#whaaambulance

[sammykat]

[zell-dincht]

God even on my breaks I feel like I can't fully rest because there's always someone yammering away at me over something I don't care about and it takes up too much energy to pretend like I'm listening so I come off my break just as exhausted as when I started grrrr

[zell-dincht]

So basically, since forever, my notification sound on my phone has been the sound clip from BL2 of a horse whinny, followed by, "Butt Stallion says hello." BUT I usually keep my phone on silent, so people don't hear it much.

Today, my volume was up, and it went off around my current boss who was like... ~You shouldn't have that ringtone while you work here, if the wrong person hears it, you could get in trouble~

Fucks my old boss gave when he heard the ringtone: 0. 0 fucks to be had.

Like. Oh no, it says "butt," so offensive.

[bmouse]

It’s 10pm and the vague persistent existential angst has found me

Man, watching all this sports anime and these cute dedicated kids for some reason has abruptly swing over into like, something negative. It just makes me realize what a sad directionless adult I am. I have a job and a person and relationships but I feel like I’m personally. IDK stagnating a little. I have no passion for anything. I can’t even lose 10lbs. I can’t seem to get another thing published. Maybe I should get a trip together, at least traveling makes me feel like I’m doing something. Or go to bed early. 

Get a grip, self. Comparing yourself to 2d fictional people is just an all new low.

[geek-selforum]

You know what's frustrating? When you go out of your way to create something good, and I mean REALLY GOOD, you're proud of your work, you think it deserves recognition and so do you--you're not really used to having that feeling about yourself so it's really nice and you start to think maybe you're really a good artist, you look forward to showing everyone for weeks, you finally get ready to share it, and then...

CRICKETS.

Or like one slow clap. 

[geek-selforum]

Taylor Schilling is only 30. I'm really not much younger than that.

I try to work hard, stay positive, seek out opportunities, persevere, and keep my bitching about lack of success as an actress to a minimum. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I live in a free country. I have people who believe in me. It could be worse.

But it could be better too. In the words of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, “Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan?” I like to believe that there are forces in the universe that ensure that the right things happen and for a real reason. That I’m not going to be auditioning fruitlessly into my 70s or that financial hardship doesn’t force me to quit by 40 so I’ll be able to eat till I die. But there’s a part of me that thinks, maybe the universe really is random and no one/nothing cares OR, even worse, the reason I’m not quitting this and that I have this drive is to serve something or someone else’s cosmic agenda—that they will find success through my failure.

Like I said, it could be worse. But I really thought that by my age, working as hard as I do, that I’d be just a bit more successful. I don’t want to be destined to a sad life of constant poverty and isolation. I sincerely hope that my luck picks up soon. Happy Birthday, Taylor Schilling. It's not your fault that you're you. I'm glad somebody in this world is happy and making a living doing what they love.

[bmouse]

Ok so, 5 days into visit and mentions of me moving back to East coast and having children: 452 or so it feels. UGH.what is your deal you needy lame people, i spend (lots) of money on plane tickets. i bend over backwards to have some bonding and quality time with you and you don't appreciate it at all. Stop simultaneously being like 'oh why did you grow up so fast' and 'oh well since you did pop out your own kid now.' They never celebrate me in who i am in this moment. only who i've been and who i will be once i let them run my life again.