Never Again
paring: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader
summary: Bucky and Y/N have a lot of couples counseling that they should probably go to, but it may only take one session to dig up the truth.
word count: 4988
warnings: racist cop (TFATWS)
masterlist
"Sam," Bucky said as he raced down the steps. Y/N was following close behind, but she was still reeling about the secrets she had just learned in the Bradley house.
"Why didn't you tell me about Isaiah?" Sam was angry, hurt, and rightfully so. But as Y/N looked around at the couple of people on the street, she knew they couldn't be walking around while talking about a secret that wasn't theirs to share.
"Guys, we should wait-" She didn't even get a couple words into her sentence when Sam interrupted her.
"No! How could nobody bring him up?" HE demanded as they walked to the middle of the street, moving fast to get to the car.
"Sam, we need to get back to the car first." She told him, but he just continued walking.
"I asked you a question, Bucky." He once again ignored Y/N, which she let slide this one time.
"I know." Bucky muttered, and Sam barely gave him a second to respond before Sam was asking more questions.
"Steve didn't know about him?" Sam motioned back toward the house, and Bucky shook his head.
"He didn't. I didn't tell him." Bucky answered truthfully. Sam stopped in the middle of the road, turning toward Y/N, who had also stopped.
"What about you? You're telling me Bucky never told you?" As Sam asked, she wanted to lash out. She wanted to tell him how rude it was that he was assuming yet another thing about herself and the super solider, that it isn't fair for him to turn and pin this on her just because he was upset.
"No." She said instead, not looking at him. She wouldn't explode on him, not today, but she was getting more angry with him as he continued to accuse her.
"You're lying." Sam insisted, stepping closer.
"I'm not!" She looked up, tears in her eyes. "Contrary to popular belief at the moment, Bucky doesn't tell me everything." She looked up at her metal armed friend, who wouldn't look at her. It was no secret, to the public and especially their friends, that her and the Winter Solider had been close - key word been, as in before. Now, they shared an apartment and a car, and occasionally they would talk about their day. However, other than that, their relationship was strictly longing looks and silent dinners.
"So you're telling me that there was a black Super Solider decades ago, and no one knew about it?" Sam asked as the three stopped in the middle of the street. She watched Bucky prepare himself to say something when cop car approached, their siren going off once to let the three know that there was something they wanted.
"Hey," The driver got out of his car quickly, followed by the passenger. Y/N immediately felt her heart race, even though they hadn't done anything wrong.
"Wassup, man?" Sam asked, his voice clipped as he was obviously still angry about Isaiah and his story.
"Is there a problem here?" The passenger asked, and Y/N tilted her head.
"No, we're just talking." She said defensively, causing Bucky to step in front of her only slightly. She was terrified of the cops, even though she was an Avenger, but she wouldn't stand by and let Sam be bullied by them.
"We're fine." Bucky told the officers, who had made their way to the group now.
"Can I see your ID?" An officer asked, and Y/N began to get hers out just incase.
"I don't have ID. Why?' Sam asked, turning toward the officer that was behind him.
"Man, seriously?" Bucky asked as Y/N showed her ID to the driving officer.
"Okay, sir, just calm down." The passenger had a hand on his belt and the other raised in front of him, and Y/N's heart began to beat even faster.
"I am calm. What do you want?" Sam asked, looking between the two police men.
"Sam," Y/N reached out for his arm, which he lightly shrugged away.
"What, Y/N? We're just standing here talking." He told the officers. They didn't seem to care, however, and Bucky sighed.
"Just give him your ID so we can leave." Bucky begged, looking annoyed and exhausted.
"No, I'm not giving him shit; we're just talking." Sam defended, but the officer didn't like that.
"Hey, hey! Look, is this guy bothering you?" The officer asked Bucky. Y/N looked around, realizing they were attracting a scene. Not them, as in the heroes, but them as in the police officers that were starting to seem most definitely racist.
"He's not bothering anyone!" Y/N defended, but her heart raced more as she realized that the officer had a hand on his taser now.
"Do you know who this is?" Bucky asked angrily, gesturing to Sam. The three watched as one of the officers turned toward the other, whispering something Y/N couldn't quite decipher. Whatever it was, the officer began to look mortified as he stared at Sam in shock.
"Oh, God, I am so sorry, Mr. Wilson." Y/N rolled her eyes at his apology, and Bucky nudged her back slightly even though the fight was already over. "I didn't recognize you without the goggles. I'm really, really sorry about all this." It didn't matter, the damage was already done. Another cop car pulled up sirens and all, and Y/N could tell Sam looked upset and embarrassed. She let her pulse slow before she finally put her hand on his arm. He allowed it to rest there, and she gave him a squeeze for comfort.
"Guys, just wait here, okay? Just," The officer put up one finger before walking over to the other car, leaving the three alone.
Alone with the dozens of people watching from the sidewalks.
"I didn't - I din't tell anybody because he had already been through enough." Bucky continued their earlier conversation, and Y/N sighed. She knew that Bucky was telling the truth, and she knew that he had done the right thing.
"Mr. Barnes," Y/N rolled her neck in annoyance when the officer came back, the three of them turning. "There's a warrant out for our arrest." He said, making Y/N's eyes widen.
"That isn't possible. He was pardoned - the president pardoned him." She moved in between the two men, even though both of them were still fighting to get their arms in front of her to protect her.
"Not for that. You missed your court-mandated therapy." He said, and Y/N watched Bucky smile in annoyance.
"Shit," She muttered. She never asked Bucky where he went every Tuesday and Thursday, and he never told her. She guessed he was embarrassed, that he was upset that everyone knew now.
"It's like missing a check-in with your PO. I'm sorry, Mr. Barnes, you're under arrest." Y/N watched as Bucky flicked his eyes toward her and Sam before following the officers to the cop car.
"Wait! Wait, we can take him there. It doesn't need to be a thing." She told them as she pushed past Sam. Even as the words came out of her mouth, she knew it was a long shot.
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we do have to arrest him." The officer said, and Y/N stood silently as Bucky held his hands out to be handcuffed. She wanted to scream at the officer, to tell them that Bucky could easily break out of the cuffs and take them both out if he wanted to, but then Bucky was staring at her, silently pleading for her to not make it difficult. He shook his head as he looked at Sam before getting into the car and hanging his head as they drove off.
"Did you know he had to have therapy?" Sam asked, finally walking to her.
"No." She mumbled, beginning to walk as he caught up. "Did you?" She asked, wondering if Bucky was closer to Sam than he was to her. She wouldn't be shocked, but she would be upset.
"Hell no." Sam said, looking around once more before pulling the keys to the car out. "I've texted that man at least seventeen times in the past two weeks and I have not once gotten an answer." He unlocked the car, and Y/N got into the passenger seat with a huff.
"Yeah, well," She said, looking out the window. She knew what was coming next.
"But, now that I think about it, neither has your ass." Sam chewed her out, and she scoffed. There was no world in which Sam brought that up by accident.
"Maybe I just don't want to talk to you." Y/N said as she turned toward him. He shook his head as he started the car and put it in drive. She was afraid for a second that it would hurt his feelings, since they were no longer close, but it seemed that he didn't take it to heart.
"I think you're lonely." Sam accused, to which she had to close her eyes at to stop the angry words from flowing right out of her.
"If I were lonely, then don't you think I would have texted you back?" She asked, watching Sam silently drive toward the police station. When he didn't respond Y/N took the win and sat back in her seat, returning to stare out the window.
"I think that you're afraid that we're gonna leave you again." Sam told her, which made her stiffen. She didn't like to talk about the Blip, about the time when her already low amount of friends was cut in half. She never talked to Bucky about it. She didn't open up to Sam, no matter how many times he texted her to ask. Sam thinks the only person she would have talked about it with is Natasha - actually, he's sure that the two girls talked about it plenty in those five years, but Natasha was gone and Y/N had yet to open back up.
What Sam did know was that Bucky and Y/N had been dating - or whatever they wanted to call it - right before the Blip. He knew that they still lived together, Bucky and Y/N, just like they had in Wakanda in the months leading up to the fight. He knows that they used to tell each other everything,
He knows now that they don't. He knows that even though they still live in the same place, they don't sleep on the same bed like they used to. He knows, even if they won't tell him, that it's killing both of them.
The two don't talk the whole way there, and Sam doesn't push his earlier statement. They don't talk when they get to the station, except to ask for Bucky. They're instructed to wait, and surprise surprise, neither of them talk then either.
"Sam, Y/N. I've heard a lot about you two. I'm Dr. Raynor. I'm James' therapist." Sam stands up to shake Dr. Raynor's hand, and Y/N follows suit. She feels a pang in her heart at Dr. Raynor's words - before the Blip, even before Wakanda, Y/N had been the only one to call Bucky James.
"Nice to meet you." Y/N said, hoping the smile on her face looked real.
"Thank you for getting him out." Sam said, and the two watched in confusion as Dr. Raynor shook her head.
"That was not me." She told them, making Y/N furrow her brows. Who had gotten him out then? It hadn't been her or Sam, and she knew he couldn't get out on his own.
"Christina!" A familiar voice shouted over the chatter in the office. Y/N's eyes widened as she turned to see John Walker - Captain America - making his way toward them. "It's great to see you again." He wore a kind smile as he shook hands and let people take pictures, and it was all Y/N could do to hold in her groan of annoyance.
"You've got to be shitting me." She mumbled, turning to Dr. Raynor. Y/N knew that John Walker had become Captain America, and that Sam and Bucky had met him once, but she had yet to see him since he began to wear the shield.
"You know him?" Sam asked Dr. Raynor, but it made Y/N's heart jump for the second she thought he had been talking to her.
"Yeah, we did some field ops back in the day." Dr. Raynor said, and the three watched as John made his way over.
"I heard you were working with Bucky, so I thought I'd step in." He offered as he stood with the group, and Y/N tried to keep her gaze as far away from him as possible. If she didn't look at him, maybe he wouldn't look at her. "Bucky's not gonna be following a strict schedule any longer." He elaborated. Y/N spared a glance, which was a mistake because John raised an eyebrow as they made eye contact.
"John," She said curtly, hoping that could be the end of it.
"Y/N, looking nice, as always. It's good to see you, it's been awhile." He just had to push it, and she knew he was doing it on purpose. Why, she wasn't sure yet - wasn't he married already?
"Excuse me?" Sam turned completely toward her, and Y/N shook her head in annoyance as she closed her eyes.
"Hold on, James and I haven't finished our work. Who authorized the schedule change?" Dr. Raynor switched topics, thankfully, but Y/N knew Sam wouldn't forget it.
"Um," John smiled as he pointed toward himself, and Y/N squeezed her eyes shut once more. A buzz sounded, but before Y/N could check if it was Bucky Sam brought up John and her again.
"Wait, you and John know each other?" Sam asked, looking between the two.
"Know is a strong word." Y/N said, grimacing.
"Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't say know in the way that I'm sure she knows Bucky." John teased, a smirk on his face as Sam stared at her, eyebrows high. Of everything he was thinking, she was sure the truth was unfortunately in it.
"You know him?" Sam repeated. Too many bombshells had been dropped on him that day, and he wasn't sure he would be able to handle any more. His brain may just explode.
"Knew. I knew him for one night, right after everyone disappeared." Y/N clarified, but she knew she fucked up when she felt someone staring at her from behind. When she turned, Bucky was staring at her, shock written on his face even as he tried to cover it up.
That was another thing she didn't talk about. Her night with Walker.
She was going to tell Bucky. She knew she would, eventually, when they started opening up again. There was a time, in Wakanda, when she and him would tell each other everything. They would stay up for hours in bed, in their small shack, and talk about everything and anything.
She missed those days.
"Anyway, Bucky is to valuable of an asset to have tied up. Just do whatever you got to do with him, then send him off to me." John instructed Dr. Raynor. Y/N could feel all the eyes on her, but she wasn't sure if anyone else outside of their group had heard.
God, she hoped so.
"Got some unfinished business." Y/N turned as John spoke to see him looking at her. She felt the rage in her rise, watching John smirk. "Bucky and I, of course. But, you two also seem to have some unfinished business with me as well." John winked before he turned and threw up a piece sign. "I'll be outside."
"Y/N," Sam mutters as she turned back toward Bucky. He felt bad for pushing her, and even worse that Bucky had happened to show up.
"So, you and Walker?" Bucky asked coldly. His tone made goosebumps arrive down her back, and her heart raced.
"It's not like that." She knew Bucky had heard her say that it had only been one night, but she also knew that meant he had heard her admit it.
"Really?" He accused, which made her feel sick her stomach. "How many other guys did you know while I was gone?" He asked, which made her stumble back. It wasn't fair, his question, and they both knew it.
"Bucky," Sam said, but Y/N interrupted whatever he was going to say.
"You don't understand." She told him in the same cold tone. "I - I," She wanted to tell him, but she couldn't. She couldn't open up to him yet, she wasn't ready. "He was the only one." She was thankful when Bucky seemed to believe her, when his face contorted into relief ever so slightly. It was the truth - John had been the only one she had been with. It was six months after everyone had disappeared, when the world started to get a grip on itself once more. She had just moved to New York, per Natasha's request. It was the first night she had gone out, when she met John at the bar. He had just gone on a break with his now-wife, and the two had hit it off.
It only took that night for her to realize that Bucky was it for her. That there would never be anyone better than him. He was her epic love story - her heart beat for Bucky Barnes. But did she tell him this? No.
She had fantasized about it for the five years he was gone. She had thought about it countless times, how she would proclaim her love for him and beg him to never leave her ever again. But when they locked eyes on the battlefield, when she launched herself into his arms and cried into his shoulder, she couldn't. She couldn't find the words as she threaded her fingers into his hair, couldn't find the words as his arms circled around her tightly.
But they both knew it was the only thing they needed in the world. At least, they did in that moment.
"James, condition of your release, session now. You too, Y/N." Dr. Raynor brought Y/N back to reality, and she blinked as the words processed.
"Don't you think you should take Sam?" She asked, since throwing him under the bus had been the only thing she could think of quickly. Before she could pitch her case, Dr. Raynor was smirking.
"Oh, he'll get his turn." Dr. Raynor promised as she walked back to an interrogation room. Bucky followed her, still obviously upset, and Y/N sighed before walking through the hallway. Once they made it into the room, Dr. Raynor on one side while Y/N and Bucky sat on the other side, Y/N had to fight herself not to laugh. Dr. Raynor had just tricked them into couples counseling.
"So, who would like to start?" She asked. Y/N rolled her eyes. She wouldn't be tricked into opening up, especially in front of a therapist when she wasn't even supposed to be here.
"I don't see what this has to do with J-his release." Y/N hoped no one had heard her slip up, but luck was not on her side.
"Why don't you call me James anymore?" Bucky asked, making Y/N blink in surprise. She thought that Dr. Raynor would have been the one to say something, and she was shocked that Bucky had called her out. She turned to Bucky, staring at him as she tried to formulate a solid reason.
"I, um," She looked at Dr. Raynor, who only looked at her with interest. "I wasn't sure if you would still appreciate me calling you that." It was the best way to put her feelings into words, even if it wasn't clear and didn't grasp the whole of what she felt for Bucky.
"I do." He said simply, and Y/N just nodded, her gaze turning to her hands in her lap. It was silent for awhile.
"Anything else?" Dr. Raynor asked, but both Y/N and Bucky continued to look down at their laps. "Perfect, because it's time for an exercise." Both of them looked up at her, still not looking at each other. "Are you familiar with the miracle question."
"No." Y/N answered, cocking her head in interest.
"Absolutely not." Bucky answered without moving.
"Okay, it goes like this," Dr. Raynor acted as if Bucky's response was normal, even though Y/N had chanced a glance when he responded so coldly. She guessed he was still upset about finding out about her and John, as well as getting arrested. "Suppose that while you're sleeping, a miracle occurs. When you wake up, what is something that you would like to see that would make your life better?" It's silent for a moment after she asks, and Y/N's gaze is back on her lap.
She knows what her miracle would be.
"Neither of you are gonna talk?" Dr. Raynor asked. "You know that therapy only works when you talk. You can't read each other's minds, and neither can I." Y/N took a deep breath. She would do it.
"Um, in my miracle, the Blip would never had happened." She said quietly, still not looking at anyone. She wasn't embarrassed or ashamed - her miracle would have helped billions of people. She just din't want to share her own reasons.
"And why is that?" Dr. Raynor pressed, knowing she wasn't going to open up. It was quiet for awhile longer as Y/N thought.
"I want it to go back to before." She admitted, feeling the tears well up.
"Before?" Dr. Raynor continued, and Y/N nodded. They all knew what it she was talking about.
"When we lived in Wakanda." She looked up at Bucky, who was looking straight ahead at nothing. "I was happy in Wakanda. It was the last time I can remember being happy." She tells him, and that was what got him to look up at her.
"Not Walker?" His face was unwavering and cold, but his eyes held something she knew. His voice gave her the key to unlock it.
Bucky was scared.
"No." She shook her head, looking back down. "John just reminded me that no one could make me as happy as you can." She knew it sounded corny. She knew it was stupid.
But she knew it was the truth.
"James?" Dr. Raynor asked after a couple minutes of silence.
"I guess I'd say the same thing." He said quietly, the two back to looking at their laps. It was quiet for a few more moments before Dr. Raynor sighed.
"We're going to try something else." She told them, and they both looked up. "Turn your chairs to face each other."
"Really?" Bucky asked, making Y/N's heart sink. Could he really not look at her over a mistake she made over four years ago?
"Yes. Get close." She said, and they moved to be as close as possible without touching, which Dr. Raynor only sighed at. "Now look at each other. You need to look at each other in the eyes." She instructed when neither moved. Y/N finally looked up, watching Bucky also tilt his gaze up. The two blinked a couple times, waiting for instructions.
"What are we supposed to do?" Y/N asked, turning to Dr. Raynor.
"I'm going to ask you questions." Dr. Raynor waited for Y/N to turn back to Bucky before moving on. "Bucky, why would your miracle be that there was no Blip?" It was quiet as the two looked at each other, and Y/N tired to read him as emotions flickered through the cracks of his walls.
"What happened during the Blip?" He mumbled, completely disregarding Dr. Raynor's question.
"What do you mean?" Y/N asked. They didn't talk about the Blip. They didn't acknowledge it.
"You're different now. It's like - it's like one minute I knew exactly who you were, and the next," He looked away as he took a deep breath, but Y/N kept her eyes on him.
"I'm not, James." His name in her mouth for the first time in years felt right. It felt closer to home than she had felt in a long time. "I know that it's been five years. I know that it must be difficult." She didn't know what else to say, but Bucky's eyes were back on her when she finished speaking.
"You are. You're stronger and braver and I just," He shook his head. He wasn't listening to her reasoning, to her comfort.
"You're different too." She finally told him, which made his eyes widen.
"Me?" He couldn't contain his shock, although he tried.
"Yes! We used to talk every night. We used to share the same bed. You don't know," She shook her head, tears running down her face now. "It was so hard to fall asleep without you. I spent all my nights lying awake. And when I could sleep, I could only see you. I only saw you as you fell to the ground." She took a shaky breath, and she saw out of the corner of her eye Bucky's hand reaching out - not far enough to touch her, but enough for her to know he was thinking it.
"I can't move on like you did. I didn't have the time." Bucky defended, making Y/N scoff through her tears.
"Are you listening to me? I never moved on!" She leaned forward, their faces close.
"Then why don't you call me James?" His question caused the room to be silent, and the pair held each other's gaze. She couldn't believe this one thing was hanging him up - couldn't believe he didn't know that she loved him.
"I didn't think you would want me to." She said honestly. It made him even more confused.
"Why?" He pushed, but she would push back harder.
"Because you never talk to me." Bucky leaned in as she spoke, and their faces were much closer now.
"I don't know how." He admitted, which made her blink. "I don't want to impose on your new life. On what you built in New York with Natasha." He had barely begun speaking when Y/N squeezed her eyes shut. Bucky's gaze was too much, him mentioning her best friend was too much.
"I don't have a new life. All of this shit about moving on that you keep insisting, it didn't happen." She opened her eyes again, bringing her hands to her face. She wasn't sure how she could make it any more clear to him.
"I don't believe you." Bucky said simply. She shook her head, scoffing but not moving back.
"Why? Why can't you listen to me?" She begged.
"I love you!" It didn't explain anything, but it made sense to her. Her heart felt full with affection as he spoke. "I love you, but I don't want that to get in the way of whatever you have going on now." Y/N sat back, and Bucky did as well. They looked in each others eyes both extremely shocked.
"When?" Was all she asked. It was all she could think of.
"When did I start loving you?" Bucky chuckled like he thought it was funny. "Oh I don't know. But if I had to make a guess, I'd say the second I watched you beat the shit out of Stark in that airport."
His confession was more than she thought she could handle. If he was telling the truth, if he wasn't being funny, or messing with her, then he'd loved her for almost as long as he'd been out of Hydra's control.
"Why didn't you say anything?" She asked, and he scoffed.
"Why didn't you?" He shot back.
"Excuse me?" She asked, leaning forward again. She wasn't sure exactly what his question was referencing, but she sure as hell wanted to find out.
"Why didn't you tell me you loved me?" His eyes were dark, and she was sure she was going to drown in them as he confessed everything that she thought was false after the Blip.
"What?"
"I saw it on your face. Right as I turned to dust. But ever since we've been back, ever since we sleep in separate rooms and don't talk about the important things, I haven't seen it." She could tell his eyes were glossy with tears, but she knew he'd never let them fall. "Do you know how jarring it is to go from having a best friend to having no one?" He asked, and she just blinked.
"Yes! It's exactly what happened to be, James. For five years." She was trying to be nice, trying not to get to angry, but Bucky was upset and it was affecting her. They were both quiet for a minute, both thinking about their wrongs and what they could have done.
"So you experienced the same thing." Dr. Raynor said after a long period of silence. They both turned to her, as if they forgot she was there. "You both felt abandoned. But you're here now. You two are right next to each other. No one is leaving." She said, and they looked back at each other once more. She was right. She was absolutely right and they both felt like idiots as they stared.
And then it was as if they knew exactly what was going on in each others heads for the first time in five and a half years.
They both stood up at the same time, and Y/N fell into Bucky's arms. He held her close, just as he did when the saw each other again for the first time after the Blip. He held her as if he were going to lose her, like if he didn't keep her as close as possible she would disappear just like he did.
"James," She whispered, legs buckling. Bucky held her up, finally letting his tears go when he knew he was covered at least partially by her hair.
"I won't leave you again." He told her, moving to pull her closer to him. "Never again."
