#watchfulhound

[hailsmary]

@watchfulhound said : ❛  my first instinct is to protect you, no matter the cost.  ❜

❛ why ??? i mean — it shouldn't be. i'm not really ... all that important. ❜

& even if he was important , leon's his handler , for lack of a better term. his purpose is , on paper at least , to protect grace , to keep him safe from anyone who may want to sabotage the mission , or in most cases , from himself. for all that he is , ryland grace has never been graceful. he is loud , messy , unruly , & most of all , he is clumsy. tacking on that he's terrible at taking care of himself & it's a recipe that he's sure only serves to stress leon out.

but he has a secondary purpose , & grace knows that. leon's other job is to keep grace from talking too much , from saying the wrong thing to the wrong people or at the wrong time. when he's caught up in the moment , he has a tendency to let his mouth run away from him. & in those moments , which have never been his finest , he more often than not says the first thing that pops into his head. sometimes that's a useful idea or tidbit of knowledge he'd tucked away ( such as his summary on how he discovered astrophage breeding ) & he walks away looking incredibly intelligent.

other times , it's an impulsive passing thought that slips out ( such as calling the world's leading molecular biologist a 'staggering waste of carbon' ) & he walks away looking incredibly stupid ( & all but banned from higher academia ). all of which leon has been witness to in some aspect & majority of which don't make his job any easier.

but when he says that his first instinct is to protect grace no matter what , ryland's got the funniest feeling he's not just talking about his job. because leon's job isn't to stop grace from walking into a corner with a quick tug on his arm. & it's not his job to bring grace something to keep his electrolytes up when he forgets. & grace is certain it's not leon's job to make sure he eats something , even if that means forcibly dragging him out of the lab to do so.

❛ you know , you act like less of a bodyguard & more like a partner. if you keep doing stuff like this , people are gonna think you like me. ❜

this , of course , being leon saving him from what would've been an extremely embarrassing fall from tripping over nothing. it would've been embarrassing if he'd actually fallen , but leon had stopped him. with an arm around his waist , no less. with a nervous laugh , ryland looks up at leon with a sheepish grin , holding on to the arm keeping him upright. it's only then that it dawns on grace what he'd said ( that people would think leon likes him ) & turns bright red , a choked noise leaving him.

❛ i — i mean ... they'll think we're friends o - or something !! definitely — definitely not like you like me , romantically i mean !! not that you would , & not — not that i think that !! you're you & i'm just the science guy ... ❜

grace gestures as much as he can while being held up , the color spreading across his face rapidly. internally , he's kicking himself , wishing his stupid mouth would get the hint & shut the hell up. he trails off with an awkward noise , righting himself & putting some space between them.

if there was ever a chance leon were interested in him , grace knows that's long gone. ( not that he cares if leon is interested in him , because grace is definitely not interested , no way !! )

❛ n - nevermind , just ... thanks for the save. i , uh ... i have stuff. astrophage stuff. to do in the lab. i'm - i'm gonna go do that. ❜

& before anything else can be said , grace is off , stumbling in his haste to get away. his chest feels ... tight , but not like usual , even though his heart is pounding.

what is wrong with him ??

[ofbeginning]

@watchfulhound. / connor starter.

❛ it's kinda pretty like this. just watching the lights and the snow. ❜

connor huffs into the night air , letting the ashes from his cigarette fall by his feet. smoking in the one vice he allows himself , & dark eyes flicker towards leon.

❛ if you're gonna nag me about smoking , you can leave leon. i'll quit smoking when this shitshow is over. ❜

[hailsmary]

@watchfulhound said : ❛  you were the best thing that's ever happened to me.  ❜

grace can't help but laugh , even if he doesn't really mean to. it's a defense mechanism , grace has learned he has quite a few of those. his go-to is humor , to deflect & diffuse an awkward situation. it's easier to try & make people laugh than to be sincere sometimes. he's never liked being the center of attention in any situation. he wishes leon would look away for a moment , just long enough for grace to compose himself , to act like he's not seconds away from crying. because leon is sincere , & it's killing grace.

he's never been a good thing in anyone's life. he's never found a single thing about himself that was good enough to make someone stay. he could never make himself small enough to be loved. ryland grace had never been the bright spot in someone's life before , only a shadow , a wounded thing that could only reflect.

❛ you — uh — you think so ?? ❜

quickly , he wipes away the tears threatening to spill over , sniffling harshly. he doesn't want to cry , he's done enough of that lately. still , grace inches closer , hesitant , as if waiting to be turned away. but he isn't. so he leans against leon , watching the waves crash against the shore in silence. he wants to say the same thing , wants to say how he really feels for once.

so he does. if they're going to be on erid for the rest of their lives , grace might as well be honest.

only instead of speaking , grace turns his head , one arm snaking around leon's neck to draw him into a sweet , lingering kiss. it's the first selfish thing that grace will allow himself , perhaps the only thing. after a moment , he finds his voice , speaking softly as though the sound of his voice could shatter this.

❛ you know , you — really are the best thing that's happened to me. & i'm ... i'm really glad you're here. that you stayed , y'know ?? & i ... i don't know what i did to deserve you , leon. but i wanna find out so i can keep doing it. ❜

maybe yao was right. maybe this moment was his why.

[harleyridin]

does the past ever keep you up at night? ( confiding in her post RC )

⊹     . . .     𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐁𝐈𝐃  𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐘     ／   @watchfulhound

𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐀𝐍𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐑  𝐖𝐀𝐒  𝐀𝐒  𝐒𝐖𝐈𝐅𝐓  𝐀𝐒  𝐈𝐓  𝐖𝐀𝐒  𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐔𝐋,  𝐀  𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐂𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒  𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇  𝐏𝐎𝐈𝐒𝐄𝐃  𝐔𝐏𝐎𝐍  𝐇𝐄𝐑  𝐋𝐈𝐏𝐒  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐌𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍  𝐋𝐄𝐅𝐓  𝐇𝐈𝐒  𝐎𝐖𝐍:  ❝   All  the  time.   ❞   

By  now,  Claire  had  lost  count  of  the  nights  her  sleep  had  been  harshly  interrupted  by  unbidden  memories;  of  how  the  gruesome  images  burned  into  her  mind  seemed  to  await  the  moment  her  body  finally  succumbed  to  exhaustion,  only  to  ruthlessly  invade  the  once-pristine  landscape  of  her  dreams.  The  faint  shadows  beneath  her  eyes  spoke  of  a  restlessness  no  nineteen-year-old  girl  should  have  known     —     and  she  saw  that  same  exhaustion  reflected  in  the  eyes  fixed  upon  her  now,  carrying  the  kind  of  understanding  that  made  her  heart  squeeze  tightly  within  her  chest. 

It  was  a  twisted  comfort,  laced  equally  with  trust  and  sorrow,  for  Claire  would  have  spared  him  that  burden  had  it  been  in  her  might.  Yet  at  the  same  time,  she  considered  herself  fortunate  for  only  ever  having  to  wonder,  fleetingly,  what  she  would  do  without  someone  she  could  confide  in. 

How  could  anyone  begin  to  understand  what  they  had  been  through  if  they  did  not  have  each  other? 

She  scooted  closer  by  instinct,  drawn  nearer  to  the  only  soothing  balm  her  aching  soul  seemed  to  know  these  days;  her  gaze  ablaze  with  the  silent  hope  to  convey  the  same  twisted  solace  she  found  within  Leon’s  weary  eyes.  ❝   I  mean,  how  could  it  not?  The  things  we  saw,  the  people  who  died...   ❞   

A  brief  pause  interrupted  her  words,  steadied  by  a  breath,  before  the  admission  slipped  past  her  lips  once  more.  ❝   I  think  about  it  all  the  time.   ❞   

[hailsmary]

@watchfulhound said : ❛ What do you miss most about home? ❜

there's a lot that grace could say & still be truthful , he thinks. his kids , his classroom , the beaches in california. he could even say he missed summers up by the great lakes , watching the leaves change color , the ice cream shop by the corner , across the street from his mom's apartment. but it's something more than that , & even just thinking about it makes his eyes water slightly , though grace makes no effort to hide it when he speaks. because what he really misses is —

❛ my mom. ❜

his voice comes out quiet , soft , as if the words themselves were so fragile that anything too loud might shatter them. above all , ryland grace missed his mother , a woman whose face he couldn't recall , whose voice was a fleeting memory to him now. but love , grace finds , is one of the few things that can't be truly erased or forgotten. he knows his mother loved him , & he knows he loved her. but that's all he has now , & it makes something in his chest ache to know that it will be all he has for the rest of his life.

❛ i wish i'd ... gotten to go see her again , before ... ❜

under his glasses , grace's eyes shut tightly , not wanting to cry about it , not now. he quickly wipes away any tears from his eyes , leaning forward on his arms. on his side of the lab , rocky chitters away , something akin to whistling while he works. though what he's working on is a mystery to everyone else. ocean eyes fix themselves on leon , steadying his voice when he speaks.

❛ but , uh , what about you ?? gotta be something you miss , right muscles ?? ❜

[hailsmary]

@watchfulhound sent : “ Duty demanded I leave you behind. My heart never did. ”

❛ don't — leon , you can't just ... ❜

it's just them on the ship now , & grace finds himself missing the familiar background noise of rocky's chittering & humming , even if most of it was teasing him about his very obvious crush. but that's what they're on their way to get back. it was more than enough that leon had agreed to go with him , even if it meant that he'd never see earth again. this time , grace had truly made peace with never going home.

to have leon want to stick with him was more than he'd ever expected , & it did nothing to quell the feeling building in his chest with every memory he'd regained ; specifically every memory he had with leon. he'd felt this way before , back then , with that same closeness built between them.

& then everything suddenly shattered , & grace was being held down against his will , screaming & begging don't do this , don't do this , no !! over & over & over again until it all went dark.

leon's duty had been to be his handler of sorts , both to protect him & to make sure he doesn't say too much to the wrong people. not that that was an issue , not really. & they'd grown close , maybe too close. just like now. it made his chest ache , as if his longing had doubled somehow , as if it were going to physically crush him.

leon was here because of him. leon would never see earth because of him. that was as enamoring as it was damning.

❛ your duty was — was to keep me safe & to keep me from — from running my mouth too much. it wasn't to — to follow me on a suicide mission into space !! so why — ❜

he cuts himself of with a crack in his voice , teeth sinking into his lower lip as his eyes water. but grace has to know what leon means , what would drive someone to follow him , him of all people to certain doom.

❛ why are you here — with me ?? why are you choosing to die with me ?? please , i — i need to know , leon. ❜

[hailsmary]

@watchfulhound sent : “ I still remember how you take your coffee. ”

honestly , grace isn't sure whether to laugh or cry at that statement. so he does both. wet laughter leaves him as tears pool in the corners of his eyes. his instinct is to crack a joke , do something to ease the tension in the room. maybe he'll crawl in rocky's xenonite enclosure for some fresh air. maybe then this nagging feeling in his chest would go away.

or he'd suffocate and burn to death painfully. either option sounds alright right now.

❛ got a sharper memory than me. maybe you can relay that information to armando. ❜

it's not as funny as grace thought it would be , & his next thought is even less funny , were it possible. it's been years , neither of them are who they were before getting shot into space , & grace is certainly not the man leon might think he is. he's a disgraced scientist & a former middle school teacher !! in the grand scheme of the universe , ryland grace is no one , & he always has been.

but he can't help but to think of time spent messing around in his lab , watching as chemicals turned flames a different color , or whatever experiment he'd once cooked up for his kids. grace wishes he could choose which memories stay buried sometimes ; if he must forget , let him choose what stays , let him choose the sound of his mother's voice over an almost from the past.

it would certainly hurt less to hear his mother's voice one more time.

❛ ... were we ... ❜

close. the word he's looking for is close. that's the logical thing you ask someone after they tell you they still know your coffee order after four years in a coma. but grace fumbles for his words , as he always seems to around leon , & what comes out is ...

❛ ... anything ?? i — i mean , not like anything like anything , just — oh , forget it. ❜

were rocky in the room , he's sure the little rascal would be laughing at him , face pink from his own embarrassment.

❛ i mean — were we , like — friends or something ?? obviously. of course that's what i meant. ❜

definitely not anything else.

[hailsmary]

@watchfulhound sent : We've been through worse. We'll get through this too.

grace blinks hard when leon speaks , face screwing up not quite in confusion , but perhaps remembrance. this isn't the first time leon has used those words with him , of that grace is sure. but memory is fickle , & grace finds that most of his are blurry through a fog he can't cut through. fragments seem to flash before his eyes even when they close , & when he can open them , there's a startling clarity to his mind.

❛ we knew each other , didn't we ?? before the whole getting launched into space thing ?? ❜

it's a rhetorical question as grace finally shifts his gaze from the view outside the lab to leon. he's nervous , & perhaps rightfully so : he's not a pilot , he frankly sucks at piloting mary. they're all going to risk fiery death on the chance that a solution lies in adrian's atmosphere. rocky believes in him , sure. rocky doesn't exactly have anyone else to believe in , so why not ??

but leon's different. he's not sure how , but grace can feel it. this isn't some empty placation ( unlike rocky's words of encouragement ) to put him at ease. he trusts grace. & grace trusts him , has since the moment he woke up. so with much effort , grace smiles from his seat on the floor.

❛ ... yeah , we'll get through this. all of us. ❜