#watchmebitching

[watchmebitch]

You know, now that I’m grinding away at this long-form Alastor & Velvette & Vox fic, it has occurred to me that the fandom has largely overlooked a pretty funny parallel between Alastor & Velvette among all of the (delightful, wonderful) jokes about them shittalking together and painting each other’s nails

And it’s that Alastor and Velvette both, to all appearances, are the SAME brand of shitlord young Overlord who burst onto the scene like a wrecking ball with more power than sense and no regard for politics or existing power structures.

Like, Alastor arrived in Hell and out of absolutely nowhere started wholesale murdering the old guard without so much as a how do you do. And now, almost one hundred years later, Velvette has taken full ownership of a medium that is still barely out of its own infancy, is using it like a cudgel against the respected old guard in Overlord meetings where she is the youngest person at the table by an absurd margin, and has leapfrogged fully over the realm of ‘squabbling with other Overlords for power’ straight into ‘proposing a violent defense against Heaven.’ You even see echoes of this in the exasperated way Carmilla reacts to both of them. She is just as done with Alastor’s shit as Velvette’s, the only difference is that Alastor has calmed down enough over the years not to actively antagonize every other Overlord at the table at all times.

Of course they would fucking get along.

[watchmebitch]

I'm not even an Alastor stan like that and the fuck-ass dragon statue still gets me fuming every time I think about it. I'm angry again. What are you people (the hotel crew) DOING.

My GOD.

and yes, I know, I know, "oh but Husk and Niffty could have told everyone off-screen that Alastor was still alive and well because their soul chains didn't break"

but they didn't????

we did not get 2 seconds of screentime to have either Husk or Niffty, both of whom were fighting alongside Charlie, turn around and say anything to that effect. Even to make some offhand comment about Alastor being scrappy or fine to hold his own when the shield fell and Adam went to the roof. And yet we did get like 5 seconds of screentime to cut to Vox being pissy that Alastor escaped, so do not tell me this was a "cut for time" bit of animation, I will not believe you.

I don't think Husk or Niffty said any of that. I think if they did, we would have gotten 2 seconds of screentime for them to say it, the same way we got 2 seconds of screentime in season 2 for Vaggie to be like "well obviously Charlie, Alastor is scheming and not actually an unwilling hostage."

And just -- in terms of plots and themes. In a media literacy sense instead of a fandomhead sense, which I know is a lot to ask from poeple nowadays --

I don't think you're supposed to assume that Husk and/or Niffty cleared everything up about Alastor off-screen.

I think the whole evolution of Alastor's attitude at the hotel between the end of S1 and the beginning of S2, combined with the fact that no one at the hotel seems to know that he's seriously injured while we in the audience are shown him miserably suffering, is supposed to indicate to us that this whole incident has driven a wedge between him and the possible "found family" that the hotel represents because they let him fall the way they did. And I think in terms of future plot points, it is driving Alastor to be a worse person and to fall back on his damaging hyperindependence. Possibly to set him up as a problem for Charlie in the future.

I also think it's supposed to go to a broader theme with Charlie's attitude that connects things like her ignoring Vaggie's advice and not being a good partner in S2, Charlie dropping Lucifer like a hot potato when he is hurt in the S2 finale, and Charlie mistreating Angel/mishandling his redemption arc. I think those all tie together to a potentially interesting character beat for Charlie in the future.

But unfortunately every time I talk about this, people keep trying to explain away with logic and reason every time Charlie falls into this same pattern in the show. Even when it is shoved in your face like with Angel Dust's and Vaggie's entire character arcs in Season 2.

In the same way that every time I talk about post S1/early S2 Alastor, there is some kind of elaborate explanation about why the hotel crew was right to start rebuilding and not asking after him one bit. But the thing is, no matter what she thought happened to him, Charlie didn't do the right thing.

If she thought he was dead because it would be crazy to assume someone survived an angelic wound like the one he got, then there should have been some acknowledgment of that like there was for Pentious. If she thought he was injured but got away, she should have gone looking for him. This should have been a priority before a major construction project. And if she thought he was physically fine and got away, she still should have gone looking for him because he is her friend and vanished in the wake of a major battle for which he provided almost all of the resources.

It literally doesn't matter for Charlie's character if she thought that Alastor was alive, dead, or in the middle. And this is like THE central Charlie character flaw. It's one of the things that I think makes her really interesting. She is a profoundly kind person, she has infinite empathy for people who have done the worst things imaginable, she thinks everyone deserves a second chance and a bunch of other ones after that -- And at the same time, she is really really bad at focusing on those people as individuals. And she gets distracted by things like her own reputation and her Vision and high-minded concepts about Redemption and Goodness. Her really positive and admirable traits are in direct conflict with her worst traits. That makes her such a good character.

[watchmebitch]

Theories abound about the ways that Alastor could interact with Lilith when she shows up in season 3, but I would like to offer for the group’s consideration the funniest option.

Hell’s Greatest Mom. Alastor who locks eyes with Lilith on minute 1 of her arrival to the Hotel/return into Charlie’s life and just. Internally, to himself, swears her his mortal enemy for a collection of the same and overlapping reasons that he found Lucifer intolerable on sight. And Lilith, who is accustomed to being adored by and doted on by the collective, by sinners at large, only to find that this one creature comprised 50% of claws and teeth and 50% of a snide attitude is both apparently in Charlie’s life to stay and has, unprompted, entered into inexplicable competition with her for her daughter’s ear.

Lilith who returns with thoughtful commentary on the many injustices and oppressions of Heaven and Alastor who literally heckles her from the sidelines by leaning over to whoever happens to be standing next to him and stage-whispering ‘oh, I’ve heard this one before!’

Lilith who is by all accounts and has taught Charlie to be a strong, independent woman, who was the moral and practical backbone of her family rather than the servant of the first Husband that God attempted to give her—which of course means that Alastor goes right ahead and turns the dial towards “domestic and facilitating” around both Charlie and Lucifer until it snaps off, just to needle the Hotel’s newest arrival.

Incidentally this is also the only way that I can see anything resembling radioapple occurring and it occurs because Lucifer is a dumb idiot who just wants affection. Alastor starts being inexplicably nice to him (AND Charlie, but he did that periodically before) in cloyingly domestic ways. He starts packing Charlie a lunch and (non-confrontationally) coaxing Lucifer to put on actual clothes, and playing soft music after hours around the hotel. He does this until Lilith reaches a boiling point of irritation when she comes down to the kitchen one morning to find the Radio Demon in an apron, making pancakes for her husband and daughter, and waits until Charlie has left the room to turn on Lucifer and demand to know why after ten thousand years of refusing to engage with and looking down on sinners in general (sinners like her, like her), he has now farcically claimed one in some sort of deranged parody of domesticity and is PLAYING HOUSE.

Alastor who grins like a demon (which he is) and asks Lilith if she planned to do any housekeeping, this decade, or if her strong preference was to let her family fall into hopeless disrepair

(Alastor who quite literally has to flee the scene of that crime to avoid being seriously injured by a Morningstar that is NOT forbidden to harm sinners, whoops)

[watchmebitch]

I think like an optimal therapy technique that Charlie should consider using is just having Alastor on hand to be unimpressed with your mediocre sins. Like, for any sinner that is talking to her and being like “you just don’t GET it Charlie you’ll never get it you’re the princess of Hell and a literal cinnamon roll, you don’t even cross the street unless the walk sign is on," she can just whip Alastor out like okay fine, I might not know how it is, but I bet HE does.

And then Alastor can have conversations where he's like, "you know, it doesn't even count as serial killing if you did it all in one shot. that's a spree, you pathetic amateur."

[watchmebitch]

Gonna get back on my bullshit with an Alastor meta that to the best of my knowledge no one shares and lose you all immediately, so here goes.

Fatherless Alastor. No, not a childhood abuse/background domestic violence thing leading to abandonment. No dad, ever. A single mother who raised him with the support of a large extended family (and invariably, all of those who pitched in were women, aunts and great aunts and a grandmother and possibly older cousins) but no one else at home. Just a mother, or arguably a number of mothers, who—by the time that Alastor was of an age to start wondering—told him frankly that the person that he could call his father hadn’t done anything to earn the title and wasn’t what you would call a decent man at all.

And Alastor’s mother taking that kind of an approach, in general, to any number of unpleasant facts of life. Calling herself a realist and arming Alastor for the reality that, in this world of theirs, he would find no shortage of horrible people doing horrible things, who wouldn’t be changed by a kind heart or an open mind. And reinforcing, over time, that the only thing there was to do about it was to be alert, be polite, be prepared, and critically—because hurting about something has never made it any better, and because they are not the type of people to be cast easily into this role—not become a victim.

And Alastor who, to his mother’s credit, has never seen a shred of evidence to the contrary, not in thirty-or-so years alive or many more in hell.

And who may have taken that directive a tiny step further than she intended, for any number of reasons. Because it’s difficult not to become a victim and to be a good person. Because of some ingrained call to violence that has nothing to do with his mother or the other people that he called his family, but stuck in anyway. Because perhaps he got a bit angry about the state of things, in his youth, and perhaps became a little bit too talented at making them right to stop once he got started. And maybe it was borderline-justified the first time, but by the tenth time it was just fun.

And anyway, he’s not the victim! Being the victim has always seemed horrible, but it wouldn't be so easy to find horrible men if being horrible weren't terribly entertaining.

And Alastor who, on meeting Charlie, was astounded that neither of her parents (of which she supposedly has two) imparted the obvious and critical lesson that this place is full of horrible people doing horrible things—all the worst ones Alastor encountered in his life, and several of whom he even chased down here.

Alastor who, with a sense of exasperation, slots himself in to catch Charlie up on that reality, if her hotel venture doesn’t do the job well enough itself. Alastor who reacts to Lucifer with such overwhelming prejudice not just because of the immediate disrespect, but also because he’s arguably doing worse of a job at fatherhood than Alastor previously imagined possible—not having the decency to be completely absent, but stringing his daughter along without doing any of the actual work.

Alastor who would, at this point, react to Lilith the same way.

[watchmebitch]

One thing I love about your writing is that there's zero jealousy with Valentino. Like, this guy is the opposite of monogamous. He does not care that Vox is into Alastor, he only gets upset because Vox is prioritizing Alastor over him and Velvette. If Vox wanted to be in a relationship with him and Alastor at the same time Val would just be like "tight, I get to send him memes about your dick tho."

Thank you! My perspective on this is truly like: why would he be jealous? He doesn’t have an inherently jealous personality (same guy who has had a long-term relationship with a pornstar) like Vox obviously does, he doesn’t even seem to take it super seriously that Vox give him a special Title above all others (the “partners….IN BUSINESS” scene where Val literally just raises his eyebrow like are you serious rn), he is down to fuck around even when Vox ditched him mid-hookup to fight Alastor. I feel like in a situation where Alastor and Vox ended up straight up dating after Vox has already established his whole dynamic with the Vees, Valentino would just be like. Okay but remember you promised to take me out on Saturday so you can fuck with your little deer prince before or after that.

Valentino would also quite frankly be thrilled to have someone safe (read: with whom there would be no public or political consequences) to make fun of Vox’s ridiculous sexual habits with. He would be annoyed that Alastor doesn’t have a cellphone specifically because that means he can’t immediately forward him Vox’s nudes. (Alastor has discovered a new benefit to not owning a cellphone.) He would bitch and moan to Alastor about Vox’s elaborate hypermasculine hangups about bottoming (and effusive enjoyment of bottoming after being a huge baby about it). Velvette would be like FINALLY these gross men have someone else to talk about their sick perversions with.

(Velvette who still turns around and expects Valentino to listen to the twisted shit she has gotten up to with Melissa. And Valentino does. And Valentino is thrilled to.)

On the flip side, I have said this before, but Valentino is an excellent outlet for Vox to have as far as Alastor is concerned. For anything that Alastor is either repulsed by, bored of, or just doesn’t feel like doing, 99.9% of the time Valentino is game. Valentino can HAVE Vox for Valentine’s Day. Call it Valentino’s Day for all he cares. Just please do not show up to his hotel with flowers or chocolates, he may have an allergic reaction. He may break out in hives. If Alastor wakes up on the side of the bed where he inexplicably wants to eat anyone who touches him he just calls up Valentino and says hi, critical mission for you, go find Vox and fuck him until he is too oversensitized to function, let alone ask for a hug. And Valentino is like this is my specialty, say no more.

They are a VERY mutually beneficial system. At some point Vox describes it like those little fish that eat debris off of giant whales to their mutual benefit and at the same time Valentino is like YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE CALLING ME A WHALE and Alastor is like if you’re describing me as a cute little fish rn you will be finding shark heads in your bed and Vox is like. Well good news fellas, swap ‘em. Switch ‘em around.

[watchmebitch]

radiostatic season 2 finale

[watchmebitch]

“Hell is not SUPPOSED to be what the overlords are trying to make it.” Is a sentiment related to a thought I’ve had about Alastors character for soooo long. I think Alastor, if you stripped him down to his barest essences, would be made out of blood, pixie dust, and his paramount value for his freedom; autarky. Sure, he’ll give up some of that autonomy to pursue a future goal—but that future goal, at least from wha we’ve seen, has always about securing liberty for himself.

The deal with Vox: An absurd, convoluted plan to free himself of the deal with Rosie, the deal he had concluded wasn’t properly working in his favor regarding the end goal of independence. The deal with Rosie: A (poorly-researched) effort to control the narrative in a place he knew he wouldn’t have an upper-hand. It’s not like he’s ever had the upper hand in the first place, but this time he can prepare, instead of being thrown face first into adversity. What do they say about learning from past mistakes? Like the soul dealing equivalent of “I should’ve bought a house in 1901 when the were 10 dollars. I guess now my only choice is to invest in bitcoin”.

Anyway, what I’m trying to get at here: what Alastor deems as the superior by-product in the cartoonishly grand bid for power isn’t for control over others, but rather control over himself. Sure, controlling others is a fun novelty, but at some point the cat gets bored of batting around a mouse limb-locked into premature rigor mortis and gets up to go lick itself for the rest of the day. Being a leader, someone in an administrative position of power—there’s no appeal in that sort of thing to somebody like Alastor. Because at that point, you’re at the top, but you’re not really independent anymore, are you? I imagine fantasies about ruling hell for some might ring more like a chore to Alastor.

Completely 100% agree. This is part of why Vox's whole Heaven takeover thing was so ridiculous to Alastor: why would you ever want to? That sounds like an enormous amount of work and for what payoff, exactly? To be the king of the mountain? Alright. Then what? What is the POINT.

I also think this is potentially an area from which one could mine immense tragedy of missed opportunities, if you connect it to Vox's whole partnership offer. In terms of like, "having their own hobbies/interests and not being all that engaged by the whole Leadership Thing," Valentino and Velvette have a lot in common with Alastor. And (current circumstances excepted) they reap substantial benefits from being partnered with a guy whose primary hobby is, in fact, being in charge and organized and The Leader. I feel like, if Alastor said yes to Vox's offer way back when, the most immediate upside he would discover would be that Vox is more than happy to accept all responsibility for all administrative leadership tasks in exchange for nothing. He loves that shit. And Alastor still largely wouldn't see the appeal to being as organized as Vox is so intent on being, but if he had to? If there ever came a time where he didn't have a choice? He would be thrilled to pass those chores along.

Like, picture this. Alastor and Vox have their little partnership. We arrive at the time period of the beginning of the show, and let's say that for the purposes of this AU Alastor still has kept the Rosie deal a secret because, you know, he is just deeply embarrassed about it, at bottom.

As a consequence, Vox is just under the impression that Alastor gets bizarre and inconvenient ideas sometimes with no apparent upside, presumably out of boredom, and that Vox just has to go along with this shit when it happens. Usually it's not that long lived or inconvenient (although the 7 year roadtrip/mid-afterlife-crisis was NOT IDEAL).

So, you're Vox. Your (business) partner has finally come back from his latest insane and extremely concerning flight of fancy, and a few very short weeks later he starts telling you about this........................ redemption hotel, which is apparently the wildly-misguided Princess's new passion project. And Alastor wants to be involved.

Why does Alastor want to be involved? Well, Alastor is a crazy person, that probably has something to do with it. Alastor is prone to getting drawn in by unproductive and ridiculous new ideas. And Alastor cannot stand to be bored for even ten minutes.

Okay, fine. This cannot possibly be a worse idea than him disappearing to do god knows what god knows where for almost a decade with little more than periodic check-ins over the radio. So you're Vox, and you decide to support him in this weird and obviously doomed-to-fail venture. Maybe it will at least get your actually functional businesses attention from the monarchy, which would be good? At least there is any conceivable upside to Alastor doing this, unlike the last thing.

So you are like okay Alastor. Sounds like a great idea. Have fun. Tell me all about it.

Then, not two weeks into doing this weird and unprofitable thing ostensibly for fun, Alastor starts coming home annoyed and complaining about it to you at every opportunity, and you're like. So quit??? It sounds like these people do nothing but annoy you?? Also it kind of sounds like they're the types to take a mile when you give an inch, which is not that surprising from royalty but like-- why not stop then?

And Alastor answers all of these very reasonable and very logical suggestions with a mhhhhrrrreeeeeeh no. I don't want to. I want to keep working with them.

But he also wants to keep coming home miserable and complain-y and overworked, because Alastor's idea of being overworked, by this point in his afterlife, is "working a regular job for regular hours."

So, you're Vox. And you are in love with really really fond of Alastor.

And now you're sponsoring the fucking Hazbin Hotel.

Now you are, in fact, placing Voxtek employees as semi-permanent staff members of the Hazbin Hotel, because Alastor's idea of staffing the place was selecting his one most manic and one most depressed contractee (both former Overlords, by the way, which- what the fuck, but anyway) to install as ONE maid and ONE bartender, which is something that only a crazy person would expect to suffice for a successful business.

Because Alastor is not a businessman. He is a crazy person. You have known this all along.

And Alastor's idea of "too much work" is working a single full-time job, but now he is not working a full-time job. He is, instead, advising the Princess of Hell in what appears to be the not-at-all-veiled role of Evil Vizier. And you are working TWO full time jobs-- the regular one that you have as, you know, an Overlord of Hell (and CEO of Voxtek, by the way, and its Chairman of the Board, and-), and also facilities manager of the world's most bizarre and doomed-to-fail hotel.

And at the same time, you are trying to explain to the other Overlords of Hell why you two are doing this ridiculous thing, because it makes no sense and is wildly out of character. If not for Alastor (because Alastor does ridiculous things that make no sense with immense frequency) then at least for you.

And you sort of cobble together, as a terrible excuse, that this is potentially the best option that Hell has available to convince Heaven to stop sending down exorcist angels, which is bad for everyone's business and diminishing everyone's soul holdings.

And everyone thinks that this is bullshit. And everyone thinks that you are just getting dragged along on your face behind Alastor because you love him are very fond of him and he has a zaney idea.

And then Charlie GETS A MEETING WITH HEAVEN.

And you're like.

Oh.

And the other Overlords are like.

Oh.

And Alastor is like.

(literally barely able to believe his good fortune)

see? I have all of the best ideas. You should never doubt me, Vox, because only I have the vision required to anticipate these sorts of outcomes.