#weight-based abuse

[bigfatscience]

Hi there big fat science, I’m a long time fan. I have 3 kids and I’m raising them in a fat positive household. While I am able to make them confident and comfortable with being fat unfortunately they are getting teased at school about their weight. How do I approach this

Kudos to you for doing what you can to protect your kids! I am in the same boat raising two sons and have dealt with exactly these kinds of situations.

In your shoes, and with my kids’ permission, I might approach to school and tell them that my kids are being bullied. Most schools these days have explicit anti-bullying policies, and it should absolutely apply to weight bullying. The school should be addressing this issue with the perpetrators, facilitating some kind of meeting between your kids and the bullies where there is room for an apology and potentially restorative justice (although this may not be appropriate depending on the context of the teasing; like is it friends or enemies etc), and they should also be facilitating broader conversations in your kids classes about accepting people of all sizes. Weight bullying is the most common form of bullying and schools need to step up! 

The second thing to do is keep talking with your kids about anti-fat attitudes and prejudices. A political awareness about these and other dynamics of oppression can really help your kids process what is going on and remain clear in their knowledge that the problem is other people, not their bodies. I started having these conversations with my kids when they were very very little. Pointing out anti-fat attitudes and weight stigma when it shows up on TV can be a good place to start. Talking about their experiences or your own experiences (if appropriate given their ages) can also help a lot because it helps them know they are not alone and also that they will get through it, just like you did. 

Part of these conversations might involve working on scripts for how to respond when kids talk about their weight. Play acting some different situations can be really helpful so they can learn to feel more confident advocating for themselves. If they can safely stand up for themselves (which is a privilege lots of kids don’t have due to systemic racism/ableism etc) they could say something like: “Stop talking about my body, it’s weird!” “It’s not okay to talk about people’s bodies like that!” “Back off! My body is none of your business!” Other responses could include leaving and finding a safe place and self-soothing in other ways. Whatever the best response (and together with your kid, you can figure out what’s best), practicing and planning might help your child feel better about dealing with things that come up. 

And if you can access it, therapy can also be really helpful. Kids can learn how to name and process their emotions, how to self-sooth, and how to deal with interpersonal conflict.

And the last thing you can do is just work on fostering and open, supportive, and non-judgmental relationship with your kids so they know they can talk to you and seek support when they need it. Research shows that kids who have a secure attachment to their caregivers and a warm and loving home can be really resilient in the face of bullying. 

[bigfatscience]

by Lindsey Schuhmacher, MA

These two paths of trust – trusting my body to choose its own weight and trusting my body to make and birth a baby – came together to create a lovely pregnancy and birth experience with my son, despite the horrifying language around fat that mainstream pregnancy websites employ to make women fear their bodies. In a quick Google search, potential fat mamas will find language like this: “Going into your pregnancy overweight means you could put your own health and your baby’s health at risk, and potentially set your child up for a lifetime of health issues.” [i]

Goodness gracious! So just being me, just living in my large body, makes me “high risk” and could ruin my child’s life before it even starts? The same website says “Studies link being overweight to a list of pregnancy complications, including miscarriage, stillbirth, and birth defects such as spina bifida. Too many pounds also makes it harder for you to conceive in the first place. You’re also more likely to develop problems during your pregnancy, including high blood pressure (preeclampsia) and gestational diabetes.”

This is not the language of body trust. This is the language of stigma and fear, and feels a lot like bullying to a concerned, first time mama. 

[bigfatscience]

I no longer use the phrase “fat shaming.” It minimizes our experiences and makes light of them, making it too easy to dismiss our suffering.

Shame is a feeling, and fat oppression is not about feelings. It is about the material, economic, social, and psychological harms that are perpetuated against fat people every day.

Call our oppression what it is. Force people to face up to what is being done to us. Make them uncomfortable. Make them accountable.

Some terms you can use instead: Weight-based abuse, weight discrimination, fatphobia, weight bigotry, weight stigma.

[bigfatscience]

Anonymous said:

Thank you for existing. I am plus size and have a bad anxiety disorder that has led to so much stress about health. My parents always told me that my weight was gonna make me sick, unhealthy, cause me to get diabetes and all of this other shit. Now because of them pressuring me I have so many panic attacks about my health but I'm trying to get better. Blogs like this ease my anxiety, so thank you.

You are more than welcome. I’m so glad this blog helps!

I can assure you that being fat does not automatically mean you will develop a chronic illness, that you will die young, or that you will definitely suffer poor health. Those fat-phobic beliefs are gross exaggerations or misinterpretations of the research literature and they ignore the multi-determined and multi-faceted nature of health. 

They are also healthist beliefs, which are harmful and oppressive because they imply that being healthy is a moral obligation (which it is not!) and that being healthy is largely a result of individual behaviors (it is not!).      

I hope that you have been able to set boundaries with your family about this issue and that you are not still suffering this weight-based abuse. Keep on immersing yourself in the fat acceptance community. It can really do wonders for your outlook on life as a fat person!

Take care,

- Mod D