#whataretagsfor

[watch-me-backflip-off-a-roof]

Sam: *raises left and right hand*

[jellybellypapi]

oh the progression makes me wish i started with the tablet ://

hello, welcome to my domain :-) just kidding you’ve arrived at a trash heap, with my oc’s which i’ve name, who are both demons ofc :)

what else would they be?

the pink one is Pyp and the abusive well-dressed one is Bomb, dont ask about the names, idky either :)

[rllypyz]

Should I start posting on Tumblr? Idk how this app works 💔

[aristotleandhisnotes]

I didn’t know why I liked him. And until now, I still cannot think of the reason why. It started at the competition. Actually, before the competition, we were just co-journalists working on our campus paper. Everything meant nothing. I write endless articles, and then he gets it from me. It was just that.

At that time, I was with her. We weren’t dating, but we know we’re special to each other. I liked her. Even though I get upset frequently, I still cared for her. She didn’t knew this would happen. Heck, even do I.

He asked for my first article. We were at the competition now. I was stressed. He was stressed. The whole team was tense. And then I don’t know how, but I saw him differently. At that time, I knew it was just right. I couldn’t explain it. I was with her. But why is he holding me?

After the competition, he said he’s not coming to the awarding tomorrow. Disappointed, I asked him why. He isn’t sure with the results. But I persuaded him to come-- for me. Maybe he was surprised why he would come for me. I was surprised too. But I didn’t care.

I hugged him. After getting my award, it was time to announce the winners for his category. I don’t know why I wrapped his body through mine. I didn’t feel awkward. He was my co-journalist after all. It didn’t mean anything to our other teammates. And maybe to him also.

That night, we chatted at our own homes. We congratulated each other for winning. We get to go to Batangas together. He said he liked what I smelled earlier. He was smelling me? I turned red.

The second competition went through and we were getting close to each other. He borrowed my phone to take a selfie. I talked to him about the stars.

*

I don’t know if I like you anymore. That’s what I told her. She cried and we didn’t talk for months. She was my best friend, and I ruined what we had. I didn’t told her why.

I chatted with him one night. I was watching the stars alone. And I asked him if he liked me. Liked how? Like you liked me? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you want me? No.

I was twisting his words for days. He didn’t EXACTLY said no to me. He said he isn’t ready.

I told her the real reason. She cried again.

I was dumb. But he was dumber. He used me to write his essays. I gladly went through. I liked him. I wanted him to know that I like him. It got worse. He even made me write his personal ode to oneself essay. How can I write that? It was about him, and we barely knew each other. But still, I wrote it.

I don’t remember why but we talked less. And before we knew it, we were graduating. We get to go to different programs and institutions. And we stopped talking.

Me and her reconnected and became friends. 

He still tried to connect with me. But the last time, he asked me to do his other essay. I said, “I have class.” Both the noun and the adjective.

*

After a year, he talked to me again. He said he missed me. He saw that I updated my Facebook profile photo. “Ang gwapo mo,” he said. I flirted. He flirted. But I was wary. He also said sorry for using me. I half accepted the apology.

We talked through the night. 

I asked him why he’s doing this. And he said he just wanted to reconnect. I made it clear that I was expecting something. He digressed.

He still doesn’t know how he managed to destroy my life by making me lose my best friend, giving me endless questions, and turning me into a self-conscious, heartless person.

I again made it clear that I was expecting something. He said he is immature. I asked why is he flirting with me then. He said he just wanted to reconnect. Everything is repeating itself. Does he want to use me again?

I called him out, and asked him to respect me.

Maybe this is my closure. 

[aristotleandhisnotes]

Hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin na hindi ako naiinggit. Truthfully, I’m jealous. I should also have the same opportunity she, they have.

What really saddens me is my lonely and destructive circle of comfort. I just can’t take myself out of this place. Instead of me being open, making new acquaintances and peers, I’m here all alone.

What do I really want?

[aristotleandhisnotes]

I diagnosed myself

I think I am suffering from acute stress resulting from the pressure and anxiety I experience in school.

The huge effects kinda started last week where a week of quizzes and tests are coming. Of course, I had to study. But I just find myself not able to study effectively. I can’t memorize terms, comprehend ideas, or even make use of active recall.

I am lost. I am pressured. I am stressed.

Why am I experiencing this?

So earlier, I tried to think of why I am facing this. Of all the problems, why this? Why now? Why me?

And then I got it. I’ve put myself into this hole. Where I can’t escape because I don’t understand why I’ve gotten in here or even where am I. For the longest time, I didn’t know I’m digging up my own hole. And now, I finally understand what have I done to myself.

“Smart are those who learn from personal experiences, but smarter are those who learn from other’s experiences.”

It’s not like I haven’t seen this coming. I mean, our present media is filled with issues of mental health and the disparaging side effects of stress. Yet, I am here. Lost.

But, hey. At least I’ve knocked some sense into myself now. And I do fucking hope that I adopt some lifestyle changes. Please knock some sense into me.

[aristotleandhisnotes]

I almost died today

I tried to bike again for the 3rd time. Call me ambitious, call me dumb, but I really tried to ride it for 2 kilometers. And another, to get back.

But it’s not what caught my heart and made it skip a beat, or two, maybe even three. Here’s what happened. While I was biking along the freeway, I was taking notes from the other bicycle riders along me. But they were just too fast for me, and the traffic was getting heavier. So, I just kept on riding, occasionally tilting my head to see the intimidating sunset. 

As I glide through the busy pavement hoping not to lose composure, there’s this car who spontaneously overtook me whilst another car merging closely. Okay, I’m not an expert on highways. But I’m sure that that’s just common road courtesy.

In that moment, my eyes grew, my mouth widened, but I was quiet (thankfully). I didn’t squealed, thank God. And thank Him also for letting that car successfully overtake me, and not letting me trip and lose balance, ultimately dying. Okay, maybe I’ll just break a limb at worst. But that would’ve obviously cause a scene! And to that, maybe I’ll die from humiliation. 

Anyway, biking was fine. When I got to my destination, I didn’t know what to do. So I just continued to ride. Up until I saw a familiar image.

Same as the graffiti along my neighborhood, I saw this spray painted smiley with x’s for eyes. Kinda like Marshmello’s face.

I don’t even know what’s the symbolism behind it, if there’s any. Maybe I’ll discover a third soon. But I do hope my biking journey don’t stop.