#3 What if: I like being a student?
Holiday/Vacation is here. But I can’t help feeling restless, just like always. Mostly because I’m still stressed about work. In the last post, I moaned about the Thursday thing. This is ironic because this Thursday was actually pretty the worst in a long time, if not the worst ever. We had some crazy emergencies going on and the mistake I made on Monday also became worse when the patient actually died. The owner wants to know what the cause was so pretty much everyone is worried about what’s going to be the result of that. I cried my whole ride home not only because of that, because of the fact that no of my co-workers actually considered my feelings about all of this. This shows the kind of self-centered douchebag I am because they probably felt shit as well. I even asked someone if this could have serious consequences for me, but since it wasn’t only my fault apparently we will take the blame as an organization.
Nevertheless, I knew I was fucked anyway; since this is totally going to be on my mind the whole holiday. So I decided to re-read (more like relisten) to Mark Manson's ‘how to not give a f’ck’ book. This book tells me exactly what I’m doing wrong. Obviously, I stress a hell of a lot about this job, because I care about it. Having no child or baby wish, being already married, having an own house and doing all pretty well; The job is the only thing to actually worry about.
Honestly two years ago I didn’t even think I would be good enough for this job. While now I'm constantly questioning if this job is good for me. I already had one mini-burnout, but everyone blames the fact that I quit my meds for that. I wonder sometimes if that was really the reason, but since I started taking them it went sort of good again, so it probably was. I also finally got to shape this job in the way I want it to be; doing less stressful tasks that made me sick and anxiousness and doing more of the task I feel comfortable doing. Doing less of the boring tasks and more interesting complex tasks that challenge me. I got exactly the thing I wanted, well in how far that is possible at this company. But I still feel bored.
I miss learning new things. I miss doing tests (probably because my high grades make me feel good about myself). I even miss computer work, even though I swore I never wanted a desk job after I quit law school. I’m worried because I’m afraid I made the wrong choice. I know I didn’t because I really love my job and can’t imagine doing anything else. I just want to do more. And I’m not sure if I want to do more of what I’m actually doing. I think I need to do something else that challenges me again. Challenges me to learn new things; other things.
This mostly got triggered because my wife is going back to school again. And her company is paying for the study. I can’t stand the fact of how jealous I am of this and I have to be confronted with it every day. But in my job there is no next study you can do; not really. I have been thinking about asking my manager if he has any ideas for what I could do; something that could benefit the company as well maybe. I’ve hinted before I’m quite studious, but I get mostly made fun of because I kept going to a lot of work training. I even went to one abroad; using my holiday days and paying for it myself.
Chances are he will make fun of me again, but that seems like a risk I'm willing to take. He probably won’t even care; because he’s actually a terrible manager. So I will probably keep searching up studies in secret at night like its porn and nothing will happen because I seriously don’t know what to do anyway. This is quite a depressing view of my future. I’m going to need to work on this; except chances are that maybe he does have a plan for me or an idea. So I have to wait until I have this assessment interview after my holiday. (Which is planned great because now I can worry about this all my vacation). And I really just need some time off from this subject on my mind.
