowl. ‘We make the offering to give thanks. Embry…’ I stiffened. ‘Why don’t you lead the offering?’
“Um…” I looked at Sam… It should be him or Jared. The new imprint was in his pack. Jake gave me a nod and a flick of his eyes that said… just do it! I had decided I was going to draw their attention tonight. I should be more careful what I wish for. I looked at the pup… he was grinning at the crimson in his new soulmate's cheeks. “Of course…” I stood up like this was what I expected all along.
My eyes looked for Leah’s, always… I felt like I was always searching for her now. But only for a moment, it was all I would allow. I stood near the fire and turned my attention to the new couple. “There was a time… when many of us here who are old enough to remember didn’t think this
Pup would be here with us in anything but soul. He was never one of them. He never lost faith…” My chest ached at the memory of my best friend's cousin struggling to breathe in a hospital bed too many times to count. I shook it off. “It was actually kind of annoying, really.” I teased the pup, and a few chuckles rippled. “So, I suppose tonight we give thanks twice, to the Great Wolf for choosing this young man…” I tossed a few of the chips in my hand into the flames and they crackled and popped. The smell of cedar filled the air.
“But above all, to Grandmother…” This was hard… I still felt abandoned. But then… here she was, this woman who came to us from clear across the continent and gave the kid the greatest gift he would ever have… this kid that suffered so much, survived so much and never lost his faith. A faith I hadn’t ever truly embraced until Leah opened my eyes and one, I let slip away so easily. “To Grandmother Moon, because before this kid was even born, she chose this beautiful, clever as hell, healer… from over three thousand miles away, to be his anchor here.” I smiled at the girl. “You will always have a home here; we are your brothers and sisters, uncles, aunts and kin. We give thanks for you.” I tossed the rest of the cedar into the flames. “To Grandmother we give thanks.” The breeze died, and the waves seemed to go silent as the others repeated the words and tossed their offerings. The only sound was the popping and crackling of the fire, and the smell of cedar was thick in the air.
I could have sworn I felt a hand on my shoulder as I moved to take the same place next to Jake. Both Jake and Billy were looking at me curiously now. Billy regained himself first and started with the first story, the story of how the Quileute’s arrived here. Then he’d begin his journey through time. Ness patted my knee and whispered. ‘That was lovely, ‘Bry.’
I just lifted the beer I had stood upright in the sand and took a long swig.
Before I could stop myself, I was searching for those eyes in the firelight… again.
Billy spoke… telling the stories… the stories of why she could never be mine and I could never be hers. No… that wasn’t true. My hand tightened around the glass… we had made those pledges; we had handed over pieces of ourselves that once given could never be returned. I was hers. She was mine. But we were set on opposite paths now… There was only one path for our kind. I looked at the couples around the fire. I knew their path wasn’t for me, not because I had never wanted it, not because I disliked monogamy… It was just something I knew. My wolf knew it too. We hadn’t had that missing piece, we never felt like we were waiting for someone.
There wasn’t a woman out there who was chosen for me.
Leah and I hadn’t been missing anything when we fell together. All of her edges fit into mine, and mine into hers… we were balanced, not tethered. We burned together brighter and hotter; we didn’t temper the flames. We broke, we burned, we raged and rejoiced, learned and unlearned, we laughed and cried… and fuck!! I missed it all. The moon was peering between the gaps in the cloud cover now.
And I was grateful for it all, every moment that she was mine… every moment I was hers.
Fucking faith… why was it so hard?
‘Fucking Embry Call!’ Her voice came into my thoughts and if we had been alone, I’d have felt the truth of that statement. It hadn’t come from a place of annoyance or a need to hit out. No, it came from pride. She felt so proud of him for sharing words from his heart for the pup and his new imprint.
‘I swear, ‘Bry knows how to capture the moment.’ Quil’s whisper broke into my thoughts as I stood up to walk away. Billy had ended the evenings story circle, giving the packs the go ahead to kick back, talk, share their own thoughts, and of course giving the pups the nod, to pick up their instruments.
“Hmm…” My eyes glanced to the side as he fell into step with me. The soft sound of the ocean mingled with the sound of the guitars, and the smooth sound of the humming coming from the heart of the circle.
‘Did you notice how his eyes were always searching?’
I knew this was true, because when Embry’s deep dark gaze found mine and locked. I felt him and saw all the things he said to me without the need for words. ‘Until he found me. I could tell. He was looking to see if I was there. Right?’
This made her say, ‘What the actual fuck?’. But then again. She didn’t see what I did. Quil wanted me to say something, to correct him? To acknowledge what was between Embry and I wouldn’t go away. Or just disagree with him?
“Hmm…” Is all the acknowledgement Quil got and hats off to him the man didn’t blink as he and I both continued.
Stopping just as we heard the young pup call out from behind. ‘Can we stay another five please?’ Making both Quil and I call out “No, get a move on.” Together. It was time for the shift change. Giving those who were running some time to come join the others on the beach before the fires went out.
That’s when it occurred to me, stopping me in my tracks, I turned to face Quil. “And where do you think you are going?” Asking in confusion.
His soft brown eyes crinkled at the corners as he turned to gaze back at the merriment behind us. ‘I’m running with you tonight. It’s time your solo runs turn back into a group event, don’t you agree?’
We both turned as we felt the tug of someone’s gaze on us at the same time. Jake stood with one arm draped over the shoulder of his imprint. Giving me one stern nod. The unspoken words making themselves known. ‘It’s time to come back in from the dark.’ But that wasn’t for them to decide. Or was it?
A rush of anger came like a jolt of fire into my chest. ‘Oh, so now they deem it safe to bring us in from the cold. Well, we aren’t going to… Are we?’ It was her anger that was hitting like lightning. But this was our job… I had to remind her… We are here for one thing… to protect our tribe, our pack, the imprints. We would do whatever we are asked to do so. The pack had once again shown her and us where our place was to be, and we would fall into line.
‘When did our roles change?’ She asked
“When we messed up.” I whispered to her in our connected minds.
‘We didn’t mess up.’ She was determined to show me.
I showed her the way the people who we protected looked at us over the last months.
“Still feel the same way? We messed up, in their eyes. And we were born to serve.”
‘Leah?’ Quil touched the back of my hand with one finger. ‘Still, with me?’
“Yeah…” Shaking the conversation from my mind. This time when I turned back to see, without thinking my eyes found Embry.
Taking in the outline of his body, the way his aura shone in the darkness. The flickering embers of the fire showing me parts of his expression. He really had done so well tonight… his evolution hadn’t stopped… he hadn’t run from the tribe or the pack. Quil’s concern hadn’t flourished into reality.
I gave a smallest nod of my head, even with the wind blowing the open wisps of my hair into my face, I could see the glow from Grandmother telling me, she was keeping her promise to look out for him. “Come on… Let’s get the changeover and done with. So, you can get off to get some sleep before work in the morning.”
To Be Continued in Part Two (Here)
